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Madeline's Reviews > Romeo and Juliet
Romeo and Juliet
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Romeo and Juliet, abridged.
ROMEO: I’m Romeo, and I used to be emo and annoying but now I’m so totally in luuuuurve and it’s AWESOME.
MERCUTIO: Okay, three things: One, there’s only room in this play for one awesome character and it’s me, bitch. Two, you’re still emo and annoying. Three, didn’t you say that exact same stuff yesterday about Rosaline?
ROMEO: Who?
*meanwhile, Juliet prances around her room and draws hearts on things and scribbles “Mrs. Juliet Montague” in her diary over and over. Because she is THIRTEEN. How old is Romeo supposed to be? Let’s not talk about that, k?*
CAPULET: Good news, Juliet! I found you a husband!
PARIS: Hello, I’m a complete tool.
JULIET: Daddy, I don’t want to marry that apparently decent and unflawed guy! I’m in love with Romeo Montague – we met yesterday and it was HOT.
CAPULET: I WILL BE DAMNED IF I SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER MARRIED TO THE ONLY SON OF THE MAN WHO IS MY MORTAL ENEMY FOR REASONS TOO UNIMPORTANT TO SPECIFY IN THIS PLAY!
JULIET: *stamps foot, runs off to her room to watch High School Musical again and sulk*
TYBALT: Hey Romeo, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
MONTAGUE POSSE: Oh, snap.
MERCUTIO: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
TYBALT: MAKE ME!
ROMEO: No! You can’t fight him, Mercutiobecause I already married his cousin!
TYBALT: I KEEL YOU!
*Romeo attempts to stop the fight and fails miserably*
MERCUTIO: FUCK YOU ALL! *dies*
ROMEO: Okay, forget what I said about not fighting. I KEEL YOU!
TYBALT: *dies*
PRINCE: I’ve had enough of your shit, Emo McStabbypants. You’re banished.
ROMEO: Waaaaaahhhhhh! I’m banished and Juliet is going to marry another guy and it’s not fair WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?
FRIAR LAURENCE: Jesus Christ, not this again. Okay, if you promise to grow a pair, I’ll help you and your wife out. Here’s the plan: she takes a potion that’ll make her go into a coma, and then she’ll get put in the family tomb and then you’ll sneak back into town, break into the tomb, wait until she wakes up, and then the two of you escape and live happily ever after! It’s perfect!
AUDIENCE: …the hell?
*Shockingly, the plan fails. Romeo goes back to the tomb (pausing to kill Paris just for good measure), but he thinks Juliet’s dead and drinks poison and dies, and then like two seconds later she wakes up and sees that Romeo isn’t mostly dead like she was, he’s dead, so she stabs herself.*
MONTAGUE: Wow, we are awful parents.
CAPULET: I have an idea – let’s make solid gold statues of our dead children to commemorate their love and serve as a constant reminder of the fact that our only children killed themselves because we were such uncaring parents.
*they actually do this.*
SHAKESPEARE: Beat that, Stephenie Meyer.
THE END.
Read for: 9th grade English
BONUS: courtesy of The Second City Network. Every Shakespeare heroine needs a sassy gay friend
ROMEO: I’m Romeo, and I used to be emo and annoying but now I’m so totally in luuuuurve and it’s AWESOME.
MERCUTIO: Okay, three things: One, there’s only room in this play for one awesome character and it’s me, bitch. Two, you’re still emo and annoying. Three, didn’t you say that exact same stuff yesterday about Rosaline?
ROMEO: Who?
*meanwhile, Juliet prances around her room and draws hearts on things and scribbles “Mrs. Juliet Montague” in her diary over and over. Because she is THIRTEEN. How old is Romeo supposed to be? Let’s not talk about that, k?*
CAPULET: Good news, Juliet! I found you a husband!
PARIS: Hello, I’m a complete tool.
JULIET: Daddy, I don’t want to marry that apparently decent and unflawed guy! I’m in love with Romeo Montague – we met yesterday and it was HOT.
CAPULET: I WILL BE DAMNED IF I SEE MY ONLY DAUGHTER MARRIED TO THE ONLY SON OF THE MAN WHO IS MY MORTAL ENEMY FOR REASONS TOO UNIMPORTANT TO SPECIFY IN THIS PLAY!
JULIET: *stamps foot, runs off to her room to watch High School Musical again and sulk*
TYBALT: Hey Romeo, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
MONTAGUE POSSE: Oh, snap.
MERCUTIO: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
TYBALT: MAKE ME!
ROMEO: No! You can’t fight him, Mercutio
TYBALT: I KEEL YOU!
*Romeo attempts to stop the fight and fails miserably*
MERCUTIO: FUCK YOU ALL! *dies*
ROMEO: Okay, forget what I said about not fighting. I KEEL YOU!
TYBALT: *dies*
PRINCE: I’ve had enough of your shit, Emo McStabbypants. You’re banished.
ROMEO: Waaaaaahhhhhh! I’m banished and Juliet is going to marry another guy and it’s not fair WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?
FRIAR LAURENCE: Jesus Christ, not this again. Okay, if you promise to grow a pair, I’ll help you and your wife out. Here’s the plan: she takes a potion that’ll make her go into a coma, and then she’ll get put in the family tomb and then you’ll sneak back into town, break into the tomb, wait until she wakes up, and then the two of you escape and live happily ever after! It’s perfect!
AUDIENCE: …the hell?
*Shockingly, the plan fails. Romeo goes back to the tomb (pausing to kill Paris just for good measure), but he thinks Juliet’s dead and drinks poison and dies, and then like two seconds later she wakes up and sees that Romeo isn’t mostly dead like she was, he’s dead, so she stabs herself.*
MONTAGUE: Wow, we are awful parents.
CAPULET: I have an idea – let’s make solid gold statues of our dead children to commemorate their love and serve as a constant reminder of the fact that our only children killed themselves because we were such uncaring parents.
*they actually do this.*
SHAKESPEARE: Beat that, Stephenie Meyer.
THE END.
Read for: 9th grade English
BONUS: courtesy of The Second City Network. Every Shakespeare heroine needs a sassy gay friend
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Reading Progress
Started Reading
January 1, 2003
–
Finished Reading
May 18, 2008
– Shelved
December 10, 2008
– Shelved as:
shakespeare
March 24, 2009
– Shelved as:
assigned-reading
Comments Showing 1-50 of 536 (536 new)
message 1:
by
Sarah
(new)
-
rated it 5 stars
Dec 26, 2008 10:44PM
I don't agree with you (I love this play), but damn, that was funny.
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Maybe your best yet in this series :) Have you contacted the Reduced Shakespeare Company to see if they're hiring?
It was okay up until the point where Mercution says "FUCK YOU ALL" *dies*...After that, I couldn't stop rolling and laughing my ass off. I especially loved the whole "WHY DOES GOD HATE ME?" and Friar Laurence telling Emo-boy to grow a pair. Emo McStabbyPants was also funny as shit.
Maddy, where oh where do you come up with this funny-ass shit?
And for the record, I'm not too fond of this play either, which is even doubly annoying as I have to (most likely) teach it in my classes, as opposed to something with real bite like Macbeth (btw, have you done an abridged review of that gem yet?).
Thank you again!
While I was out shopping, it occurred to me to wonder if you've already picked out a title for when you publish your collected abridged Shakespeare. May I suggest "NanoBard"?
Sarah: I like this play a lot too (love love love Mercutio and Friar Laurence, and Juliet has her awesome moments too), but you must admit, it's just begging to be parodied. Manny: if the Reduced Shakespeare Company ever saw these reviews and decided to hire me, I could officially die happy. And no, I wasn't considering publishing these. Until you mentioned it to me.
Paul: I'm able to come up with this funny-ass shit because I obsessively read parodies of all kinds of stuff (www.the-editing-room.com is like my bible) and mostly just regurgitate the stuff I read on those. Plus, the most important thing I've learned while writing parodies: profanities is funny.
Madeleine, you can't love it too much or you would have given it more than 2 stars! The thing about Shakespeare, in my opinion, is that it must be performed (and performed well) to be truly appreciated. I've played both Juliet and Romeo (in a gender-reversed version in high school) and I just love it. Also, I think by 2008, the star-crossed lover thing has been done to death (no pun intended) but never quite so well as "this of Juliet and her Romeo."
Hee, this is _awesome_! Are there more (other than this and Caesar)?
I did an abridged Othello and Hamlet - they're both on my Shakespeare shelf. I intend to do more in the future as soon as I have time.
Madeline wrote: "I did an abridged Othello and Hamlet - they're both on my Shakespeare shelf. I intend to do more in the future as soon as I have time."Oh, fantastic! I'll look for the other 2, and look forward to more!
There was less "I KEEL YOU!" in this series than I normally like, other than that, as entertaining as ever. :)
Thank you, THANK YOU for putting my feelings about this least fave Shakespeare play of mine into words! Love the language of the play, think the situation is abso-freaking-lutely ridiculous. It's true that if you see a particularly good performance of this play, then the storyline is a bit more palatable, however once Mercutio becomes a grave man, it's all over for me! Very clever review - thanks again!
OMG that was so funny XDEspecially the end "Beat that, Stephenie Meyer"
Beat that Stephenie Meyer? Stephenie Meyer wasn't even born at the time Shakespeare created this! I don't think you saw what the message behind Romeo and Juliet was about.This was pretty hilarious though. xD
Wait, Stephenie Meyer wasn't alive in the 16th century? Gracious me, what a very silly and uncharacteristic factual error on my part! I don't think you saw what the message behind this parody was about.
Haha! That was amazing, and mostly matching my own feelings about this play. I do love it, but it is extremely ridiculous - and yes, "begging to be parodied". I'll definitely go read the others you've made.
That was soooo funny! xD My roommate and I kinda did this when were had to read Hamlet, but this was wayyy better.
Just that you made fun of this, woooow. What a hard message to understand.
*gasp* My god, your powers of deduction are amazing! But why do you waste your gifts on this humble website? Go, go! For the good of the city!
I thought that was funny as hell! :)
There is one acronym to describe this awesome piece of writing: LMAO.And one word to describe what you should do with it: Publish!!!!
Now, off to read your versions of Hamlet and Othello :)
I've also done The Taming of the Shrew, Julius Caesar, and The Tempest. *shameless self-advertising*
That was the funniest review I've read on this site. It always irritates me when people regard Romeo and Juliet as an epic tragedy about star-crossed lovers who are doomed to die. I posted a review of this myself and gave it four stars, but only because I read it as a dark comedy of errors/morality play. I mean, the characters are all stupid and irrational, and that's why they die. If I were to rate it as a straight tragedy that's meant to bring tears to my eyes I would've probably given it two stars.
omg that was hilarious! I loved that you added the stephanie meyer comment in there! Good for you.
Romeo and Juliet is amazing! Of course, the point of the family rivalry is that nobody has any idea what the feud is about, including the Families involved, because it's just been going on for so long everybody has forgotten - R+J is really about the futility and harm caused by such ridiculous behaviour - as relevant now as it was then.Picking up on Tj1380's point about the characters being stupid and irrational - that only makes them realistic.
Awesome! I hope this didn't ruin the book for me when I have to read it next year...
I'm amazed no one has commented on how genius the "your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" part! Does no one appreciate Monty Python anymore? Sad.
I'm amazed no one has commented on how genius the "your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" part! Does no one appreciate Monty Python anymore? Sad.
this made my day. monty python reference? check.
intense sarcasm? check.
appropriate questioning of what the fuck shakespeare was smoking when he wrote this play? check.
I liked this play, but this review cracked me the hell up! Hilarious!
*applause*
This is the most accurate depiction of this play I have ever read. I only wish I could print this out and turn it in as an essay to my teacher. He really needs to read it.
Well, you could definitely print the review out and show it to him - just make sure to credit me and say where you got the review, etc. Cite your sources or your sources will come after you with infinite wrath.
lol! @ beat that Stephanie Meyer!
Oh wow. That was funny as hell. I'm actually reading R&J in English again and it's actually quite funny because my teacher clearly dislikes the book. Every now and then he will make up his own commentries about how ridiculous some of the points areor make fun of the characters, similar to this. Anyway, loved this. Still cracking up :)
Emo McStabbypants made me laugh out loud in the middle of the library. Thanks for it. :)
Okay I absolutely love Romeo and Juliet, but that was absolutely hilarious. I give you two thumbs up for your version. I would definitely read it...lol
agree 2 it was funny but i =) like it
I totally agree with you!!! This play sucked! Your version was just about like reading the book but shorter and a million times better.
Whoa whoa whoa, hold the phone. No one's saying this play sucks - at least, I'm not. I actually think it's pretty good, but it's also kind of silly. To write a good parody you have to first respect the original material. I respect Romeo and Juliet as a piece of excellent and successful theatre, and am happy to admit that most aspects of it are absolutely nuts.
THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING REVIEW ON GOODREADS! hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah!
Ok, I am crying from laughing so hard!!! Haha "mantague posse: oh snap!"
Oh, God. I am glad I did not read this in public. I took the play as a comedy to begin with, but this was too much.
I love Romeo and Juliet it was m first proper dramatic romance. But you are amazing, you made me die (almost0 of laughter and I am a die hard Shakepeare fan and you cracked me up. Your wiritng is unique and the energy that flows within your words is FANTASTIC. Thank you and please keep writing. Lol reviewers should be more like you, more people would read...even if they only read the review ;D
Wow! Madeline's got 212 votes for this review!
Totally disagree with your rating and review, but I gotta give you props, that was hilarious.
that was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i swear i was like laughing trough the whole thing!!!! u R very talented
wow....its like you like read my mind!!!!!!:O
