Sean Jenan's Reviews > Don't Blink

Don't Blink by James Patterson
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's review
May 21, 2012

did not like it
Read from May 21 to 30, 2012

An absolute revelation!

One star: one cliched, hackneyed, gadawful star.

It was around page 250 that this book changed my life. I couldn't understand before then. No way, no context. No truth. Now my eyes are open.

People who watch Bridezillas and SpikeTV need something to read while they poop!

And every chapter here is somewhere between tinkle-length and the span of a satisfying bowel movement. (Although if you're approaching your impending evacuation with a wet compress for your forehead and at minimum seventy-five pages of Joyce's Ulysses, this is NOT the book for you.)

All hail King Patterson, the Henry Ford of fiction, he of 200+ million books served, the number that changes every time you drive past the sign (hell, the dust jacket said 180+ million, the blurb at the end 200+). I see now: this is the McDonald's of prose. It's no surprise that he would have franchised the brand (in this case, I suspect, 90% to 'co-writer' Howard Rougham).

The story is predictable, because what's promised is nothing more than what's on the menu board. That's the whole idea. So everything is easy, safe, and reiterated frequently enough that you can refresh yourself on the plot as far as you got during that last time you locked the bathroom door.

The authors' observations are assiduously non-original. New ideas would get in the way of easy reading. So instead, they offer retreads of others' creativity:

"playing Hollywood Hamlet... Rehab or not rehab? That is the question."

"Say it ain't so, Dwayne."

"Cue Paul McCartney and the Beatles: I'm not half the man I used to be."

Ummmm... Those are other people's thoughts, guys.

One character is described as looking just like Niles Crane from Frazier. Another like a slimmed-down version of Boris Yeltsin. Why create a character? Just pick one from TV. Your readers will feel more comfortable that way.

This is Reading for Dummies, the images and ideas carefully counted out like Chicken McNuggets in cardboard clamshells. I get the feeling that Patterson read through Rougham's synopsis, gave him the green light to write, and then mentioned: "now, if you have any great ideas that come up while you're writing this, Howard, that might make this an even better book, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE DON'T USE THEM! SAVE THEM FOR THE NEXT ONE! WE'VE GOT A QUOTA HERE, BROTHER!"

After all, you only get six nuggets of chicken in a six piece meal.

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Reading Progress

05/21/2012 page 24
09/04/2016 marked as: read
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Comments (showing 1-2 of 2) (2 new)

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message 1: by Candice (new) - added it

Candice This made me laugh. Thanks. And I do believe you're right about the purpose of JP's [non-Alex Cross] novels.

message 2: by Lia (new) - rated it 5 stars

Lia Sanger I think it's a good start for younger readers who are interested in this genre, not every book has to be AMAZING. However this review made me chuckle. This book is my all time fave and nostalgia has defiantly put it on a pedestal. Each to their own tho

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