Edward Lorn's Reviews > Hex

Hex by Thomas Olde Heuvelt
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Recommended for: People who get off on someone pissing in their ears for fourteen horrors

According to my Audible app, I've listened to 127 audiobooks. You might say, I dig audiobooks. I listen to at least one a week. Which makes me feel that I can say, with the utmost honesty and accuracy, that Hex, written by Thomas Olde Heuvelt and narrated by Jeff Harding, is the worst audiobook I've ever had the displeasure of listening to.

The story isn't half bad. Just the opposite. It's half good. The plot and pacing and horror is really effective once you get past the halfway mark. But that narration... Holy shit on a piss-soaked cracker, Fatman, that narration is horrible.

The book itself starts out by lulling the reader into a false sense of security and joviality. Goofy shit goes down and everyone's having a good time. Then the author steers us into more serious territory and the dread builds. The tension mounts. And then everything explodes in the final chapters. Seriously, the end of this book is nuts. If for no other reason, you should read Hex for the ending.

Which makes Jeff Hardy's shitty narration all the more unforgivable. I don't know who approved the final product, but they need a swift kick in the genitals. What the fuck were they thinking? Some of the characters actually sound like 1950's cartoon villains. Take for instance Grizelda (sorry, not sure on the spelling because I don't have the text version). She sounded like a witch from one of those old Halloween spooky sounds cassettes we used to listen to as kids. You know the kind. The fucking tape was orange with black writing on it. You'd shove it in your dual-deck boom box and press play and sit in the dark to the tune of wind blowing and wolves howling and coffins creaking and witches cackling. 'Member? Yeah, you 'member. That was what Grizelda sounded like in this book. And Grizelda isn't even the fucking witch! The witch's name is Katherine (again, not sure on the spelling).

I dug the theme of the entire book. But telling you why is a spoiler, so I'll see you in the Spoiler Discussion.

In summation: I wish I had read this one instead of listening to it. I probably would have given it four stars. Instead, I'm putting it firmly behind three stars. One day, when the price of the Kindle edition drops below what amounts to a month's rent, I might reread it. But, for now, all I can review is the audiobook. And the audiobook is hot garbage dipped in dirty kitty litter.

Final Judgment: I've heard better produced EVP recordings on Ghost Hunters International.

Spoiler Discussion:(view spoiler)
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Reading Progress

July 22, 2016 – Started Reading
July 22, 2016 – Shelved
July 22, 2016 – Shelved as: to-read
July 22, 2016 –
1.0% "No way in hell this book is as good at its synopsis, but I'll give it a try anyway :)"
July 24, 2016 –
10.0% "The fuck am I reading? Is this a parody? Did I miss in the description where it said this book is one big joke? Because, so far, it's like a novelization of a Scary Movie film, and not one of the good ones with the Wayans Bros. Bumbling ghosts and goofy teens. Hyuck, hyuck!"
July 25, 2016 –
30.0% "Getting better, but the voices this narrator is using are terrible. I mean, fucking horrible. The goofiest possible narration. These aren't characters. They are caricatures."
July 25, 2016 –
45.0% "Took an incredible amount of time for this to get good. The shitty narration isn't helping matters, either. But I'm finally enjoying myself. We'll see how long it lasts."
July 26, 2016 –
55.0% "Okay, that dog section was scary as shit. Dread is one of a horror author's most effective tools, and that chapter was damn near dripping with it."
July 27, 2016 –
85.0% "I really wish the narration was better. Some really great scenes are completely ruined by this guy's need to make everyone sound like cartoon villains from the fifties."
July 28, 2016 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-13 of 13 (13 new)

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message 1: by Irene (new)

Irene I really wanted to like that one, but I could not even stand to finish it.


Edward Lorn Irene wrote: "I really wanted to like that one, but I could not even stand to finish it."
It's getting better VERY slowly. It's no longer a bad parody of a horror novel. He's starting to take things seriously, it looks like.


message 3: by Irene (new)

Irene I think I gave up on it very early, at around 10%. Maybe I'll give it another chance some day.


Edward Lorn Irene wrote: "I think I gave up on it very early, at around 10%. Maybe I'll give it another chance some day."

Please believe I wasn't trying to talk you into jumping back in. If I hadn't paid full price for it I likely would have DNF'd it by now lol


message 5: by Irene (new)

Irene Edward wrote: "Irene wrote: "I think I gave up on it very early, at around 10%. Maybe I'll give it another chance some day."

Please believe I wasn't trying to talk you into jumping back in. If I hadn't paid full..."

LOL I already have it in my kindle anyway. I used to force myself to power through to the end of every book I started, no matter how much I hated it. But I am older now and have less patience. Especially considering how many books I want to read. I bought another of yours a month ago that I'm dying to read but haven't had time to start!


Edward Lorn Thanks for the smile this morning. :)


message 7: by Irene (new)

Irene glad to hear I made you smile. :)


message 8: by Seluca (new)

Seluca I've noticed that Harding tends to read books set in America but written by a British or European writer. I'm not sure if that's the case here, regardless he's an awful narrator. I had to give up listening to the Charlie Parker series because the audiobooks are incredibly bad.


Edward Lorn Selu wrote: "I've noticed that Harding tends to read books set in America but written by a British or European writer. I'm not sure if that's the case here, regardless he's an awful narrator. I had to give up l..."

I can't believe this guy is getting so many gigs. He needs to stop lol.


message 10: by Bark (new) - added it

Bark Well, that sounds absolutely delightful ;)


Patty Schorsch Definitely not the worst audiobook I have listened to and I have been an audible member with 2 accounts for 15+ years and about 2k books in my library. I didn't even think once that I didn't like the narrator so it is a matter of taste. (Note: I listened to this one on TuneIn Radio. $7.99 a month and all audiobooks free. 80% of books I find here now and rest I buy on audible. TuneIn is one of the last surviving services like this and I wish I had found it sooner than a year ago. My 2k library would be a lot smaller. But I do like supporting authors and TuneIn is closer to going to a library.)


Edward Lorn No shit it's a matter of taste, Patty. What isn't a matter of taste? Boggles my mind every time I get a comment like yours. As if your 15+ years of whoopity-doo experience means anything regarding my experience with this particular book. It's all subjective.

What exactly were you hoping to accomplish here? Did you expect to brag about your Audible library and promote this other service and maybe I'd swoon and change my mind and rate this book THE BESTEST AUDIO EXPERIENCE OF ALL TIME! OMGWTFBBQ!!!

lol get outta here, lady, ya bother me.


Taylor (taymwoods) Yes I thought the same thing about Grizelda's narration! UGH PUKE! But yes someone like James Wan needs to make this a film I'm dying to know how they'd interpret her!


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