Mariel's Reviews > Phil Collins: The Definitive Biography

Phil Collins by Ray Coleman
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Mar 23, 2011

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Recommended for: Don't be a PHIListine

Phil Collins: The Definitive Biography is a pretty good Uncle Phil book for your money. Anyone who has ever done an air drum solo to "In the Air Tonight" should check it out. The problem is that it raises more questions than it answers. Sure, you'll find out what the heck "Sussudio" even means; the fateful night when Phil saw a guy watching another guy drown and he didn't do anything about it, and why Phil watched him watch and didn't do anything about it; the Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush/Phil Collins love triangle (Fleetwood Mac was NOTHING); the Milli Vanilli style scandal with a gorilla; hell, it even predicts his recent divorce and all the pounds Mr. Collins would put on eating Swiss chocolates (check out the publication date of 1997. Eerie!). (The only thing worse than dumping a man on Valentine's Day is dumping him in a country famous for its chocolates.) Why do Phil and actor Bob Hoskins look alike? Phil was standing naked in front of the mirror going, "I'm so hot *I* wish I could fuck me." He split into two people. And the rest is music and film HIStory. But where is he now? I couldn't find him in a crowd of Waldos. (Phil Collins invented the emo look. Waldo and the rest of them are Johnny come latelys. Phil and his best friend Emo on Miami Vice. That's where the name even comes from. It doesn't stem from the word "emotional", if that's what you had thought.) Baby don't we lose his number. We're in too deep already.

Life was tough in good old England in the good old days of yore. Ever hear of the Teddy Boys? Well, Phil was even tougher than that. He hid a gun in his teddy bear. No one was sneaking up on him during play time.
Luckily, The Beatles came around in the 1960s to save England and Phil Collins from post-war doom and gloom (and bad haircuts. Astrid also invented the Widow's peak).

Phil started the sexual revolution in England. Note that he's the only boy in a crowd of screaming girls. The fab four didn't have to travel to Hamburg for some transgender lovin'.
He disappeared a while, resurfacing in Spain for a time, before starting Genesis with Mike and the Mechanics and Peter Gabriel. How come only Peter got a biblical name? He coasted on So for over a decade but surely that can't last longer than eternity? Phil is pretty heavenly. Rumor has it that his old friend George Harrison is fighting with Bob Dylan (via a priest) for him in the musical super groups in heaven. (Neil Diamond is worried he won't get to jam with Hendrix. They wanted someone edgier, like Lee Hazlewood.)


For his solo career Phil invented the slick production skills that you still see in today's music. But, seriously, I wouldn't lie about this.

How could she leave him?
How could anyone leave THIS?

He can't dance, and he can't sing, the only thing about him is the way he walks. But how could we just let him walk away? The world rallied around Jen Aniston after her divorce...

Should've bought that Disney soundtrack... (Sting and Elton are next.)
Why didn't he fall back on his stuffed animals gangster childhood? (Gangsta rap could sample him as they did Old Man Michael Macdonald.) Why is Peter Gabriel even allowed on the reunion tours (and isn't he busy butchering The Magnetic Fields)? Why was it predestined that his wife would leave him? I want answers. Phil taught us to think twice. I don't mean to DRUM it into everybody (with slick production skills. I've got shades on with hopes the future will get brighter) but...

This man is waiting in hell...
The land of confusion cannot win!

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