Dinjolina's Reviews > Troubles and Treats

Troubles and Treats by Tara Sivec
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Let me tell you a secret:
The hero of this books is not funny. He is not cute.
He is every woman’s nightmare.

He gets pissed off over you using his new sex swing (don’t ask, you really do not want to know) to calm down your screaming toddler.
He does not say anything nice to you. Like…ever.
His freaking penis can only get hard if you are slutty.
He calls you "Porno Jenny" in his mind.
He talks to your vagina. But not to you! Never to you! And never about important things!
He talks to his penis. All the time.
He has a “sex is the most important thing in the world and all else be damned” attitude even thou he is a grown man with two kids.
He is the man that told you that your vagina was horrifically slaughtered while you were giving birth. He decided to tell you this at 3AM, while your baby is screaming.

Then again, the heroine is also a horror.
She talks about how her vagina is now disgusting and broken down. Because kids can brake your vagina. That’s totally a fact! (It’s not. And in makes this book sound like something a guy wrote!)
Also, she is one of the worst mothers in the worls --> but I guess that is an all around theme in these books.

The worst part of it all: None of this was funny! It was not even portrayed in a borderline funny way.
People that find it funny…I don’t know what to say to them. :/
And before more smarty-pants decide to tell me that I have no sense of humor --> I have one. Thank you. I do. I even like marginal jokes. If I was a man I would get a hard on every time Steve Huges makes a joke. For now, I just laugh hysterically every time I see one of his shows.

Here, see for yourselves --> the magical world of the “Chocolate lovers”!!

I tried to hold it in, really I did, but I couldn’t. I dry heaved. It was just…uterus water. Water from her uterus. She was sitting in it. She was marinating in uterus fluids.
“OH MY GOD! DID YOU JUST GAG?” she yelled.
I started furiously shaking my head “No”, but the damage was done.

First of all…what is uterus water, and what woman in her right mind would ever say such a thing?
Plus, somebody’s husband gagging over the fact that his wife’s water broke is…funny? Really?

“You’re never going to want to have sex with me again. I’m going to push a human out of the hole where you stick your penis, and you’re never going to want to go there again,” she sobbed.
Why God, why? WHY did she have to put that image in my head? I never had a problem having sex with her when she was pregnant with Veronica. Never went through that whole “Oh no, what if I hurt the baby or he sees my penis” bullshit. But this? Oh sweet Jesus, this is the end for me.
“Oh, that’s just silly. Why would you say something like that?” I asked nervously.
Maybe because it’s true. A human is making his way down that canal, and I’m supposed to not freak out about this?

Again, funny? Not so much. Note of caution --> the heroine was not drugged and delirious during the birthing. She says these things all on her own.

“Drew is never going to buy it. He’s going to know right away if I fake an orgasm.”
Claire and Liz burst out laughing.
“You’re kidding right? There is no possible way he would ever know,” Liz informs me.
“Oh believe me, Drew would know. He says he can feel it when I come. He says my vagina squeezes him if he’s inside me, and it tastes different if he’s going down on me,” I tell them.
“What the fuck are you ingesting before you have sex that he can taste it, straight gasoline?” Liz asks.

Do you now see why this heroine is permanently labeled “idiot” in my mind?

There was also a horrible scene where the heroine fakes sex. Or an orgasm. Or whatever. I don’t want to repeat it here, because it’s an insult to all the women in the world. Even if the heroine is an idiot, nobody should reach that level of idiotism.

Okay, so I had cried a little. Sue me. This is emotional shit. This doctor is getting to the heart of all of our problems. My penis and Jenny’s vagina.

I just…I mean…I…Oh, I give up! The heroine’s husband is an emotional black hole. He sucks up anything of any value and spits out garbage.

“What should I do, Liz? I tried the faking it thing, and I thought that worked, but the next two times I suggested doing it again he said no. He actually turned me down! He says he misses my vagina but I think he’s lying. I used to have such an awesome vagina. What if it’s not awesome anymore? I need a second opinion. Liz, look at my vagina.”

It’s amazing how many times the word vagina shows up. Plus, I would seriously consider moving to another country if a friend asked me to look at her vagina.

“Oh my fuck! You guys haven’t been out on a date since before Billy was born either? Isn’t he like five months old?” Liz asks.
“No! He’s a month old. Wait, no. Three months old. Shit, what day is it?”
I turn back around and face the girls. “Okay, so Billy is something like four months old or some shit. It’s Wednesday, right?”

Ah! How many of you don’t know how old your child is? This is such a normal thing! No, no, no! I am not secretly calling child services!

“No man should have to get his penis caught in a jungle of pubic hair.”
I roll my eyes and cross my arms over my chest.
“It’s not that bad,” I complain.
“The last time you even took a razor to that area was seven months ago. It is THAT bad. The day you wanted me to look at your vagina I could see those things trying to jump ship out of the sides of your underwear. Your twat looked like one of those freaky clowns that’s bald down the middle of its white head with ginormous tufts of hair sprouting out by it’s ears.”

Are we really really REALLY sure this was not written by a man?

Maybe this whole time I haven’t really been worried about left-over baby fat; I’ve been worried about my vagina being too furry. I really do feel a whole lot sexier knowing what’s going on down there in my underwear right now. Once Stephanie could actually see my vagina, she had told me it was very nice. And since she’s seen a lot of vaginas in her line of work, I trust her judgment.
I’m a little more confident now about talking to Drew as well and telling him what I need. Weird how a hairless vagina can do that for you. I’m pretty excited to finally be honest with Drew and take my new vagina out for a spin. I wish it wasn’t frowned upon to go without pants in public.

This has to be written by a man! It just has to be!!

When we got home and Drew asked if he could hug my vagina, I told him no and he started sobbing.

If I see the world vagina again, I will…

“Alright, for five points, making your score a grand total of forty-five, Drew – what would Jenny say is her favorite place to make love?” Jackson asks.
“VAGINA! IN HER VAGINA!” Drew screams excitedly.

MERCY! MERCY! Just kill me already! Pleeeease! With a vagina, if you must.

So, all the bad humor aside…and all the talk about horrific labor, genital fluids, and genitals in general this book was badly written.
Oh, don’t get me wrong! The syntax was fairly good for a newbie author, and the dialogue did flow freely (content of said dialogues notwithstanding).
Still, the character development was either all over the place or non existent.
The heroine jumps from being a caring mother to brain-dead-idiot that has a 99% probability to lock her kids in the car and forget them while they die in the sun. She also goes from an emotionally wobbly woman that is trying to find her footing in the world/her marriage to this sex-obsessed monster whose most important issue is if her husband likes her vagina (yes, I said VAGINA, damn you!!!!).
The hero has no character development whatsoever. He is a simpleton struck in his world of penises/vaginas and one-liner jokes. He makes me afraid of the male gender, and every night before bed I wish upon a star --> hoping that he exists only in the weird imagination of this author.

In spite of all of this, and I mean ALL of this, the overall feeling I get from reading this book is a gloomy depressive one.
I felt close to weeping and I am not even sure I could make the reasons behind that to number less than a thousand.

The author took a few serious topics --> marriage after the birth of children, post natal depression, sex life of married people, a married woman’s self-worth…and transformed it in to something horrorificaly ugly and disfigured. Something base, primitive and unrecognizable. Something oh, so very --> WRONG.
I understand humor, and I understand black humor. But there is always a line. And when it is crossed, the whole thing turns from cute to unseemly.

I may sound like a proper and devoted Christian just now (and not my regular kinky self) but the fact is:
The word that would best describe this book is kitsch.
Kitsch (/ˈkɪtʃ/; loanword from German) is a style of mass-produced art or design using cultural icons. The word is a loan word from the German word meaning "worthless”. The term is generally reserved for unsubstantial or gaudy works, or works that are calculated to have popular appeal.

In the end, I must say that I am a bit appalled by the fact that it seems I am the only one disliking these books and finding them offensive to women. Then again, the winner of this years Goodresads choice awards in the Romance category is “Fifty Shades of Gray” --> The end of the world is nearing anyway.

Important edit: I just found out these books started out as Twilight fanfiction. I guess it all makes a little bit more sense now.
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Reading Progress

Finished Reading
November 18, 2012 – Shelved
November 18, 2012 – Shelved as: no-just-nonononono
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: bipolar-alert
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: hero-overly-angsty
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: hero-i-wanted-dead
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: heroine-with-brain-damage
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: just-plain-stupid
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: married-couple
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: maybe-i-should-not-try
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: mind-twisting-epilepsy-inducing
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: more-rant-than-rew
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: moronic-male-alert
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: nothing-new
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: omg-eeeewww
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: pretentious-read
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: sorry-but-just-no
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: stupid-as-hell
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: stress-inducer
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: underdeveloped
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: took-me-a-while-to-read
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: weeeeeird
December 5, 2012 – Shelved as: why-did-i-do-it

Comments Showing 1-42 of 42 (42 new)

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Twinsie Talk Angie J can I ask why you didn't Luke? you are the only person I know that didn't.

Kristin Martinelli i agree with angie, if you dont like these books you have no sense of humor or a sex life. and that kinda sucks!

message 3: by Dinjolina (last edited Dec 03, 2012 12:11AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Dinjolina Ahahaha……. wow.
Yes, you are so right about my life, sexual practices and humor! It must be because you know me so well!


Lady, these books are slapstick comedy. And you know what? A lot of COMEDIANS don’t like slapstick comedy because it has no finesse.
Btw, there are a lot of really funny authors out there that are not ALL THE RAGE FOR NO REASON AT ALL, like…well, this one. Before you pant all over the “Chocolate lovers” books, try reading more than 10 books.

FYI, this is my opinion, which I am entitled to.I also read the books, and I know what I am talking about.
You, on the other hand are just insulting me on a personal basis.
The only thing nice about that is the fact that calling me sexually frustrated is soooo funny, since I am, you know…kinky and engaged. Lol

message 4: by Sarah (new)

Sarah Wow Dinjolina you sure do attract the crazies to comment on your reviews!! I had to laugh at your response though :-)

Princess De Leon I agree with Sarah 100% =))

Zemira (Kylo Ren fangirl) Warner WTH is wrong with people? Everyone is entitled to their opinion. We are NOT all the same and we CAN'T all like the same things.

I've never heard of these books before. Ugh! It's about a single mom. No thank you. That's the last thing I want to read about.

message 7: by Dinjolina (last edited Dec 03, 2012 07:38AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Dinjolina Nah-uh. It’s about a single mom that should be hunted down by child services. And her sperm donor via one night stand who is as irresponsible as her.
Along with all the child endangering situations they go trough you are treated to said child as well. Who is an unlikable monster.

Oh, how funny!

And this book is about their friends. One particular couple to be exact. The husband in the story is unable to tell his wife he loves her, but sprouts verses about luuuving her VAGINA.

I kid you not.

Zemira (Kylo Ren fangirl) Warner Glass is trying to make me read it. I'm so conflicted whether or not I should read it. I should probably stick with reading books from my December challenge.

message 9: by Sarah (new)

Sarah LMAO Dinjolina! You're really not selling this one too me! I've seen such mixed reviews for the series that I'm not even tempted to try it

Blacky *Romance Addict* OMG ahahahahahahahah Hilarious review Dinjolina! I am so not reading this ahahahah

message 11: by NiteReader (new)

NiteReader I love your review, Dinjolina. I'm amazed at its thoroughness!!
I didn't really like Seduction and Snacks because I thought it was over the top and trying too hard for a laugh. Therefore, I didn't read the second book and I believe your all encompassing review of the third has just sealed the deal.
Btw, l appreciate the way you responded to the low blow comment.

message 12: by Mei (last edited Dec 06, 2012 05:33AM) (new)

Mei Then again, the winner of this years Goodresads choice awards in the Romance category is “Fifty Shades of Gray” --> The end of the world is nearing, anyway.

LOL!!!! You're hilarious!!! By the way, didn't Mayans said that the end of the world is on 21/12/2012? well, we are almost 3 weeks from there, so... *wink, wink*

message 13: by Sarah (new)

Sarah OMG this review is brilliant Dinjolina! Those quotes have absolutely proved to me that I don't want to start this series - seriously he gags because her waters broke? And don't even get me started on the rest or I'll be here all day ranting!

Dinjolina Thank you, Sarah, darling. :)
Glad somebody else thinks these things were weird :/

message 15: by Sarah (new)

Sarah I don't have kids and have never been pregnant so I can't speak from experience but I'm not sure which I find more disturbing - the things she says about herself or the things her husband says to her. Either way you look at it I'm not impressed!

I'll happily admit I have no sense of humour if these are the kind of things I'm supposed to find funny!! (I actually think I have a good S of H when it comes to most things but this doesn't sound funny it sounds sick!)

Dinjolina Well, let me tell you something --> if my husband was like that, there would be only one thing for me to do:
Get a divorce.
Btw, ok, so you were not pregnant and you don’t have kids. But how about playing games with friends? And in one of those games you write down that you favorite place to make love is IN YOUR VAGINA. And your husband shouts it to the world? Would that be ok for you? :DD

I just added an edit….these books started out as Twilight fanfiction called the Vagina monologues.
You just know that it’s gonna be baaad when you hear that.
Also, when will authors just come off the Twilight wagon? And I am not even going in to the “Twilight is good or bad” discussion…no…I just need people to NOT piggyback on those books!

message 17: by Sarah (new)

Sarah LOL yeah if I'd been stupid enough to marry this guy in the first place I'd definitely wise up and get a divorce after those conversations!

LMAO about the question - I would never have come up with that answer in the first place. I think her hubby is actually pretty damn stupid so she shouldn't be surprised by anything he does!

Saying it was Twilight fan fiction is more than enough to put me off reading it, the fact it used to be called the Vagina Monologues doesn't help either. That sounds like it's going to be some kind of feminist book though which it quite obviously isn't from what you've said about it. That makes it doubly misleading really.

I'm not even anti fan fiction when people are posting stuff online for free. I've never been into reading or writing it myself but I don't have a problem with it. What I do find irritating is that these authors are then going out and selling the books when they have basically stolen someone else's characters & story. Sure write what you like and give it away for free - I doubt anyone has a problem with that - but when you're making money out of it that's where I get pissed off!

message 18: by Sarah (new)

Sarah Oh and you're right it's about time people found some new ideas - surely we can't be subjected to Twilight / Fifty Shades fan fic forever more can we? Please no!

message 19: by Dinjolina (last edited Dec 06, 2012 11:16AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Dinjolina I know what you mean. Oh, how I know! :/
In the end the same thing stands --> I feel like they are making me give them money for something pretty much stolen. :S

message 20: by Sarah (new)

Sarah That's it exactly! If you want to make money out of something at least come up with your own ideas!! Grrrrr lol

message 21: by Ren Puspita (new)

Ren Puspita The "vagina" words alone is sure make me want to totally ignore this book, Dinjolina. How many "vagina" mentioned? This one look like porn for me :S

message 22: by Lelyana (new) - added it

Lelyana I should read this...curious to the max ..... http://www.smileycodes.info

message 23: by Dinjolina (last edited Dec 06, 2012 08:00PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Dinjolina Hm. Not very good porn, if you look at it that way. :D

The word vagina was used 105 times.
The word penis was used 68 times.
The word womb was used 10 times.
The word uterus was used 5 times.

And the saddest part:
The word love was used in a non sexual way and/or in a way not connected to a penis/vagina/sex a grand total of 3 times.

message 24: by Ren Puspita (new)

Ren Puspita Dinjolina wrote: "Hm. Not very good porn, if you look at it that way. :D

The word vagina was used 105 times.
The penis penis was used 68 times.
The word womb was used 10 times.
The word uterus was used 5 times.


I'm sure its a man who write it, lol! Bad porn and Twilight P2P : totally ignore.

Dinjolina I hope it was (secretly) written by a man. If not...Lord.

message 26: by Sarah (new)

Sarah Dinjolina wrote: "The word vagina was used 105 times.
The word penis was used 68 times.
The word womb was used 10 times.
The word uterus was used 5 times.

And the saddest part:
The word love was used in a non sexual way and/or in a way not connected to a penis/vagina/sex a grand total of 3 times."

That gives me about 200 more reasons not to want to read the book!

message 27: by AH (new)

AH This sounds like a train wreck. I've read my share of fanfics and enjoyed a lot of them. Fanfics don't always translate well into a published novel. This is clearly proof.

message 28: by Kj (new) - rated it 4 stars

Kj I'm confused as to what Twilight has to do with the Chocolate Lovers series. I'm not sure if it was a fan fic but I can assure you I've read them and Twilight and they have no similarities what so ever. Also, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Not everyone is going to enjoy every book that I enjoy and that is ok. For me, Tara Sivec is a great writer. I laughed so hard I cried reading her books.

message 29: by Dinjolina (last edited Dec 31, 2012 02:57AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Dinjolina It was a fanfic of Twilight before it became the Chocolate lover’s series. I read them as well, and I can see some themes that can be related to Twilight.
But other than that --> it was pretty much a joke among friends because the other Twilight fanfic that became all the rage was FSoG.

As for your opinion --> good for you. You can like her books, or not. It’s up to you.
Although, I don’t get why you felt the need to point that out to me. Have I somehow offended you in particular?

message 30: by Cyan (new)

Cyan This review made me gag (b/c of the descriptions)...seriously, after your review, I don't think I'm able to read this book. But...not sure why people who liked the book are hating on your review? It was hilarious and really informative. Why are there so many annoying freaks on goodreads? Obviously if they disagree with you, they should stop reading and not press "post." Ridiculous.

I don't write reviews very often but I do like reading negative reviews, and I keep on coming across reviewers who get bashed by readers who disagree with them. It is really old and immature, and these readers need to just get a freaking life -- or write a positive review instead of carping on yours.

Rosemary I didn't like this book either! I think what sealed the deal for me was the racing vibrator scene. Utter stupidity!!!!!

message 32: by Anthi (new)

Anthi hahahahahahaha awsome review, I've only read the first book of this series and though I found it funny at some points I thought it was to fluffy and silly. And also I found the kid extremely annoying and I couldn't understand why everyone thought that his behaviour was adorable. I guess you've just convinced me not to bother with the rest of it.

message 33: by [deleted user] (new)

Interesting review - good to see a very different one. You might want to check your etymology and definitions though. "Kitsch" is by no means derived (or loaned) from a German word meaning "worthless". In fact, the etymology is unclear, though it is mostly believed to derive from "kitschen" meaning "to throw together", in the context of art, pottery, craft, etc. Definition and meaning are complex, though it is usually used as a derogatory term for trivial sentimentality. Yes, in literature it often means the overuse of popular topics and a simplified black-and-white world, calculated to appeal to readers, but let's not forget that already "The Sorrows of Young Werther" has been called kitsch. Personally, I myself did not find this overly sentimental or full of perfect, idealized characters and would put it in a different corner than "kitsch".

message 34: by Anthi (new)

Anthi Tt wrote: "Interesting review - good to see a very different one. You might want to check your etymology and definitions though. "Kitsch" is by no means derived (or loaned) from a German word meaning "worthl..."

If this isn't a sockpuppet account I will be extremely surpised!

message 35: by [deleted user] (new)

Well, then - be extremely surprised!

message 36: by Anthi (new)

Anthi TT wrote: "Well, then - be extremely surprised!"

No offence, I really hope so!

Jillian Jeffery I like the series but I HATED this installment ,Jenny is indeed a dumb fuck totally TSTL

Jillian Jeffery But I guess its just like a train wreck ,appalling,disturbing and tragic but you just can't seem to look away .

message 39: by JennB (new)

JennB Okay...I apologize in advance, but I'm about to use the "v-word” and probably hit you with some TMI while I'm at it. Thank you so much for writing this review. I have only read the first book of this series so far. I found it funny as hell, but hated the way the author described a woman's VAGINA after giving birth. I've had two kids the old fashioned way and I felt like she was basically telling me I could go sit on the sidelines with my ugly VAGINA. A bit shitty.

message 40: by Terka (new) - rated it 1 star

Terka Dračková Oh God... thank you I am not the only one who just doesn't understand WHY? Why is it so stupid. I really cannot believe such stupid people exist. Like who is mailing and threatening a guy from DVD?
And that vibrator competition? And the part with...well, almost everything.
As I liked the first book for its humor, erotic atmosphere and real people, this one was disappointing.

message 41: by Beckee (new)

Beckee Sheffer I can’t stand this series

message 42: by Foram (new) - rated it 1 star

Foram Mamtura I have just finished reading the series. The first book was okay, kind of bearable and at times funny. But the rest are just the worst. It was full of illogical and stupid stuff.
Dinjolina, your review is hilarious as well as so satisfying to read! You have correctly pointed out all the stuff I disliked. Glad I'm not the only one disliking it.

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