Tucker (TuckerTheReader)'s Reviews > Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles

Okay, now that I have your attention...

This book was awful and it was wonderful.... I simply hope (or pray) that this book was satire... because if it was, then... APPLAUSE for the hilarity... if it's not... oof

This book, to put it simply, is a "Christian" (Ha!) version of Harry Potter and I have seen four-year-olds write better literature...

There was so, so much going wrong. The dialogue was clunky and weird. There was so, so much inconsistency. All of the characters were creepily "peaceful". Also... this was such an inaccurate display of Christianity... I don't claim to know everything about my religion but even I know this was a forking mess.

Overall, this book... was just... a steaming pile of poorly written, oddly creepy, bigoted propaganda.

And, now... I'd like to share one super weird quote from each chapter to give you an idea about how frickin' bad this book is.

Chapter 1 -

"Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion.

First off... that grammar. Second, evolution isn't a religion? Also, there is tons of evidence for it. How does this grown woman not know at least one piece of evidence for something we all learned in middle school?

Chapter 2 - New Horizons

"No, no, Harry," Aunt Petunia screeched desperately. "I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?"

"Birthdays are not of God," Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. "You tried to corrupt me; but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34.

Once again... grammar and punctuation. But from now on, we'll just say that's a given.

The biggest issue with this part is that Harry has just become a Christian within the last five minutes... and he's suddenly quoting the bible which he hadn't known existed minutes ago? Yup, that makes sense.

Also, Luke 23:34 reads Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.(ignore that part. we don't talk about her)
This verse is the most passive-aggressive thing ever. It's like... sorry, God about my friends here. gosh, they're SO embarrassing in their sin. OOf.

Final note, on chapter 2... Dumbledore and McGonagall are husband and wife... and Hermoine is their freaking child... yikes

Chapter 3 - Dinntertime! (wtf, this chapter title is so creepy)

"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"

The dialogue is so weird. Who cries kindly? In my mind, a cry is loud and emotional whereas kindly implies a peaceful and calmer. The two words are contradictory.
Also, I get that the author was trying to replace witchcraft with prayer but... it doesn't make any sense. This prayer-magic hybrid follows zero rules whereas the actual magic in Harry Potter has set rules that make sense.

I also love how this is supposed to be a God-fearing (in the sense of Christianity, when I say fear, I don't mean being afraid, I mean having respect or awe) school but they just treat God like Alexa... HEY GOD TELEPORT ME TO THE DINING HALL.

HEY GOD WHAT'S THE WEATHER?

Chapter 4 - Dangerous Days Ahead

"His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say; but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower.

"This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal."

Oh yeah... Hermoine... The author took everything likable about Hermoine... actually.. this author took everything about Hermoine and threw it in the trash and now she is bland, annoying and boring.

And she would hate to cause a scandal...


also, oh my word... in this chapter, Hermoine couldn't (as in she was physically unable) to open a door but Harry was (and I quote) "a good, devout Christian now" so he prayed and it freaking opened.

Oh, and Voldemort is introduced in the chapter... His evil plan is to get Congress to remove freedom of religion... this just... I can't

Chapter 5 - A New Friend?

""But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do; then why do they worship statues?"

"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly. "We need to be inclusive. If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts; then there would not be many people left."

"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table. He was getting nervous about this Hat business; but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right?"

This chapter...! I actually was quite fascinated by this chapter mostly because it got semi-close to saying something I agreed with but also because it was so contradictory... They talked a lot about different denominations of Christianity and Dumbledore almost seemed to be saying "Yeah, it's cool... as long as we have the same core beliefs, everything's fine" (which I could dissect in a whole paper of it's own but we won't go into that now) but then Harry is all... "I'm not sure I trust adults anymore" which was fine but then the chapter ended with verses about children obeying their parents?? It was very strange.

Chapter 6 - Sorting Hats!

"....and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands.

Why the everloving f**k is Ron eating oatmeal with his hands? WHY?

And then the chapter goes back to different denominations of religion which went even worse than it did previously...

"Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"
"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"
"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal; and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her?"

YoU MeAn ThE mOmMy Of OuR lOrD?? WHAT?

And then Luna Lovegood comes in (which didn't make sense because she's not introduced until later) with her vegan bacon that was actually just vegetables blended up and died red... THEY MADE LUNA LOVEGOOD A HIPPIE YOU GUYS...

And then at the end of the chapter, Harry said something about women not being beneath men but that women were just different then men... which was like the closet thing so far to being something that I slightly agreed with.

Chapter 7 - Wheat and Chaff

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald uttered happily. He may have been sporting a green and black hat with a snake on it; which testified to his Slytherin beliefs; but he could recognize Harry's pure-hearted godliness, generosity, humility, and innocent goodness. He looked around at his siblings, all of them wearing hats identical to his; and he wondered why none of them were like that.

Absolutely NO clue why the chapter was titled that... Also, this chapter continued what the last two chapters had started with different beliefs and all that and it was a complete mess. I also loved how Harry literally told God that he was a Gryffindor... That's what happened in the real books (kind of... not really but you get the idea) but that action does not fit Harry's character (aka placid, glassy eyed Christian) or the story.

Also, Snape has been introduced (as Mr. Snape. Dear god, have mercy)

Chapter 8 - Refreshing Honesty?

"Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," greeted the older but still handsome in a dignified, rugged way amicably."

First of all, ew... second of all... EWWWW. Who described Snap as rugged and handsome... EWWWWWWW
STAHP ITTTTTTT

Also, this isn't the first time this has happened. All the men so far have either been described as handsome or rugged or both... there was a whole sentence describing how good looking Dumbledore's hands were.

Chapter 9 - A Letter At Dinner

""Could I come?" Ronald asked tentatively after he had swallowed his brussel sprouts.
Harry, Hermione, and Dean Thomas exchanged a knowing look; and then Harry answered kindly, "Of course you can."

Wow, rude.

This was a very short chapter and I have nothing to say except that this book is ridiculous.

Chapter 10 - Dangerous Days Are Here

"...the instructor of my new writing class was kind enough to proof-read it-I didn't take all of his suggestions..."

That was taken from the author's note and all I could think when I read that sentence was yOu DiDn'T TaKe hIs SuGgEsTiOnS?? wOw I nEvEr WoUlD hAvE gUeSsEd

In this chapter, Voldemort is spotted at Hogwarts... but even worse than that is his terrible agenda... he's trying to make it illegal to be a Christian, homeschool, and say Merry Christmas... WHAT EVEN?

Chapter 11 - A Challenge!

"Harry gritted his teeth. He had had enough of this! So-called feminists these days call everything sexist. A man respecting his woman and providing for her and giving her the children and home that she truly desires is called woman-hating! Such silliness can make us forget what real sexism looks like. The truth is-women are just as smart as men; and God made us as their equals; but equal does not mean the same; and when we treat men and women as being the same and tell women to go to work all day and forget about her true calling as a wife and mother; then that is the real woman-hating! And then there are people like Draco, who think that God messed up and made women worse than men. And neither is okay."

This chapter went from... Haha this author is really dumb and horrible at writing to straight-up bigotry. Before the chapter even started, the author went on a rant about Catholics which was unkind and awful. And then in the chapter there was a ton of bullshirt about feminism and sexism and it was just quite a big oof.

At the end of the chapter, Draco got mad at Harry and challenged him... to.. a pray-off... WHAT THE HECK? And here I thought this book couldn't get any weirder

Chapter 12 -

"Harry, Dean Thomas, and Hermione exchanged a knowing look. It wasn't Ronald's fault. It was just how he had been raised. Slytherin Hats do not usually question authority. They think they just need to do what the head Slytherin Hats tell them to do. They never think that maybe the Lord's work is important."

We have a lot to dissect from this chapter. Firstly, now the author is saying that it's okay to disobey authority if you believe it's the Lord's work which is so very contradicting what had been said earlier.

Also, this quote:

" That's right," Dean Thomas said wisely, and not a single word was mispronounced. He had dressed quite respectably for the occasion. His face was scrubbed quite cleanly. Any mommy would be proud to have him for her son.

Not a single word was mispronounced? Hmm, maybe that was because he said two words, both of them being monosyllabic. Also... his face scrubbed quite cleanly? That just sounds wrong and weird.

And finally, Harry made Draco a Gryffindor... because... just because.

Chapter 13 - A Visitors to Hogwarts!

"Ronald was next in line. Tears were streaming down his face and his nose was running down to his chin. He wiped his face with a big freckled hand. He stuck out the other one for Harry to shake. Harry generously returned the action.

Wow, Harry. SO generous of you to shake your friend's hand.

Also, Voldemort visited Hogwarts... in a car... and sweatpants.

Chapter 14 - Bravely Defeating the Foe!

"Voldemort blinked stupidly again and questioned evilly, "Wait, this is about my Reddit account?"

So, in the end... It turns out the Voldemort is just an internet troll so everyone yells at him and then tries to turn him good via good old prayer... but he walks away.

And the book is (FINALLY) over.

Overall -
This book was a hot, steaming mess. The grammar and punctuation were awful. There were so many inconsistencies. The characters were weird. The dialogue was awkward. This book is truly one of the poorest written things I have ever read.

No one knows if this is satire or not. Either way, I say that it's worth a read if you're in the mood to laugh at something so outlandish and dumb.

Happy reading!

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