James's Reviews > Eclipse

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer
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Jul 16, 2008

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bookshelves: modern-fantasy
Read in July, 2008

"You gave it three stars?" she asked me, biting her lip and holding her breath.

"Yes," I finally answered with my marble lips, cold yet strangely comforting, even warm. "Stephenie, don't forget to breathe."

"Oh, of course." A storm seemed to rage in her for just a moment.

"I gave it a three. It's good." I would never lie to her, could never lie to her. Yet, somehow, she felt it was a lie and brooded in stillness for a moment that seemed to last an eternity.

Finally, I broke the aching silence. "I gave it a three because the vampire lore was that good -- the extended plotline and the setup for a decent fourth novel were all enjoyable." There, I said it. Would it be enough for her? No, it would never be enough.

"But you absolutely hated the tent scene with the [spoiler removed:], and you wanted to send Bella straight to vampire hell for her self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-obsessed self-ness by the end."

We paused and I noticed sobs erupting from deep inside her.

"Stephenie, breathe, and stop biting your lip, it's getting really annoying. Quit with the crying already. Yes, all of those things are true, and if I could release myself from your books, I would. But-"

"But?" she asked longlingly, her fingers caressing my face while my fingers caressed her face and somebody else's fingers were somehow caressing both our faces because you can never have too much face-caressing going on -- whose fingers are those, anyway?

"But despite how much I hate Bella by now, I really want to find out more about the Volturi and the process of becoming a vampire and whether Bella is somehow part of an ancient bloodline that stirs up all the vampires and werewolves whenever she's around. That's why I gave it three stars, and that's why-" I gasped, she gasped, we both forgot to breathe and bit our lips, "-why I will be reading the fourth book as soon as it is out."

Finally, I remembered to breathe and stopped caressing her face, looked into her eyes and with my godlike, cool, marble lips, asked, "Satisfied?"

Smiling, she answered, "Yes, very."

____________

Notes from James: If you like this one, you will probably also get a kick out of my original review of Book 1. Enjoy!
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Reading Progress

01/29/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 101-150 of 216) (216 new)


message 101: by Jenn (new) - rated it 3 stars

Jenn I couldn't stop laughing while Reading this!
Too hilarious! :D


message 102: by Megan (new) - rated it 5 stars

Megan You took the words right out of my mouth with this review. Definitely had me cracking up!


message 103: by Patty (new) - rated it 4 stars

Patty OMG hilarious!!! Love it.


message 104: by Ifrah (new) - rated it 5 stars

Ifrah Awwww... The review was awesome man... :p
Even I love the twilight series & rated it 5 stars... but still... I loved your review too.. That was pretty hilarious James.. :D
Thumbs up!


message 105: by Nate (new)

Nate Perry As a newcomer to the twilight series, i wasn't expecting much from the book. But once i got through the first chapter i couldn't put it down!!! The story of the forbidden love triangle is outstanding. The only thing i did not enloy about this book was that i read this one first so i was lost at a few moments when it came to characters and past events... I am now fully converted to the twilight phenomenon!!! I now will go back and reread the first three books and now i can't wait until the third movie comes out!!!! GO TWILIGHT!!!!


message 106: by Susan (new) - rated it 4 stars

Susan LOVED this review!! thanks for giving me a great laugh! I'm reading Eclipse now and, all the while, hating every minute of it!


message 107: by Klerine (last edited May 13, 2010 05:16PM) (new)

Klerine so true. The thing we who write know is it'll take a lot more trouble for us to get books published than Meyer, and certainly not all that fame. She's got an all-rounded success, which doesn't seem so deserving, that makes it annoying for the rest of us.
Well, some people just have it all.


Pineapple Girl Ha ha ha!!


message 109: by Olivia (new) - rated it 5 stars

Olivia for me the twilight series is a world in which i can lose myself and not face my own problems, and when i return from bella's world, i find my own so much easier to bear...


Cold Fire yes!!! hilarious!!
it was obvious that you are a writer!
I will try your book, love the title!
You have a great sense of humor!!!


message 111: by Hanna (new) - rated it 1 star

Hanna That was one of the funniest things I have read in awhile! While the book should not have recieved 3 stars, I loves the review!


message 112: by Alison (new)

Alison I loved this review. I'm tempted to send it to my 'Twilight friends'.


I would be interested in reading your novel, Broken Mirror Girl. However, Scribd won't allow me to access chapter one; is it still free and available?


message 113: by James (new) - rated it 3 stars

James Alison wrote: "I loved this review. I'm tempted to send it to my 'Twilight friends'.


I would be interested in reading your novel, Broken Mirror Girl. However, Scribd won't allow me to access chapter one; is it..."


Sorry this took me so long to reply, Alison. But the Scribd edition is no longer available for some reason. Luckily, Amazon now allows you to read the first chapter of Kindle books for free, in the web browser, just like Scribd used to let you. Give that a try, hopefully you'll like it enough to buy and keep!


message 114: by Samie (new) - added it

Samie Is there a review for New Moon or Breaking Dawn? I've only found the ones for Twilight and Eclipse...


message 115: by James (new) - rated it 3 stars

James Samie wrote: "Is there a review for New Moon or Breaking Dawn? I've only found the ones for Twilight and Eclipse..."

Yes, I reviewed them all, but the only funny ones are Twilight and Eclipse. Breaking Dawn gets serious as I explain why I gave a book with so many flaws a high rating -- I was defending the ultimate message of the book. Feel free to give it a read, you can access all my reviews here: http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/...


message 116: by Debbie (new)

Debbie Duran My daughter & I got a good laugh out of your Twilight review. She's been bashing them since they came out. I enjoyed the book, but found it lacking in depth, lots of fluff & plot holes. Didn't bother to read the rest.


message 117: by Summer (new) - rated it 5 stars

Summer ok even though i wholeheartedly love these books, your review was so funny and unique i just had to say something!:) and i agree that Bella being so selfish was annoying.


message 118: by James (new) - rated it 3 stars

James Thanks, Summer. I find that people who love the books like the reviews and people who hate the books like the reviews. I figure, as long as I'm making people smile, I won't try to figure out why!


Kimberley HAHA i love it :)


message 120: by Raafia (new) - rated it 1 star

Raafia Awesome and so like how Stephenie writes. I love the face carresing


message 121: by Keerthi (new) - rated it 1 star

Keerthi you got to write more books..unlike stephene,you got some talent!


message 122: by James (new) - rated it 3 stars

James Thanks, Keerthi, I appreciate your comment, it brightens my day.


Sharefah Very cool review


message 124: by Linda (new)

Linda Awesome, never seen a review written that!


Madison Carter Are you sure you didn't just take this right out of the book? This is beyond funny!


Hillary I LOVE this review!! LOL!!


message 127: by Christina (new)

Christina best review ever. This made me laugh whole heartedly outloud! But?" she asked longlingly, her fingers caressing my face while my fingers caressed her face and somebody else's fingers were somehow caressing both our faces because you can never have too much face-caressing going on -- whose fingers are those, anyway?


message 128: by Mio (new) - rated it 2 stars

Mio Some rewievs are just better than the book itself..! ;-D


Julianne Haines Hahahahahaha is all I have to say about that review


message 130: by Isha (new)

Isha hahahahhahahahaha, i love sardonic twilight reviews.


message 131: by [deleted user] (new)

Loved your review very creative


message 132: by Cece (new) - rated it 4 stars

Cece LMFAO!!! I LOVE this review!! By far the best I've come across so far! LOL!


message 133: by Juan (new) - rated it 5 stars

Juan Romero This is probably the best review I read for any book ever. Laughed out loud numerous times to this!!


message 134: by Fendi (new) - rated it 5 stars

Fendi Rampersad best review ever.......


Kristin Best book review EVER! Loved it! I thought the books were good to...


Victoria Awesome!


message 137: by Andrew (new) - rated it 3 stars

Andrew Klegraefe Absolutely amazing, well done!


message 138: by Lily (new) - rated it 2 stars

Lily Zheng HAHAHA I loved this review! So funny and clever.


Katarina Such an unique way to present a review. I do agree with you I hated Meyers style of writing, her dragging and selfish Bella but for some reason I had to read it all... to the end. Somewhere deep inside all those pages of pure boring there was a good story. The whole thing could have been 200-350 pages but of course, Stephenie had to spend 5 pages explaining what Bella's breakfast consisted of...


message 140: by Stacey (new)

Stacey Your review captures this book perfectly. Nice job!


message 141: by Islam Ahmed (new)

Islam Ahmed Thats the first time i read a review like that, its hilarious! I loved it!


message 142: by Wendy (new) - rated it 3 stars

Wendy lmao love your review!! :)


message 143: by Elaine (new) - added it

Elaine Zimpleman I don't like to read reviews if books I hav already read, but after a few seconds, I had to read more. It was very amusing.


message 144: by Sarah (new) - rated it 1 star

Sarah ahaha, just how I feel but instead I gave it 2 stars


message 145: by Kochuthressia (new) - added it

Kochuthressia Panamkuzhackal Five stars for your review, James..... :-D


message 146: by Holly (new) - rated it 4 stars

Holly Miniea Fantastic review. I had to read it to my husband when he asked why I was laughing.


message 147: by Sara (new) - rated it 4 stars

Sara Shaw Hahhaha great JOB you have Talent :P so funny rofll


message 148: by Susanne (new) - rated it 1 star

Susanne Reed Great review. Generous with your stars. Thanks!


message 149: by [deleted user] (new)

LOL!


message 150: by margiecakes (new) - added it

margiecakes Downloaded your book just on the strength of this review. Granted, I have a compulsive ebook shopping habit, and about ninety books before I will get to it, but whatever.


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