Esteban del Mal's Reviews > TUNNEL / The Lost Diary

TUNNEL / The Lost Diary by Steven Nedelton
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Jun 25, 2012

did not like it
bookshelves: pickle-tossed, fiction, novel
Recommended for: Satanists, snuff film enthusiasts

DISCLAIMER: The following was written with tongue planted firmly in cheek after reading every third word of the reviewed book, which is as much to say that more attention was given to it than the book's author, Steven Nedelton, ever gave to those unfortunate Goodreaders he has spammed with friend requests in order to promote his work, barreling through challenge questions and ignoring the liklihood of his victims even enjoying his chosen genre. Beyond these particular shortcomings, for an artist desperate to promote his work, he is exceptionally rude. Although he has removed some of his original comments, presumably to cast himself in a more favorable light, you can see his reaction to another beleaguered Goodreader, who was merely expressing his frustration with Mr. Nedelton's callousness, here.

Perhaps you, too, have been solicited by Mr. Nedelton or his ilk. Fear not, you are not alone. My point with this exercise is not to discourage independent writers, but rather to encourage them to be more discerning. They stand to garner more fans and goodwill if they would simply be vaguely cognizant of the types of readers likely to enjoy their work, instead of carelessly blanketing the Goodreads community willy nilly with thoughtless advertisements masquerading as friend requests and then becoming belligerent in the face of the resulting blowback.


***

I used to be one of those people that never understood other people that would slow down to look at auto accidents. "Are your lives so pathetic that you can only invest them with meaning by witnessing the suffering of others?" I would think to myself like the morally indignant protagonist of my very own novel that I am.

Oh, how little I understood back then.

You see, this novel book freak show, TUNNEL: The Last Ovary won't let you look away from it. Believe me, I tried, but I was hypnotized into a slackjawed stupor by the abject horror. Now, I know that I'm not an "accredited author" like the tome's architect, snedelton, but I've been around the block a few times and if this is the form civilization's fiction is to take, well...let's just say that I want out.

And you should too.

Lacking even the most basic of narrative structures, the first third of this thing is just some sort of laundry list of people that some, unbeknownst to the reader, third party fantasizes about ass raping. Is this third party the author? An amorphous creature from another planet without any discernable penis that has been intercepting Earth's radio and television-signaled detritus for the last decade as it bounces around outer space, devoid of any larger context? Half of a shampoo commercial here, the whole of a Christian Death track there? Your neighbor? We don't know. All we know is that from pop cultural figures like Megatron as we have come to know him through the Michael Bay Transformers franchise to religious icons like Jesus of Nazareth, some twisted fuck out there has a detailed scenario by which each is devastatingly ass raped.

The next third of the book is written from the perspective of a squirrel. A squirrel that doesn't understand the significance of the school girl dress and pigtails that have been hot glued to it, nor why it is trapped in a blender, nor why there is a fat, hairy, naked shut-in of a biped masturbating to it as it suffers these incomprehensible indignities. But we do. Does the blender ever get turned on? I won't say, all I know is that the sick fuck that wrote this did.

The last third details the layout of the children's sections of Barnes and Noble stores from every state in America. Floor plans are laid out with a hobbyist's enthusiasm, with advice on where to best hide things like chloroform and used cum rags. There's also an afterword that's like some pedophile's miniature version of the Anarchist Cookbook where you can learn things like gasoline dissolves fingerprints and most children prefer watermelon flavored hard candy over the cherry flavored.

In all, this is some sick shit. It's like a reverse enema into your brain. Please, please, PLEASE don't read it. Once you start, you can't put it down. But not in a good way. You might think that you're too smart for it, that it won't fuck you in your brain like it did me. But it will. Because I speak three languages and graduated at the top of my classes and it fucked my brain.
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Comments (showing 1-28 of 28) (28 new)

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The Crimson Fucker esteban! MAMA GUEBO! i'm bored!


Esteban del Mal Fuck off, you.


message 3: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! The A Train wrote: "esteban! MAMA GUEBO! i'm bored!"

Go read 101 messages somewhere! Douche!


The Crimson Fucker fuck that! too much of the same!!!!! i want small, easily digested things to read!!!! i ain't dealing with nobody else's issues!!! AIN'T NOBODY DEALING WITH MINE!!!!


message 5: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Haha! We all bundles of issues! If you ain't interested in that, no wonder you bored! Go read a subway map!


The Crimson Fucker asian! i've got more issues than fucking National Geographic Magazine! so suck mah train balls! i just ain't dealing with nobody else's issues till somebody takes care of mine! that's it!


also! you suck balls@!


message 7: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Get therapy, Mexican!!1

I like many ball-shaped thing! Meatballs, grapes, cherries! I like to put them in my mouth!


message 8: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Speaking of amorphous characters from outer-space, have you heard about Lynne Ramsay filming a "Moby Dick in space" flick? I'm not lying, dude.


Esteban del Mal Paquita Maria wrote: "Speaking of amorphous characters from outer-space, have you heard about Lynne Ramsay filming a "Moby Dick in space" flick? I'm not lying, dude."

Is that who did 'Pigs in Space'? Because I'm down with that.


Esteban del Mal Bird Brian wrote: "Sounds crazy. Love the shampoo commerical- is that Ashiwarya Rai? What a hottie!"

Godammit, Brian. Quit eyefucking Indian models, would you? This is serious stuff -- somewhere in America, at the very moment I write this and at the very moment you read this, there's a squirrel dressed up like a Catholic schoolgirl and stuffed into a blender. I bet you'd be turning over every stone if I told you a Rockefeller was behind it, wouldn't you?


message 11: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Hey now, calm down, dudes! Eye-fucking is all some of us have at the moment! Not Brian, though. He's married to a hot Japanese girl, so his behavior is just gluttonous and shameful. Shame on you, eye-fucker!


message 12: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Hahah! The last 2 words of that commercial? *snicker*


message 13: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Who? I'm perfecting the art of the sneaky leer, by the way. Peripheral staring!


message 14: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Yeah.


message 15: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Bird Brian, folks, repository of all eye-f*ckable Asian things.


message 16: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez I don't know, but it got him to link a Christian Death track, and you don't see that on goodreads every day.


message 17: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Maybe it's part of his smashwords addiction. Didn't he start with monster porn? He must've gotten bored with that and is now looking for less savory outlets for his, um, needs.


message 18: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Maybe I'll start linking goth rock in all my reviews. How long till I have 50 or less friends? Let's place bets!


message 19: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Bird Brian wrote: "I bought a book about how Paul McCartney was killed in 1966 and replaced with a double. I don't know how the book will be, the the review of it is going to be AWESOME!"

I don't know what I love more, that you bought that book or that you're so excited about it.
(((((BB)))))!!


message 20: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Oh, I just love the quote "there is much circumstantial evidence for this rumor being true." I totally would, but I don't have a bank account. Gimme some time, and I'll get one. I sorta promise I will.


message 21: by Eh?Eh! (new)

Eh?Eh! Bird Brian wrote: "https://www.smashwords.com/books/view...

Group read! Who's with me?"


Now now, take one for the team, little buddy!


message 22: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Sure!


message 23: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez Nah, brah. I don't even have an MP3 player or a laptop or...well, I have a computer. Uh, that's about it. Oh, and some cameras! And a digital dart board! I am super high-tech.


message 24: by Miriam (new)

Miriam If BB really wanted you to read it he would photocopy it and mail it to you.


Esteban del Mal Or write it out longhand.


Esteban del Mal In his best Fozzie Bear voice.


message 27: by Paquita Maria (new)

Paquita Maria Sanchez I am particularly a fan of the short-hand. In calligraphy.


message 28: by Katy (new) - added it

Katy Hey, why you so mean to Stanists as to wish this thing on them????? What did they ever do to you? They're just misunderstood (pay no attention to the dripping knife or eviscerated goat) people and you shouldn't wish something this mean upon them!! *sigh* Poor Stanists ...

Oh, wait, you said Satanists! Well ... umm, same thing! Yeah! Misunderstood... don't be mean... pay no attention the man behind the curtain...


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