Sparrow's Reviews > The Walking Dead, Vol. 02: Miles Behind Us

The Walking Dead, Vol. 02 by Robert Kirkman
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Jan 02, 2012

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bookshelves: monsters, needs-a-sassy-gay-friend-real-bad, reviewed
Recommended to Sparrow by: Katie
Recommended for: Second City
Read on July 06, 2012

BANG! POW! SHAZAM! Who wants a gun?

We do!

You’re babies and convicted felons!

We don’t care! There are zombies! We need to kill humans!

Wait, but you said the guns were for the zom . . . Oh, whatever, okay, here are your guns. BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T TAKE THEM OUT OF YOUR HOLSTERS!

(scene)

(people make chagrinned faces.)

(zombies say, “Gar.”)

Not that you would know what to say anyway, but I’m going to make a long speech about feelings right now, so don’t interrupt me because we’re all old men here, except some of the pregnant ladies, and we know that means no interruptions. Okay, where was I? . . .

(chagrinned faces)

(zombies say “Yaurighura”)

Oh yeah, I was going to talk about love. Sometimes people are in love, and I’m happy. We say congratulations and nice to meet you when we are happy. But other times I’m sad, and when I’m sad I TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT IN ALL CAPS. And I spit on things or people. When people die, I am sad because I love people, but if people try to kill people or rape people and then we kill them, I am not sad because they deserved it unless they didn’t mean to kill or rape people in which case we should say we’re sorry and ask them if they want to talk about it. But they don’t. But, if I am sad about people dying I TELL OTHER PEOPLE TO FUCK OFF WHEN THEY TRY TO BE NICE TO ME.

BUT, WHAT ARE WE, CRAZY?

And women. Women are sassy. Sassy, sassy women. But this is not about women’s rights, dammit! We could all die! I am also happy about babies, and I am sad about babies. Because does that baby know how to shoot a gun yet? And, also, is it a bastard? Sex out of wedlock is bad, and that is how babies get made! And babies make us happy and sad and have incredible marksmanship, but are unpredictable with guns.

(scene)

(chagrinned faces)

BLING! SHAWING! BLANG!

Oh my god! What are the babies doing with guns? I will never forgive you for this! AND THEY ARE NOT EVEN YOUR BABIES!

NOOOOOO. Do you mean you had an extramarital affair???

(thought bubble about how it was with his best friend, but she will never tell because she just couldn’t do that to him.)

OH NO! The babies and convicted felons shot all of the canned goods! I never thought they would take their guns out of their holsters!

I hope they didn’t shoot the pickles and canned pears because I am a pregnant woman and must eat pickles while I have morning sickness and do the laundry!

(zombies come out of nowhere saying “Gak” and “Xylophone.”)

WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?! Bleeeaaaarrruuuugghhhiiiiiyyyyeeeechhh.

ZIP! PING! SCHLAKK!

(scene)

(people walk over a hill into the sunset with their guns by their sides and their arms around their women, who are also people.)

(chagrinned faces with a single tear on each of their cheeks)

THE END

_____________________________

How bad does this story need a sassy gay friend? Real bad.
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02/11/2016 marked as: read

Comments (showing 1-50 of 85) (85 new)


message 1: by [deleted user] (new)

Hahahaha. The tv series is this times a million.


Sparrow I know, right?! I laughed so much more than was probably right while I was reading these first two of the graphic novels. I got to maybe episode 3 of the show - wherever they start the love triangle - and I had to shut it off because my eyeballs were starting to feel loose in their sockets from too much rolling.

BUT, the zombies look really cool in that show.


message 3: by [deleted user] (new)

They are. The wommens might be people too, but they like canned goods and being pregnant in a suspicious way thing goes totally crazy in season two.


Sparrow I'm pretty sure that's one of the main points of the whole series. Other than the babies are excellent marksmen when they grow up post-apocialyptically thing.


message 5: by [deleted user] (new)

The babies with guns thing is a major component of the season finale. Like you do.


Sparrow Totally. Because it sounds like a good idea at the time, but it's not . . . or is it? Nobody knows. But it's not . . . or it IS . . .

It's my impression that the first season basically follows the first volume of this with some filler side-eps. And then the second season is this volume. But, Brad says that the kid (view spoiler), which makes sense for TV, I think. He (view spoiler) in the first vol. of the graphic novels, though. And they're all like, "Whoa, maybe giving him a gun wasn't such a good idea. But I would be dead if I hadn't . . . so maybe it was."

doh!


message 7: by [deleted user] (last edited Jul 07, 2012 10:53AM) (new)

(view spoiler) Guns is good!


message 8: by [deleted user] (last edited Jul 07, 2012 10:55AM) (new)

Is this one the one with the farm? Second season was on the farm, and similar in the broad strokes. I read these all in a big compendium, so they're all just one big book to me.


Sparrow Oh, yeah, no worries on the spoiler. That guy totally had it coming, I'm sure. And even though there are zombies, I just can't seem to make it through the show, so I'm probs not going to continue.

Or, I don't know, maybe I will because I do like the zombies. Just not the people.

Oh! I thought you had read these, but I wasn't sure if I was remembering right. Yeah, this is the one on the farm.


message 10: by s.penkevich (last edited Jul 08, 2012 09:01PM) (new)

s.penkevich http://www.indiegogo.com/zworlddetroit

When they build this, they will come.
By they I mean me buying the week vacation package.
And you know you want to go to a zombie theme park.


Sparrow Oh, you know I do! I will die so quickly, though! But it will be worth it.

I hope they have pickles and extra-marital sex! And guns for the babies I have from extra-marital sex!


message 12: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Those babies gotta fight somehow!
Gar!


Sparrow They really do. It is practically un-American that we don't give them guns with those cute little hats they get at the hospital.


message 14: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Hah, only if they also have old woman make the guns too. I mean, they already do feet prints, might as well get their thumbs printed for their gun registration too.
Think of the adorable diaper gun holsters.
And NRA Kids Magazine.


Sparrow GUN DIAPER HOLSTERS!!!

Yes. I want you to make those and sell them on Etsy.


message 16: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich I'm on it.
They will come in cameo colors and will have extra leak protection.
And a slogan with something along the lines of 'never have to worry about crapping yourself in a gunfight again'.


Sparrow Yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!

Yes to all of that!! They will be so patriotic!


message 18: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich And endorsed by Dick Cheney.


Sparrow And worn by Tripp Palin.


message 20: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Haha yes!
They will be called: Republipants


Sparrow ©  patent pending.


message 22: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich


Sparrow That pretty much describes this book. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

That kid desperately needs some republipants.


message 24: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Sparrow wrote: "©  patent pending."

Good call. You may have to be my legal aid. There is bound to be a savage class action lawsuit.


Sparrow s.penkevich wrote: "Sparrow wrote: "©  patent pending."

Good call. You may have to be my legal aid. There is bound to be a savage class action lawsuit."


I'm looking out for you while you look out for teh children.


message 26: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich It's always been about the wellbeing of the children
-s.penkevich before the Supreme Court, 2015


Anthony Chavez Oh man... I don't know how you found that Z World Detroit but wow... and Republipants, you guys got me laughing so hard. Get 'em while they are young.


message 28: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Anthony wrote: "Oh man... I don't know how you found that Z World Detroit but wow... and Republipants, you guys got me laughing so hard. Get 'em while they are young."

I woke up the other morning to a text from a friend about Z World Detroit. It was like waking up to realize it was christmas. Only better. I used to live right downtown Detroit for a summer and I spent much of my evenings walking home imagining it was a zombie film anyways.


Sparrow TEH CHIIIILDREEEN! Ginsburg will eat it up.

This book is so inspiring! Ooo, alternative name for the republipants: kirkeroos - to honor the author.


Sparrow Z World Detroit is such a good idea. It would be like a year-round corn maze.


message 31: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Kirkeroos, I dig it! There can be a zombie survival special edition with bloody bite mark graphics on the butt.

If all else fails, we can have a zombie invasion of the courtroom and say 'bet you wish the children were here to defend us now'


Sparrow Oh my god! The TV show better give you royalties for that idea when they steal it next year.

You are on a roll!


message 33: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Sparrow wrote: "Z World Detroit is such a good idea. It would be like a year-round corn maze."

I know right!? I feel like that one will have a 'you can't sue us' waiver before entering though, especially if they let people just wander through abandoned buildings ha.


message 34: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Sparrow wrote: "Oh my god! The TV show better give you royalties for that idea when they steal it next year.

You are on a roll!"


That's why you'll be there to sue them for me, as I hang my head in shame for suing one of the actually good tv shows out there (I hear bad things about season 2 though, so maybe I won't feel so bad after seeing that)


Sparrow Oh the one we have here FOR SURE has a disclaimer on the ticket. Those things are liability nightmares. AND SO WORTH IT.


message 36: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Nice. Corn mazes are amazing. Corn mazes with zombies... i mean that just calls for extramarital affairs. It's too awesome for one to help themselves.

Ha, wasn't there a news story last fall about some couple calling the police because they couldn't get out?


Sparrow Well, I will keep our eyes on the prize then because I'm not in love with it. But it does have good zombies.

But Dead Set! I would never sue Dead Set.


message 38: by Sparrow (last edited Jul 08, 2012 10:02PM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

Sparrow s.penkevich wrote: "Ha, wasn't there a news story last fall about some couple calling the police because they couldn't [it] get out?"

hahaha. LGM. Probably. Those things are really tough! I have a terrible sense of direction, too. You have to go with people you like because you're stuck in there for hours. Awesome hours.


message 39: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Now you will have to go with people you trust to not throw you to the zombies.

Good to hear you have the eyes on the prize. Because we are going to be millionaires! Then we can build our own zombie theme parks.


Sparrow Zombie theme parks for teh children!

It's a noble dream.


message 41: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Like I said, it's always been about the wellbeing of teh children.

I have a dream that one day children will not be judged by their color, but by their undeadness! Or something like that.


Sparrow With that kind of attitude, I think the show will actually be glad to give you royalties for your ideas. How could they not appreciate a fellow believer in baby zombies?


message 43: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Haha exactly! They can write it off as charity.
Then we can shout Zombies arewere people too.


Sparrow I think that will work better on billboards.


message 45: by s.penkevich (last edited Jul 08, 2012 10:17PM) (new)

s.penkevich I like where your head is at.

(Right on top of your neck, unlike some of those zombies)

Bad jokes aside, I once tried to use my tax returns to get a billboard of myself holding up a beer in a 'cheers!' type of pose with a caption saying 'hi dad' on his way to work. Turns out, those things are expensive. Expensive enough to thwart terrible drunken ideas at least.


Sparrow hahahaha. That is an amazing idea! When you become a bazillionaire from Republipants, you should totally do that.


message 47: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich I thought so! It's better than most of my drunken ideas thwarted by lack of funds (ie. tattoo of myself chugging a bottle or whisky and firing into a crowd of zombies which are surrounding me - my buddy drew it, it was AMAZING)

You get royalties too. Legal aid. and co-creator.
Republipants. I'm going to find someone who is good at things to photoshop this idea onto a picture of Mitt Romney tomorrow.


Sparrow OH MY GOD. MUST HAPPEN.

I am so excited to see it! Man, and I haven't been sleeping well lately. One more sleepless night - this time from anticipation of seeing Mitt Romney in Republipants. Talk about Christmas.


message 49: by s.penkevich (new)

s.penkevich Haha, it really must! Sleepless nights planning out awesome zombie lawsuit takeovers? Or extramarital zombie affairs? Ha, lo siento, had to.

Mitt Romney - 'I wear Republipants every time I shoot up hordes of Zombies, or Unions.'


message 50: by Sparrow (last edited Jul 08, 2012 10:34PM) (new) - rated it 3 stars

Sparrow Can his republipants be made out of hundred dollar bills and puppy skins?

No, extramarital zombie affairs are what kept me up last night. Catch up. There has been a lot of giggling when there should be sleeping and studying at my house. It keeps me young.


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