Sign in with Facebook
Caroline's Reviews > How to Win Friends and Influence People
How to Win Friends and Influence People
by
by
This book had a profound effect on me, however, of the negative variety. It did give me pointers on how to actually break out of my shell and "win friends" but in the long term, it did way more harm than good. Not the book per se, but my choice to follow the advice given there. The book basically tells you to be agreeable to everybody, find something to honestly like about them and compliment them on it, talk about their interests only and, practically, act like a people pleaser all the time.
It might sound like a harmless, or even attractive idea in theory, but choosing to apply it in your every day life can lead to dangerous results. Case in point: after being a smiley happy person with loads of friends for about a year, the unpleasant realization began to creep in, that by being so agreeable to everybody else, I rarely ever got my way. I also sustained friendships with people who were self-centered, so talking about their interests was all we got to do together, which drained me of my energy. The worst thing still, is that by trying to find something to like about every person, I completely disregarded their glaring faults. It didn't matter that those people did have redeeming qualities - they weren't redeeming enough! I ended up with a bunch of friends I didn't really want and, because I was so preoccupied with "winning" those friendships I missed out on the chance to form relationships with good people.
I suppose, for somebody who is a better judge of character, the principles outlined in this book *could* be of some value. But that's really just me trying to find something positive (using the "principles") in a book that I am still trying to UNlearn.
If you want to win friends, you have to do it the hard way, by being yourself and risking rejection (and daring to do some rejection of your own, as well). And if you want to influence people the only fair way to do it is through honesty. All the rest is manipulation and pretending. Do not read this book, you'll only learn how to manipulate yourself & others. Do not read it out of fear of rejection & low self-esteem, there are better ways to gain some courage in approaching people. This will harm you in the long run.
Thank you for reading this review.
It might sound like a harmless, or even attractive idea in theory, but choosing to apply it in your every day life can lead to dangerous results. Case in point: after being a smiley happy person with loads of friends for about a year, the unpleasant realization began to creep in, that by being so agreeable to everybody else, I rarely ever got my way. I also sustained friendships with people who were self-centered, so talking about their interests was all we got to do together, which drained me of my energy. The worst thing still, is that by trying to find something to like about every person, I completely disregarded their glaring faults. It didn't matter that those people did have redeeming qualities - they weren't redeeming enough! I ended up with a bunch of friends I didn't really want and, because I was so preoccupied with "winning" those friendships I missed out on the chance to form relationships with good people.
I suppose, for somebody who is a better judge of character, the principles outlined in this book *could* be of some value. But that's really just me trying to find something positive (using the "principles") in a book that I am still trying to UNlearn.
If you want to win friends, you have to do it the hard way, by being yourself and risking rejection (and daring to do some rejection of your own, as well). And if you want to influence people the only fair way to do it is through honesty. All the rest is manipulation and pretending. Do not read this book, you'll only learn how to manipulate yourself & others. Do not read it out of fear of rejection & low self-esteem, there are better ways to gain some courage in approaching people. This will harm you in the long run.
Thank you for reading this review.
2295 likes · Like
∙
flag
Sign into Goodreads to see if any of your friends have read
How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Sign In »
Reading Progress
Finished Reading
April 2, 2010
– Shelved
Comments Showing 1-50 of 185 (185 new)
Whoa, great review. Very heartfelt and eye-opening. I guess there should be a companion book titled 'How to Know When to Win Friends and Influence People.'
Its what i used to think, but now Caroline just brought out my thoughts. I guess i would not need to read the book
you may have placed an emphasis on the how to win friends part and not as much as on the influence people aspect
I like to read interesting reviews like yours that shows us "the other side", especially on popular books like this one. Well done. On the other hand, I would rather apply what I am learning from this book mainly on the work environment, where you'll be dealing with all kinds of people, whether you like it or not. I believe this is about gaining more resilience and being more flexible in all the relationships in your life, not only work colleagues, but also neighbours, family, etc. Everyday it is clearer to me that if I wait for people to change, I will die waiting. So i'd rather change myself. Maybe you should try seeing it this way. Like you, sometimes I am too kind to people and try to accept them the way they are, but it's just too much for me the way some people are so egocentric and selfish. That's when you should keep a distance. You don't have to be friends with this kind of people, but as I said, sometimes it's people you have to deal with.
I read this book 6 years ago and i find it to have a great concept. However my opinion if you want an overall improvement your not going to simply find it in one book but in a collection of the books you read. Last book i read states " A key to attracting high quality people in our lives is to become a high quality person doing high quality things". In One Door Two Locks By Jim Muncy.
It did the same to me!!! Ugh
It did the same to me!!! Ugh
It did the same to me!!! Ugh
Like Izhaar said, you didn't put any time into the influencing part. Ya, it's basically manipulation, but it works. I don't need any more friends, I use these ideas in my business, to get what I want. Use it on my employees to get them to do what I want. Just wrote a letter to my kid's teacher the other night using these principals and I got everything I wanted from her and turned a whole situation around in an instant and brought my kid's grade up 30 points overnight and got special concessions for him. You missed a whole part of the teachings.
What Shawn is talking about seems very manipulative to me. I know I don't have all the context of the story, but it sounds like you just manipulated a teacher into giving your child free points. I hope it was more of some sort of issue where your kid either deserved the points (due to some error by the teacher) or the teacher wasn't initially taking into account extenuating circumstances. If perhaps you were a shy person before and would just not do anything about it before (even though you should) and this book helped you deal with that then this would not concern me (it would in fact make me think that the book is very good), since that doesn't seem as much as manipulation, as much as persuasion to me.
I haven't read the book yet and am basing whether or not I should read it based on people's comments, and would like to hear more about this stress on 'manipulation' discussed in the book.
Your review is good. Good luck
i had a similar experience, but no one book is perfectly tailor to everyone. i realized i was too agreeable and too eager to please. i take what i can from this book, make worthwhile friends and cut out untrue friends. for a socially awkward person like me, it's a great start but the end is up to me, not any book. i agree with your review btw.
You can learn how to tackle people effectively through coaching and training, that doesn't mean every person you meet gets tackled. You took something weird away from this book, maybe you've grown since to see where you erred, I honestly hope you have seen it since and still aren't stuck in such a poor mindset.
The book offers tools to utilize, you have to decide yourself how to best use those tools.
I had the same experience as you, but I would assume this would work for some body else, for example if I had a daughter who truly hated everyone and acted upon it, I would recommend this book for her to tone down her negativity. But yeah the book definitely did more harm than good in my case.
This would have been my favorite book review ever, were it not for the last line. Thanking the reader is you doing the very thing you condemn throughout the review--baseless people pleasing. The reader should be the one thanking you for your incisive thoughtfulness. But maybe you're still in recovery, in which case I'll cut you some slack lest I not win your friendship and influence you to my thinking.
These are principles and principles alone. People will get different results depending on their foundations, thier set values. Values are incredibly difficult to change and they're based around your experiences at a younger age. I'm sorry, but if you don't have the right values, these principles won't help you. If you are applying these principles to "get your own way", of course you're not going to be happy.
Hmm. Dunno Caroline. Your review reminds me that reviews say as much about the reviewer, and sometimes more, than the book.
Your review sounds like a tale of self-esteem and co-dependence perhaps. Relying on others for your self esteem and trying to please them in hopes of receiving it back is a lesson many insecure and/or highly sensitive people (HSP's) go through.
You can be agreeable AND employ the self respect of boundaries at the same time if you practice it. At it's essence it's really just manners of speech (Google : "Polite Boundaries"?, etc) The mere patience it takes to calmly assert yourself without aggression is more than many can do anyways. But it would take practice...
Or, as Robert De Niro once said "Smile, nod, and then do whatever you were already going to do." ;-)
Personally it took me a long time to learn those things myself. I had more friends in my 20's - but better friends in my 30's. It happens when you go from just needed people to hang out and party with to people that share your values and interests.
Maybe you need a decent book on co-dependance and HSP's just as much if not more than Carnegies advice. Take some personality tests, get in touch with your values and interests. Then PURSUE them. You're sure to find the friends you seek then.
TL;DR It's about how to go about being a person that's hard not to like, not doing "whatever it takes" to make people like you.
Likeable AND Assertive.
Carnegies only half the battle. Now google "How To Be Assertive" and your training will be fulfilled as a Social Jedi.
Danny wrote: "TL;DR It's about how to go about being a person that's hard not to like...
You mean like lowest common denominator stuff?
You can be a person that's hard not to like and still have no friends. This sort of maximizing the odds that you advocate seems backwards to me. Self-knowledge is really the goal and as you home in on yourself you'll almost certainly reduce your friendship potential (quantity-wise). As for influencing people toward real values and convictions--or anything lasting--I doubt this book can deliver.
Thank you for writing this. Your experience paralleled my experience almost exactly (though thankfully I realised there was something off about a year in, but the damage had been done...) It really should be acknowledged somewhere in the book that what they meant by 'friends' is more a salesman's perspective, otherwise it is very damaging if you do try to apply it to personal relationships.
How to win friendsWin = acquire/secure as a result of certain endeavors
Friend = a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection
Affection = a gentle feeling of fondness or liking
Question: how would you express your appreciation to your friends? Do you smile at him? Do you listen to him? Do you respect his/her opinion? Do you want to help him change for the better?
In regard to the definition above, friend is someone who reciprocates your affection. If they cant, consider them your acquaintance or colleague.
Imagine one of your acquaintances has the potential to be your friend. Why not try apply those principle to find out whether he or she is qualified or not. If the negative, is it harmful to treat him/her politely? We are all bound to human rights right? All im saying that in this book, i learned more about human rights than not. "All man shall be treated with respect and dignity."
This book was a bit one sided. It's good for business especially in sales. You can transfer some of the information to personal relationships but you really can't learn those things from a book.
Caroline,love your review and one thing strucked me that with too many people to please you cannot set the bar you want to and need to which ALLAH(GOD) has bestowed upon you.By rejection one learns what is the right herd really would love your idea about positive affect or which part to read or not
Caroline,thank you again
Caroline , I love your review , I could not agree more
Funny, this is precisely the assumption I made after I had seen the title of the book! And they say that assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups, while in all fairness, often quite an accurate one can be inferred from a mere fraction of information.
The book teaches you to give honest and sincere opinions. The book didn't ask you to be manipulative and insincere.
You have to use your common sense and your heart while reading this book. The writer specifically says that this book doesn't teach you how to be a slimy, lying asshole. It emphasizes on the fact that you NEED to be honest while giving compliments for example. It also doesn't teach to you to be friends with people that aren't worth of your friendship. You have to have your opinions but don't shout them and don't talk just about yourself and don't criticize other people. If you approach reading this book in a negative way then yes, you will take his advices in a negative way. simple as that. But I approached it in a positive way. What can this book give me, what can this book add to the quality of my life? How can I improve my conversations with people, how do I make the stress of dealing with people less stressful? And I found a lot of great advices in this book for exactly these dilemmas.
I understand what it is that you are saying, but I still prefer just being who I am. If others cannot accept me the way I WANT and NEED to be, then I don't want and need them. The strategy that I have employed from my own initiative using my very special power of reasoning, is to actually piss exactly those people off that piss me off, either that or terminating any communication with them forever. I don't know, I just kind of feel like one measly little story of Melville is worth ten thousand times more than books of this kind, all things considered. I simply prefer natural people. If you come to me and talk to me naturally and thus originally, no matter who you are and what you do I will respect you just for talking to me. I mean, shit, if I see that you're having any trouble in the conversation and I really do mind, who the fuck am I? I am an asshole that only looks for pleasure and having a good time, thinking only of myself and never trying to understand other people and their problems or little insignificant deficiencies. Some people are just shy or whatever, however, that is no reason to change via education to suit others. I would accept you or anyone as they are, ignoring each and every flaw, but only if it is YOU. That inexorable self, the one that might be shy on the outside, but nonetheless, it is, is it not? That's proof enough for me that IT IS as it should be.
And if winning friend is so important, give them drugs, there will be hundreds at your doorstep at any moment, you know how it works. We're either all hooked on something or we are blind and deaf or just way too jovial and optimistic.
I have to say I had some of the same thoughts. I feel that this book is written for a primarily male audience; women actually need to be more direct. I agree that the book teaches us to not be so self-centered and to respect other people, but you also must respect yourself.
I would also say the book does encourage you to speak up if you want to see change, but to approach the issue with tact.
This was a very honest and well thought out review.
Just came here to read the reviews, because some of my friends are into it. I have the same idea about being your own-self and to have the courage to face rejections rather than being someone else and faking yourself to yourself.Im glad you put it in right words, but still since this is so influential, im going to give it a try nevertheless.
I am very likable person but I only have 2 friends, and this is all I want.. this book isn't going to make yourself esteem higher period, and also having many friends isn't gonna make your self esteem higher or how many friends you have. If you worry too much about people, and how to impress them you need to work on yourself .... btw I know so many people where I live they all know my name, when I go anywhere around where I live I have to meet someone that I know.. you will never be happy if your happiness depends on others, and how to impress them.
I recommend this book to all the entrepreneurs out there.
I don't think you need to use the tips the book gives with everybody. You have to learn who to use it with. Obiously your real Friends have to accept you the way you are and you shouln'd pretend anything around them. Real friendship flows naturaly, is so not about pretending and using triks, I don't think this book is about how to make Friends but about how to get some to like you so you can get something from them. It's different.
I agree with you! Winning friends is not all about pleasing them all the time. Just be your self and natural, you will attract good people in life..
Ive only started reading the book but what I gather so far is that it's presuming the reader is a bit of a dick and self obsessed and its aim is to teach you to be nicer, even if that niceness is fake. The point of it seems to be to make friends so you can get your needs met, like to progress in your career or make a potential employer like you. You do have to use your own judgement though, if someones giving you bad vibes or you dont like spending time with them its ok to not include them in your circle. Real friendships take time to build. Id also take it with a pinch of salt, it was published in 1935, it may not translate well into our narcissistic 21st century were being a nice person doesn't get you far and can even been viewed as a weakness. Its good to have boundaries, I wouldnt be friends with someone for the sake of popularity. You have needs too.
At first I felt the same way however now having read the entire book I took away that these are ways to actually get what you want by treating and dealing with people in a certain way. Some might view that as manipulation to get what we want but at the end of the day we all have an agenda. Thanks for the insightful review!
Jen wrote: "At first I felt the same way however now having read the entire book I took away that these are ways to actually get what you want by treating and dealing with people in a certain way. Some might v..."Jen, So you're saying you're ok with everyone putting themselves first? Is this an Ayn Rand thing? Does this mean I should be more understanding toward the a-hole who cuts me off on the highway and risks my life and the lives of other motorists?
This book helps to win friends and influences people, it doesn't insist to win everyone, we have to choose people, not influence everyone otherwise we will be sweet so anyone can eat us happily.
So you felt vulnerable after reading this book right? Well, unfortunately you read the book plain-dead on the paper and applied the principles wrongly. I will show how. Have you read 48 laws of power by Robert Greene? If you have then you might say it is the exact opposite of Dale's book, well they say exactly the same thing, only just in a different format!
Hmm go back and reread the book, I think you missed a huge part of it.
Caroline your review sheds light on what to expect if one just simply follows through with the principles without assessing the circumstances. The book helps readers realize how simple it is to gain favour but when it comes to appropriateness of usage, that varies depending on many extenuating factors. I'm glad you realized merely a year later the need to change your approach and I hope you found the appropriate tools to help you move forward.
On the other hand, if you already understand why we should love people (with rational arguments), then you don't need this book.
If you fail to do so, here is a very simple principle that you can follow.
Sit back. Think of the world that you would happy to live in.
Yeah, your first thoughts were not about having a lot of friends, but saying "hey" with a smile.
This world can be achieved. Only one step at the time. And you have to take the first one. Be a better you. Encourage people to be better. Share your dream for this world. Be tolerant to changes. Maybe they are right. But, nevertheless, be a soldier of your self. Don't be afraid to put yourself on the first line. Hold tightly to your flag. Fight until your last breath that will warm this Earth.
Then, while you fight you will see a change. People around you will be better.
Then you will see a change. Being around better people boosts your strength.
Now your fights can escalate. You can win more important fights.
You can achieve your dream, as long as you don't betray it.
Your guide will be the better world that you dream of and not a recipe, the origins of which you never knew.
But first of all, you need your definition of better. Is it better what you intend to do? That's up to you.
Please, be rational in how you judge. Then you will understand why we have to love people religiously. And the, you will understand why you will never need this guide (or any similar guide). Because it offers you a road which does not lead to your dream.
And yeah, I never read this book. And most likely, I will never read it. Because there are so many great books out there and I have to choose. And I will choose according to my current understanding. And then, I will try to improve it, again and again, until I can write my own one.
That's how I want to live. As a writer, somewhere between the pages while still not forgetting how to read. And this book seems like an invitation to oblivion. Oblivion of why we love people.