Lisa's Reviews > Valley of the Dolls

Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann
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's review
Jan 03, 2012

liked it

Ok, this book is soooooooooooooooooooo bad, it's actually pretty awesome, but should be re-titled Valley of the Dumb Bitches. The language is so not PC and everyone gets screwed, but they pretty much ask for it.

Written in the 60's about women in post WWII NYC entertainment industry, it doesn't hold up after 40 years but is like being in a train wreck you can't put down.

Anne Welles- From boring New England, leaves behind the boring small town with the loveless mother and boring boyfriend for the bright lights with her college degree. Lands a job based totally on her hotness as a secretary to a big NYC agent. She doesn't want her MRS. right away, she wants to work for awhile (Awhile in the 1940's was like what, 2 years tops?), but then she meets THE Lyon Burke and immediately wants to tie him down and have his babies, but not in boring NE, that's BORING, in NYC...duh! He of course had an epiphany fighting Nazis and wants to be a successful writer, before he becomes a husband/daddy, and splits to his native England leaving Anne behind to become a successful and driven beauty products TV model who invests and becomes independently wealthy, but still pathetically in love with Lyon. This hilariously plays out like a decade later and it won't end well. She's the girl that bends over backwards for everyone but she's frigid and naive and ends up the fool. In my movie she would be played by...A much younger Leslie Gibb,

Neely O'Hara - Takes her surname from Gone With the Wind which I LOVE! Works in vaudeville through her childhood and lives downstairs from Anne. Anne gets her into the Broadway show as a chorus girl and then promoted to a non-threatening replacement counterpart to the main star, the brassy and aging Helen Lawson. She sings and dances her way into a Hollywood contract, a butt load of money an affair and subsequent divorce, twin boys and a barbiturate addiction! "The Dolls" consume her life and career and after many meltdowns, tantrums and overdoses, Hollywood style, she's considered a washed up hag at 28. After many attempts to resurrect her career and many more drug addictions her self destruction melts away her success and she ends up institutionalized. And then the final hurrah, she sings her way back to the top only to commit the ultimate best friend sin against Anne while spiraling into a Demerol addiction. Neely doesn't get it as bad in the end as she should...what a twat. This role obviously needs to be played by Lindsay Lohan.

Jennifer North - The body! The Face! No talent. Has a minor speaking part in the Broadway musical Anne's firm represents also starring Neely. She has everyone convinced she's 22 when she's actually 26 or 28, something ridiculous, this IS pre-IMDB. She is literally defined by her face and breasts and after bit parts starts campaigning to be MRS.someone rich and famous. She cons a famous singer into marrying her, and knocking her up, but he has some shady genetic material and he's a cheater with an overbearing sister so she has to abort the marriage AND the baby. She ends up doing artsy soft core porn in Europe thanks to her fluent French. She's the first to discover "The Dolls" and ends up with a heavy addiction due to stress about sending her poor family money in Ohio. She also makes a butt load of money but doesn't save and it's all in jewelry and furs. All she wants is someone to love her and make her a happy wife and mother but literally can't escape the destruction caused by her body. She would need to be played by Blake Lively

My movie would be about as good as this book, but seriously, if you're lounging by a pool or on a beach somewhere, this book is excellent. Its so campy and delicious.

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