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Holly's Reviews > Outlander
Outlander (Outlander, #1)
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A special note to those who say my review stopped them from reading this book: No no no! Read it! I actually reread the whole series last summer and enjoyed it immensely. Just read it for what it is: ludicrous, well-written, humorous, delicious TRASH. Just don't expect it to be the most brilliant novel ever written and you'll be fine.
How To Commit Adultery Without Being a Cheap Slutty Whore: A Q&A by Diana Gabaldon
Q: I love my husband but I'm feeling kind of restless. But adultery is wrong. So what do I do?
A: Easy! Go back in time!
Q: What do you mean, Ms. Gabaldon?
A: If you go back in time, your husband hasn't been born yet. So you can have wild and crazy S&M sex with impunity.
Q: But won't I still be married to him?
A: Aren't you listening? He hasn't been BORN yet. So you aren't married! But if you are really being such a stickler, then just have someone force you to get married to someone else.
Q: But, but, no one can force me to get married against my will!
A: Okay, let me lay it out for you: You're really hot for this sexy warrior barbarian guy, right? I know this, because you stop thinking about your husband about 24 hours after you've been dropped in this guy's arms. So you get in this situation where some obscure tribal law insists you have to get married, make a little protest, sign some papers, and voila!
Q: But that doesn't mean I have to sleep with him.
A: Oh but you do, because some random dude insists that you have to. Don't worry, the sex will be great even though he's a 23 year old virgin. So you see, you HAVE to do it, so it's okay.
Q; But isn't it a sin?
A: Fine, find a priest at the end of the book to absolve you, whatever. And anyway, it's okay because your husband basically told you it was okay, right before you were whisked back in time. Seriously, go for it. When else will you get the chance? You've been married for years. You deserve a little hot and heavy barbarian action.
Q: So what's this hot barbarian guy like?
A: Well, watch out, because he loves to reminisce about how his dad used to beat him and how wonderful that was. And he really gets off on beating you, but it's just the once. Oh, and it seems that he wants you so badly he can't restrain from ramming you repeatedly with his male member while telling you how much he can't restrain himself and that gets seriously annoying after the twentieth time. But otherwise, it's all good.
Q: Anything else I should be aware of?
A: Surprise! Buttsex! But not for you, so it's okay.
Oddly, I'm going to read the next one in the series. Because I'm bizarrely fascinated. It's like a train wreck.
Edit 1:
Someone in the comments said I should copy this into the review, so here you go:
Plot Summary
Claire: I love my husband! I love sex!
Frank: But it's okay if you have sex with someone else, in certain circumstances.
Standing Stones: SUCK! Ha ha, you're in another time!
The Anti-Frank: Ooooh, I think I will rape you.
Claire: Eeek!
Clansmen: Scots to the rescue! Here, meet Jamie and his manly manhood.
Jamie: Och, aye, I'm a tough laddie. And I'm going to kill the Anti-Frank for beating the shit outta of me and raping my sister.
Claire: Ooooh, he's cute. Hey, wasn't I married?
Dougal: Ye have to marry the laddie to get away from the Anti-Frank.
Claire: Okay.
Dougal: And ye have to have sex wit' him.
Claire: Mmmmm.... but.... well, okay.
Jamie: I'm a virgin. Oooh, but I love sticking my manhood in ye. It's like a sacrament and all.
Claire: I should get back to Frank, I think I will take this opportunity to run away... I guess... sort of... meh.
The Anti-Frank: Ha ha! Found you. Now to rape you!
Jamie: Och, that's my wee lassie. First I'm going to rescue her, then I'm going to beat her for disobeying me. And then I'm going to tell her about how me Da beat me and how much I liked it.
Jealous wench: The village witch is looking for you.
Claire: Okay!
Villagers: She's a witch! Burn her!
Jamie: Over my dead body!
Claire: Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm not a witch but...
Jamie: Ye must go back!
Claire: I can't. I long for your manhood too much. It's a manhood like no other.
The Anti-Frank: I too long for your manhood. I think I will bugger you right after I crush your hand with a hammer. But, I love you. You remind me of my dead brother. Here's some grease.
Jamie: Ouch. Oooh, but that feels sort of good. Och, I'm so ashamed.
Claire: We must rescue Jamie! Send in the cows!
Jamie: OCH! Me hand! Just let me die!
Claire: Never! Let's go to France.
Jamie: Och, aye lassie, I feel much better now.
Father Anselm: God says it's okay that you're a bigamist.
Claire: Awesome. Time to use my foreknowledge of past events for good!
Diana Gabaldon: The sequel will be 900 pages.
Finis
How To Commit Adultery Without Being a Cheap Slutty Whore: A Q&A by Diana Gabaldon
Q: I love my husband but I'm feeling kind of restless. But adultery is wrong. So what do I do?
A: Easy! Go back in time!
Q: What do you mean, Ms. Gabaldon?
A: If you go back in time, your husband hasn't been born yet. So you can have wild and crazy S&M sex with impunity.
Q: But won't I still be married to him?
A: Aren't you listening? He hasn't been BORN yet. So you aren't married! But if you are really being such a stickler, then just have someone force you to get married to someone else.
Q: But, but, no one can force me to get married against my will!
A: Okay, let me lay it out for you: You're really hot for this sexy warrior barbarian guy, right? I know this, because you stop thinking about your husband about 24 hours after you've been dropped in this guy's arms. So you get in this situation where some obscure tribal law insists you have to get married, make a little protest, sign some papers, and voila!
Q: But that doesn't mean I have to sleep with him.
A: Oh but you do, because some random dude insists that you have to. Don't worry, the sex will be great even though he's a 23 year old virgin. So you see, you HAVE to do it, so it's okay.
Q; But isn't it a sin?
A: Fine, find a priest at the end of the book to absolve you, whatever. And anyway, it's okay because your husband basically told you it was okay, right before you were whisked back in time. Seriously, go for it. When else will you get the chance? You've been married for years. You deserve a little hot and heavy barbarian action.
Q: So what's this hot barbarian guy like?
A: Well, watch out, because he loves to reminisce about how his dad used to beat him and how wonderful that was. And he really gets off on beating you, but it's just the once. Oh, and it seems that he wants you so badly he can't restrain from ramming you repeatedly with his male member while telling you how much he can't restrain himself and that gets seriously annoying after the twentieth time. But otherwise, it's all good.
Q: Anything else I should be aware of?
A: Surprise! Buttsex! But not for you, so it's okay.
Oddly, I'm going to read the next one in the series. Because I'm bizarrely fascinated. It's like a train wreck.
Edit 1:
Someone in the comments said I should copy this into the review, so here you go:
Plot Summary
Claire: I love my husband! I love sex!
Frank: But it's okay if you have sex with someone else, in certain circumstances.
Standing Stones: SUCK! Ha ha, you're in another time!
The Anti-Frank: Ooooh, I think I will rape you.
Claire: Eeek!
Clansmen: Scots to the rescue! Here, meet Jamie and his manly manhood.
Jamie: Och, aye, I'm a tough laddie. And I'm going to kill the Anti-Frank for beating the shit outta of me and raping my sister.
Claire: Ooooh, he's cute. Hey, wasn't I married?
Dougal: Ye have to marry the laddie to get away from the Anti-Frank.
Claire: Okay.
Dougal: And ye have to have sex wit' him.
Claire: Mmmmm.... but.... well, okay.
Jamie: I'm a virgin. Oooh, but I love sticking my manhood in ye. It's like a sacrament and all.
Claire: I should get back to Frank, I think I will take this opportunity to run away... I guess... sort of... meh.
The Anti-Frank: Ha ha! Found you. Now to rape you!
Jamie: Och, that's my wee lassie. First I'm going to rescue her, then I'm going to beat her for disobeying me. And then I'm going to tell her about how me Da beat me and how much I liked it.
Jealous wench: The village witch is looking for you.
Claire: Okay!
Villagers: She's a witch! Burn her!
Jamie: Over my dead body!
Claire: Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm not a witch but...
Jamie: Ye must go back!
Claire: I can't. I long for your manhood too much. It's a manhood like no other.
The Anti-Frank: I too long for your manhood. I think I will bugger you right after I crush your hand with a hammer. But, I love you. You remind me of my dead brother. Here's some grease.
Jamie: Ouch. Oooh, but that feels sort of good. Och, I'm so ashamed.
Claire: We must rescue Jamie! Send in the cows!
Jamie: OCH! Me hand! Just let me die!
Claire: Never! Let's go to France.
Jamie: Och, aye lassie, I feel much better now.
Father Anselm: God says it's okay that you're a bigamist.
Claire: Awesome. Time to use my foreknowledge of past events for good!
Diana Gabaldon: The sequel will be 900 pages.
Finis
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Reading Progress
Finished Reading
February 17, 2008
– Shelved
March 8, 2008
– Shelved as:
socalled-chick-lit
September 15, 2008
– Shelved as:
historical-fiction
September 15, 2008
– Shelved as:
fantasy
Comments Showing 1-50 of 594 (594 new)
Allow me to summarize it for you:Claire: I love my husband! I love sex!
Frank: But it's okay if you have sex with someone else, in certain circumstances.
Standing Stones: SUCK! Ha ha, you're in another time!
The Anti-Frank: Ooooh, I think I will rape you.
Claire: Eeek!
Clansmen: Scots to the rescue! Here, meet Jamie and his manly manhood.
Jamie: Och, aye, I'm a tough laddie. And I'm going to kill the Anti-Frank for beating the shit outta of me and raping my sister.
Claire: Ooooh, he's cute. Hey, wasn't I married?
Dougal: Ye have to marry the laddie to get away from the Anti-Frank.
Claire: Okay.
Dougal: And ye have to have sex wit' him.
Claire: Mmmmm.... but.... well, okay.
Jamie: I'm a virgin. Oooh, but I love sticking my manhood in ye. It's like a sacrament and all.
Claire: I should get back to Frank, I think I will take this opportunity to run away... I guess... sort of... meh.
The Anti-Frank: Ha ha! Found you. Now to rape you!
Jamie: Och, that's my wee lassie. First I'm going to rescue her, then I'm going to beat her for disobeying me. And then I'm going to tell her about how me Da beat me and how much I liked it.
Jealous wench: The village witch is looking for you.
Claire: Okay!
Villagers: She's a witch! Burn her!
Jamie: Over my dead body!
Claire: Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm not a witch but...
Jamie: Ye must go back!
Claire: I can't. I long for your manhood too much. It's a manhood like no other.
The Anti-Frank: I too long for your manhood. I think I will bugger you right after I crush your hand with a hammer. But, I love you. You remind me of my dead brother. Here's some grease.
Jamie: Ouch. Oooh, but that feels sort of good. Och, I'm so ashamed.
Claire: We must rescue Jamie! Send in the cows!
Jamie: OCH! Me hand! Just let me die!
Claire: Never! Let's go to France.
Jamie: Och, aye lassie, I feel much better now.
Father Anselm: God says it's okay that you're a bigamist.
Claire: Awesome. Time to use my foreknowledge of past events for good!
Diana Gabaldon: The sequel will be 900 pages.
Finis
Now I´m HAPPY I can´t remember the first and haven´t read the second book.. relieved sigh.. Thank you for making my day!
Oh, my goodness. I LOVED this series, but both the original Q&A post and (especially)the summary comment made me laugh really, really hard.
Thanks!I actually liked the characters, and I liked the beginning. It's just, she needed an editor and those sex scenes were awful. And the ending, holy cripes.
Yes, the constant beatings and torture were a bit much. Damn.
Thank you very much for confirming my resolve to never read this book. I've picked it up off bookshop shelves several times to read the back because so many intelligent women I know have enjoyed it, but I keep putting it back on the shelf because it just sounds like a cheesy bodice-ripper. And now, thanks to your review, I need never wonder again if I would like it, because I know I won't!
Great review. Very entertaining. I only wish I'd found this before I read the damn thing.
Holly you are hilarious! (and so accurate!)
Thanks everyone!I see there is a new one coming out soon. I'm going to have to work up my courage to read it.
Oh, your summary almost killed me; I almost die from laughing too much! Some intelligent friends of mine recommended this book to me, telling me how hot and romantic it was. But, after reading your summary of it I think I'll stay away from The Outlander. It seems to be one of those book I would hate more and more with a passion as time goes by.
I don't know the answer to message 16.But to Holly -- this review is so true. I've become addicted to the series, I can't help myself, but it's truly a guilty pleasure. I agree with everything you've said about it. Hmm, wonder what I did with my old copy. Maybe it's time to re-read.
RE Jamie's rape--it just seems so unnecessary, particularly given how it is dropped from most of the rest of the series. It's like "boom, you're healed!" when we all know rape recovery is a lifelong thing.She's very obsessed with sexual violence in a way that is very not sexy. And after a while I got really tired of all the spanking.
And yet... I hear another one is coming out and I know I will read it and hate myself the entire time.
Oddly, I'm going to read the next one in the series. Because I'm bizarrely fascinated. It's like a train wreckYou have no idea how much I empathise with this bizzare desire to keep reading this series. Great review!
Holly, you're freaking hilarious! Have I read the books? No, I just liked your review. i was reading over some reviews to see if I wanted to read this book but then came across your review and figured that it was all the entertainment I needed from the series.
I loved your review! I only wish I had read it before I began reading Outlander, and maybe I wouldn't have begun. I don't read romance novels, but the time travel and historical fiction intriqued me enough to try the book. Now that I am a third of the way through (and have purchased the next 5 books), I am hopelessly hooked and can't put the book down!!! Raunchy in parts yes, but it's an addicting story.
Thank you. Thank you for keeping me from actually buying this book :-) I learned my lesson after reading Twilight that I should read reviews first...and this is one that everyone has been telling me to read. Thank you for saving me the trouble :-)
i gave the book 1 star. I would give your summary 6 stars if I could.This is so hysterically funny you could sell this shit.
Thanks for the fabulous review.
I found this book under "Character I'd most like to sleep with" list. Obviously, getting spanked by a Scotsman is a very sexy idea for lots of readers! :) I don't know...maybe if it was James Mcavoy or Gerard Butler, and maybe if my husband was REALLY getting on my nerves and-ACH! NO! WHAT am I saying?! lol....Great review!
Holly wrote: "Allow me to summarize it for you:Claire: I love my husband! I love sex!
Frank: But it's okay if you have sex with someone else, in certain circumstances.
Standing Stones: SUCK! Ha ha, you're in a..."
Oh my...I have not laughed that hard in a while!!LOL
OMG--- i just finished reading this book (and i loved it!) but this review was truly LOL hilarity.
LOL! I don't remember any of this stuff, maybe I should reread this book. xD
Haha. I loved the first two books but this is hilariously accurate! I hope you did a review of the newest book because, whoa!
Holly both the review and summary are divine, laughed so hard I cried.
Hilarious! I made it halfway through the audiobook. I'd always intended to return to it, but I think I'll just stick with your retelling!
Best line ever- Jamie: I'm a virgin. Oooh, but I love sticking my manhood in ye. It's like a sacrament and all.
LOL, That was great! I do love the book, sex and all, but that was a great review. I am on the second book, but I heard that the third and beyond have less sex. Don't be too grossed out, I hope it is not that much less. I like how she does those senses, and I hope when I am sixty I am have that much sex.
I love love love this series. Having said that, your review was very funny. Thx.
Oh my goodness, thank goodness for goodreads.com! And for this review! I found myself unable to stand the last 100 pages or so of the book--I wanted Claire to find a way to save Jamie from a fate so torturous as what he goes through with Captain Randall. But why do I feel this way? Female characters are brutalized so often in this book and other traditional romances. Is it different or worse when the guy is so brooding and traditional as Jamie--or if they feel like maybe they liked it a little? The human psyche is so complex, but I don't know if I want to experience all that with my historical romances. I kinda just want it to be okay in the end....
I haven't laughed this hard in ages. Thank you for the review.
Thank you, your review is so funny and saved me from finishing the book :) Abandoned after 200 pages.
I loved this book and the whole series! Having said that, I just read your review to my husband and said "This review makes my book sound stupid!" He said "Truth be told it sounded stupid when you described it to me also!" Oh well--I still love it, but your review helped me to put it in perspective. (and gave me a good laugh) Thank you!
It's an INCREDIBLY STUPID BOOK. The whole series is utter trash. And yet, I read them, and love them. It's great escapism, just don't try to pretend it's anything more. There is no shame in escapism.
OMG, I cant stop laughing! Awesome recap.I especially loved this part since it's so true:
Q: So what's this hot barbarian guy like?
A: Well, watch out, because he loves to reminisce about how his dad used to beat him and how wonderful that was. And he really gets off on beating you, but it's just the once. Oh, and it seems that he wants you so badly he can't restrain from ramming you repeatedly with his male member while telling you how much he can't restrain himself and that gets seriously annoying after the twentieth time.
Another who loved both the book and the review! You were especially on the nose with this: "Hey, wasn't I married? " I remember being kind of flabbergasted at how quickly she seemed to completely forget her husband.
Oh yeah, and in the later books, it's like "oh Brianna was raised by Frank for like 20 years and thought he was her dad but now that Lord God Jamie is in the picture... Frank Who?"Poor poor Frank.
wow this review is better then stand-up comedy, I should pay you for the entertainment. great job!
I loved this novel... but your review was hilarious!!
I should have read your summary 850 pages ago. It's way better that the book. I read it in a verra wee time, and didna miss much ya ken... Laughed so much, thanks.
Great review! I was seriously cracking up.
This is the best review I think I have ever read.
I just started this book...Im like 30 pages in. I love your review...I am afraid to read it now, but I am still going to give it a chance. Its not like I bought it, I found it on the library shelf.
I love the Outlander series and your review had me cracking up. It reminded me a little of a youtube video I saw called "Outlander Spoof" you should check it out.
OMG that was brilliant. Too bad they had to eliminatethe cows from the big rescue. Budget reasons I guess. :-)
A: Because I thoroughly amused by Holly´s review...
What a wonderful review, Holly! It has been a long time ago since I read this book and I can´t remember everything accurately but I know at the time I read it I really liked it! It would be interesting how I would rate if I would read it again after all those years! But I never read the next books in this series though..