Jessica's Reviews > Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
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Nov 10, 2012

did not like it
bookshelves: reviewed

*Long exasperated sigh as I rub my temples under my glasses*

3.6 Stars?! You people have given it an average of 3.6 stars?! With 36% of you giving it 5 stars and 22% of you giving it 4 stars?!

When books like “She’s Come Undone” or "My Antonia" get about the same rating as this…I don’t even know what you would call it...wreck of erotica, it really makes me question the validity of our public education system.

Let me summarize the book for you in one scene


I hear a knock at the door. I answer it, it’s Taylor.
“Ms. Steele, I have a *insert ridiculously expensive gift* for you”
Crap
Of course, Christian sends me a ridiculously expensive gift that I don’t appreciate.
I send him an email on my blackberry
“Mr. Grey, this is all too much, I can’t accept this”
-knock, knock, knock-
I answer the door. It’s Christian
Double Crap
Jeez, how does he always get here so fast?
“Anastasia, I’m going to fuck you…hard,” He says cocking his head to the side
My breath hitches as I look up at him, wide eyed, my inner goddess dancing
Blah, blah, blah,
Bang, bang, bang
Aaaaaaaaand DONE.
THE END


REALLY?!?! 3.6 STARS?!?!

I DON’T UNDERSTAND?! I don’t understand how women are swooning over Christian Grey. I’m completely perplexed. It confuses me just as much as when women regarded Mr. Big of Sex and The City fame as “The Ultimate Boyfriend”. No wonder American men are so damn confused! We tell them we want nice, respectful, caring men…and then we swoon over these arrogant, fictional characters that are emotionally selfish.

AND THE SEX! Don’t even get me started on the “sex”. I have not been turned on once during this book. Maybe it’s her elementary writing but, damn, Christian Grey is one 30 second man. That man is done as soon as he starts. The BDSM is not even BDSM, this is “I wanna be freaky without being freaky fake BDSM.”

Seriously, her writing is so elementary. She uses the same verbiage and the same scene setups, with a few big words that she plucked out of a thesaurus here and there so she sounds legit, over and over and over again. How many times can someone say “crap”? How about “hitches”? She hitches, Christian hitches, there a hitch, here a hitch, everywhere a hitch hitch. It’s enough to drive me bat-shit insane. She’s constantly “murmurs” “oh my” and Christian is always “cocking” his head (both of them). “Jeez” seems to be the only thing she can “mutter” when Christian Grey catches her off guard…which is often. I almost threw my Kindle across the room several times…AND THERE’S 2 MORE BOOKS OF THIS CRAP!

Her writing is so bad that she has to stick to clichés to make the story even slightly decent. Mr. Christian Grey has, wait for it, GRAY EYES. And he’s, “50 SHADES OF FUCKED UP!” Get it?! He’s also rich and powerful, employ’s a bevy of lithe, leggy blondes, and has a former Army soldier for a personal assistant/Go-For/body guard. Anastasia is young, (was) a virgin, short, curvy, brunette, and a college graduate that lives in her best friend’s apartment that her wealthy friend’s parents bought. Mr. Grey owns a fleet of vehicles, Anastasia owned an old Beetle. Mr. Grey is brooding, confusing, and emotionally unavailable but also overwhelming, arrogant, jealous, and controlling. Anastasia is nerdy, clumsy, naïve, and STUPID. GOD DAMN GIRL, GET AWAY FROM THIS DOUCHE! I lost count how many times I’ve rolled my eyes.

AND PEOPLE FOUND THIS SHIT AMAZINGLY ENJOYABLE?! WHAT. THE. FUCK? I give up on society.

I’m not one to tell a person to *not* read a book and I almost want you to read it so we can wax poetic about how absolutely horrid this lame piece of literature is; but, if you find it amazing, I don’t know if we can be friends anymore…

Alas, before I bid thee adieu, I shall leave you with a quote from the book that basically says it all, “He’s said such loving things today … But how long will he want to do this without wanting to beat the crap out of me.”

Love, sweet Love.
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Reading Progress

November 10, 2012 – Started Reading
November 10, 2012 – Shelved
November 11, 2012 –
16.0% "I'm only 16% done and I can't count how many times I've rolled my eyes. I don't know if I'm goin to make it through this one, let alone the triology"
November 11, 2012 –
25.0% "Jesus Christ. How long is this book?"
November 11, 2012 –
29.0%
November 12, 2012 –
53.0%
November 12, 2012 –
53.0% "53% through and I'm just getting to their Sub/Dom relationship. Slog, slog, slog. There's two more of these books? *sigh*"
November 14, 2012 –
68.0% "Oh dear God, I have 32% more to go..."
November 16, 2012 –
78.0%
November 16, 2012 – Finished Reading
March 8, 2013 – Shelved as: reviewed

Comments (showing 1-2 of 2) (2 new)

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message 1: by Christy (new)

Christy Thank you!


message 2: by Amanda (new)

Amanda This is my favorite book review ever :)


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