mark monday's Reviews > The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder

The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder by Bonnie M. Kaye
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Apr 18, 2012

bookshelves: unread-forever, rain-man-reviews
Recommended to mark by: D.G. ~Shameless Hussy~
Read in April, 1915

For those women who are wondering if there is a little sugar in their husband's pants, and who are unfortunately unable to purchase this remarkable tome...
_________________________

SECRETLY GAY HUSBAND:

SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR PATTERN CHECKLIST

1. Walks and Talks in a Stereotypically "Masculine" Manner.

2. Disinterest in Apparel, including Disinterest in Washing Jeans, Ability to Wear Same Clothes for Days at a Time, Leaving Boxers Here & There.

3. Strong Interest in Beer, including both Microbrews & Cheap-Ass Beers. Also including Home Brewing Techniques, Kegerators, St. Patrick's Day.

3a. Beer Belly.

4. Disinterest in Cooking, Cleaning, Laundry, Shopping, Feeling.
Conversely: the Ability to Mow Lawn, Throw Out Trash, Walk Dog, Work on Car, "Fix Things", Eat Food, Sleep, and Protect Mate.

5. Inability to Empathize, including Inability to provide Extended Bouts of Active Listening. Tendency towards Yelling when Angry, Retreating into Sullen Silence, Refusing to Admit Conflict Exists.

6. Current or Past Membership within a Fraternity. Including Past Participation in Beer Pong, Beer Bongs, Keg Stands, Body Shots, "Shirts-Off Parties", and/or Rounds of High-Fiving (and not including "Eiffel Towers", which are Completely Straight) during Fraternity or Fraternity-Type Frolics.

7. Any Amount of Time at Strip Clubs featuring Women. Attendance at Spring Break Parties and/or Bachelor Parties featuring Strippers and/or Girls Gone Wild. Automatic Bustline Head-Drift. An Interest in Lesbianism.

8. Friend Circle is made up of "Straight Men". Activities with "Straight" Male Peer Group can include Hunting Trips, Poker Night, Paintball, Tailgating, Pick Up Basketball, Las Vegas Trips, and Secretive "Guys' Night Out".

9. Refusing to Dress Up "Just for Fun" in Lady Garments. Refusing to Make Out with Other Blokes, except for That One Time. Refusing to Hold Hands with Another Man while Walking in the Park on a Lovely Spring Afternoon.

10. Denies Being Gay..... Methinks the Lady Doth Protest Too Much!
_________________________

If your husband exhibits any of the above tendencies, I'm afraid I may have some troubling news for you...
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Reading Progress

09/20/2013 marked as: unread
10/03/2013 marked as: unread-forever

Comments (showing 1-50 of 70) (70 new)


message 1: by Tym (new)

Tym lol sounds funny, exactly how serious is this book?


message 2: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday i actually have no idea. so far at least, it is sight-unseen. from reading the book's synopsis, i think the author has established a little niche for herself... Catching Down-Low Men!


message 3: by karen (new)

karen uh-oh...


message 4: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday watch out karen! Secretly Gay Husbands are prowling around, waiting to get you! boo!


message 5: by Richard (new)

Richard Derus Funny!


message 6: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday thanks Richard!

i keep trying to figure out what i can cut out or combine to get it down to a Top 10. but whenever i press edit, i just start adding more instead of subtracting.


message 7: by Richard (new)

Richard Derus The problem of the target-rich environment. The possibilities are almost limitless.


message 8: by karen (new)

karen no - top tens are overrated - the more we know, the better!


message 9: by William1 (new)

William1 Hahahahahaha


message 10: by William1 (new)

William1 You are what they used to call in the American south "a caution."


message 11: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday Scott wrote: "Oh man, I just found out from this review that I'm gay! I gotta tell my wife..."

let her down gently, Scott!


message 12: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday William wrote: "You are what they used to call in the American south "a caution.""

some may even say "a cautionary tale", as a warning to teh children!


message 13: by William1 (new)

William1 Self-deprecation is a sure sign of humility and depth of character.


message 14: by Laima (new)

Laima hahaha... you could write for Letterman


message 15: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday my dream job!


message 16: by Dinjolina (new)

Dinjolina Well, I guess the sequel is ‘How to use your gay husband to find out if you have lesbian friends’.
Then while your gay husband is on the prowl, you can use your hefty gumbo spoon to ward off the those touchy-feely lesbs.


message 17: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday good call, Dinjolina! i like it when the genders can work together to accomplish mutually meaningful goals. it's like falling in love, except it's the opposite!


message 18: by knig (new)

knig and 11: does your husband DIY like this:

description


message 19: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday a Real Gay Top... what a rarity! he's like the magic unicorn of the gay community!


message 20: by Dinjolina (new)

Dinjolina Eh. Well, in a world where all the evil homosexuals are among us- we have to stick together, Jim-Bob. ^^

Btw, why doesn’t this book have a direct link to Coming Out Straight by Richard A. Cohen ? Maybe it can all be done in one sitting – you rip them out of the closet while going ‘Aha!’and then you stuff them right back in. :)


message 21: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday ha! ha! Dinjolina, that is the best comment yet.


message 22: by Laima (new)

Laima Knig-o-lass wrote: "and 11: does your husband DIY like this:

"


I have tears streaming down my face!


message 23: by Dinjolina (new)

Dinjolina Laima wrote: "Knig-o-lass wrote: "I have tears streaming down my face!"

Well, this whole shebang is a crying matter, so it’s ok. :)


message 24: by Mike (new)

Mike Puma mark wrote: "a Real Gay Top... what a rarity! he's like the magic unicorn of the gay community!"

I think a husband who gets the joke buried in that comment, might just be gay.


message 25: by Maciek (new)

Maciek


message 26: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday Tyrone is clearly Secretly Gay Husband material.
ladies, watch out!


Mike wrote: "I think a husband who gets the joke buried in that comment, might just be gay."

indeed! Secretly so, sadly.


message 27: by D.G. (new)

D.G. WTG, mark! I knew you would write a worthy review for this book.


message 28: by Traveller (last edited Apr 19, 2012 11:24AM) (new) - added it

Traveller Heh. I'd actually like to see a free copy of this "self-help-advice book" somewhere. It would be interesting to see what she wrote - and note that the author is female...-like she'd know exactly what goes on in gay men's minds, right?

Now I just need the twin companion to this book (and it must be written by a straight man); being: "How to Know if You/Your wife is secretly bi/lesbian."

Hmm, I had a quick peek at her website, and she does actually seem sympathetic btw. (I'm not coming up for her, and I do think a lot of the language she uses is insensitive, not sure how sincere her intentions are though - she does seem to overdo the "poor little wife" bit and not enough stress on what the man goes through)

Just to defend her a bit, it is a shock if a partner is not upfront about his/her orientation and you walk in to find him/her on top of a lover. I know there's a few guys in my friends list who are open about their orientation, like yourself Mark, and I find that highly commendable, and that's how it should be, of course. :)

..but there are a lot of guys, sadly who grew up in religious settings who either totally deny their true orientation, or try to suppress it the best as they can, and who try to 'cure' it with forcing themselves to be with a woman.

This author apparently has been in a situation like this herself, (married to a gay guy in denial) and I've had some first hand experiences of situations like those, and they tend to work out to very bad/sad conclusions.(If either partner is not upfront re their orientation, it can cause a lot of crap in a relationship). I suppose you could even say it can cause problems with a gay couple if either partner is not upfront re being bi.

A woman who finds out that she is in love with a gay man,(who wasn't upfront about it) goes through particularly helpless feelings, let me tell you. She has to deal with the sudden realization that there is simply nothing she can do, no way she can ever have that man, short of growing a penis. I think it is these issues this author is addressing, since apparently she herself was married to a gay man who wasn't upfront about it. It seems that she is trying to help these women work through their feelings of helplessness, anger and confusion and worthlessness. Keep in mind there are the same feelings of anger and loss as if you were losing him to another woman, but it's worse, because you know there is no way that you could ever really have him.

She observes on her website: "Let me assure you that you are in no way responsible for your husband's homosexuality. This was determined at birth, and there is nothing you could do or did to influence this. This was not your husband's choice either because homosexuality is not a choice. In almost every case, your husband married you because he loved you and hoped that by loving you enough his homosexuality would change--but it can't--no matter how much your husband wants it to change or tries to suppress it. "

I agree that the idea of a "checklist" is rather repulsive though. How about the guy just tells the woman, for Pete's sake. (If only it was always that easy). But as we sadly know, it is society who is to blame, and who forces situations like these with their damn homophobia.

I can see why this kind of book would be repulsive to you Mark, but at least she is trying to get people to see that trying to hide or "cure" your orientation isn't the answer, and you have to admit that there's a lot of guys who try to 'cure' themselves of their so-called "wrong" orientation, and it's the view that one could/should try to do this that should be attacked, I personally think.


message 29: by Kaethe (new)

Kaethe I'm going to suggest two more for your list:

11. Is a Republican.

12. Is a member of a church that decries homosexuality as being a sin against God.


message 30: by Dinjolina (new)

Dinjolina Traveller wrote: "Heh. I'd actually like to see a free copy of this "self-help-advice book" somewhere. It would be interesting to see what she wrote - and note that the author is female...-like she'd know exactly ..."

Well, ok.
But this book makes it all too simplified.

I myself went to the library and came across a book about bisexuals in relationships.
Made me go … ‘hmm’… and even thou the author had a nice feel to her, and almost lulled me in to my security blanket, I was 100% shocked when I realized she is practically telling people to kick their bi partners to the curb.
So, even if THIS author is sympathetic and all nice and cuddly about it all does not mean she is doing the right thing by writing this.

The whole idea of ‘clues’ rubes me wrong.

Non sexual example: I have read a book that said rubbing your nose is a universal tell for lying. Well, gosh! I am NOT a compulsive liar, but I till like to touch the tip of my nose. It’s a tick. What can I do?


message 31: by Traveller (last edited Apr 19, 2012 10:19AM) (new) - added it

Traveller Dinjolina wrote: "Well, ok.
But this book makes it all too simplified.

I myself went to the library and came across a book about bisexuals in relationships.
...."


Yeah, I know, and like I said, I find the 'list' idea offensive, though I viewed her list there on her website, and it's more about relationship signals, ..but most of those list items could in many instances mean the guy is simply having an affair, or it could be a guy (one of the items on the list is that he spends an excessive amount of time viewing gay porn) that is actually just bi.

I think this woman could still have some anger about her own relationship that went down the drain, and it could be her way of working through it.

Of course, if your partner is really bi, it's a totally different story than when he/she is full-on gay, because then at least you still have a chance with them.


message 32: by Richard (new)

Richard Derus THIS IS A SELF-HELP BOOK?!?

I seriously and absolutely thought it was a goof, a humor book.

In that case...ladies, if you wonder whether your husband is having an affair, whether with a man or a woman, ask him. If you can't tell whether or not he's lying, you have a whole different problem.


message 33: by Traveller (last edited Apr 19, 2012 10:40AM) (new) - added it

Traveller Kaethe wrote: "I'm going to suggest two more for your list:

11. Is a Republican.

12. Is a member of a church that decries homosexuality as being a sin against God."


For Americans (not all countries have a Republican party, but there are conservative equivalents, of course) those two are a no-brainer, since those would be the main factors as to why these men aren't being upfront re their orientation in the first place.

@ Richard; you'd be surprised, Richard, at what a conservative, homophobic society can create..


message 34: by Dinjolina (new)

Dinjolina Traveller wrote: "Dinjolina wrote: "Well, ok.
But this book makes it all too simplified.

I myself went to the library and came across a book about bisexuals in relationships.
...."

Yeah, I know, and like I said, I..."


Yes, well…why did I even start the bi talk?
This author has a book about true stories about gay AND BISEXUAL men in straight relationship. I have come across this book, and wonder of wonders, she lumps it all together.
She is pretty much saying that if your husband is bi he is 100% going to cheat on you with a man, and you should hold on to your seat, go ballistic on him, check his every move and then dump him.

Sad. And kind of horrible.
So, should somebody that is basically not tolerant be allowed to write these kinds of self-help books?


message 35: by knig (new)

knig Lets not be too prescriptive here: why must a husband be in love with merely another man or a woman. 'Faith, the possibilities are endless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B94lP-...


message 36: by Dinjolina (new)

Dinjolina Their heartbreaking stories tell about their marriages to gay/bisexual husbands and the debilitating effects that resulted when they learned the truth about why their marriages were failing. These stories tell how these women's lives were shattered through unknowingly marrying a gay man and how they are finding the strength to make themselves whole again after this experience.

See my point? First she almost puts a = between being gay and bi and then she proceeds to give me 22 women whose relationships broke after they found out their…well…never mind. The point is…some of these women had bad marriages. Not due to sexual orientation, but due to being married to jerks. Some were married to bi men and plain freaked out on the poor shmucks. The author has no idea what she is really taking about BUT she seems to really really REALLY like the topic. And when women with bi men come to her she still tells them ‘It is over! Deal with it.’ Making her…a person that broke some straight/bi marriges.


message 37: by Traveller (last edited Apr 19, 2012 10:52AM) (new) - added it

Traveller Dinjolina wrote: "See my point? First she almost puts a = between being gay and bi and then she proceeds to give me 22 women whose relationships broke after they found out their…well…never mind. The point is…some of these women had bad marriages..."

Hmm, ok, you obviously did even more research on her than I did. I must say that a red flag went up for me when I saw a link somewhere on her site that linked to some religious organization offering help for gayness, but I thought maybe that was just one of those ads that tends to piggyback onto a topic.

Anyway, if you're checking your partners' cellphone/browsing history, there's already a big problem with the relationship, isn't it? Whether gayness/biness/whaterverness is involved or not.


message 38: by Richard (new)

Richard Derus Dinjolina wrote: "Not due to sexual orientation, but due to being married to jerks."

And you know the men were jerks how, exactly?

Women bear 50% of the responsibility in their relationships with men. Is it just remotely possible these women were horrible, emasculating harridans, suspiciously demanding accountings for every move, thought, feeling, transient attraction the poor, innocent man was having?

My point is, I don't accept that man = bad, which is what your statement implies about those men (whom you do not know, I point out, and neither do I).


message 39: by Traveller (last edited Apr 19, 2012 11:16AM) (new) - added it

Traveller Richard wrote: "Dinjolina wrote: "Not due to sexual orientation, but due to being married to jerks."

And you know the men were jerks how, exactly?

Women bear 50% of the responsibility in their relationships with..."


Well, let's not point fingers at either side. People who grew up in a liberated environment, often cannot understand why a gay person would lie about it to themselves and others and live in denial.

But I've seen enough of conservatism and prejudice at work to completely twist people minds into knots, -not even just about gay sex, simply just about sex itself as well.

People are the products of their upbringing, and people have a very strong instinct to conform. If your society tells you that gayness is totally wrong and unacceptable, and that God hates you if you are one, chances are you're going to do your damndest do deny that you yourself could be such an unacceptable being.

So I think one needs to at least try and understand how these situations develop.


message 40: by Dinjolina (last edited Apr 19, 2012 11:08AM) (new)

Dinjolina Traveller wrote: "Dinjolina wrote: "See my point? First she almost puts a = between being gay and bi and then she proceeds to give me 22 women whose relationships broke after they found out their…well…never mind. Th..."

Hehe…no…I did not really research her. My nearest library has a really strange book collection so I came across the book. ^^



Richard wrote: "Dinjolina wrote: "Not due to sexual orientation, but due to being married to jerks."

And you know the men were jerks how, exactly?

Women bear 50% of the responsibility in their relationships with..."


One woman was in a abusive relationship. I was referring to that.
If somebody is beating you up, then you should leave him for that. Not because he is gay.
Also, it was kind of hinted that he was aggressive because he had to stay in the closet.
Which is even more insulting to gay men.

But, dear Richard, the author is giving me accounts to these stories. Maybe she is partial to the women telling them. I am unable to judge the men, or the woman for that matter, on my own terms. I can only judge it by the overall feel and the facts the author is giving me.

You seem to be attacking me as some man-hater, which I most surely am not.
I am really sorry if my remark hit a sore spot of yours. It was not my intention. As much as it was not my intention to say all men are jerks and a fault for…what ever.

BUT, to be frank, if somebody is GAY MAN, and married to a WOMAN then it at least 80% his fault if their marriage crashes and burns (because he should have never married her in the first place). So your 50:50 assessment is not usable there. As it is unusable in so many more non sexual problems and situations. So the whole thing is a moot point.


message 41: by Richard (new)

Richard Derus Final words on the subject: Your comment was that the women were in marriages to jerks. You have no evidence of this except this wackadoodle authoress's words. I am not pointing at YOU, but at the societal "You", when I call out this man = bad thinking. I don't know you, so I can make no judgments except based on your own words.

I am a gay man. I have been married to women twice, and each time knew the ladies before marriage, never once pretended to be straight or bi. In one case, I got her pregnant; she later drove while drunk and in the ensuing accident our son died.

The second time the woman I married was a bigamist.

I had a truly wretched mother, a pair of sisters old enough to be aunts who also happened to be without any kind feelings towards men (having met our father, it's hard to blame them for this), was beaten up by nuns...no, I'm not inclined to spot women any points in the insensitivity-to-their-own-badness derby.

So there it is, if the conversation continues, okay, but I'm not on the site to argue. Cheers.


message 42: by Dinjolina (new)

Dinjolina I…am not sure what your point was. I mean with the gay-married man-that told people he was gay-but got women pregnant. It kind of confuses me. :/

As for women being with jerks, I said ‘some’. Some of them. Not all of them. And I was reading personal accounts of a type of experience. Yes, the author is a nut job. But still, why should I go in to reading thinking ‘Lies, ALL LIES!’?

I am not trying to argue. I was just affronted with being put on the spot for something I did not say.
Again, sorry if we misunderstood each other.


message 43: by mark (last edited Apr 19, 2012 09:36PM) (new) - added it

mark monday wow, i leave for a day and look what happens! this has been a very interesting thread to read.

first off, thank you Richard for talking about all that. man. rough. i'm really happy that you came through all of that and have managed to be the awesome fellow i see before me today! cheers, and respect.

second, honestly i knew nothing about this book before writing this review (that's also why i didn't give it any stars - i don't like to rate things i have no intention of reading). although the idea of clues for potential gayness is vaguely annoying to me, it also has so much potential for comedy. unfortunately, that comedy would be rooted in gay stereotyping, so i thought i'd do the opposite with this "review". irl, one of my favorite things to do is joke around about so-called traits of gay guys (most of whom i work with) and straight guys (most of my friends). i bring that jokiness to some of my reviews as well.

third, i had literally nothing against this author prior to writing this review. to me, she seemed a little sad and a little media-whorish. but hey, so are lots of people, so no biggie. however, after reading that she has links to religious ex-gay sites, i'm kinda appalled. that is some potentially nauseating shite, suitable only for pity & disdain. like that Cohen book.

fourth, in the case of Down-Low Men and Secretly Gay Husbands, i actually tend to "blame" the man entirely. i feel a lot of compassion for folks who are fooled and lied to in relationships. my sympathy is almost completely with the woman. however i also put "blame" in quotes because i don't actually blame the DL man or SG husband. pressure from society, family, religion, etc can be horrible. if a person has been fucked over in that way, they can do really shady things just to get through life. like a gay guy marrying a woman and not telling her about his sexuality. or a guy dating a guy for nearly a year without mentioning his positive sero status or his complete addiction to both Landmark Forum and painkillers (which i've experienced, ugh). so i don't "blame" people who do fucked up things because of the fucked-up things that have happened to them or that society has put on them, i can almost understand where they are coming from... but i can't say that i want to be around that or that i like that or that i respect their choices. i empathize with the context but i also think adults need to make hard choices about honesty... if they really want to be considered as adults, and not just as victims of society.

fifth, Knig-o-lass' youtube link is my new favorite thing today. woot!


message 44: by Mark (new)

Mark Lordy i worry about myself now. the fact that i can not tick a huge number of those does that mean I am secretly becoming straight. I am unnerved and not in any way cutesy poo


message 45: by mark (new) - added it

mark monday i think you are perhaps secretly straight and maybe a little precious & cutesy poo as well. a secretly straight kind of precious & cutesy poo. please let your gay husband down gently!


message 46: by Sketchbook (new)

Sketchbook It's a musical w hit song, "Nice Cock if you can Get It."


message 47: by Mark (new)

Mark mark wrote: "i think you are perhaps secretly straight and maybe a little precious & cutesy poo as well. a secretly straight kind of precious & cutesy poo. please let your gay husband down gently!"

once I find one I shall be careful to break it to him carefully


message 50: by Mark (new)

Mark mark wrote: "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKIKEm..."

Now liking that and I mean really liking that...she was fabulous and I had never heard of her before, in which column do I place my tick ? lol


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