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Jurassic Park (Jurassic Park, #1)
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message 1: by Anthony (last edited Aug 28, 2012 09:03PM) (new)

Anthony Jr. (anthonymbriggsjr) | 13 comments Jurassic Park is one of my favorite movies of all time. But it got hit in a series of humorous columns I wrote a long time ago called The Harsh Eye. As a movie critic, I would write out ten glaring problems within a movie -- even movies I liked a lot to prove that none could escape the glare.

Here was the list for Jurassic Park. Hope you enjoy it, if any of you can actually remember that far back lol

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Overall, Jurassic Park is a good movie; when it first came out it was groundbreaking and was incredibly entertaining. It contains one of my favorite movie exchanges portraying man’s proper position in the face of an adversary of nature:

“I can see the shed from here, we can make it if we run.”
“No… we can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re being hunted…”
“Oh God!”

Nevertheless, the Harsh Eye will not let you down, there are plenty of bones to pick.

1- Now that I think about it, I don’t know where to begin with this movie. One scene definitely deserving some harsh criticism is when Dr. Allan and the little girl are squatting next to the jeep and the tyrannosaurus somehow sneaks up on them. First of all, how in the world did that giant thing sneak up on them so they don’t hear a sound until it is standing right behind them, so close it can bend down and blow off Dr. Allan’s hat with a snort from its nose? At all other times when it was walking around there were loud, vibrant “impact tremors,” as Dr. Malcom called them. Not this time apparently, guess it was tip-toeing. But that’s not the worst part of the scene. The worst is what Dr. Allan says. When the girl starts to scream he quickly covers her mouth, slopping in a handful of mud and whispers: “Don’t move! Its vision is based on movement perception!” Right. Last time I checked, Dr. Allan was an archeologist, one that dug up and studied bones of dead dinosaurs. He had never seen or examined a living dinosaur before coming to the park, in fact, he didn’t even know they existed… so how in the world would he know anything about their visual abilities or characteristics? The rest of the world doesn’t even know what color the things were, but Dr. Allan has figured it all out. I guess he found a few dino eyeballs and brains preserved in amber as well.

2- Another thing about those “impact tremors”; at first when we hear them, we hear one, then there’s a long pause, then another one, long pause, then another, remember? So exactly what was the tyrannosaurus doing? Hopscotch? Dancing? Trying to stomp on rats?

3- How exactly did the car drive down the tree, seemingly chasing after Tim and Dr. Allan? Why didn’t it just fall off? Somehow it stays stuck to the trunk as it busts up branches and rolls on down the tree like a squirrel running down an oak or something. More interestingly, why didn’t Dr. Allan and Tim just climb around the tree and get out the way when they had the chance instead of climbing straight down and remaining in its path?

4- Dr. Allan and the kids sure were pretty accepting of their fate after escaping from the T-rex. Rather than use the cord they climbed down to climb back up the wall and follow the road back to shelter, they climb up a tree and go to sleep. I don’t know about you, but had I been there sleeping outside in a tree about 50 feet from where the tyrannosaurus was last sighted would not be an option.

5- When Dr. Allan and the kids wake up in the tree to find a dinosaur , Timmy says the brachiosaurus “looks like it has a cold” just before it sneezes on his sister. Good diagnosis, Dr. Tim. A regular Doogie Howser.

6- You remember that scene the next morning in the compound when they’re contemplating what to do in the current crisis and the hunter suggests putting the lysozieme contingency into effect? The woman asks, “what’s that,” and Samuel Jackson explains, basically it will kill all the dinosaurs. Had I been there, I would have been like, what the heck are we waiting for?! The old man says “absolutely out of the question.” I’d have been like, try to stop me old man! Let me rephrase that: try to stop me at your own peril. Those things are history… I’m not waiting around for the opportunity to explore their digestive systems, as fascinating a trip as it may be. Unfortunately Samuel Jackson did not realize the only rule those dinosaurs knew of, kill or be killed. He inadvertently chose the later. Poor Sam, I can almost hear him now: “Hmmmm, this must be the large intestine… fascinating…”

7- Dr. Allan tosses a stick at the high voltage lines. When nothing happens, he grabs the lines and pretends to be electrocuted. Fortunately for him, the lines were off, but I’m wondering what was he expecting to happen when he tossed the stick at the line to test if it was on? He might as well of just grabbed the line and taken his chances, since that’s basically what he did. He had no idea whether he’d get fried or not either way.

8- When the power does come on, all 10,000 volts of it passes through Tim as he completes a circuit with his arms and torso. Not only should he have been burnt to a crisp, his muscles should have went into a spasm, preventing him from letting go of the fence until he blew apart. Instead he just flies off the fence and lands conveniently in Dr. Allan’s waiting arms. By the way, after the siren sounds alerting all present that the fence power will be coming on momentarily, Dr. Allan has the brilliant idea of climbing up the fence to get Tim, who was afraid to come down. Good thing Tim got zapped first, otherwise there would have been nothing left for the girl but the unsettling sight of two pairs of arms smoking on the fence – Tim’s at the top and Dr. Allan's about halfway up.

9- For this next criticism you might have to go back and watch the movie. When the raptors are trying to force their way into the computer room, Dr. Allan and Dr. Grant are struggling valiantly to keep the door closed. Dr. Grant is trying to reach for the hunting rifle with her foot but it’s just out of reach; to get it she would have to stop pushing at the door with Dr. Allan and the raptors would get in. The little girl is on the computer trying to figure out how to turn on the locks. And what is brilliant little Tim doing? He’s jumping up and down with his hands on his head. Literally. When I first saw this, I was like what the heck are you doing kid? Pick up that rifle and go bust a cap in that monster!

10- Finally, when I first saw this I was studying computer engineering at Florida Tech. The thing that irked most people there was the line of the little girl when she sits down at the computer: “This is a Unix system… I know this system…” How in the world did she know that from looking at the park program user interface screen?

These problems aside, this was an awesome movie. Until next time, let me know where the Harsh Eye should turn next!


message 2: by Sheri, Princess of Power (last edited Aug 29, 2012 04:45AM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

Sheri | 10873 comments Mod
I loved Jurassic Park! This is awesome, thanks for the laugh :)


message 3: by Anthony (new)

Anthony Jr. (anthonymbriggsjr) | 13 comments Cool, glad you enjoyed it ;)


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