Edward Lorn's Reviews > Jerusalem

Jerusalem by Alan Moore
Rate this book
Clear rating

by
8850418
's review
Jul 13, 2016

it was ok

Once upon a time, there was an old magician. We’ll call him Not Quite Gandalf. Not Quite Gandalf quite enjoyed scatological metaphors and similes, and what kids in his day called Funny Books. Not Quite Gandalf, not quite comfortable in his own skin, decided one day that his legacy should not be Funny Books. So he decided to collect all of his unused ideas into one fuck-all-big tome and call it Jerusalem.

(Man, I see an Internet Rage Machine out there right now. Their face is beet red and there’s smoke blasting from their ears. They’re looking for the comment box, but Goodreads is telling them that they cannot comment because they are not friends with the fat fuck who just called graphic novels “Funny Books”. I’m kidding, Internet Rage Machine, calm your man-boobs.)


The point of the opening paragraph is to illustrate Alan Moore’s mindset. (See what I did there? Illustrate? Because he writes Funny Books? I’m clever. That’s called wordplay. I’ll throw in a shitty metaphor later, see if you catch it. It’ll be fun. Like one of those spot-the-difference games.) With the publication of Jerusalem, we see the actions of a wizard in the later stages of life, desperately begging to be taken seriously. “I wrote a massive fucking book, me. I’m a proper bloke now.”

Internet Rage Machine: “Your parody of the Queen’s English is offensive!”

Me: “Oh, sugar, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

The main issue I have with this kitten-squisher of a novel is that it’s not a novel. It was marketed as a novel. The goddamn cover calls it a novel. Even Not Quite Gandalf calls this motherfucker a novel. But it is not only a novel. A terrific three-hundred-page novel resides inside this clusterfuck, though. If Not Quite Gandalf had accepted the services of an editor (wonderful people, editors), we might have received a better all around experience. What we do receive is a novel bookended by two loosely (and, gotdammet, I mean LOOSELY) connected short story collections.

Imagine you have a bowl of salt. Dash a bit of black pepper into your bowl of salt. You still with me? Coolio. Now focus on the bits of pepper. There’s probably a hundred or so miniscule flakes of black pepper on the surface. What I need you to do now is to pick up the bowl of salt and give it a shake. Right. Good. Now dig through all that salt and FIND MY MOTHERFUCKING PEPPER, ASSHOLE!

When you read the synopsis for this panda-ass of a novel, you’ll see that someone thought it’d be cute to say it’s a book about EVERYTHING. Well, they’re not being cute. And therein lies the problem, ya dig?

Every chapter, except one written in verse and another that’s just shorter than all the rest for no real apparent reason, is 30-65 pages of brick after brick of text. If Not Quite Gandalf had edited these chapters down to the pertinent details of the world he was creating, I wouldn’t have anything to bitch about. But you’re going to read about EVERYTHING. Not Quite Gandalf seems to think that EVERYTHING is interesting. But it’s not. There’s a reason why most humans suffer from Cognitive Blindness. Cognitive Blindness is what makes Hidden Object Games so appealing to us highly evolved apes; our brains are programmed not to give a fuck about EVERYTHING, so we only focus on what we deem important. Not Quite Gandalf does not seem to have that problem. He thinks you give a fuck about EVERYTHING. I, sadly, do not. I do give a fuck about a cohesive storyline, which is in here… somewhere. Because this book does make sense. There is a good story in here. You just have to dig through the salt to find the goddamn pepper.

The lackadaisical editing and perpetual pontification present in this fecally-minded, masturbatory miasma of intellect and madness creates a colostomy bag of calories that goes straight to one’s ass cheeks like a White Russian with wee-colored margarine in, to smooth and soothe your tender palate, as the author’s warm, room-temperature load slides down your gullet and you retch and pass a burnt umber and ochre coal of waste into your knickers, in which resides a ratty resident known as Tom the Diamond, a shit-encrusted man-troll hellbent on fathoming the words this fat fuck wrote on the internet in a weaseling attempt to corrupt the good name of an overhyped author struggling to be taken seriously outside of the world of Funny Books.

Did you have fun reading that last passage? Good. Read this fucking book, ya muppet. Because that is what you’re going to get. Page after page of rambling as Not Quite Gandalf force-fucks his thesaurus into a family way. Ten years of anal coitus with a Word Find is the only possible meaning behind this bloated and belligerent belly-laugh of a book. See, Not Quite Gandalf, you’re not the only one who can write like that. Doesn’t make you any more or less special. Any literate cocksucker can string together nouns and verbs into a Yorkshire pudding of madfuck meanderings.

This book is an accomplishment in the same way that watching a man bash his beanbag in a drawer repeatedly for ten years would be an accomplishment.

“He didn’t give out after the first slam? Ya don’t fuckin’ say! He’s still going? Fuck off! Wait… he really is STILL going??? I gotta see this!!!”

And that’s why I finished this book. I know how fucking crazy Not Quite Gandalf is. I expected page after page of nuttiness, but I thought this would be entertaining moreso than not. Being inside the mind of a man off his meds should’ve been a blast from beginning to end. But Not Quite Gandalf has some whole crackers left in the sleeve, and these injections of sanity are not fun to read at all.

I know more about British history than I ever needed to know. I know about how you folks across the pond went from the barter system to gold to coins and paper money. I know a bit of Sierra Leone history. I know the ins and outs of Northampton because Not Quite Gandalf describes it in every fucking chapter. Think you know your way around? Took the tour, didja? Well, too shitting bad, ya dense pudding, you’re coming along for the next 34 tours, because fuck you, that’s why.

Jerusalem is not completely terrible. I loved quite a bit about the second book. Imagine Neil Gaiman’s NEVERWHERE and King’s IT mashed together. Sound like fun? For the most part, it is. The Nene Hag was amazingly well-concieved, as were any of the snooker scenes. Unfortunately, once you’re done with Book Two, you still have Book Three to contend with, and there’s not a motherfucking ounce of those last 400 pages that I enjoyed. Why? Well, this next bit is a spoiler, and no, I’m not hiding it with a spoiler tag because… well, you’ll just have to fucking see, won’t you.

The last chapter of the book is a rendering in words of the cover. That’s right. Not Quite Gandalf spends fifty of the last sixty-page chapter going over the cover art of the book. The last ten pages are cool, but they left me with a sore feeling in my asshole, as if I’d just been to prison—a virginal sense of “That’s it? That’s what all the fuss was about?

In summation: Not Quite Gandalf, I hope you’re remembered how you want to be remembered. Me? I’m gonna remember you for this.

Final Judgment: Thank fuck this was a gift from the publisher.

Author’s Note: By request, this review, without this final postscript, from opening line to the final judgement, is, according to my version of Word 2013, 1,280 words long. You’re welcome.


144 likes · flag

Sign into Goodreads to see if any of your friends have read Jerusalem.
Sign In »

Reading Progress

July 13, 2016 – Shelved
July 13, 2016 – Shelved as: to-read
September 12, 2016 – Started Reading
September 12, 2016 –
page 1
0.08% "This might take me years, but, fuck it, I'm doing it."
September 12, 2016 –
page 20
1.56% "I'm only on page 3. There's a dick-load of front matter in this book. Mostly Moore's publisher flogging themselves for their master. Then...\n\nA five-year-old girl thinks of a man in a hooded robe as "ruggedly handsome"."
September 12, 2016 –
page 29
2.27% "All the reviews I've read of this book either a) steal information verbatim from articles that can be found online and/or b) quote lines from the first ten pages of this book. Wonder why that is?\n\nI will say that I am enjoying myself. I don't believe for a second that Alma is five years old, but that could be Moore's intent. Stay tuned..."
September 12, 2016 –
page 57
4.45% "Here's a glimpse of what the writing is like:\n\n"Listening to her spooling out impractical and transcendental picture-concepts like a hyperventilating tickertape he felt the weight lift from him, floating in a sweet and putrid lager fart to dissipate beneath the starry, vast obsidian pudding bowl of closing time, inverted and set down upon the Buroughs as though keeping flies away.""
September 13, 2016 –
page 57
4.45% "Spoilers.\n\nTo summarize the prologue: We're introduced to Alma and her brother Michael/Mike/Mick (yes, all three names are used) and the central "plot" is revealed. While choking on a sweet as a child, Michael saw that reality isn't all that it seems. Now his sister Amy is going to paint these things he saw. In Moore's words, she's going to "do the fuck out of them.""
September 13, 2016 –
page 76
5.94% "Book One, Chapter One, "A Host of Angles" (not a typo for "Angels") requires the reader to be familiar with geometry and the hues of such paints as burnt ochres and neutral umbers, or perhaps just fluent in Google searching. These colors are used to describe a significant happening, so to properly envision this "deity", I had to stop reading and google these colors. Spoiler alert, they're the same fucking color."
September 13, 2016 –
page 80
6.25% "Today's quote: "It was remarked upon that both the human body with its alimentary canal and humble chimney with its central bore were variations on its basic form, and that a person might be seen as an inverted smokestack, shoveling fuel into its top end with brown clouds of solid smoke erupting from the other to disperse in either earth or sea, in anything save sky.""
September 14, 2016 –
page 80
6.25% "Spoilers: \n"A Host of Angles" (again, not a typo for "Angels") follows Ern/Ernest/Ginger (yes, Moore uses all three names for this guy, which is a huge pet peeve of mine, but whatever) as he is tasked with spot correcting the ceiling of St. Paul's Cathedral. Some kind of being possesses the artwork he's supposed to be repairing and drives Ern mad. Ern writes TORUS on his platform, even though he's a known illiterate."
September 14, 2016 –
page 104
8.13% "Quote: "It was fucking typical. Something's that sexy, yeah? Some woman, or like a statue, with its tits and that, there's always going to be some cunt, some bloke who wants to smash it up. Anything lovely, like Princess Diana or Samantha. Fucking kill it. Fucking knock its head off. That was just the way things were, and it had always been like that. Some fucking people, they'd got no respect for fucking anything.""
September 14, 2016 –
page 104
8.13% "Spoilers:\n\n"ASBOs of Desire" is about Marla the drug addict/whore who ruminates on her sexual experiences with her girlfriend, though she does not consider herself a lesbian. Not much happens in this chapter, but it is my favorite so far because Moore ditches the bloated prose for a more down-to-earth style. I hope there's more like this chapter to come."
September 15, 2016 –
page 104
8.13% "Shit, I almost forgot to mention the FROM HELL reference. So, yeah, there's a FROM HELL reference in chapter "ASBOs of Desire"."
September 15, 2016 –
page 117
9.14% "Holy shit, this chapter is confusing. Moore has this colorblind guy describing everything in vibrant colors. Is he colorblind or not? That's not the only problem. There's no dialog tags at all and all of Moore's character sound the same. I have no idea who's talking half the time. At least the narrative isn't as bloated as the first chapter after the prologue. This one is written like chapter 2 - nice and simple."
September 15, 2016 –
page 136
10.63% "I have a serious love/hate relationship going on with this book. Moore's writing is inconsistent (possibly because it's been said he wrote each chapter in a different author's style and not his own?) to the point of annoyance, but some of the descriptions and happenings in here are fucking outstanding. This last chapter had Master Builders (god-like dudes) playing snooker on a table the size of a house. Wicked stuff."
September 15, 2016 –
page 136
10.63% "Spoilers: \n\n"Rough Sleeping" is about Freddy Allen, a ghost cursed to relive a certain sexual experience each and every day. This chapter is the first to tie into a previous chapter, as Freddy sees Marla from the last chapter watching him fuck Patsy, which Marla described in her own chapter. The Master Builder snooker game was very cool, but the writing was all over the fucking place."
September 15, 2016 –
page 136
10.63% "Today's quote:\n\n "He chewed for a few moments, with his rubbery and doleful features working comically around the bitter mouthful, then spat out a hard black glassy eye big as an apple seed into the trough of the urinal."\n\nYummy."
September 16, 2016 –
page 163
12.73% "Today's quote:\n\n"In walking cautiously about its edge, Peter had but considered Hamtun as a shape or like a flat sketch mapped on parchment, where he now saw it was more like to a living thing that had its humours and its mortal juices, less a territory to be paced than like a stranger he had joined in conversation.""
September 16, 2016 –
page 163
12.73% "Spoilers:\n\n"X Marks the Spot" is about Peter the Monk in the year 810 who must bring a mysterious artifact to Hamptun (Northhampton? Probably), who then dies after delivering it. This book has a clear formula for every chapter. Roughly ten pages of descriptions of the surroundings, roughly ten pages of character history, and roughly ten pages of plot progression. Never thought I'd call this book formulaic, but it is."
September 19, 2016 –
page 189
14.77% "Spoilers:\n\n"Modern Times" is anything but a chapter set in modern times, aside from Oatsey's point of view. Our dear Oats and Barley runs into a lovely woman and her babe, whom I cannot help but think will have a bigger role in the story as a whole. \n\nI didn't much care for this chapter. I hope Moore uses all the info he just forced me to read later in the story."
September 20, 2016 –
page 189
14.77% "Today's quote Part One: "He stood there on his corner and admired the woman's bum, moving beneath her swinging skirt as she mounted the slope, with her imagined buttocks like two faces pressed together as their owners acted out a vigorous two-step." The description of this woman's bum will continue in the next status update, because it's took long for one post, due to Goodreads' character limit."
September 20, 2016 –
page 189
14.77% "Today's quote Part Two: "Or perhaps two wrestlers full of muscles in a crush, each one in turn gaining an inch on their opponent who immediately takes it back, deadlocked so that they merely seem to heave from side to side.""
September 20, 2016 –
page 209
16.33% "This chapter is a fucking chore. It's written in such a way as to mimic an old-west vernacular, but Moore does a piss-poor job of it, like a child trying to recreate the dialogue from a John Wayne movie. It's inconsistent and hard to read. Took me an hour to read 20 pages and I still have 12 pages left in this chapter. :("
September 20, 2016 –
page 221
17.27% "A sample of the writing in the chapter "Blind, But Now I See": "Henry had heard tell of Nonconformist graveyards was elsewhere in England, where they also put they mass graves for the poor folk, them as was unable to afford a proper burying and tombstone."\n\nI mean, I understand it, but imagine 32 pages, brick after brick of text, written that way. I had to reread some paragraphs two and three times."
September 21, 2016 –
page 262
20.47% "I fear that I've reached the point in the book where stuff is going to stop making sense until the end. Over ten chapters so far and I haven't seen the same character over again. This is more a collection of interconnected short stories than it is a novel."
September 22, 2016 –
page 262
20.47% "The chapter "Atlantis" was forty pages. Forty loooooooooooong pages of very little. Forty loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong pages of information about a poet. Information I figure will be useful later. Much later. But was, in fact, boring as shit to read about."
September 22, 2016 –
page 262
20.47% "Yesterday's quote: "Benedict ran some hot water into the basin - he would grudgingly admit hot water could be seen as an improvement, too - then splashed himself all over before lathering up with his mom's Camay, utilising his abundant pubic hair as an impromptu soap-pad.""
September 22, 2016 –
page 284
22.19% "Spoilers:\n\n"Do As You Darn Well Please" is the first chapter that sees us back with the Vernall family, but instead of Ginger/Ernest/Ern, we're with Snowy/John Vernall shortly after Ern/Ernest/Ginger dies. This is where Thursa has her baby."
September 22, 2016 –
page 284
22.19% "Today's quote: "Snowy's wife seemed similarly puffed up and upon the brink of an explosion. Almost half the baby's head was out, a bluish rupture greased with blood emerging from the stretched lips of Louisa's privates, now impossibly distended to a painful circle, a pullover neck. A torus.""
September 23, 2016 –
page 318
24.84% ""The Breeze That Plucks Her Apron" was really kinda cool. I like this whole deathmonger thing. The chapter itself had some creepy undertones. It's also the first chapter to tie almost every preceding chapter together. It's also the first time I'm looking forward to the next chapter. The writing is still muddled as fuck, but the story has become interesting.\n\nLess than a 1,000 pages to go now. :)"
September 23, 2016 –
page 318
24.84% "Today's quote is one I actually like.\n\n"May glimpsed the coffin at the room's far end and knew immediately it was all junk. Upstairs was heaven with a different name, the same old story trotted out again to console the bereaved and shut them up."\n\nGive us your thoughts and prayers, then. Those'll be sure to fix things."
September 26, 2016 –
page 352
27.5% "Today's quote:\n\n"Tom wondered at the whirlpool of occurrences, of lives and deaths and memories that were at present being funneled into Doreen's each contraction, pressing out an imprint on their baby as it writhed towards light: the air raid nights, the dole queue days, the wireless programmes and the demolition sites.""
September 26, 2016 –
page 352
27.5% "In "Hark! The Glad Sound!" yet another baby is being born and more chapters are tied together. The opening paragraphs of this chapter are beautifully written, and then it all reverts back to Moore's rambling prose a silly analogies. I can see a great book in here just dying to get out, but the sight is blurry as I can only sense it through a smear of shit. If only Moore had allowed an editor to work on this."
September 27, 2016 –
page 383
29.92% "Thus starts Book Two. \nSpoilers:\n\nMick begins choking on the cough drop in this chapter. This is also the first chapter from Mick/Mike/Michael since the prologue. Nice to finally see a familiar face. \n\nI've already prove three of the GR reviewers for this book didn't actually read the book, but now I see that there might be a fourth and fifth who haven't also. There's only one legit review of this book, far as I see."
September 27, 2016 –
page 383
29.92% "Today's quote:\n\n"The string netting of the decomposing dishcloth hung by the back door, stiffened and dried into a permanently tented elbow shape, perfumed by dirty dish water and warm ham."\n\nFucking ew."
September 28, 2016 –
page 420
32.81% "Spoilers:\n\nIn the chapter "Upstairs" it is immediately clear that early reviewers who said there's a kid who chokes on a cough drop for 11 chapters are full of shit. Mike choking on the cough drop is the backdrop of the entire book, but at least thirteen of these chapters have to do with the things he sees while choking, but there is NOT 11 chapters of him choking on a cough drop."
September 28, 2016 –
page 420
32.81% "Today's quote:\n\n"A diffuse gold plume rose smokily through the engulfing negative-space gelatin, a cloudy and unraveling woolen strand of lemonade that trailed up to the gumdrop pane of the vat's surface quite near Michael's plaid-clad feet as he stood on the framing wood surround. It looked like clean bathwater somebody had done a wee in."\n\nBecause everything needs a bodily-fluid simile, right, Alan?"
September 29, 2016 –
page 461
36.02% "Spoilers:\n\nIn the chapter "An Asmodeus Flight" Mike flies around with the devil and gets a tour as well as an explanation of "Upstairs", which may or may not be hell. We also find out that Mike choking on the cough drop, being both dead and alive, has caused some issues in the fourth dimension."
September 29, 2016 –
page 461
36.02% "Today's quote: "The King of Wrath and Michael Warren glided down the length of Wednesday, with the sky beyond the curved glass canopy an overcast and nacreous grey, the lines and angles of its hyper-cumuli limned in a ghostly pink. The tartan package slapdash Sam O'Day was carrying appeared to be absorbed in the unfolding of the fiends autobiography and, grateful for the silence..." Full quote in comments."
September 30, 2016 –
page 502
39.22% "Spoilers:\n\nPast three chapters have been a tour of the afterlife. I hope this entire middle section isn't just that. In the chapter "Rabbits", we meet the Dead Dead Gang and they figure on why the devil wants Mike so badly."
October 3, 2016 –
page 536
41.88%
October 5, 2016 –
page 614
47.97%
October 5, 2016 –
page 614
47.97% "This has become a chore. I've hated the past five chapters. So fucking boring. Nothing even so-bad-it's-good. Just boredom. Which is sad because we've had fighting gods and flights over Mansoul (the afterlife) and all kinds of adventure-y stuff that is murdered by Moore's inability or refusal to edit his work. There's so much unneeded shit. Like the cap coming off the salt shaker while you're seasoning your eggs."
October 6, 2016 –
page 655
51.17% "HALFWAY MARK!"
October 7, 2016 –
page 695
54.3% "Getting better."
October 7, 2016 –
page 735
57.42% "Nene Hag = Creepy as fuck."
October 10, 2016 –
page 780
60.94% "I'm balls deep (what a visual, eh?) in the rewrites for Slasher: Live so I'm surprised I managed any of this book at all, much less an entire fifty page chapter. Now I'm behind on my buddy read with Janie C. :( Shame on me. But I consider this book work, so I couldn't skip it. I'll explain later.\n\nAnyway, the story is MUCH better. I'm invested and excited for the final section. One more chapter before Book Three."
October 11, 2016 –
page 821
64.14% "Oh fucking hell... Don't tell me that's the last of the Dead-Dead Gang. They were the only good part of the fucking book! FUCK!\n\nOh, well. Time for the county fair. See everyone later."
October 12, 2016 –
page 842
65.78% "In chapter "Clouds Unfold" Alan Moore does us the favor of reviewing his own book and calling it brilliant. He also goes on to say that you might not be smart enough to understand its brilliance, so he added some dumbed-down sections for you to understand, saying, no matter how dense you are, everything comes together to draw a tapestry that even the dullest minds can comprehend.\n\nClassy bloke, this motherfucker."
October 14, 2016 –
page 900
70.31% "Fuck everything about the last 100 pages. 380 pages left and the next chapter is written in phonetic cockney... Goddamn it."
October 15, 2016 –
page 1004
78.44% "Spoilers:\n\nI'm tired of reading this book. 276 pages left. At this point it's the history of paper money and how people came to trust coins and bills instead of the barter system. I feel like I'm taking a course in socioeconomics. So godfucked boring. We also have a detailed history of Sierra Leone for whatever reason. Waiting on that magical chapter that brings all this exposition together and makes it worth it."
October 16, 2016 –
page 1052
82.19% "Finally, after 400 pages, another good chapter! I'd love to see the play in the last chapter in real life. That was engaging. More of that, please.\n\nSee, that's the problem with this book. It's either ass or aces, and never the twain do meet."
October 17, 2016 –
page 1100
85.94% "Sigh..."
October 18, 2016 –
page 1127
88.05% "That chapter wasn't bad, but I feel as if, had I been British, I would have liked it so much more."
October 19, 2016 –
page 1128
88.13% "Editing done for the day. Crock pot dinner constructed. Music on. Let's see how far I can get today. I'd really like to start GONE WITH THE WIND before the weekend..."
October 19, 2016 –
page 1186
92.66% "Just now, JUST NOW, I'm getting an answer for something that happened in the FIRST FIFTY PAGES. And guess what? It's not fucking important. If you go back and delete that chapter at the beginning that this chapter toward the end had to explain, you miss nothing. Why? Because the idea Moore is trying to convey is explained better elsewhere in the book. But he needed a chapter in verse, so YOLO, BITCHES!"
October 19, 2016 –
page 1221
95.39% "Oh, fuck you."
October 19, 2016 –
page 1280
100.0% "That's it? THAT'S IT? \n\n commercial photography locations"
October 19, 2016 – Finished Reading

Comments (showing 1-50 of 51) (51 new)


message 1: by HFK (new)

HFK I had never even heard of this, I might be living under a rock.


message 2: by Edward (last edited Aug 13, 2016 07:38AM) (new) - rated it 2 stars

Edward Lorn HFK wrote: "I had never even heard of this, I might be living under a rock."

Not everyone can know about everything. But what you don't know, I'm sure the fanboys will tell you. :)


Shelby *trains flying monkeys* Bahahahaa!! Best ever update on a book!

I've never heard of it either. The fanboys are most annoying though for a book that you haven't even rated yet. Be skeered.


Edward Lorn Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Bahahahaa!! Best ever update on a book!

I've never heard of it either. The fanboys are most annoying though for a book that you haven't even rated yet. Be skeered."


And I haven't even criticized the author, only his dumbfuck press team. These fanboys can eat my pudgy ass. If I like it, I'll tell people why. If I hate it? If I hate all 1279 pages? You better believe I'm gonna give it the business. One thing I won't do is let these whiny kids sway me from disproving some rumors.


Shelby *trains flying monkeys* Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Bahahahaa!! Best ever update on a book!

I've never heard of it either. The fanboys are most annoying though for a book that you haven't even rated yet. Be s..."


It's unreal how rabid they are for this author. I'm not a fan of his other stuff so I can't see me liking this puppy squisher at all.
Give em hell E!


Edward Lorn Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Bahahahaa!! Best ever update on a book!

I've never heard of it either. The fanboys are most annoying though for a book that you haven't even ..."


Didn't you get some shit for not liking WATCHMEN?


Shelby *trains flying monkeys* Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Bahahahaa!! Best ever update on a book!

I've never heard of it either. The fanboys are most annoying t..."


I think so. I think I unfollowed my own review on that one. It sucked. Sucked so much.


Edward Lorn Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Bahahahaa!! Best ever update on a book!

I've never heard of it either. The fanboys are ..."


Tom Cruise forbid you didn't like something someone else liked. THE NERVE! xD


Shelby *trains flying monkeys* Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Edward wrote: "Shelby *trains flying monkeys* wrote: "Bahahahaa!! Best ever update on a book!

I've nev..."


LOL!!


message 10: by Ginger (new)

Ginger Wow. Good luck with this beast Ed! I will be cheering you on ;)


Edward Lorn Ginger wrote: "Wow. Good luck with this beast Ed! I will be cheering you on ;)"

Thanks, Ginger. I still want to read it, mainly because it looks like I'd be the only one who actually read it. All the reviews so far just regurgitate stuff found online, some of the five-star reviews stole whole sections of news articles. No one's talking about anything other than news stories at this point.


message 12: by Ginger (new)

Ginger I am going to be completely honest and say I am not even sure if I completely understand the summary. :(


Edward Lorn You're not supposed to because Alan Moore is smarter than all of us! Kidding, but that's the popular consensus of his fans. He's so brilliant only they can understand him. I have nothing against the guy. I love his work (his graphic novels anyway), but his fans are boneheaded, pretentious, sycophants. The comments I deleted on this review proved that much. One kid called me a "fat faggot" for believing news reports about this book. Like, what the fuck else am I supposed to go on?


message 14: by Ginger (new)

Ginger Makes me feel a little better at least ;)

It feels a little gimmicky to me (the simpleton that I am ;D ). But don't tell any of THEM that I said that!


Edward Lorn Ha! Too late, I'm sure they've seen your comment and are lighting their torches. But you're safe here. I've got my comments locked down.


message 16: by Thomas (new)

Thomas Strömquist Judging by the growing parts of this - being only a pre-review yet - you are going to deliver entertainment for some time to come :) Watching this space!


Edward Lorn Thomas wrote: "Judging by the growing parts of this - being only a pre-review yet - you are going to deliver entertainment for some time to come :) Watching this space!"

Check out my updates from today ;)


message 18: by Ginger (new)

Ginger Your updates are priceless.
Like the cliff notes version of the book. It feels like I am cheating on a literature assignment and I am loving it ;)


Edward Lorn Ginger wrote: "Your updates are priceless.
Like the cliff notes version of the book. It feels like I am cheating on a literature assignment and I am loving it ;)"


There's a load of updates coming. I've been slacking :P


message 21: by Michael (new) - added it

Michael Hicks Thanks for the review and updates along the way, Ed. I received an ARC of this, too, and I think it'll be sitting on my Kindle for quite some. Any interest I had in reading this is pretty well dead, and I think I owe you a bit of gratitude for that.


Edward Lorn Kelly (and the Book Boar) wrote: "

"


PRAISE TOM CRUISE!!!

True fact: I felt like Clark when I finished this review. #realtalk


Edward Lorn Michael wrote: "Thanks for the review and updates along the way, Ed. I received an ARC of this, too, and I think it'll be sitting on my Kindle for quite some. Any interest I had in reading this is pretty well dead..."

I took one for the team, that's for sure. Now to ice my ass.


message 24: by Michael (new) - added it

Michael Hicks Edward wrote: "Michael wrote: "Thanks for the review and updates along the way, Ed. I received an ARC of this, too, and I think it'll be sitting on my Kindle for quite some. Any interest I had in reading this is ..."

Stay frosty, bud.


message 25: by FanFiAddict (new) - added it

FanFiAddict Oh lawd, he done dun it again


Edward Lorn David wrote: "Oh lawd, he done dun it again"

Dun dood it, I did!


message 27: by Bandit (new)

Bandit EPIC


Edward Lorn Bandit wrote: "EPIC"

Thank you, Bandit. :)


message 29: by Tobin (new)

Tobin Elliott "The lackadaisical editing and perpetual pontification present in this fecally-minded, masturbatory miasma of intellect and madness creates a colostomy bag of calories that goes straight to one’s ass cheeks like a White Russian with wee-colored margarine in, to smooth and soothe your tender palate, as the author’s warm, room-temperature load slides down your gullet and you retch and pass a burnt umber and ochre coal of waste into your knickers, in which resides a ratty resident known as Tom the Diamond, a shit-encrusted man-troll hellbent on fathoming the words this fat fuck wrote on the internet in a weaseling attempt to corrupt the good name of an overhyped author struggling to be taken seriously outside of the world of Funny Books."

Contender for Sentence of the Year, 2016.


message 30: by The (new)

The Behrg I think I caught a metaphor in there ... somewhere ... :)


Edward Lorn Tobin wrote: ""The lackadaisical editing and perpetual pontification present in this fecally-minded, masturbatory miasma of intellect and madness creates a colostomy bag of calories that goes straight to one’s a..."

You might be surprised at how easy that sentence was to write after reading thousands of them like it in this book. This book is the literary equivalent of splatter art. Like he just threw a bunch of words at the page to see which ones worked when stuck together.


Edward Lorn The wrote: "I think I caught a metaphor in there ... somewhere ... :)"

You got your 1,280, dude. I want a cookie ;)


message 33: by Ginger (new)

Ginger Brings on a new definition for 'taking one for the team'.
Excellent review.
Sending cookies stat.


Edward Lorn Ginger wrote: "Brings on a new definition for 'taking one for the team'.
Excellent review.
Sending cookies stat."


I was going to mention how I don't know a single person, in real life or in my circle of numerous online friends and acquaintances, who would like this book, but I ran out of words (The Behrg requested I write a review with as many words as this book had pages). I honestly cannot think of a single person, and I know loads of people who like long meandering books. The problem is, the book has no focus point for 95% of it. It's everything I state in my review tied together by a bunch of artwork.


message 35: by Jason (new)

Jason Shucks. I just saw this, and it looks like I missed all the trolls. They serve as a good reminder that I'm not always as sick as I think I am. Or that there are others sicker than me. Or something like that. I get gratitude if I focus correctly; a "well, at least I'm not like that" kind of thing. People in defensive, invincibly-ignorant fanboy mode are nuts. It's amazing the hills people are willing to die on sometimes.


message 36: by Thomas (new)

Thomas Strömquist Thank you Edward for talking me out of this monster for a buddy read :-/ I do think that this may be your best review yet. Just imagine if you had hated it!


message 37: by Christy (new)

Christy H*ly f**k.........I wish I could have read the trolls.....sh*t ....it would have been hilarious to try to see them go up against this...lmfao


Edward Lorn Thomas wrote: "Thank you Edward for talking me out of this monster for a buddy read :-/ I do think that this may be your best review yet. Just imagine if you had hated it!"

You dodge a bullet, you lucky so and so. Also, I would've felt like shit had you paid for this fucking thing.


Edward Lorn Christy wrote: "H*ly f**k.........I wish I could have read the trolls.....sh*t ....it would have been hilarious to try to see them go up against this...lmfao"

If I had more time to reply to them, I'd open the comments. I probably will eventually, but for now, I'm too busy to let them run amok. You have to watch them and direct them like sheep. Call me a shepherd. It's a gift, really lol


message 40: by Christy (new)

Christy oh, I get a kick out of your badinage


message 41: by TL (last edited Oct 20, 2016 01:38PM) (new)

TL excellent review hun, here's a cookie:



Edward Lorn TL wrote: "excellent review hun, here's a cookies:
"


Oh, sweet baby Tom Cruise, that looks delicious. nomnomnomnomnom


message 43: by Alissa (new)

Alissa Patrick omg best review.

"You just have to dig through the salt to find the goddamn pepper. ". That's gold.


message 44: by Bill (new)

Bill This is now one of my favorite reviews. Ever.


Edward Lorn Alissa wrote: "omg best review.

"You just have to dig through the salt to find the goddamn pepper. ". That's gold."


Glad you liked it. :)

Bill wrote: "This is now one of my favorite reviews. Ever."

Thanks, Bill. This one was rough, brother.


message 46: by Erika (new)

Erika I've never heard of this book or author in my life. Huh.... After reading this review, I think I'm fine with that.


Edward Lorn Yeah, stay away. Not Quite Gandalf is definitely in love with his own voice.


message 48: by John (new)

John I feel like I can count on your bad reviews than most good reviews, so I think I'll skip this one. ;)


Edward Lorn I don't expect anyone but this dude's most diehard fans to enjoy this novel. It's a fucking mess, but not messy enough to be entertaining throughout, if that makes sense.


message 50: by Doris (new)

Doris Jean Is the author related to James Joyce? Thanks for your review.


« previous 1
back to top