Kelly_Instalove's Reviews > Squeeze Play

Squeeze Play by Kate Angell
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Grade: D for lot of eye-rolling and some major ::HEADDESK::ing.

This started out as a One-Quote Review, and then four hours later I found myself in the throes of a Full Snark Bitchfest.

Shh! Mom's on the warpath!
You’re damn right I am. Also, if you give me
cake to relax, it better not be made of Ivory Soap.


If you read the whole epic rant, you’ll see why. But here's a few teasers as evidence of my very-much-in-the-minority low grade on this.

I have two positive things to say about this book:

(1) It was only 99 cents.

(2) It wasn’t Sweet Jesus! Honey Dews! bad.

But it was close.

I know I shouldn’t judge an entire series by the first book, but since it had a multi-arc storyline, I figured one book was more than enough.

You don’t believe me, do you? DO YOU? Well, all I can say is, READ THIS:

My nipples picked you out of the crowd.
Him: “Your first blow on my coffee turned me on.”
Her: “My nipples picked you out of the crowd.”


And that was the good part.

I present as further evidence these choice bits of WTFery:

Cringe-worthy baseball cliches, metaphors and trivia.

In the heat of her hurt and anger, she hit on a drastic measure. Celibacy would get his attention, which she relayed in the baseball lingo he’d understand.

“Stevie’s temporarily out of the game. Until she’s back at bat, you won’t be rounding my bases.”


Weird retro product and pop culture references, e.g., Playgirl magazine.

In bold black across his groin ran his Bad to the Bone tattoo. Jacy traced the tattoo, remembering his recent photo shoot with Playgirl. “Did you flash Bone during your layout?”


Post-sex Cosmo quiz to determine marriage compatibility.

Post-sex Cosmo quiz

Fun fact: Our heroine uses a glitter pen to record their answers. I'll bet it's a Bic for Her.

Repetitive coffee-themed puns that double as sexual innuendo.

After satisfying Stall and Tate, she worked her way down the counter, pleasing the row of males vying for her attention. More sugar. More cooling blows.


Uncontrollable nipples.

Her nipples went on full alert. Points so visible it looked like she was smuggling raisins.


Repetitive and boring and REPETITIVE euphemisms for boy parts.

...His sex shot north.
...His sex started to rise.
...His sex jutted like her nipples.
...squeezed his testicles and swelled his sex.
...his sex twitched.


Quickies in restaurant walk-in coolers, on country-club buffet tables and behind dumpsters in alleys.

...She came with six strokes of his sex. He climaxed seconds thereafter.
...Again and again, he mated with her mouth.
...He took her in the missionary position.


Completely out-of-character purple prose.

The orgasms they shared went beyond the physical. Each climax embraced the collective oneness of mind and soul.


And, last, but very not least....

Please give me a moment, I’m going to need another bottle. And a bigger glass.
Please give me a moment, I’m going to need
another bottle. And a bigger glass.


THE FAT SHAMING.

...While Stevie tipped the scale at one-thirty-six, ten of those pounds lacked sinew. Brownies and cookie dough had stolen her cheekbones. Her pants wouldn’t zip. Her thighs now rubbed together.


No cheekbones AND chafing thighs? Horrors.

She slid her hands down her sides, felt the slight bulge at her waist. Was he embarrassed by her weight? Her size sixes had evolved into tens and twelves over the years, and the occasional fourteen.

Though she would have preferred a little black dress, she’d be squeezing into a conservative rose silk suit. With elastic inserts around the waistband of the skirt.


Holy hell — double digits AND elastic? Oh. Dear. God. She deserves every ounce of humiliation she gets - even from a man she just met hours ago:

“Chocolate-covered strawberries are great comfort food.”

“Find comfort elsewhere.”

“Why all the concern?” His gaze darkened to jet, dropped to her breasts, then to her belly....


That was just beginning of the conversation. And there's PLENTY more of it. But it's all good, because we all know that women who wear clothing sizes in double-digits are just pathetic losers, right?

::HEADDESK::

There was NO REASON to include ANY of that. None. Completely irrelevant to the story. It’s just a lazy and insulting excuse for character development.

What exactly is a ROMANCE AUTHOR trying to communicate to readers with that kind of utter BULLSHIT? Am I the only one who notices — or cares — about demeaning, misogynistic presentations of women in contemporary fiction?

!!!GAH!!!

So, as you might imagine, the negative feelings stayed with me a few days, and after a very interesting Twitter discussion, I felt compelled to do a few follow-up blog posts. Mostly snark, of course, but with some bona-fide, honest-to-god constructive criticism.

Remember son, the fat girls with daddy issues try harder

The full five-part Epic Mean Girl Rant of WTF Righteous Indignation:

(1) World Series of Romance: Squeeze Play by Kate Angell

(2) Follow-Up: Fun with Fat Shaming! (Part 1)

(3) More Fun with Fat Shaming: Group Project!

(4) Even MORE Fun with Fat Shaming: The Low-Fat/No-Fat Edition!

(5) Final Round of Fun with Fat Shaming: The Guys
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Reading Progress

October 30, 2012 – Started Reading
October 30, 2012 – Shelved
October 30, 2012 – Shelved as: era-contemporary
October 30, 2012 – Shelved as: genre-romance
October 30, 2012 – Shelved as: theme-sports
October 31, 2012 –
15.0% "I'm either going to DNF this or start live-tweeting it. The sexy "banter" is painful - the word "sugar" is used THIRTY-ONE (31) times."
November 1, 2012 –
30.0% "Live-tweeting began last night.\n \n 15% in, we have references to Playgirl magazine, slacks, Dave Barry, Lotus cars, tube tops, Wrangler jeans and a superstar athlete who carries a checkbook.\n \n Sugar references are courtesy of the heroine, who owns a coffee shop. "I hear you give good sugar."\n \n Hero's internal monologue: "Each climax embraced the collective oneness of mind and soul." But what about the SUGAR???"
November 1, 2012 –
31.0% "BFF "tips the scales" at 136 pounds. But don't worry - a smug pro athlete is ready to weight-shame her on the first day they meet.\n \n BFF also has shape-shifting nipples. Raspberries, beads, raisins, darts, pebbles, diamonds. Get it, DIAMONDS in a baseball book? *eyeroll*\n \n Actual line of dialogue: "My nipples picked you out of the crowd." I shit you not."
November 1, 2012 –
33.0% "Hero's internal monologue: "Each climax embraced the collective oneness of mind and soul." But what about the SUGAR???\n \n A few pages later, the heroine informs the hero of a No Nookie Rule until her BFF gets laid. Because it's his fault the BFF got publicly dumped. Withholding sex always makes for a great romance novel."
November 2, 2012 –
45.0% ""Risk bore the chiseled maturity of a man who'd lived and learned, yet still planned to explore."\n \n Our hero has a "Bad to the Bone" tattoo. On his groin. This tattoo is featured in his Playgirl spread, but nothing lower is visible. Because that would just be naughty.\n \n Our heroine has a waterbed. A WATERBED. I shit you not."
November 4, 2012 –
78.0% "The "rebound only" couple takes a Cosmo quiz to test their marriage compatibility. A COSMO QUIZ.\n \n Also, this heroine wears Lolita Lampeka perfume. We know this because it's mentioned TWELVE (12) times. Please note it's not the official Lolita LEMPICKA brand, so it must be a Walmart knock-off brand."
November 4, 2012 – Shelved as: theme-big-misunderstanding
November 4, 2012 – Shelved as: theme-friends2lovers
November 4, 2012 – Shelved as: theme-small-town
November 4, 2012 – Finished Reading
November 9, 2012 – Shelved as: wtf-ugh-blah-ick-stfu

Comments Showing 1-6 of 6 (6 new)

dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Luisa (new) - added it

Luisa Reading your review was so much fun. This is why when a book has such good ratings, I will always read low ratings instead before making a decision. Thank you.


message 2: by Snow (new)

Snow you had me cracking up from LOL. tnx, that was fun! and I don't even know you...:)


message 3: by Angelique (new)

Angelique fernandez Lololol!!!!!


message 4: by shzbooks97 (new)

shzbooks97 I don't think the author was fat shaming, I think she was showing how women, who are a little bit on the heavier side, are fat shamed and how they usually have body image issues because of it (hence the part where Stevie talks about her tummy and her thighs touching each other). That's like saying that an author who writes about a person of color being discriminated against for his/her color is racist.


message 5: by Martina (new) - added it

Martina I'm so glad I'm not the only one who felt that way. Thank you.


Ruth I love this review. Your snark is a godsend.


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