Emma Sea's Reviews > No More Mr. Nice Guy

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover
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Apart from not using "Nice Guy" in the title (ugh), I wish someone had said to Glover, "You know the part where you compare a man's relationship with his wife to him teaching a dog not to piss on the floor? Yeah . . . don't do that. No, seriously. Don't do that."

God, I wish I was exaggerating:

"For example, if a person gives his dog a treat when he pisses on the carpet, the dog will keep pissing on the carpet. The same is true for humans. If the Nice Guy reinforces his partner's undesirable behaviors, she will keep behaving in undesirable ways."

Also, calling a chapter, "Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want." Um, don't do that either. Especially when your advice about sex is actually often awesome:

"Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy. It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways." (loc. 2369)

All the way through this book contains some great advice for humans learning to deal with other humans in intimate relationships, as well as careers, parenting, negotiating relationships with parents, and life in general:

1 If it frightens you, do it.
2 Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
3 Put yourself first.
4 No matter what happens, you will handle it.
5 Whatever you do, do it 100%.
6 If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
7 You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
8 Ask for what you want.
9 If what you are doing isn't working, try something different.
10 Be clear and direct.
11 Learn to say "no."
12 Don't make excuses.
13 If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
14 Let people help you.
15 Be honest with yourself.
16 Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
17 Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change.
18 Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever.
19 Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
20 Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.
21 Accept the consequences of your actions.
22 Be good to yourself.
23 Think "abundance."
24 Face difficult situations and conflict head on.
25 Don't do anything in secret.
26 Do it now.
27 Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
28 Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong.
29 Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
30 Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.

There is nothing in that advice that applies only to humans gendered as male. Neither is there when Glover points out it's important to have strong friendships outside of a relationship. No-one can be everything for a person.

It's the whole framing of masculinity that fails with this book. This isn't unique to Glover, it's true of our culture as a whole. Here's Glover's definition of masculinity (loc 1524):

"I define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species . . . Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers him provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity."

Seriously? What the hell is left for a definition of femininity? The part of a woman that equips her to give in and give up, fracture social groups to be more easily consumed by predators, to consume and destroy, that empowers her to steal food from her babies' mouths, and use them as handy portable shark decoys in case of danger?

There's not one quality in Glover's list that isn't a definition of any self-actualized human, regardless of chromosomes. We'd all get along a lot better if our culture stopped enforcing a gender binary that says, "Men are all of these things," rather than, "Good people are all of these."

Glover also includes stuff that had my stomach turning. Like how important it was for the sick 12-year-old girl to get lots of male attention from "her guys." This gave me flashbacks to A Child's Life: Other Stories when the stepfather says what's really important to a prepubescent girl is her relationship to men (cue sexual abuse).

Or the way Glover always talks about the "availability" of women for sex, or how a teenage boy's ambition is "securing a girlfriend and someday having sex..." As if women are a sex accessory, and not human beings with their own desires.

This seems really inconsistent with the sound content in some of the sections.

So, yeah, I have no idea how to rate it. My reaction varies wildly from a 1 for the way Glover seems to regard women, to a 5 for advice about drawing boundaries and being true to oneself. I'm going with a 3, comprised of 2 stars for OK overall, +1 star for my favorite line of the book: "This story is consistent with Alan's lifelong avoidance of vaginas." (loc 2132).
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Reading Progress

October 22, 2016 – Started Reading
October 23, 2016 – Shelved
October 23, 2016 –
October 24, 2016 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-12 of 12 (12 new)

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message 1: by Warwick (new)

Warwick This sounds horrible! Three stars?!

Emma Sea *wails* I knoooooooow. I'm so conflicted. So much was a 1, but then I got some good points about how I give in to my fears and self-sabotage. I don't know how to rate it!

message 3: by Sofia (new)

Sofia Guessing that Glover is still trapped in the 'how to be a real man' hype

Emma Sea Sofia wrote: "Guessing that Glover is still trapped in the 'how to be a real man' hype"

oh, he uses that exact line!

"Recovering Nice Guys can show their daughters what a real man looks like."

message 5: by Sofia (new)

Sofia I'm sure the daughters will remain suitably agog

message 6: by Fabi (new)

Fabi Was this published a couple of centuries ago? Ugh!

message 7: by Zac (new) - rated it 5 stars

Zac Sound like another triggered feminist.

Danielle Morrill The vaginas line cracked me up, and your review is spot on!

Nick Pilote I just finished reading Simone De Beauvoir's The Second Sex when I came into this book. I was on an emotional roller-coaster from disgust with the pro men are victims and underlying tones if incel to the amazing insights to which I was nodding along and saying this is me.

message 10: by Nick (new) - rated it 3 stars

Nick Pilote I just finished reading Simone De Beauvoir's The Second Sex when I came into this book. I was on an emotional roller-coaster from disgust with the pro men are victims and underlying tones if incel to the amazing insights to which I was nodding along and saying this is me.

message 11: by [deleted user] (new)

This book is only to be read by red-pilled men, not women with cute narwhals on their profile picture

message 12: by Shhhhh (new)

Shhhhh Ahhhhh Specifically dehumanizing women through analogy? Really terrible.

Pointing out that humans are animals and respond to classic conditioning just like every other animal? 100% accurate.

If he had done it regarding relationships with other men, I'm not confident you would have reacted in quite the same way. To some extent that's right.

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