Paul Bryant's Reviews > Jane Eyre

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
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's review
Oct 07, 2007

really liked it
bookshelves: novels

It’s a steamy night here in the Knowsley Working Men’s Club, in Knowsley, Manchester. For tonight’s bout only, the organisers have waived their No Women policy but many slightly deranged working class men (it’s the lead in their bloodstream) are muttering darkly, and lightly too, and expectorating heavily against the walls (it’s the coal dust in their lungs). The promoter Manny Rayner clambers heavily into the ring.

“Thang yew, thang yew, lads, this next fight is an elimination bout, three falls, one submission or death to decide the winner. In the BLUE corner, we have the mild mannered yet steely protofeminist from Thornton, Yorkshire, Miss Jane....EEEEEYYYYRRRREEEEE….”

Scattered indifferent applause. Jane, clad in full length governess attire but with ridiculous bright red boxing gloves tied to each hand, storms to the side of the ring and shouts a torrent of abuse at the assembled grinders, mashers and collier lads. They tell her to fuck off. She tells them to fuck off. They don't fuck off and neither does she.

“Thang yew, thang yew, and in the RED corner we have…. The Man from La Mancha himself, DON…. QUIXOTE ... ‘ere, where the fuck is he?”

There’s no one at all in the red corner. Jane capers to the middle of the ring mouthing obscenities and shadow boxing madly. She grabs the microphone from Manny.

“The man from la Mancha
Is a bit of a wanker
E –I-O, E-I-O”

“Give us the fuck that back” says Manny, and seizes back the mike. Just then a galloping sound begins to emerge from outside the doors of the club. A couple of grinders open the doors, peer outside, then flatten themselves against the wall. Don Quixote is riding towards the club on his trusty horse LADY GAGA dressed in full armour, with a lance and all that medieval gubbins. He can’t stop. He comes belting in through the door and LADY GAGA, seeing a boxing ring right in the way, comes to a screeching halt. The Don goes flying. Up up up, then down down down, smack bang onto the centre of the boxing ring and through it with a great crash. Manny and a couple of collier lads peer down into hole. Manny takes up the mike again.

“Thang yew gentlemen, tonight’s elimination celebrity death match has been won by a technical knockout, tonight’s champion is… put your hands together… Miss Jane Eyre…!”

Cries of “Who the fuck cares”. Jane strides about bigging herself up and gobbing down into the hole where the dead Quixote lies in his mangled gore. She’s off her head now. “I told you but you weren’t listening - well, who’s the governess now? Eh? Eh? No, YOU fuck off! I AM THE GOVERNESSATOR! Yeah, me, not you, loser!”

Later Jane writes in her journal.

Reader, it is not pleasant to dwell on these details. Some say there is enjoyment in looking back to painful experiences past; but at this day I can scarcely bear to review the times to which I allude: the moral degradation, blent with physical suffering, form too distressing a recollection ever to be willingly dwelt on.
I blamed none of those who repulsed me. I felt it was what was to be expected, and what could not be helped: a boxing match, nay a celebrity death match. It was humiliating, true. It was not a noble occupation. The persons who saw me then for the first time, and who knew nothing about my character would have drawn lamentable conclusions. And as to the outcome, where it was not sinister and cruel it was piffling. Let me condense now. I am sick of the subject. I know not when I shall have to fight again.

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Comments (showing 1-14 of 14) (14 new)

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Bettie☯ Brilliant!

Manny To misquote George H.W. Bush, the only thing worse than appearing as a character in a Celebrity Death Match would be not appearing in it. I bow to the true Master of this genre.

message 3: by David (last edited Sep 16, 2011 06:18AM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

David You just know Joyce Carol Oates was right there in the front row, cursing like a sailor, licking her lips lubriciously, grunting orgasmically, as she noted down every lascivious detail for her next magnum opus : "Jane Eyre : the murderess of the moors" ....

That's "moors", not "Moors", ye ignorant gits!

Paul Bryant & was later observed slipping out the back with one of the rougher looking colliers.

message 5: by Ian (new)

Ian "Marvin" Graye All hail the governator.

Paul Bryant Revived as a protest against this protest against reviews like these

Sarah (Presto agitato) Paul wrote: "Revived as a protest against this protest against reviews like these"

I support your protest, but also reading this review makes me wish we could have another Celebrity Death Match tournament. I wasn't around for the first one, and I feel like I missed out. I'm still having fun catching up with the reviews. Actually, I think what Goodreads needs is more Celebrity Death Match!

Manny I have thought many times about organizing a second Celebrity Death Match Tournament, but fear it would be just another sequel. If anyone else wants to set one up, though, it's extremely easy. In fact I tried to persuade the Goodreads sysadmins to automate the procedure, but got zero response. Feel free to agitate here if you think it will do the slightest bit of good...

midnightfaerie lol! great review!

message 10: by Jim (new) - added it

Jim Manny wrote: "I have thought many times about organizing a second Celebrity Death Match Tournament, but fear it would be just another sequel. If anyone else wants to set one up, though, it's extremely easy. In f..."

Maybe it could be tag-team pairings with Mexican-style masks and capes, or is that just a sequel with a makeover?

message 11: by Paul (new) - rated it 4 stars

Paul Bryant tag team! Jesus and Don Quixote (The Windmill Boys) vs Lolita and Lisbeth Salander (The Riot Girls)

I'd pay good money.

message 12: by Paul (new) - rated it 4 stars

Paul Bryant Thanks Halima - this is one of a ridiculous series of celebrity death matches between various books - the very idea is as absurd as it gets.... but it was fun at the time. Here's another one you may like

message 13: by Jessika (new)

Jessika Love it just s fun review on what is probably a very boring book.

message 14: by Paul (new) - rated it 4 stars

Paul Bryant actually I thought it was pretty good... a little dull in places but that's the Victorians for you.

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