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message 1: by Rahima (new)

Rahima Yasin | 97 comments Hand in hand
We walk by
Waves as high
Love becomes thy

Despair here I can bear
With this joy in the air
My heart a sight too rare
Gardens in spring
A beauty; Even
Heaven may not compare

A blooming hope
I burst to soar
Indulged in joy
Like a rosy dye
Something;
Even dazzling rainbows
May not share! 

--—------—-------—

Hi guys :)
This is my first positive poem so far. I am not a pessimist at heart but while writing poetrys, positive thoughts do not come to me easily. So please help me by telling me whats good and what requires a change. Thanks!!


message 2: by Ruth (new)

Ruth | 5061 comments You're missing concrete details and good images. You have way too many cliches and the rhymes seem forced.

My advice is to not set out to write about an abstraction, but about one very specific thing that can be described in concrete images.


message 3: by M (new)

M | 1656 comments I agree with Ruth. All I would add is that it’s necessary not only to write “about one very specific thing that can be described in concrete images,” but to choose images that will tell the story all on their own. There’s no place in a poem for its writer.


message 4: by Ruth (new)

Ruth | 5061 comments M wrote: "I agree with Ruth. All I would add is that it’s necessary not only to write “about one very specific thing that can be described in concrete images,” but to choose images that will tell the story a..."

I think we mean the same thing, M. LOVE is not only too abstract, but too big a subject. Narrow it down to something specific and then use images that will allow readers to discover the meaning on their own.


message 5: by Rahima (new)

Rahima Yasin | 97 comments Yes okay. But Ruth believe me I have tried to write with concrete images but no such luck for me in that department. As for love, I dont think that it, being such a big subject, can be dissected. And a poem is a place mainly for its writer. However, I will work on trying to bring as many concrete images as possible.


message 6: by Tad (new)

Tad Richards | 99 comments If you're writing for yourself, there are no rules except what feels good to you. If you're writing to be read by others, then you have to remember that your feelings aren't really important -- what are important are the feelings you evoke in others. And a poem on a subject that's too big is generally too big to enter into someone else.
You actually already have dissected love. You've described it in terms of walking hand in hand, gardens in spring, a rosy dye.
Try standing outside yourself. Be not only one of those two lovers walking hand in hand -- also look at those two lovers from outside. Where are they walking? What are they wearing? What are their imperfections? What is one of them thinking that the other is not? What was the moment before they took each others' hands like?


message 7: by Ruth (new)

Ruth | 5061 comments What Tad said.


message 8: by Ruth (new)

Ruth | 5061 comments Rahima wrote: "Yes okay. But Ruth believe me I have tried to write with concrete images but no such luck for me in that department. "

Well, then you need to work on it some more, if you truly want to be a writer of any kind, prose or poetry.


message 9: by Tad (new)

Tad Richards | 99 comments "Rosy dye" is not bad. I don't know how crazy you are about radical suggestions, but here's one: throw out everything except "I indulged in joy / like a rosy dye." Start from there. Don''t ever mention the word love. The poem will be about love even if you don't put the word in. Just keep going. Follow it with a few more similes. Don't worry about what they mean, just make them sound as good as "rosy dye." Don't make the poem longer than six lines. If you try this, and you decide it's stupid, and you hate the result, you can always go back to your original draft.


message 10: by Rahima (last edited Sep 04, 2012 12:20PM) (new)

Rahima Yasin | 97 comments Right. Okay. So what do you think of this:


A walk we took
Along the deep blue sea
Hand in hand
Besides the palm trees
Misty fog like a rosy dye
Indulging in joy
A sight too rare,
Making my heart sigh
Nightingales sang
Imprinting hope and peace
In our footsteps they have
Left me drooling for glee! 


message 11: by Ruth (new)

Ruth | 5061 comments "Indulging in joy" is too abstract. Write the poem so we can tell you're joyous without having to be told.

"Making my heart sigh" is a cliche.

I'm sure you mean nightingales, not nightangles. I love typos. Fun.

Last three lines, you're telling again, not showing.

Look, pretend you're watching a film of this event. Now tell us what you're seeing. Don't tell us how the actors feel or how you feel. Don't try to explain the significance of the scene. Just paint a picture with words. Tell us exactly what you see. Or smell, taste, touch...


message 12: by Rose (new)

Rose Boehm (rosemaryboehm) | 2668 comments Tad wrote: "If you're writing for yourself, there are no rules except what feels good to you. If you're writing to be read by others, then you have to remember that your feelings aren't really important -- wha..."

Spot on!


message 13: by Rahima (new)

Rahima Yasin | 97 comments Ruth wrote: ""Indulging in joy" is too abstract. Write the poem so we can tell you're joyous without having to be told.

"Making my heart sigh" is a cliche.

I'm sure you mean nightingales, not nightangles. I ..."



What about this version? Do you think its better?


A walk they took
Along the deep blue sea
Hand in hand
Besides the palm trees
Misty fog like a rosy dye
Hard blowing wind
A sight too rare
Entrapping my thoughts 
Deep inside. 
He caressed her face
Wiping away all those tears
Nightingales singing
Imprinting hope and peace
In their footsteps they have
Left me drooling for glee! 


message 14: by Rose (new)

Rose Boehm (rosemaryboehm) | 2668 comments Here are some concrete suggestions why your poem isn't doing what you had in mind. My opinion only.

A walk they took
Along the deep blue sea [CLICHE FROM OLD SOUTH SEA MOVIES]
Hand in hand
Besides the palm trees [DODGY - ALSO THE RHYTHM]
Misty fog like a rosy dye
Hard blowing wind [IF THE WIND BLOWS HARD THE MIST MORE THAN LIKELY ISN'T A 'ROSY DYE]
A sight too rare [WHAT IS SO RARE - THE WIND? THE PALM TREES? THE ROSY FOG?]
Entrapping my thoughts [ENTRAPMENT: In criminal law, entrapment is conduct by a law enforcement agent inducing a person to commit an offense that the person would otherwise have been unlikely to commit]
Deep inside.
He caressed her face [IT WAS YOU BEFORE, NOT 'HER']
Wiping away all those tears [WHY DID SHE/YOU CRY? and 'ALL THOSE' IS SUPERFLUOUS]
Nightingales singing [THEY NORMALLY SING AT NIGHT AND NOT BY THE SEA WITH THE PALM TREES AND THE STRONG WINDS]
Imprinting hope and peace
In their footsteps they have [I ASSUME YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR FOOTSTEPS AND HOT THE NIGHTINGALES?]
Left me drooling for glee! [DROOLING: DRIVEL, SLOBBER]


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