Geraldine O'Hagan's Reviews > All Together Dead

All Together Dead by Charlaine Harris
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did not like it

** spoiler alert ** Yet another of the thrilling adventures of prize bitch Sookie Stackhouse. She is certainly on form. There are half a dozen pointless descriptions of the characters’ outfits and a horrendously awful sex scene in the first 30 pages alone. Sookie continues to bitch about every other woman’s sex life and fashion sense, despite the fact that in both cases her own are questionable at best. Meanwhile what plot there is slowly stutters into life. Sookie travels to Rhodes with various ‘supes’, giving her the opportunity to use an aeroplane toilet for the first time and tell us for what seems like the twelfth time exactly how to pronounce Mr. Cataliades. I have no idea why Harris’ has such a bee in her bonnet about this.
Some characters we don’t know die off screen. Nothing happens for a long time. There’s a brief incident with a bomb, which comes to nothing. Then Sookie gets to try on a pretty dress, a situation which fills her with excitement and is described, along with all her accessories and underwear, at great length. After some talking, the dress is briefly endangered by the bleeding of her boyfriend when he is seriously injured, but luckily it survives without stains. We are then treated to another example of how incredibly sexually provocative vampires find Sookie’s dancing, followed by a bit of sulking from Sookie’s jealous boyfriend due to someone else touching his woman. Finally the plot creeps to a peak with the bombs that have been hanging around for most of the book finally exploding. None of the important characters are killed, but as a by-product of the events Sookie gets to hail a cab for the first time, which is pretty thrilling for her. She also strips a sleeping man naked without his permission and gets into bed with him whilst similarly unclad, but this passes without comment. Until the following morning, when it belatedly occurs to her that it was a bit of a weird thing to do.

Most Laughable Statement
“Sookie is good at thinking outside the box.”

This being the same Sookie who is sickened by the sight of a woman without a tan, and considers having satin sheets or more than one piercing per ear a sign of depravity and social dysfunction.

Worst Named New Characters
Elmer Claire Vaudry – A female, apparently.
Johan Glassport
Olive Trout
Cindy Lou Suskin
None of which rate a mention from Sookie. She does however find it impossible even during a serious trial not to laugh at a female vampire being called Jodi. Granted not the greatest spelling, but since Sookie is able to regularly serve drinks to someone called Jeff LeBeff without giggling I wouldn’t have thought it would cause her too much trouble to keep a straight face.

Least Appealing Opening to a Sex Scene
“But in the next moment, his eyes got that focused look men get when they’re thinking about sex very specifically.”

Phrases that Should Not be Used During a Sex Scene
“He tugged my top out of my pants and began exploring territory he’d only visited briefly before”


“little bitty panties”

“Oh, boy”

“This is like standing in front of a buffet,” he said. “I don’t know where to begin.”
I touched my breasts. “First course,” I suggested. "

"“I dreamed of this,” he said, and shoved inside me up to the hilt”

A usual, Harris indulges in yet more unrealistic and embarrassing sex scenes featuring yet another massively well-endowed man who can barely control himself at the sight of a woman in bra.

Phrases that Should Not be Used After a Sex Scene
“I was pleasantly aware of the tenderness I felt south of my belly button”

“His lips were so warm and firm, they reminded me of something else that had been warm and firm.”

“Even through the condom, I’d been able to feel the heat.”

More of Sookie’s Judgemental Bitchery Towards Other Women
“I’d always figured Jason wouldn’t marry a woman I truly adored; he’d always shown a partiality to tough sluts. And that was Crystal, sure enough.”

“Carla was getting dressed (thank God) in what I thought of as “classy whore.””

Least Interesting Question to Ask a Vampire
Sookie finally gets around to asking Pam how she became a vampire and Pam reveals that she was turned in the Victorian era. Sookie, given this unprecedented opportunity to ask any question about human or vampire life and experiences in the last century and a half, goes with the following:
“Did you wear your hair up every day?”

Apparently, yes, Pam did wear her hair up every day. Sookie’s curiosity about Pam and the entirety of history from the Victorian era onward thus satisfied, the conversation ends.

Most Random Self-Assessment
“I wasn’t too pleased with myself for being so judgmental”

Really Sookie? It’s certainly not been summat that bothered you before. Nor, apparently, will you have any further qualms about judging everyone you meet. So, a reformed character for roughly 12 seconds.

Stupidest New Supernatural Beings
Britlingen. Super-bodyguards from another dimension, apparently. Despite these credentials, Sookie’s description of one of them runs to her having ”feathery ash-brown hair that needed a good stylist”. What makes her think they have stylists in this unnamed alternative dimension I’m not sure, but obviously having a good hair-do would be of paramount importance to an enslaved warrior from another world.

Most Blindly Patriotic Outlook
“In a moment, I understood that I hadn’t even thought about worrying because I’d grown up a free United States human citizen; I wasn’t used to worrying about my fate being in question”

Because of course in the Good Ol’ USA there is no social injustice and the legal system is swift and flawless.

Least Likely Choice of Artist for a Vampire Band to Cover
Jennifer Lopez

Worst Synonym for Dancing
“pretty soon we were shaking our bonbons all over the place”

Most Inappropriate Response to Your Friend Having Been in a Massive Anti-Vampire Terrorist Explosion
“Oh, my God! Your new clothes!”

What plot there is being over, and all the usual lines and events trotted out yet again, the book finally concludes with the most hokey ending possible, short of “they lived happily ever after”:

“We went inside with the sun bright on our backs and our shadows preceding us into the old house.”

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Reading Progress

October 17, 2011 – Started Reading
October 17, 2011 – Shelved
October 19, 2011 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-2 of 2 (2 new)

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message 1: by Meg (new) - rated it 2 stars

Meg Sarnowski I'm a little late to the game on this one, but I just finished this book and this review is hitting the spot! Lol. Oh Sookie!

Geraldine O'Hagan Not so late to the game. The horror of Sookie never dies :-)

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