notgettingenough 's Reviews > Britain's Best Hotels 2011

Britain's Best Hotels 2011 by A.A. Publishing
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Jun 01, 2011

bookshelves: haven-t-read-but

PS: The point of this 'review', if that is obscure, is to send up internet feedback which is often hilarious. The recipe site where this happens:

Recipe is bolognaise sauce and it looks pretty conventional to me. But somebody is livid with it. Gives it zero stars with a comment that goes like this: 'We are vegetarians, so I wanted to make this without meat...I know it's supposed to have it as well...but we don't like...' This review ends up 'Even the dog hated this one' and I'm like 'No shit.' I mean, there isn't one bit of the recipe you haven't mutilated and now you give the recipe this appalling review.

Or this on a review of a spaghetti sauce recipe most people were enthusiastic about:

"This was the worst thing I have ever made off this website. It was literally inedible."

The dude who wrote this gave it two stars out of five!!! TWO!!!!! I would so love to find out what is worse than 'literally inedible.' The mind is boggling bigtime.

Ditto hotels. The rest of this review is about a hotel in Hendon which really does get rave reviews at Trip Advisor. But nonetheless, there is always a prat isn't there? EG these two which were back to back:

"Dreadful night's sleep, we were told there'd be a hen party. Would not go back."

"Had my hen's night there, we all stayed over, fantastic hotel...."


And, the most utterly brilliant comment of all:

"The room is small but to be expected since we had tons of luggage"

I would seriously love to meet the person who wrote that. And downgraded his assessment of the room accordingly!!!

This prompted me to write as follows a la Trip Advisor style, I hoped:

I spent hours and hours on tripadvisor yesterday, mesmerised by the rave reviews of a hotel at Hendon. I'm staying with a very wonderful friend in Camden as I do this and this is a tribute to my stay with her.


I'm not saying unconditionally don't stay at a b&b on Malden Rd, Camden, but don't go to the one I went to. It's rubbish. IMO.

For example.

It had goat's milk yoghurt but only full milk and skimmed. I've got a weird thing and I have to have semi-skimmed. Otherwise I go all funny and start thinking odd things like Mel Gibson's latest film might be good,which obviously can't be true because you read all this stuff about him and he doesn't sound very nice and so his films can't be any good, can they? Even the ones we used to think were good before we found out he wasn't nice.

So I say to the lady, 'But I can't eat the ones you've got' and she says 'Well, do you think you could make do with the semi-skimmed yak yoghurt specially flown in from -' and I say 'Well, really, I don't think so' point is, I expected better. She didn't exactly go out of her way to sort this problem for me.

So, my first point is that this is not an issue you have at Hendon. They don't have goat or yak yoghurt and so I didn't have to have this rather unpleasant experience again.

Then there was the bread. This b&b on Malden Rd goes on all the time about its freshly baked in the morning and delivered to your room with a pot of tea bread, like it's special or something. Which is fine. But IMO, if they are making it themselves, couldn't they make it how you want it and when you say you prefer sunflower seeds in your bread and when the next morning they give you bread with the wrong sunflower seeds in it and you tell them that and even go out of your way to explain where they can get the right ones, you'd think they'd be grateful for that, wouldn't you? I mean. Guests do have a lot to teach hotel management. IMO.

Anyway, this also is not a problem in Hendon where you get a simple choice between white and brown, like at home.

Then when the maid came in and started vacuuming, it was obvious that her machine wasn't working properly. She really didn't care and in the end I had to show her what was wrong. It had gunky stuff from the previous guests that stopped the sucker working. Getting it out was totally ugghhhh. If you ask me, the maid wasn't that grateful.

This also is not a problem at Hendon, it's a newer establishment and the vacuum clearner still works. Also they don't do it while you are in the room. Unlike Malden Rd.

Another thing. This b&b had a special Middle Eastern lamb lunch party which was free and I met some nice people and there was wine and so on, but the rice didn't have enough salt and when I told this to the owner aka chef, she said she didn't like a lot of salt. Well, I wasn't saying a lot of salt, just more than she'd put and anyway, even if I'd asked for a lot, isn't the customer always right? I mean, who was the one paying? She should be grateful for my thoughts, but I shouldn't have to listen to hers. IMO.

Anyway, this is not a problem either at Hendon because they don't have free special Middle Eastern lamb tastings.

Also, this is another thing. At the Malden Rd place, I'd forgotten my nightie and so the owner gave me one of hers to wear and she asked me later if it was okay and I said it didn't fit and she acted like I was complaining? Which I wasn't. IMO, it was obvious that it wouldn't have fitted (it was too big for me, just in case you are wondering if I am larger than she is, which I am not), so she shouldn't have even offered, but she did and then she shouldn't have minded an honest answer. She should get some nighties for people who are a different size from her. IMO.

You will not be surprised to hear, this also is not a problem at Hendon. They don't offer to supply spare nighties, but if they did, they would have cared more if they fitted. It is that sort of place. IMO.

So, my advice is to see if you can get a room at Hendon first and only if you are desperate, enquire if there is something available at Malden Road. But at least, unlike me, you know how to make your stay at Malden Road better, since the staff isn't going to bother. Bring your own nightie and sunflower seeds and semi-skimmed milk yoghurt for example. Do not rely on getting those sorts of things at Malden Road. You have been warned. IMO.

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