Nenia Campbell's Reviews > Wallbanger

Wallbanger by Alice Clayton
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did not like it
bookshelves: 2018-romance-reading-challenge, romance, too-sexy-for-the-bus


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💙 I read this for the Unapologetic Romance Readers' New Years 2018 Reading Challenge, for the category of: Contemporary Romance. For more info on this challenge, click here. 💙  



WALLBANGER by Alice Clayton is aptly named, because when I finished this book, I wanted to throw it at the wall, it was so bad.



I wanted to read this book because I love romance novels and people were saying that it was the funniest romance novel they had ever read. When I picked it up, I envisioned BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY for the twentieth century woman.



Instead, I got... something lame.



Caroline lives in a San Francisco apartment that is much too nice for her to afford based on the job that she has (interior designer). Her next-door neighbor has great sex every night... with another woman - and Caroline is annoyed because they bang against the wall they share, and it reminds her that she can't get any.



Not only that, but she comes up with mean nicknames for each of the girls he sleeps with. "Giggler" for the girl who laughs during sex. "Purina" for the girl who meows during sex (??). And "Spanks" for the girl who enjoys rough stuff in bed. She charmingly calls these girls his "harem."



One day, she confronts him in a pink nightgown and for some reason they find each other attractive. The next 300 pages is a hot-mess of stupid cat-puns, as related to female genitals, Caroline exclaiming "Mother of Pearl!", bad jokes, poorly characterized individuals running around and acting like idiots, and some of the worst sex scenes I've ever read.



Considering that his sex life pre-Caroline is like a traveling circus act, his sex life post-Caroline is surprisingly vanilla and banal. Is this perhaps anti-marriage propaganda, paid for by a corporation that has a vested interest in keeping the world promiscuous? (I SEE YOU, TROJAN CONDOMS). Don't have marriage, or you will lose your exciting and numerous meowing, spanking, giggling sex partners and be whined at and nagged and humiliated while having boring sex!  I can see no other rational explanation for how something so consciously terrible gained so much steam (especially considering the lack of steam).



Also, extra negative points for using the line: "I am not like most women" (66) and meaning it.



Terrible sex scenes:



The idea that a kiss, just a kiss, had turned me into this giant lusting bag of CarolineNeedThat was undeniable, and I knew that if he continued to make me feel this way I was going to invite him straight into my Tahoe. Great idea.



"Come into my Tahoe, Simon," I mumbled incoherently into his mouth (203).



She's so pretty. I mean, there's pretty and then there's pretty... What a pussy I am. Fuck pretty - she's beautiful ... pussy ... And she smells good ... pussy ... why do some girls just smell better? Some girls smell like flowery, fruity bullshit. I mean, why would some girls want to smell like a mango? Why should a girl smell like a mango? Maybe if I think the word MANGO enough I won't think about pussy anymore. Caroline ... mango ... Caroline ... pussy ... God! And now I'm hard ... (217).



My shirt bunched up around my waist, and the feeling of his hi-there against my hoohah was indescribable (267).



Oh, and you know how Ana from FIFTY SHADES OF GREY has an inner goddess and a subconscious? Not to be outdone, Alice Clayton gifted Caroline with O, the personification of her missing orgasm. O, who has a personality and who Caroline talks to the way she does her cat.



I could see the edge, high above the raging waters. As I peeked over the edge, I saw her. O. She waved at me, diving under and over the water like a sexual porpoise. Crafty little bitch (333).



Spoiler: Caroline's not swimming.



I can't say I'm surprised that I didn't enjoy this book, though. I knew it was going to be rough sailing when the heroine shames the hero in front of all their friends for NOT taking advantage of her while she's drunk. Because how dare he not find her attractive enough to ignore her lack of consent!



1 star
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Reading Progress

August 14, 2016 –
page 63
16.41% "I can definitely see this being a guilty pleasure read."
March 31, 2018 – Started Reading
March 31, 2018 – Shelved
March 31, 2018 – Shelved as: 2018-romance-reading-challenge
March 31, 2018 – Shelved as: romance
March 31, 2018 – Shelved as: too-sexy-for-the-bus
March 31, 2018 –
page 152
39.58% "This book and all of the characters inside of it are stupid and I want to throw it down a well.

"
March 31, 2018 –
page 208
54.17% "The sex scenes in this book make me think of this meme:



Why? Because I think ranch is gross. And the sex scenes in this book have me feeling that same knee-jerk nausea that I see when someone upends ranch over their provisions in the name of "deliciousness.""
April 2, 2018 –
page 212
55.21% "The heroine just threw a HUGE temper tantrum...because the hero didn't take advantage of her while she was drunk! ...BECAUSE IT MEANT HE DIDN'T FIND HER ATTRACTIVE! So she chastises him about it in front of all their friends! HOW DARE HE NOT DRUNK-SEX HER!

...ha ha ha ha... NO.



Infinite 1 stars for this book"
April 7, 2018 –
page 384
100.0% "That was painful."
April 7, 2018 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-50 of 52 (52 new)


Beatrice ~ Confessions of a Pinay Bookaholic Lol 😂😂


Nenia Campbell Beatrice wrote: "Lol 😂😂"

Hee hee


message 3: by Audrey (new)

Audrey Excellent review!


Nenia Campbell Audrey wrote: "Excellent review!"

Thank you!! :D


message 5: by Alice (new)

Alice Cai lol I feel like reading it now for some reason


Nenia Campbell Alice wrote: "lol I feel like reading it now for some reason"

lol i hope you enjoy it!


Wild Irish I was underwhelmed by this book, too, after hearing how funny it was supposed to be. And I agree with all you wrote.


Nenia Campbell Wild Irish wrote: "I was underwhelmed by this book, too, after hearing how funny it was supposed to be. And I agree with all you wrote."

Thank you! :-)


message 9: by Carmen (new) - added it

Carmen Great review, so funny. Also, mangoes are often compared to vulvae IME. So... I don't know what the heck he is talking about. The act of eating a mango can actually be very scandalous and sexual and shocking, depending on how it's done and I remember a certain youtube video that was very... controversial on this topic. Don't ask me to find it. ANYWAY. Great review.


Wild Irish Lol! I just saw your memes for this-- couldn't see them previously. Lol, LOVE them! :D :D :D


message 11: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Carmen wrote: "Great review, so funny. Also, mangoes are often compared to vulvae IME. So... I don't know what the heck he is talking about. The act of eating a mango can actually be very scandalous and sexual an..."

I wasn't sure if he was saying that she smelled like mangoes "down there" or was just commenting on her general fragrance, but yeah, it was really weird.


message 12: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Wild Irish wrote: "Lol! I just saw your memes for this-- couldn't see them previously. Lol, LOVE them! :D :D :D"

LOL thanks! It was fun searching for some good ones. >:D


Sam (AMNReader) After rereading this review, I’m not sure I can stomach another read...but I’ll do it for the love of good romance and perhaps rating integrity.


message 14: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Sam (AMNReader) wrote: "After rereading this review, I’m not sure I can stomach another read...but I’ll do it for the love of good romance and perhaps rating integrity."

For romance science!


message 15: by Carmen (new) - added it

Carmen Nenia ✨ Queen of Literary Trash, Protector of Out-of-Print Gems, Khaleesi of Bodice Rippers, Mother of Smut, the Unrepentant, Breaker of Convention ✨ wrote: "Carmen wrote: "Great review, so funny. Also, mangoes are often compared to vulvae IME. So... I don't know what the heck he is talking about. The act of eating a mango can actually be very scandalou..."

It's the incorrect idea that somehow mangoes aren't sexy that's grating my cheese. Hero needs to educate himself. LOL ;) Gotta stand up for mangoes and mango sexiness! LOL LOL :D


Sam (AMNReader) *adding a romance science shelf*

Also, lol, Carmen. I agree, pretty sure mangoes are among the sexiest fleshy juicy fruits out there...


message 17: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Carmen wrote: "Nenia ✨ Queen of Literary Trash, Protector of Out-of-Print Gems, Khaleesi of Bodice Rippers, Mother of Smut, the Unrepentant, Breaker of Convention ✨ wrote: "Carmen wrote: "Great review, so funny. ..."

Raw oysters are mentioned as sexy... but I've eaten raw oysters and honesty, I'd rather have a mango. Or a pomegranate. Boom-chicka-wow.


message 18: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Sam (AMNReader) wrote: "*adding a romance science shelf*

Also, lol, Carmen. I agree, pretty sure mangoes are among the sexiest fleshy juicy fruits out there..."


YESSS, FOR SCIENCE!

I'm gonna go ahead and +3 that.


message 19: by Carmen (new) - added it

Carmen Sam (AMNReader) wrote: "*adding a romance science shelf*

Also, lol, Carmen. I agree, pretty sure mangoes are among the sexiest fleshy juicy fruits out there..."


LOL Thanks for the support, Sam!


message 20: by Audrey (new)

Audrey Did you see that Seinfeld episode? “I find pastrami to be the most sensual of the salted cured meats.” Mango wins in the fruit category?


message 21: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Audrey wrote: "Did you see that Seinfeld episode? “I find pastrami to be the most sensual of the salted cured meats.” Mango wins in the fruit category?"

LOL pastrami is pretty sensual... but I also like salami.

Mango def wins!


message 22: by Carmen (new) - added it

Carmen LOL


Trish Sacrilege! *points finger accusingly* You're reading it wrong!
...
*taps chin*
What else do rabid fans usually post in their trolling comments if they don't like someone's rating?
;D


message 24: by Carmen (new) - added it

Carmen Trish wrote: "Sacrilege! *points finger accusingly* You're reading it wrong!
...
*taps chin*
What else do rabid fans usually post in their trolling comments if they don't like someone's rating?
;D"


"You just don't have the mental capacity to understand the plot and the TRUE GREATNESS of the book!" - I get that one a lot. Usually my reading of romance novels is sited as proof.


Trish Carmen wrote: ""You just don't have the mental capacity to understand the plot and the TRUE GREATNESS of the book!""

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Right!

*points finger back at Nenia*
And THAT!
:D


message 26: by Mich (new) - rated it 2 stars

Mich Must Read Great review. Totally agree.


message 27: by Audrey (new)

Audrey As much as I make fun of romance, seriously, there shouldn’t be a stigma for liking ANY genre. If it gets you hooked on reading, I’m all for it, no matter what.


message 28: by Laura (new)

Laura Great review. Sounds horrid.


message 29: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Trish wrote: "Carmen wrote: ""You just don't have the mental capacity to understand the plot and the TRUE GREATNESS of the book!""

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Right!

*points finger back at Nenia*
And THAT!
:D"


Trish and Carmen tag-teaming me! Oh noes! I am done for!

<3

Also: "You're a patronizing bitch-donkey who gets off on hating things because you're secretly a big ol' thundercloud of misery inside!"


message 30: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Mich wrote: "Great review. Totally agree."

Thanks, Mich!


message 31: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Audrey wrote: "As much as I make fun of romance, seriously, there shouldn’t be a stigma for liking ANY genre. If it gets you hooked on reading, I’m all for it, no matter what."

Agree! People tend to come down hard on romance novel readers and that is lame!


message 32: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Laura wrote: "Great review. Sounds horrid."

LOL it definitely won't be topping any of my favorites lists, but it has a devoted following!


Trish Bwahahahahaha. Nenia, you don't seem to need us, you're quite good at trolling yourself. *lol* Now I feel unemployed. ;P


message 34: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Trish wrote: "Bwahahahahaha. Nenia, you don't seem to need us, you're quite good at trolling yourself. *lol* Now I feel unemployed. ;P"

;-D


Aileene Oh boy, I can see it didn’t impress you at all. We should unite!


message 36: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Aileene wrote: "Oh boy, I can see it didn’t impress you at all. We should unite!"

Haha indeed!


message 37: by Meggie (new) - added it

Meggie I think you’d like captivated by Tessa bailey and eve dangerfield. I’m reading it now and it is legit, laugh out loud funny. I haven’t gotten to the sex yet but I’ve loved both authors’ books in the past, so I’m fairly confident :-)


message 38: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Meggie wrote: "I think you’d like captivated by Tessa bailey and eve dangerfield. I’m reading it now and it is legit, laugh out loud funny. I haven’t gotten to the sex yet but I’ve loved both authors’ books in th..."

Ooh the heroine is an aspiring comedian? That's cool!

I have added it to my wishlist. :D


preoccupiedbybooks This book sounds horrifyingly bad! A Tahoe?! A hoo ha? Wtf?!! Great review, it made me laugh, and this book goes in the never to be read pile (which, lets be honest, it had been in anyway, ever since I first saw it)😂🙄🤦🏻‍♀️


message 40: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell preoccupiedbybooks wrote: "This book sounds horrifyingly bad! A Tahoe?! A hoo ha? Wtf?!! Great review, it made me laugh, and this book goes in the never to be read pile (which, lets be honest, it had been in anyway, ever sin..."

Yeah, Tahoe was a new one for me too lmao

I didn't intend to read this but then I saw it at a thrift store for super cheap and succumbed to the hype. Always a mistake, that!


preoccupiedbybooks Yeah we’ve all been there! Sometimes the hype is real, but sometimes it’s like are people reading the same book as me?!


message 42: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Hahaha that's too true!


message 43: by Monique (last edited Jun 17, 2018 04:12PM) (new) - added it

Monique This review...LOL
I've read two of Clayton's books - 'Nuts' and 'Cream of the Crop'. I liked 'Nuts' but I didn't care for 'Cream', due to its very annoying female lead. I don't think I'll be reading anymore of her books.


message 44: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Monique wrote: "This review...LOL
I've read two of Clayton's books - 'Nuts' and 'Cream of the Crop'. I liked 'Nuts' but I didn't care for 'Cream', due to its very annoying female lead. I don't think I'll be readin..."


I'm glad to hear NUTS was good. Someone told me that I might enjoy that one even if I wanted to toss this puppy out the window.


message 45: by Monique (new) - added it

Monique With that, her Kindle books costs too damn much for what you're gettin', in my opinion.


message 46: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Monique wrote: "With that, her Kindle books costs too damn much for what you're gettin', in my opinion."

Ugh, seriously - my watchlist is a mile long because there are way too many Kindle books that are priced too high for my budget.


message 47: by Monique (new) - added it

Monique For me, it's not so much budget as it is the nerve of some writers demanding higher fees for what I see as shit, basically.
One of my favorites was one guy asking for $2.00 for a 20-page short story. Well, his stuff was actually funny and entertaining, but still. Really???


message 48: by Nenia (new) - rated it 1 star

Nenia Campbell Monique wrote: "For me, it's not so much budget as it is the nerve of some writers demanding higher fees for what I see as shit, basically.
One of my favorites was one guy asking for $2.00 for a 20-page short sto..."


Yeah, I don't really like paying more than $2.99 or $3.99 for an ebook.


HeartlessFaeKing &#x1f52e; What the hell...?


message 50: by Xiana (new) - rated it 1 star

Xiana Walker Thank you it was so cringy and annoying. I really do hate books that try to force comedy.


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