Jenny's Reviews > Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
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's review
May 03, 2012

really liked it
bookshelves: marriage, self-help
Read in May, 2012

I enjoyed the ideas in this book. The author repeated himself too much though. Here are the notes I took.

CHAIRS (Acronym)

Conquest: your husband will feel you appreciate his desire to work and achieve when...
*you tell him verbally or in writing that you value his work efforts.
*you express your faith in him related to his chosen field.
*you listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to your accounts of what happens in the family.
*you see yourself as his helpmate and counterpart and talk with him about this whenever possible.
*you allow him to dream as you did when you were courting.
*you don't dishonor or subtly criticize his work to get him to show more love in the family.

Hierarchy: your husband will feel you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when...
*you verbalize your admiration of him for protecting you and being willing to die for you.
*you praise his commitment to provide for and protect the family.
*you empathize when he reveals his male mind-set about position, status, rank, or being one-up or one-down, particularly at work.
*you never mock the idea of him being your protector.
*you never put down his job or how much he makes.

*you quietly and respectfully voice your concerns about finances and try to offer solutions on where you might be able to cut spending.

Authority: he will feel you appreciate his authority and leadership when...
*you tell him you are thankful for his strength and enjoy being able to lean on him at times.
*you support his self-image as a leader.
*you praise his good decisions.
*you are gracious if he makes a bad decision.

*you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.
*you give your reasons for disagreeing quietly and reasonably, but you never attack his right to lead.
*you do not play head games with him to make him back down and be a loving peacemaker.

Insight: your husband will feel you appreciate his insight and counsel when...
*you tell him upfront you just need his ear; don't complain to him later that he always tries to fix you.
*you thank him for his advice without acting insulted or like he doesn't care about your feelings.
*you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

*you realize your vulnerabilities, especially among males, and value his protection.
*you counsel him respectfully when you differ with his ideas.
*you sometimes let him fix things and applaud his solutions.
*you let him know that you believe God has made us male and female for a purpose and that we need each other.
*you admit that you can sin and thank him for his perception and godly counsel.

Relationship: your husband will feel you value his shoulder-to-shoulder friendship when...

*you tell him you like him and show it.
*you respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together or come along to watch him.
*you enable him to open up and talk to you as you do things shoulder to shoulder.
*you encourage him to spend time alone, which energizes him to reconnect with you later.
*you don't denounce his shoulder to shoulder activities with his male friends to get him to spend more face to face time with you. Respect his friendships, and he will be more likely to want you to join him shoulder to shoulder at other times.

Sexuality: he will feel you appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy when...
*you respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically.
*you understand he needs sexual release just as you need emotional
*you don't try to make him open up to you verbally by depriving him of sex.

How does a husband spell love to his wife?
1. Closeness--Am I always remembering to move toward her and accept her need to talk and connect with me to be reassured of my love?
2. Openness--Do I share my thoughts with her, and am I sure I am not resisting her efforts to draw me out?
3. Understanding--Am I careful not to try to fix her every time she talks about one of her concerns or problems? Am I remembering that she is an integrated personality and whatever happens affects all of her, especially her emotions?
4. Peacemaking--Am I always willing to resolve issues, and am I careful to never say, "Let's just drop it and move on"?
5. Loyalty--Do I constantly look for ways to tell her that I will be loyal to her forever--that she's the one love of my life, the only woman for me?
6. Esteem--Do I always let her know that I treasure her and put highest value on her as a person? Do I let her know that what she does and thinks are important to me? Does she know that I couldn't possibly do without her?

How does a wife spell respect for her husband?
1. Conquest--Am I always standing behind him and letting him know I support him in his work and endeavors?
2. Hierarchy--Do I let him know I respect and appreciate his desire to protect and provide for me and the family? What have I said recently to communicate this?
3. Authority--Have I gone on record that, because he has primary responsibility for me, I recognize him as having the primary authority? Do I let him be the leader?
4. Insight--Do I trust his ability to analyze things and offer solutions and not just depend on my intuition?
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