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I APPRECIATE POETRY CRITIQUE > The light from the battered box

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message 1: by Alli (new)

Alli (mawilliams17) This is my first time posting. Rip it up if you like. :-) just something I wrote on a tough day.

The light from the battered box

I stand in front of the mirror and I see the me that only I ever see. The me that is raw and old and battered and scarred. The me that I pick and I poke and I squeeze and I tweeze. The me that I cannot not criticize.

I am young but my body has been cursed with mentally disfiguring maladies of hair and splotches and dimples and lumps. My legs that wobble and belly too big. How then, can I stand satisfied in a world where beauty is so much more than what I am?

I read and I think and I talk and I live. I go and I do and what more can I do? What time in the day do I have to pursue pleasures of mind, body, and soul? Must I satisfy myself to this that I am?

Does the physical come first? Does the spiritual? Does that emotional, mental, psychological me matter at all? Or am I a box of my youth? Decaying from the start, past my prime in the beginning of my life.

But I have chosen to be a vessel of my wisdom and spirit and joy. Others will see the brightness within. My light will break through the haze of beauty all about me.


message 2: by M (new)

M | 1656 comments I think the writing is very nice!


message 3: by Kimberly (new)

Kimberly Maw  (movementpoem) | 6 comments I agree. Very nice! I would suggest playing with the form and line breaks. You can give so much power to certain words and ideas simply by where you place them on the page. Something like...

I am young
but my body has been cursed
....
legs that wobble,
belly too big.


I really love your last sentence. The "haze of beauty" is a great image!
Keep playing with it. Nice work!


message 4: by Ajay (new)

Ajay (Ajay_N) | 225 comments I like this a lot Alli! Agree with M on the writing.

The title is perfect.The image of the 'light from the battered box' is very effective. If I had written this, I would drop a few question marks and re-construct them into reflections, just like how the rest of the poem reads. I like Kimberly's suggestions with regards to line breaks and form. I struggle with the same with most of my poems. Thanks for sharing.


message 5: by Doug (new)

Doug | 1208 comments I agree with Kimberly. I think "vanity" of beauty would also be a possible instead of "haze" of beauty.


message 6: by Alli (new)

Alli (mawilliams17) Thanks everyone for you comments!!


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