Tracey's Reviews > The Hobbit

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
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's review
Jun 05, 2009

it was amazing
bookshelves: fantasy, the-professor, 5-star, dragons
Read from May 01 to June 20, 2011

Goodreads has done a terrible job of celebrating J.R.R. Tolkien's birthday today, so here's my effort: here's my not-quite-review of The Hobbit. Enjoy.

He Didn’t Mean To Adventure
– The story of The Hobbit, singable to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” (try it!) (spoilers...)

Bilbo is respectable in Bag End Under Hill
Till “Gandalf tea Wednesday” and a rune scratched on the door.
Fili Kili Ori Óin, Dori Nori Bombur Glóin
Bifur, Dwalin, Bofur, Balin – are there any more?!
Yes: Thorin especially; Gandalf makes fourteen
An Unexpected Party, and a burglar with no choice.
Green Dragon, Bywater, Trolls consider slaughter:
Bert, Tom, and William – Gandalf throws his voice.

Bilbo: I didn’t mean to adventure
Minding my own business,
Then all things went amiss
I didn’t mean to adventure
Taken from my doorstep
Now with Gandalf I schlep

Heading on to Rivendell, Elrond’s House where elves yet dwell
Moon runes, Elf tunes, but it’s not long before:
Thunderstorms, giants swarm, misery is uniform
Captured by the Goblins, but Gandalf comes through once more
Goblin King, a missing Ring(!), Bilbo makes good use of Sting
A game of Riddles in the Dark, Gollum’s bite’s worse than his bark
Balin is sharp-sighted, the party’s reunited,
Bilbo appears, Dwarves cheer, Gandalf is delighted.

Bilbo: I didn’t mean to adventure
Wish that singing was my kettle
Not Elves in fine fettle
I didn’t mean to adventure
Almost served like mutton
Then lost all my buttons

From the frying pan of Goblin fray to Wargs and wolves, ya harri hey
An eye-opener and no mistake, racket keeps Eagles awake
A night spent in an eyrie, Beorn’s house is more cheery
Ponies serve up honey-cake, with dogs and rams – no chops or steak
Beorn gives good advice (maybe should’ve told 'em twice)
Black squirrels and butterflies, cobwebs and insect eyes
White hart frustrates, Bombur is a dead weight
Vanishing feast agonize, all lose their heads (no real surprise)

Bilbo: I didn’t mean to adventure
I don’t think I’m an asset –
Are we nearly there yet?
I didn’t mean to adventure
The Road goes ever on
That’s why I’m woebegone

Bilbo’s nearly caught in webs; courage peaks as daylight ebbs
Attercop, Attercop, monster spiders nearly get the drop
Thorin caught by Woodelves, the rest made prisoners themselves –
Butler and guard drink till they drop; barrels float, Bilbo atop
Bilbo starts to cough and sneeze; Fili says No apples, please!
Desolation of the Dragon, now it’s all up to Burglar Baggins!

Bilbo: I didn’t mean to adventure
Hope I come in useful
Not look too much a fool
I didn’t mean to adventure
Once I blew smokerings
Now I’ve got this joke Ring

Bilbo ‘thags you very buch’, old black snail-cracking thrush
Smaug rises in fire, off to Laketown venting ire
But now the dragon’s Not At Home, I’ll just take that Arkenstone
Goblets they found there for themselves, and harps of gold where once they delved
Mithril vest, did Smaug go west? Lake Town is put to the test
Grim-voiced Bard, black arrow last, a little bird speaks as Smaug flies past
Smaug goes down in clouds of steam – Bard should be king, the Dale folk deem
Dalemen and Elf array marching northward straightaway

Bilbo: I didn’t mean to adventure
I miss my good old arm-chair
Once back I won’t leave there
I didn’t mean to adventure
Don’t care how much gold’s strewn
Can I be going home soon?

Old Roäc, son of Carc, reports Bard’s arrow hit its mark –
That’s the good news; bad remains – Thorin sends him off to Dain
Dueling ballads, Elves and Dwarves – Thorin’ll sit on gold and starve
The Clouds Burst, Bilbo’s cursed, after Dain comes the worst –
Goblins led by Azog’s son – wolves and Wargs behind them run
Disagreements disappear – so does Bilbo, thinking clear
Goblins offer no reprieve, then Thorin turns the tide at eve
And Bilbo sees a welcome sight – Eagles are coming! To join the fight

Bilbo: I didn’t mean to adventure
I’ve a helm and hard skull
Of adventure chock-full
I didn’t mean to adventure
Didn’t expect warfare
Eagles, Dwarves, Wargs, Elves, bear

Bilbo comes to once more – Thorin’s passing grieves him sore
And Fili and Kili, body and shield, defending Thorin died before
Under the Mountain Dain’s now King, Even dragons have their ending
Chest of silver, chest of gold, Yule-tide with Gandalf in Beorn’s hold
Bilbo’s Took blood grows more tired the closer he comes to the Shire
Rivendell – the first of May, and Elves’ lullabyes at break of day
Auction ended, SB’s offended, reputation gone and won’t be mended
Thus ends the tale, how beyond all ken, Bilbo journeyed There and Back Again.
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Reading Progress

05/02/2011 page 30
10.0% "I still know most of "Far over the Misty Mountains cold" by heart!"

Comments (showing 1-31 of 31) (31 new)

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message 1: by Carol. (new)

Carol. *applause*

Milo Awesome review is still awesome. Sadly I can't like twice. =(

Tracey Thank you!

Mike Has to be in the top 5 best reviews ever on Goodreads!

message 5: by Kim (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kim You are the bomb, Tracey! I'm so glad you're my friend. Could you make a mixed tape of your greatest hits for me? Please?

Tracey Aw shucks. Many thanks!

Kim, what you don't realize is that when I was hip-deep in LotR I wrote dozens of the things - let that be an incentive for (or warning against) reading the trilogy! (They won't make a bit of sense otherwise ...)

I did a parody of almost the entire book of The Sound of Music (featuring such hits as "How Do You Solve a Problem Like That Smeagol") ... I had far too much time on my hands.

Helen Wonderful! ***** - I for one, as a (repeat) reader of the trilogy would love to read your LOTR parodies .... (um, have you recorded "Smeagol^^") ...I'd like that mixed tape (Kim) too ...

Tracey Helen wrote: "Wonderful! ***** - I for one, as a (repeat) reader of the trilogy would love to read your LOTR parodies .... (um, have you recorded "Smeagol^^") ...I'd like that mixed tape (Kim) too ..."

Heh - trust me, you don't want to hear me sing.

I stuck a lot of the nonsense I wrote over the years on a blog: http://micheldelvingarchives.wordpres...

Brace yourself; it was my main hobby for a while, so there's quite a bit. The Bounders' Music (the Middle-earthicized Sound of Music) is here.

message 9: by Susan (last edited Dec 15, 2012 01:02PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Susan Johnson This is the book my Irish book club is reading this month. I cut and pasted your review giving you full credit. I hope you don't mind. It was just tot great not to share and since it was so appropriate I had to do it. Let me know if you mind and I will take it down. Great job.

Tracey I don't mind at all - I'm flattered, thank you!

Susan Johnson Tracey wrote: "I don't mind at all - I'm flattered, thank you!"
They just loved your review. It's getting some good comments. You did a bang up job.

Tracey :D Do you have a link?

Helen I too passed it on to a friend (who had just seen The Hobbit movie) - she loved your song/poem & passed it on to a "nerd" (her word) friend - they both now have the second link ....... we are all enjoying it ♥

Tracey Aw, I'm glad, thank you!

What did your friend think of the movie? I haven't heard good things...

Susan Johnson Tracey wrote: ":D Do you have a link?"

It's the Goodreads Ireland Book Club. I'm not sure how to link it. I'm not very computer literate.

Helen Tracey wrote: "Aw, I'm glad, thank you!

What did your friend think of the movie? I haven't heard good things..."

Overall, she loved it, beautifully shot, well cast. She said she could have lived without Radagast (an addition) and that one "huge scene on the mountain" felt Transformerish. That being said, she cannot wait for #2 ;>)

Tracey I heard that Thranduil rides ... a moose. Between that, and the jackrabbit-drawn sledge of Radagast, and the article I read that mentioned the youngest dwarf has little ribbons in his beard that his mother tied before he left home ... AND the three movies and Legolas and Frodo and Radagast himself ... I just can't do it.

Tracey Oh, and: "If you look closely at Bifur's hairline, you'll notice he has an axe wedged into his skull. In an interview with Empire Magazine actor William Kircher explained this new addition to the book's character:
"'I only speak in Dwarvish — It's because of the axe. But something happens… can't say any more. The backstory for my character is that once he was a reasonable okay guy but unfortunately he's turned into a bit of a maniac. He's a bit mentally challenged — only because of the axe. He's not thick, he's just got mental problems. He's totally unstable and in a fight he just goes insane, especially with the trolls.'"
I hate Peter Jackson.

The Pirate Ghost (Formerly known as the Curmudgeon) Okay, that's a wonderful review.

Tracey Thank 'ee, Hugh!

The Pirate Ghost (Formerly known as the Curmudgeon) Your welcee.

Chris Great précis, thanks! Right the way to the end, liked especially "Auction ended, SB’s offended, reputation gone and won’t be mended".

Myself I'm a haiku fan:
Wizard at the door?
Twelve dwarves too? You’ll be telling
me a dragon’s next!

and even
Nasty Bagginses
stole the Precious, yess, and we
hates them forever!

A little underwhelmed, watching An Unexpected Journey in dribs and drabs...

Tracey I can't watch that movie. It's disappointing, because the only thing Peter Jackson & Co do right is casting and I would have loved to see Martin Freeman, but what I've seen (giant jackrabbits, elves riding moose) makes me physically ill. If someone hands it to me free one day, or I happen to stumble on it on tv, I might watch it; I refuse to pay a penny for such garbage.

Karla I saw it for free and it was better than I expected, but my expectations were rock bottom anyway. Way too long and the Thorin angst got f*cking annoying after awhile. The Dwarf gathering at Bilbo's place went on way too long as well. Seemed like the whole movie was a bunch of unconnected scenes, and some dragged on forever (like the trolls).

And I'm beginning to think Cate Blanchett gets very high before she shoots any of her scenes.

The best scene IMO was the Riddle bit with Bilbo and Gollum.

Tracey Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "The best scene IMO was the Riddle bit with Bilbo and Gollum..."

Ah, but you just reminded me: that's reason #12 I can't go see the thing. They showed a little in a commercial, and according to Peter Bloody Jackson the riddle game was ... Bilbo's idea. I can grit my teeth and live with changes in an adaptation if they make sense. I just can't figure out why they would even bother changing this.

message 26: by Karla (last edited May 04, 2013 04:19AM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

Karla I saw it as someone who's never read the book. It seemed like a natural scene that might have actually come from the book, apart from nearly everything else that had excess and cinema written all over it. So take that FWIW. I imagine fervent fans of a book would always find something to hate about an adaptation, like Gone With the Wind's detractors.

message 27: by Moira (new) - added it

Moira Russell Hah!

message 28: by Moira (new) - added it

Moira Russell Tracey wrote: "Karla (Mossy Love Grotto) wrote: "The best scene IMO was the Riddle bit with Bilbo and Gollum..."

Ah, but you just reminded me: that's reason #12 I can't go see the thing. They showed a little in ..."

Oh God, I can't see that movie either. I learned my lesson with the LOTR movies, but at least there was a reason to make those a trilogy beyond "marketing."

message 29: by Karla (last edited May 04, 2013 04:57AM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

Karla Yeah, the padding in Hobbit 1 was so obvious. It was like PJ was doing fanfiction of his own stuff. If I'd done nothing but WATCH the movie, I'd have been incredibly bored. But I was multi-tasking and gave half-attention to both. :P

In my own experience, being a purist never ends well and misery is a guarantee. So best to not even suffer watching something beloved get trashed. Or watch it as a curiosity but not expect much, if anything.

message 30: by Tracey (last edited May 04, 2013 12:15PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Tracey I'm not really a purist. I'm not stupid; I know changes have to be made for a book to make sense onscreen. But I expect a certain level of respect for the original work; Peter Jackson, despite his reputation as a "fan", has no respect. He did a wonderful job with "Fellowship" - the changes he made made sense - and then it was as though he lost his mind, to the point that now all I can think of when I see his face is "tar and feathers".

And now he wants to get his paws on Doctor Who.

Karla It's sad, because I really liked Heavenly Creatures but there's no way he could ever make movies like that again. He's definitely gone through a 'more is better' transformation and now it's simple gluttony. It *is* like he's doing fanfiction of the material, the canon-bending kind.

I'm not one way or another about Doctor Who beyond seeing one season of it, so the fan fallout from that should be pretty epic from an observer's viewpoint!

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