Steph Sinclair's Reviews > Starcrossed

Starcrossed by Josephine Angelini
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** spoiler alert ** No, GoodReads.

NO.

How about NO FUCKING STARS?

Quick, someone get me chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate!

Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos

I should have known that when Lauren Kate blurbed this book I wouldn't like it. No, wait, that doesn't fully express my hatred for Starcrossed. How about this:

After reading this shit storm of a book I feel like I should go straight to my book shelf and give "Catastrophe": Hush, Hush,  "My Eyes, They Bleed!": House of Night, "Kill it with Fire!": Twilight, and even, yes,  "Are You Fuckin' Kidding Me?!": Carrier of the Mark all 5 glorious stars.

This is the worst book I have ever read.

Why, oh, why did I read it? I should have listened to the Fates (Kat, Paige, Phoebe). They warned me of this, but I didn't listen. I almost ALWAYS agree with them on books. Why did I think this would be a different story? I will never doubt your wisdom again, ladies.

This one time I let myself be influenced by another popular reviewer who claimed to absolutely love this book. I was conned! Fooled! Bamboozled! Hoodwinked!

The only logical answer is that Hades himself was behind the plot to fry my remaining brain cells. *rubs chin* Yes, that must be it. I've been trolled by the Lord of the Underworld himself.

HADES!!

ARE YOU HAPPY?!

ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY NOW?!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!



Y-y-you heartless bastard.

This review will not be nice. No one will be spared. Not even the children.

 *flips through her notebook*

Good thing I took plenty of notes then. Hahahaha!

The Writing

Dear, Gandhi! It was terrible! Immediately when I started to read, I felt my eye balls start rebuking me. "Noooooooooo, don't make us! You are evil! You are heartless! Why do you hate us! We've been good to you!" I'm not exaggerating when I say this was amateur at best and eye-bleeding bad at worse. The book is littered with ridiculously  simple sentences that remind me of a children's book. "See Helen Spot run? Helen Spot can run fast! Run, Helen Spot. Run!" Metaphors and similes exsit for a reason. Let's use them. But that's not event the worst of it. There were countless pages of info-dumping as well. SHOW DON'T TELL! And the dialogue...OMFG. It was painfully obvious that they were trying entirely too hard to sound like "hip" teens.
"What the holy hand grenade was that?"

It felt goofy as hell.

"Unbefrickinglievable," Hector cusses quietly into the silence.

I just wanted to shake them. Shake them all.

The Plot

The plot was a damn mess. Basic run down:

- Lucas and his Brady Bunch family move to the neighborhood.
- Helen and Lucas almost kill each other.
- They break curse/spell/whatever and fall in love over night.
- Oh noz! Helen is in danger.
- Helen suddenly becomes a sex kitten.
- Lucas denies her advances.
- Helen wonders if he is gay. Contemplates sex change.
"...she decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it."

- Demi-god training.
- Oh, but wait! Now, she is invincible!
- "Sex, please," says Helen. "No means no, Helen. It would destroy the world!" Lucas cries.
- Shit happens, people die.
- "OMG! So we won't destroy the world after all! I'm horny. Let's do it," Lucas declares. *rams tongue down throat* "Ew. We are first cousins! We can never be together! Fuck our fuckin' life!" she whines.

Fin.


Keep up Hades! 

Angelini tries to confuse the readers with her many plot twists, but all the plot really does is run around the mulberry bush chasing the weasel. There was nothing clever about it. I could tell that I was supposed to be like, "Whoa! My teeny little brain never saw that coming!" IT NEVER HAPPENED! 

Helen

Let's play Name That Sue! But first you're going to need a few clues about her personality:

- I'm super beautiful, but I don't notice it!
- I'm the "last" person in my family. Woe is me!
- I'm so powerful and useless, love me!
- I'm so selfless. Here, let me love you!
- My characterization has been used over and over in tons of books, but I have super speshul powers!  I'm kewler than them!
Answers: Black Hole Sue, God Mode Sue, Sympathetic Sue, Anti-Sue... my god. It's too many Sues to count! It's a Thirty Sue Pileup!

Helen is an idiot.



Most of the novel she's running around with twinkling stars in her eyes and clueless to everything that is happening around her. She is beautiful in every way. So much so, that it is normal for people to just sit and stare at her. Everybody loves her and the world kisses her ass every chance it gets. Her favorite hobbies include going grocery shopping, cooking for her dad, doing homework, and personal hygiene. Oh hey, Bella! I didn't see you there!

The moment Helen and Lucas stop attempting to end each other's life, they immediately start holding hands and declaring their love for one another. (Oh, insta-love! How I hate thee!) She's never had a boyfriend or been kissed until Lucas and his family move into town. There is just something about Lucas that brings out everything in Helen. And I do mean everything. Her entire life she has had all these powerful mystical powers, but she never knew about them because whenever she would use them unknowingly in front of mortals she would get a nasty bout of menstrual cramps! Little does Helen know that her cramps were a cursed placed on her by her very own mother. But it was totally for her protection. Of course. *eyeroll* If that isn't some bullshit, I don't know what is.

So anyway, with every new plot twist, Helen seems to get a new power. Which basically means she keeps getting more and more useless. All she does is say, "Oh, but I don't want to hurt anyone! Even if they are trying to kill me, I can't justify their deaths!" Are you kidding me? She has no sense of self-preservation.

"I knew if I started blocking him he'd just get angrier, and then I would eventually have no choice by to hit him so hard he wouldn't be able to hit me back."

She.is.a.demi-god.


Go on and let it out, Hades!

That was during a SELF-DEFENSE session. How is it that a character can be so powerful and do NOTHING with her powers? What is the point?!*breath in, breath out* Sorry, guys. The stupidity makes it hard to breath. Thankfully, one of the other characters noticed this madness and said:

"She'd better get it in her. Because I don't want any of the people I love to die defending her lazy ass."

That was the only good part of the entire book. >_>

Then I hit the next chapter and Cassandra has a sword aimed for Helen's head and she JUST STANDS THERE.

Cassandra swung her sword. In that millisecond Helen knew she'd had a good life, because she suddenly loved it so much that she could have wept with gratitude. She'd had amazing friends, the best dad in the world, and a strong, healthy body...
I thought she was going to finally die! I was like, "Yes! KILL HER NOW! Doooo iiiittttt!" And you know what happens? She levels up out of nowhere!


Why won't she roll over and die already?!

So now she's invincible and can't be killed by any weapons AND she's the most powerful demi-god. REALLY?! >Implied Facepalm<

Yet, believe it or not all those things I could have semi-forgiven and gave this book 1 star, maybe 2 for good effort. The biggest problem with this book: It's SEXIST. This book offended me on so many levels, it's not even funny. Let me count the ways:

Causal jokes about domestic abuse:

"I'll just tell him you abuse me," she said with a shrug. "And I'll tell him you like it," he teased back.
That shit is not amusing. AT ALL. Lots of women suffer from domestic abuse every day and Angelini pokes fun?! What messages are we sending our young girls? That this is romantic banter? This is why young girls think it is okay to tweet crazy shit like they would let Chris Brown hit them any time. This is why we are seeing people happy about him singing songs with Rihanna. We need to speak up against this. IT IS NOT OKAY!  OMG, I'm so angry right now, I'm seeing red. RAGE.

Use your powers in the kitchen!:
Everything about Ariadne was so feminine and round and lovely that Helen simply couldn't imagine anyone hitting her. "Do you guys do this to each other often? The fighting, I mean." Ariadne was shaking her head before Helen had even finished talking. "No. We spar together to stay in shape, but only the boys really fight, and only when they need to get something off their chests."

WHAT?!  The only reason why they fight is to stay in shape? THEY ARE DEMI-GODS!!!!!

Controlling boyfriend:
"Now go to sleep," he ordered.

Come again? He what?! Oh, hell no. Let a guy come home and start ordering me around. I've got two words for him:

Bitch, please.

He kissed her neck and said he was sorry over and over, but try as she might, he wouldn't let her face him. She began to feel like she was being used.

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

"Is Zach after you?" Lucas asked with wide eyes.
"Oh, not really. He wants to talk to me about something, I think," Helen said as if it wasn't important. She shut her mouth before she could say too much.
"Yeah, I'll bet," Lucas said with a sneer, his blue eyes turning nearly black as he sensed her untruth. Is there any reason for Zach to think that you might be single?"

At this point he never even asked her to be his girl friend! He goes throughout most of the book just holding her hand, but telling everyone else they don't really have a relationship. And then he pulls this line:
"Are you trying to make me jealous or are you just so frustrated that you're already looking for someone else? Someone who would give in to you?"

I just... can't.

Women should be held to high standards and oh, yeah, they're evil:
"A lady never cheapened herself by using foul language."

And:
"He had sworn to remove the feminine evil of the cestus from the world so that all men could control their lust.

Yup, thats right. It's totally a woman's fault a man can't control himself. I can't believe women have been fighting for RIGHTS just so we can write about this kind of stuff! Around 80% this book gets super ridiculous with making Helen and her mother out to be "semxy sex pots". Helen is so damn useless powerful and horny that she pretty much starts playing Lady GaGa's Love Game, trying to take off Lucas' clothes at every opportunity she gets.


Let's have some fun this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!

I suppose this is what she is supposed to look like:


I can see you staring there from across the block with a smile on your mouth and a hand on your HUH!

There are a ton of other problems with this book, but I've wasted enough of my life with Starcrossed. I probably have enough anger and quotes to write a damn book myself. I just... can't. I'm offended this was written. I offended that it was published. I offended people think this is okay.

This book FAILED at failing.



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Reading Progress

March 25, 2011 – Shelved
May 31, 2011 – Shelved as: greek-myths
February 25, 2012 – Started Reading
February 26, 2012 –
2.0% "I know I just started this, but it seems a little juvenile right now..."
February 26, 2012 –
5.0% "I'm not sure why it's important for me to know exactly how Helen likes her sandwich."
February 27, 2012 –
15.0% "Info-dumping: Because story-telling is over rated."
February 28, 2012 –
16.0% "She didn't deserve to be haunted like this. It wasn't fair. Helen, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Bella when she said that: Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
February 28, 2012 –
20.0% "Annnnddd...enter the slut shaming. Boys fighting over a girl and getting kicked off the football team? What a slut! Totally the girl's fault! *eyeroll*"
February 28, 2012 –
21.0% "Can someone explain to me why Claire's nickname has to have a nickname?! Overkill: Now you're just embarrassing yourself."
February 28, 2012 –
31.0% "Helen, please make your stupidity stop. It hurts my brain."
February 28, 2012 –
33.0% ""The first hour I was on this island I heard about the beautiful, perfect, heavenly Helen Hamilton. You know that's what the boys call you, right? Heaven Hamilton?" KILL.ME.NOW."
February 29, 2012 –
36.0% "What???? After trying to kill each other for days, now suddenly they are holding hands, and Kate is talking about their sex life?! Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
February 29, 2012 –
37.0% ""I'll just tell him you abuse me," she said with a shrug. "And I'll tell him you like it," he teased back. I.CAN'T. I.CAN'T.EVEN. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
February 29, 2012 –
51.0% "Where is The Dark Lord when you need him? Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
February 29, 2012 –
63.0% "A lady never cheapened herself by using foul language. Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
March 1, 2012 –
65.0% ""I hate seeing Hector on top of you. I'm jealous, Helen." I'm sure I could find a gif to show my frustration, but I'll let you use your imagination on this one."
March 1, 2012 –
78.0% ""At least now we know we can't be apart. It was like being dead." Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
March 2, 2012 –
90.0% "That plot twist is BULL SHIT! Photobucket Pictures, Images and Photos"
March 2, 2012 –
91.0% ""He had sworn to remove the feminine evil of the cestus from the world so that all men could control their lust A WOMAN WROTE THIS?! JHIIDFHBPDIGOIFBGIUGFBGHUFU!!! "
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: 2012-reads
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: ahhhhh-my-eyes
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: all-the-wrong-choices
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: bound-to-inflict-a-migraine
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: can-t-believe-i-finished
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: disappointment
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: fell-for-the-hype
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: forbidden-love
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: glad-it-s-over
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: hated-it-with-a-firey-passion
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: heroines-i-want-to-shake
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: i-blame-twilight
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: kill-me-now
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: le-sigh
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: made-me-angry
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: lots-of-fail-going-on-here
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: no-just-no
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: not-for-me
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: dat-cover-yo
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: ranty-review
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: rubbish
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: serve-me-up-insta-love
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: stop-it-already
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: where-s-my-chocolate
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: why-the-hype
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: why-why-why-did-i-read-it
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: young-adult
March 2, 2012 – Shelved as: youve-got-to-be-kidding-me
March 2, 2012 – Finished Reading
March 24, 2012 – Shelved as: no-stars-for-you
September 11, 2013 – Shelved as: ebook

Comments Showing 1-50 of 191 (191 new)


Steph Sinclair Jellyfishes wrote: "... Oh, THIS book.
I am so looking forward to the review."


Haha! Yeah, it has garnered passionate mixed reviews. Lol.


Nasty Lady MJ This could be very interesting. Just saying (evil smirk).


Steph Sinclair YAL Book Briefs wrote: "This could be very interesting. Just saying (evil smirk)."

Hehehe.


Krystle Bleh, this book. >_>.


Steph Sinclair Oh, boy! Now I can't wait to see what the fuss is about!


Nasty Lady MJ Think Twilight add Greek mythology with a Mortal Instruments twist and stir.


Steph Sinclair Ebony wrote: "And a generous helping of ridiculous"

YAL Book Briefs wrote: "Think Twilight add Greek mythology with a Mortal Instruments twist and stir."

That is quite the cocktail.


Ashley The books is pretty awful. Parts of it is good but insta-love is always a turn off unless it's done right.


Aleeeeeza i feel scared for you, frankly. this book. whoa. *shudders*


Nasty Lady MJ Who does Helen think she is Regina George, seriously, lol. The sad thing is there was a lot of hype for this one. I only read the first few pages, skimmed through the rest and read a lot of reviews that basically confirmed what I feared. Put the book around and run. Run, run away. Though I will give Helen the fact that she's marginally better than Zoey Redbird. Marginally.


message 11: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Ebony wrote: "This book just read like the crazy dream you'd have after watching Troy, reading Twilight and going on an acid trip."

LMAO! I love these comments! So much better than the book!


message 12: by Desiree (new) - added it

Desiree That bad huh? Damn, I had somewhat high hopes for this one.


message 13: by Cat (new)

Cat So I take it I should stay clear of this book?


message 14: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Cat wrote: "So I take it I should stay clear of this book?"

YES.


message 15: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Desiree wrote: "That bad huh? Damn, I had somewhat high hopes for this one."

It's that bad to the tenth power.


message 16: by Cat (new)

Cat Stephanie wrote: "Cat wrote: "So I take it I should stay clear of this book?"

YES."


Thanks for letting me know.


Maria C'mon, Stephanie, you're almost to the finish line! i wanna read your review sooo bad. :D


message 18: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Mary Elizabeth wrote: "HA love your tone ;) bad books are the worst ..."

The rest will probably be up tomorrow. I just... need a moment to regroup. Lol.


shady boots | #WatchPOSE *drowns you in chocolate*

Wow, really? The worst book you've ever read? O_O Damn. I'm avoiding this book like the plague.


message 20: by Steph (last edited Mar 02, 2012 10:48AM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair fαuzαn | wιld нearт wrote: "*drowns you in chocolate*

Wow, really? The worst book you've ever read? O_O Damn. I'm avoiding this book like the plague."


The writing was painful to read, the sexist attitude of the characters was horrible, the very obvious plot twists were overdone... Aweful. Truly, this is not enjoyable.


message 21: by rameau (new) - added it

rameau This should be interesting. Your pain is our gain. I humbly thank thee.


message 22: by Isra (new) - added it

Isra Starr Oh god...that sounds just downright terrifying... I think I'll make sure to stay clear of this book then. Worse than Twilight!?


Kat (Lost in Neverland) Can't wait for the full review...but you've already convinced me to stay miles away.


message 24: by Jenn (new) - added it

Jenn Wow, this is one is on my too reads list. Looking forward to your review


hayden Sorry I convinced you it was good :P haha


message 26: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Hayden wrote: "Sorry I convinced you it was good :P haha"

Oh, Hayden! It wasn't you, I swear!


message 27: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Paige wrote: "Books like Starcrossed are why I actually have a zero-star rating on my blog. Just breathe, cuddle the fluffiest thing you can find, do both for a few days, and it will all be okay. (Maybe.) Quick ..."

You were linked because your review was brilliant! And I should have totally stayed away.

*cuddles good books*


message 28: by [deleted user] (last edited Mar 02, 2012 11:54AM) (new)

YAL Book Briefs wrote: "Think Twilight add Greek mythology with a Mortal Instruments twist and stir."

Oh, wow. Sounds incredibly and succinctly painful. Funny thing is, many would say that's a recipe for epic win *blegh*

Pass.


message 29: by Lexie (new) - added it

Lexie OH BUT THE CHILDREN.

Ahaha. I can't wait to read your review. I don't understand how books like this get not only published, but popular. Just from your status updates alone, it sounds incredibly, incredibly painful.


message 30: by Megan (new)

Megan You would think that with the amount the author got for an advance, it would have been the best YA book of all time. I tried reading this and couldn't get more than 3 chapters without giving up.


message 31: by Rose (new) - added it

Rose I think the reactions from your GIF status updates warned me on how bad this would be, but reading your summary makes me want to stay far, far away.

Looking forward to your full review.


message 32: by Kosi (new)

Kosi LOL I love reading all these comments >.<


Midnight First time commenting... on anything. I'm just going to say, I can't wait for this review! :) This book is one of the few (or 2 but who is counting) books that I have actually reviewed because i hated it so much -_-. I'm sure you review will be much better (and longer) than mine though. :)


Rebecca I can't wait to see your review :P


message 35: by Cat (new)

Cat Ebony wrote: "I'm pretty sure this has an average rating of 4.17. That is the same as Daughter of Smoke and Bone. LUDICROUS.
Will someone please come hold me while I rock back and forth for a while?"


*pats head* They just don't understand how amazing Daughter of Smoke and Bone is and that this book is not.


message 36: by Kyle (new) - added it

Kyle "Full review to come. It will not be nice. No one will be spared. Not even the children."

LOL! I can only imagine what will happen!


message 37: by Kara (new) - added it

Kara Lol, I don't think I'll be picking up this book, then. O.o


message 38: by [deleted user] (new)

Dear God, I'm removing this book from my shelf. (Why is it still here anyway?)
BUT! On the bright side, I bet I have read a book worse than this.


message 39: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Whew. It's finally up!


message 40: by Cat (new)

Cat Stephanie wrote: "Whew. It's finally up!"

That was brilliant.


message 41: by Nataliya (new)

Nataliya This review is amazing! And so are all the comments :)


message 42: by Wei (new)

Wei Cho LOL! After your eloquent review I shall steer clear of this book. I'm very sad and cross that most fictional writing has to end up this way D:


message 43: by Steph (last edited Mar 03, 2012 03:33PM) (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Nataliya wrote: "This review is amazing! And so are all the comments :)"

Thanks!

Cat wrote: "Stephanie wrote: "Whew. It's finally up!"

That was brilliant."


Thanks. I feel like I need to go cuddle all my good books in a corner somewhere now.


message 44: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Thanks C.S. and Mary Elizabeth. :)

I'm reading Shadow and Bone now and I really like it already!


message 45: by Kenya (new)

Kenya Wright I enjoyed this read while eating a great slice of pizza! Yummy! This review is long.... but oh so entertaining!


message 46: by Cat (new)

Cat Stephanie wrote: "Nataliya wrote: "This review is amazing! And so are all the comments :)"

Thanks!

Cat wrote: "Stephanie wrote: "Whew. It's finally up!"

That was brilliant."
You should and you should read them again so your eyes can be graced with good things.

Thanks. I feel like I need to go cudd..."



message 47: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Kenya wrote: "I enjoyed this read while eating a great slice of pizza! Yummy! This review is long.... but oh so entertaining!"

It would have been longer, but I was already at 2,000 words and my kid woke up from his nap... it was pretty much an indication to wrap it the hell up.

Paige wrote: "And now I will throw my "like" into the ring. I wanted to save it until you posted the full review and it was worth it! Amazing review, dear Stephanie. That you have a matching Greek theme going on..."

Thanks. Can this be real life, Paige? Am I dreaming? I mean what the actual fuck is this? I don't understand.
I can almost say that a few of those thoughts only belonged to just one evil character, but the way the other characters treated Helen and the other females... WTF.

I don't understand why it's rated so high.


message 48: by [deleted user] (last edited Mar 03, 2012 04:03PM) (new)

"Now go to sleep." He ordered.

Stephanie, you have to remember every girl loves to be controlled, AND be blamed for when a guy gets horny.


message 49: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Ally wrote: ""Now go to sleep." He ordered.

Stephanie, you have to remember every girl loves to be controlled, AND be blamed for when a guy gets horny."


Ah, of course. I'm such an idiot! -_-


message 50: by Steph (new) - rated it 1 star

Steph Sinclair Natasha wrote: "I loved this review!

"He had sworn to remove the feminine evil of the cestus from the world so that all men could control their lust." Ugh. Well, let's just take away men's testicles instead."


B-b-but it's not their fault they can't control themselves! D:


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