Barry Pierce's Reviews > Anna and the French Kiss

Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins
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did not like it
bookshelves: 21st-century, read-in-2014

When I was four, I fell off a tree. I hit the ground face first. What I didn't know was that there was a very small, sharp root sticking out of the ground at the base of the tree. It went through my cheek. I went to the ER but had to wait until 2am because it was a busy night. I sat there for hours in that ER with a hole in my cheek. When the doctor finally saw me he thought that since it was a busy night and there were so many people in the ER that he would just sew up my cheek without having to wait for an anesthetic. And he did. He sewed my cheek back together with no pain relief. I have never experienced pain like that again in my life. Until now. Anna and the French Kiss was more painful than that night in hospital. It is a lifeless, desolate, lump of a novel. Its only purpose in this world is as a gauge by which we measure bad novels. This is the bottom of the gauge and Twilight is at the top.

Anna is the stupidest person I've ever come across in fiction. She is a self confessed film buff and hopes to one day become America's leading film critic. She obviously must know A LOT about film then eh? *sigh* She's a supposed film buff but yet knows nothing of Paris. PARIS. The home of fucking film. At one point in the novel she is genuinely SURPRISED that Paris has cinemas. FUCKING CINEMAS. How can she be so incredibly ignorant of the place where film was fucking invented and know literally nothing of French cinema BUT YET call herself a fan of film? Ridiculous. She eventually actually goes to the cinema a couple of times but lo and behold what does she watch? American films. She in the home of film and she watches American films. I can't deal with this girl.

Oh but let us for one second talk about the love interest. Mr. My Name Is So French It's Borderline Racist Étienne St. Clair. He is literally every "male love interest" YA cliche rolled into one festering tumour of a character. He's American BUT has a British accent, he has messy hair BUT his room is meticulously clean, he's book smart, smells nice and is probably the Second Coming of Christ. He is UNBEARABLE. He's like Augustus Water but this guy doesn't have the common courtesy to die at the end. How rude.

I hated everything about this novel. It felt unresearched, rushed, and in places, dumbed-down. It is written in a style that I can only describe as "unemployed Sex and the City screen writer". I wish this novel came with a warning, "Keep out of reach of children, and teenagers, and adults, dogs, garden gnomes, your grandmother, school janitors, priests, gibbons, and especially anybody who lives in Paris because this novel is an insult to their city".

I'll finish with a quote from one of my favourite film critics Roger Ebert (who gets a mention in this novel and I'm pretty sure he's turning in his grave because of it). I'll manipulate the quote a bit but the sentiment still prevails.
"This book doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This book isn't the bottom of the barrel. This book isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This book doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."
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Reading Progress

July 17, 2014 – Started Reading
July 17, 2014 – Shelved
July 17, 2014 –
21.0% "This is fucking awful"
July 17, 2014 –
39.0% "I imagine having a stroke is more enjoyable than reading this novel"
July 18, 2014 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-50 of 290 (290 new)

Taylor Haha! I love this book, but this review was a good laugh XD

message 2: by Alexandra (new) - added it

Alexandra I hear Baby Jesus crying in the distance.

message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

this review is hilarious and I haven't even read the book yet!

message 4: by Matilda (new)

Matilda Almost 99 % of French characters in American or English novels have the stupidiest names ever. Names you would never heard in a million years in real France.
And of course in movies we always have the ugliest accent in the world, but apparently it's cute because French accent is cute right?

Anyway I didn't wanted to read this novel before, and I don't want to do it now. Good.

message 5: by Lynecia (new)

Lynecia LOL! It's nice to see an entertaining contrary opinion (takedown) of a beloved novel. It always seemed too cutesy for me. This was funny, though.

Hannah this is beautiful

Ofir ( FlameLeviosa) I loved this book but I laughed so hard reading this! I think I even peed a little at "He's like Augustus Water but this guy doesn't have the common courtesy to die at the end. How rude."
*Actually LOL-ing*

Amanda ROFL I quite liked this book when I read it 3 years ago, but I don't remember very much. I think you should read all the over hyped YA so there can be a dissenting voice in the crowds of fans. I recommend Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side. That book was pure shit.

message 9: by Marion (last edited Jul 18, 2014 01:20PM) (new)

Marion Matilda wrote: "Almost 99 % of French characters in American or English novels have the stupidiest names ever. Names you would never heard in a million years in real France."

American people must be baffled when they come to France and realise that half of the male teen population is names either Kevin or Nathan. So French.

He's like Augustus Water but this guy doesn't have the common courtesy to die at the end. How rude.

I vote for this quote to become an official quote in the Goodreads database!

ester Loved Anna and will always love that book, but I still think your review is hilarious!

message 11: by Brandy (new)

Brandy Great review. I'll be sure to warn my area gnomes of this book.

Zohal I loved this book but your review is still very entertaining. Great points! :)

message 13: by Nerdie (new)

Nerdie I hate this fucking book. This review is so beautiful! *sniffle* :')

message 14: by Eliza (new)

Eliza Rapsodia Poor baby jesus. Priceless Barry.

Ariel It was worth making you suffer just so that I could hear you rant about it. I love this book, always will, and reading your updates has made this book oddly more special.

Kalysta i love this book so so much, but this review is so funny

Araceli.libros Hahaha I love you! I need more reviews like this one

message 18: by Camila (new)

Camila Aroca muñoz Your comments actually made me want to read the book just to see how bad it was. I tried, I swear. I couldn't get passed page 40. I admire you so much for having the patience to read the whole thing.

message 19: by Jasmine (new) - added it

Jasmine i appreciate your curt & bloody honesty, that was a riot!

message 20: by Alix (new)

Alix This review just made me so happy. Please read more YA because the commentary is priceless.

message 21: by Ellissa (new)

Ellissa Oh thank god for your review. I could not bring myself to like this book at all! Plus there is the whole cheating element of it which I found so off-putting. I just didn't get the cutesy parts that everyone seemed to love. The French film thing was the biggest thing that bothered me about this book as well. Freaking hell you are in Paris and only want to see American movies! Seriously!

Not trying to bash people that like it but the story was soooo not for me.

message 22: by Cruiseny (new)

Cruiseny Please do book rant... (I mean review) video.

message 23: by Sarah (new)

Sarah This review is the most beautiful thing I've read in ages.

message 24: by Lia (new) - added it

Lia It's a YA read. Everything should make one irritable and nothing should make sense. Ha. Nice review.

message 25: by [deleted user] (new)

this makes me laugh so much barry

message 26: by Antonia (new)

Antonia Perfect review.

message 27: by Phoebe (new)

Phoebe Literally crying, this is amazing

message 28: by Nikki (new)

Nikki I'm really glad you liked it.

Oh my god, you're my favorite person on goodreads! This is hilarious!

message 29: by Inkling (new)

Inkling :)))) this is why i love your reviews! you have a very funny way of expressing likes and dislikes. keep it up!

message 30: by Sophia (new)

Sophia This is beautiful. The agony I feel every time I see a Booktuber go on and on about this horrific novel and how amazing it is. Even the cover is nauseating.

message 31: by Cata (new)

Cata León PLEAASE could you PLEEASE read The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy? I really want to hear your thoughts on these books! (video)

message 32: by Angela (new)

Angela Sauceda I want to print this review out and hang it on my wall.

message 33: by Cata (new)

Cata León Manny people've told me to read this book… Now I just don't know…

message 34: by Greg (new)

Greg Sirico I am still laughing from this review and it has been ten minutes since i have read it.

message 35: by Nour (new)

Nour I didn't think the book was that bad but THIS REVIEW IS MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD. I ACTUALLY PEED MY PANTS.

message 36: by Julia (new)

Julia This review is more well-written than the entire book.

message 37: by Liz (new) - rated it 4 stars

Liz It's definitely one of those cutesy novels and the drama is ALL about the boys. xD

message 38: by Elizabeth (new)

Elizabeth Reading this review made my day. When I saw that you were reading this book I begun eagerly awaiting a rant of a review. Reading your review is probably more enjoyable than picking up the book.

message 39: by Abbey (new) - added it

Abbey Shaw That's just a tad rude and over the top don't you think??

message 40: by Abbey (new) - added it

Abbey Shaw *the review not the book

message 41: by Meha (new) - rated it 1 star

Meha This review was so brilliant, and I am a John Green fan. So true, I thought nobody in booktube could see this book for what it truly was. My French friend cried when she read this. Actual physical tears of horror rolled down her cheek as they, and I quote, "defaced our precious city."

message 42: by Lorena (new)

Lorena Just from the title we know it's shit. By reading your hilarious review I am ABSOLUTELY SURE I WON'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THIS BOOK. Almost all YA novels are just so fucking boring and predictable.

message 43: by Chester (new)

Chester Dean I've not read the book and I'm certainly not planning on reading it any time soon (ever, I meant ever) and I thought this review was brilliant. I just love when reviews speak the truth. Young people nowadays seem to love every single awful book that's out there. I thought The Fault in Our Stars was awful, that was my most painful experience after getting my head hit (accidentally) with a bat, like it happened to you with this book. But if I ever wrote a review with my honest thoughts, people would set me on fire. God! I just loved this review. PS. You're the only one of my contacts to give it a negative grade, the rest gave it 5 stars.

Cristina Muñetones OMFG I love this review, I love the book too but this review it's amazing

Yousra altho this book is one of my favorites, your review is hilarious and made me want to reread it and pay more attention!

message 46: by Franziska (new)

Franziska That is a hell of a review! You write the way you speak. Very entertaining! Thanks for making me smile.

message 47: by Ana (new) - added it

Ana This is so good, thank you! Made my day.

Markeisha This review made me laugh so much out loud haha! I felt the same way so I just put it down. Had to send you an add!

Markeisha This review made me laugh so much out loud haha! I felt the same way so I just put it down. Had to send you an add!

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