I became horrifically lazy towards the end of the LOTR re-read which was undertaken as part of my "month of the kitten squisher" and neglected to review the final two books which together make up The Return of the King. Not so much resting on my laurels as stretching out full length and having a big old snooze right on top of them. But you've all seen the film by now right? So no need to continue...

Kidding, kidding.
(and I've now put this review in the correct order so the newest bits are at the bottom)

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING: BOOK ONE

Four hobbits, two men, one elf, one dwarf and a wizard. This would be the best line up ever for a reality television show.

Frodo, Merry, Pip and Sam along with Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli and Gandalf are the interspecies representatives that form the Fellowship of the Ring. A sort of United Nations of Middle Earth if you will, where the collective are supposed to protect and defend the freedom of all who dwell in Middle Earth and who are at threat from the growing darkness which is gradually creeping out of Mordor.

There is no denying that this collection of six books (now widely published and referred to as a Trilogy) is an epic work. Tolkien sets out his stall early on in Book One with detailed descriptions, dense prose, background histories,poetry and a whole new language. There is a lot of word furniture but given the scope of the story and size of the metaphorical room, it needs to be heavily furnished in order to make it seem real or else hobbits, elves, dwarves and men would be tramping around in a cavernously empty room. Tolkien will not be rushed. He has an end game but with five more books to get through there is no point in putting all your Hobbits in one hole. The first book is slow paced and littered with mythology, poetry and song so if you were bracing yourself for a breathless dash from Hobbiton to Rivendell then you will be disappointed.

And now, a word about the incessant singing. Hobbits like to eat and Hobbits like to sing. The descriptions of eating are fine, although they just made me hungry in turn. The singing is another matter. Much like an episode of Glee, there was far too much impromptu bursting into song and Hobbity jazz hands. You are on a serious mission Hobbits - act accordingly! With that in mind I didn't bother to read about 90% of the singing and so that made the reading of Book One a much speedier endeavour.

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING: BOOK TWO

Inspired by the hobbity singing - jazz hands optional (and to be sung to Stand by Your Man by Tammy Wynette)

Sometimes its hard to be a hobbit
Giving all your love to just one ring
You'll have bad times
And Saruman will have good times
Doing evil things that you don't understand

But with the Fellowship you'll defeat him
Even though he's hard to understand
And though you fear him
And are wary of him
You can beat him
Cause after all he's just a (Saru)man
Stand by your Sam (Wise Gamgee of the Shire)
Give him two arms to cling to
And a ring to bring too

When nights are cold and lonely
And you sleep by rick or stone or tree
Stand by your Sam
And tell Middle Earth you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your Sam
Stand by your Sam
And show Middle Earth you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your Sam!

THE TWO TOWERS: BOOK THREE

Book three is the book where the hobbity singing, skipping and general happy-go-luckiness stops and war starts. War comes to Middle Earth preceded by the felling of great trees, the scorching of the earth, the poisoning of the waters and the birthing of a new race of fighting Uruk-hai. The eye of Sauron has turned its baleful crimson gaze from the orc-ugly workings of Mordor to the realms of men. If this was not bad enough, Saruman, powerful white wizard and most senior of Gandalf's order has decided that black is the new white and effectively changed teams. Apparently black is so much more timeless and the ultimate LBR (little black robe) is something that even wizards desire.

But this book is not just the vehicle in which the hobbits travel to war... this is the book in which we are introduced to a whole host of new characters and LOTR species. Further detailed descriptions of the history and linguistic roots of both Ents and Elves are forthcoming. An even more refined version of the previous word furniture (think Louis XIVth not Ikea)is placed at strategic points around the room adding a further comfortable dimension to Middle Earth. It is this constant growth and development which, although fantastical has its routes in etymology which makes the fantasy world of Lord of the Rings much more acceptable, perhaps even believable than previous fantasy epics.

THE TWO TOWERS: BOOK FOUR

Despite not believing that Hobbits would be very useful in a battle field scenario, Merry and Pippin prove their metal and generally kick Isengard butt in the final instalment of The Two Towers. Admittedly having some giant walking trees to ride around in makes them seem a good deal more invincible but generally you have to give them kudos for having disproportionately large balls, and not the scrying kind either.

Isengard stands barren and torn asunder and Saruman is a prisoner in his own tower while the people of Rohan have made their stand against the fighting Uruk-hai at Helms Deep proving what most great generals already knew. It's not the number of men (or elves or dwarves) you have at your disposal, but how you deploy them that counts. Frodo and Sam are still toiling onwards with the fretful gollum at their heels. It was here that I began to get a little confused as the time scale is disproportionately short in relation to the number of pages employed in order to make the journey thus far. In fact it has taken me longer to read the book than it did for the whole journey to take place and I am no slouch on the page turning front.

THE RETURN OF THE KING: BOOK FIVE

So now the Fellowship is well and truly torn asunder and even all the squeaking hobbits have been effectively separated, albeit it for a short while. The funny thing about hobbits is that the less of them there are in close proximity to each other, the less annoying I find them. Book Five sees Middle Earth fighting wars on many fronts. Denethor is fighting his own inner battles as well as looking towards Mordor and wondering what the hell is about to be spewed forth into his realm, The Battle for the Hornburg is over but Rohan still have to make a stand against the Witch King of Agmar. He is taken care of utilising at bit of Tolkien-style "girl power" in the form of Eowyn who rides into battle and takes one of the hobbits along for ballast. Faramir meanwhile discovers there are many downsides to being an only son. Gandalf and Aragorn decide to play knock knock ginger at the Black Gate in the hopes that this will allow Sam and Frodo to nip in the back door.

THE RETURN OF THE KING: BOOKS SIX

On the way to the top of Mount Doom, Shelob spins Frodo a yarn and leaves Sam carrying the one ring. Cheerfully the orcs are easily distracted by a nice bit of shiny, much like my good self and Sam rescues Frodo and returns the burdensome trinket to him. After this the journey continues with a very long trek to the Crack of Doom (imagine the worst Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award Challenge ever).

Despite having a clear idea of the kind of trouble the ring is capable of getting everyone into (1000 pages has got to be long enough to get a clue), Frodo still battles with the idea of chucking it into the firy pit. Cheerfully Gollum steps up and takes care of this for him but not before taking a finger-snack for good measure. Beyond Mordor, Aragorn is crowned king and everyone is soppy as the inevitable man/elf love story reaches its final climax with graceful smiles and sheepish looks (in the film anyway).

Back home in Hobbiton, not all has gone to plan and the shire is a shadow of its former self. Evil has also pervaded the shire but now that Bag Ends best known hobbit-warriors have returned it won't be there for long, oh no. Evil is expelled, Saruman is slain and Sam gets the girl.
Then there is a lot of happily ever afters, just like it should be.