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Critique Group > Robii's writing

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message 1: by Robert (last edited Sep 02, 2012 10:57AM) (new)

Robert | 42 comments Hey everyone! I'm thinking to send my first story to a publisher for a contest, and I'm not sure, because no one has read it. Can you please tell me what you think about it? I'm posting the first page as a preview, and I would really appreciate some feed-back. The story is called "Sweet Truth", but I'm kind of insecure about the title too...

Sweet Truth

“In two days, it will happen again…”

The tavern was full with known faces. I'm looking at Johnson, who is climbed over two chairs, and is talking to us.

“In two days, it is going to be new moon”, he adds.

The people started suddenly to pay attention, to give a damn about this conversation. The new moon, the night, they are changing everything.

I'm looking at Chace and I'm listening at the same time. He's talking with Lucy, and an eight-teeth smile lights his face up. The moon changes the village, his smile changes me.

He's turning to me, and winks. His face is red, his hair is black, and his light blue eyes sparkle, dividing the light into hundreds, thousands, million little particles, gilded in the silver of the fresh, cold, stunning snowflakes, who were just falling trough the rotten roof of the old building. The new smile that spreads over his entire face competes with the color of the snowflakes, an immaculate, maddening white.

Johnson opens his mouth, tries to say something, and breaks the whole spell :

“I think it is not necessary to remind you what's happening under the new moon, but I'm going to remind you about the safety measures : don't get out, barricade your doors and windows and don't let the candle lighted. Be careful!


message 2: by Emily (new)

Emily | 168 comments I really liked reading that Robii. It was interesting and descriptive. I like how you described the people who were around.

Where you say and an eight-teeth smile lights his face up I think it should be eight-tooth smile.

Also, I think the wording might be messed up here: and don't let the candle lighted. Maybe you forgot a word or something.

Overall, I really liked it, and I bet the rest of the story is just as good. Good luck with the contest.


message 3: by Robert (new)

Robert | 42 comments Emily wrote: "I really liked reading that Robii. It was interesting and descriptive. I like how you described the people who were around.

Where you say and an eight-teeth smile lights his face up I think it sho..."


Oh sorry, you're right about those mistakes (but I will not correct them, I don't think that's fair). The story was written in Romanian an translated into English, so there might be some inconsistencies. Thank you for everything :). I'm glad you liked it :)!


message 4: by Emily (new)

Emily | 168 comments Oh okay, that's fine! I didn't know that it was translated. The mistakes are not even noticeable. And you're welcome!


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