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The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
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it was amazing

A review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, by Sauron

Hello. You may remember me as the title character of the Lord of Rings. I go by a lot of names: Dark Lord of Mordor, Sorcerer, Red Eye, Dark Power, Lord of Barad-dûr, Ring-maker and Base Master of Treachery (I use that one in my band). I actually object to Tolkien's chosen name of Sauron, which I understand originates from an adjective that means "foul, putrid" in his crappy invented language. What can I say, the showers in Mordor are sketchy at best. On weekends, my poker buddies call me Sauron the Destroyer of Nacho Platters.

Because Tolkien intentionally failed to give a proper description of me in his books, allow me to give you an idea. I have a bit of a dark look. My quest for world domination having been thwarted, I watch a lot of TV these days. My body is roughly equivalent to the "The Situation" on Jersey Shore. Oh, no I don't watch that, but the Witch-king of Angmar is obsessed. He won't shut up about Snowcone or some bimbo on that show. I'm missing a finger, which while preventing me from raining down carnage on Middle Earth, allows me to collect decent EI. Plus the best lawyer in Mordor got me covered under the dismemberment clause on my insurance, so I'm riding the double dip gravy train. Much has been written about my terrible Lidless Red Eye, blah blah blah. It freaked out that little twat Frodo pretty good. I'll have you know that conjunctivitis is no laughing matter. Having to keep it open 24/7 to look for hoodlums skulking around Mordor is murder on my hydration. The Nazgul have enough lift and aim to get up there to toss a bucket of Visine at it, but it's just temporary relief. Regardless, I'm still more of a looker than your precious King Elessar or Aragorn or whatever he's calling himself these days. He's never met a brooding look he didn't like. Buy a razor. Get a real job.

Someone sent me Peter Jackson's movies in the mail. The package had no return address but it was postmarked "Hobbiton", where ever the hell that is. As I watch these movies over and over (I never even finished the books) I was reminded of all my mistakes...

Perhaps a ring was not a good choice. Some buddies have suggested that maybe I shouldn't have tied all of my terrible powers to something as easy to misplace as the One Ring. In retrospect, I should have forged The One Gas Station Bathroom Key Chain of Power. It would have been a lot harder to tief. I even could have pimped it out by making it from an Ent branch or Saruman's foot, for all the good that old fart did me. Maybe a ring would have been just fine if it had been a toe ring. Then it wouldn't glow in the dark like a target for every freaking Man on the battlefield. I heard that the guy who beat me was named "Isildur"!!?? WTF. Maybe I could have worn tougher gloves, I don't know. Perhaps the door to the Fires of Mount Doom should have had a better lock. ADT could have hooked me up with motion detectors but I hear that even cats can set those off. They claim they can calibrate them but I'm not so sure. The Uruk-hai are always jumping up on the table, so they would set it off for sure. Maybe just the alarm that goes off if something hits the lava, like pool alarms for kid. Although I guess it would have been too late by then. "My preccciioouussss!". Learn some balance a-hole.

Frodo. That little prick. I'd rather not discuss how my quest for utter dominion was defeated by something I could poop out unnoticed.

I'm getting off track. I'm supposed to discuss the events of the first book, the Fellowship of the Ring. Good times! I was on a comeback! Then the withered up senior citizen Gandalf had to go to the library and do a little research and figure out that my Ring was not some cracker jack prize. My Ringwraiths tried to track down the Ring but apparently taking it away from children was too difficult. If I had put the Nazgûl on fell beasts rather than bloody horses from the start I might have tracked down Frodo (prick) and his three buddies in the bloody woods. Don't horses have a good sense of smell!? Anyways, the fell beasts would have at least avoided drowning in a river. Sweet Mary. Then those Elves suggest a damn "fellowship". Could you have come up with a lamer group name?? Why not call it the "Loose Association of People Who Share Common Beliefs or Activities…of the Ring". That Balrog almost did me the biggest favour, he was always one of my peeps. "You shall not pass!!" What a line Gandy! How cow. I heard that one took like 15 takes because Pippin kept making everyone laugh by adding in the word "gas". Fool of a Took!

Anyways, by the end of the Fellowship of the Ring, I still had a fighting chance. Great book. Anyways, The Two Towers won't be as fun to review. Sh*t hits the fan.

(A note from Sauron's agent: full credit for the idea of this review goes to Kemper and his awesome review of Drood)

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Reading Progress

Finished Reading
February 7, 2011 – Shelved

Comments Showing 1-38 of 38 (38 new)

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Robert Good grief! Sauron is just like Wilkie! They both have Multiple Personality Disorder!

Or put another way, The Witch-King of Angmar was just another of sauron's aliases.

message 2: by Kemper (new)

Kemper Credit! I have credit.

This review reminded me of this. (You may have to select the Lord of the Rings from the list at the bottom)

message 3: by Brandon (new)

Brandon Jonathan wrote: "Perhaps a ring was not a good choice. Some buddies have suggested that maybe I shouldn't have tied all of my terrible powers to something as easy to misplace as the One Ring. In retrospect, I should have forged The One Gas Station Bathroom Key Chain of Power"

Classic bad guy mistake #1. This is right up there with revealing your plot to the hero just before you kill him.

Jonathan That and anything related to a conveyor belt and a circular saw.

Vinaya Obviously, Sauron forgot to read Peter's Evil Overlord List! Rookie error *beeeep*

Jonathan That was hilarious!

Robert 101. I will not publish a document showing my tactical awareness on the internet...

Flannery Vinaya sent me over here to read this. AMAZING. Thanks for the laughs, Jonathan.

Jonathan I am but the Mouth of Sauron the Magnificient.

message 10: by Vinaya (last edited Feb 08, 2011 11:32AM) (new) - rated it 5 stars


Really? Did they steal your toothbrush as well as your ring?

message 11: by Shveta (new)

Shveta Thakrar *grin*

Jonathan Slight gingivitis and perhaps some mild tartar. I shall scour my teeth with my new mithril-vest. I mention not the breath.

Maja (The Nocturnal Library) Vinaya, I was about to eat dinner. :)
I think it's safe to say I won't be eating tonight.
God, that's nasty! :))

message 14: by Vinaya (last edited Feb 08, 2011 12:17PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Vinaya Don't foul-Mouth him, he'll cast the evil Eye on you!

Maja (The Nocturnal Library) Lol, you took my dinner, now you want to take my sleep, too?
Anyway, Mouth of Sauron, this is one of the best reviews I' ever read! It's hilarious. Thank you so much, I needed it.

Jonathan The terrible conjunctivitis is clearly demonstrated by the graphic above. I mean, can your eye do that!!??

message 17: by Vinaya (last edited Feb 08, 2011 12:34PM) (new) - rated it 5 stars

Vinaya Maybe you should plot to first take over Pfizer, then the world. As an added incentive, I hear they manufacture Xanax and Viagra. You'll probably need them, although hopefully not at the same time!

message 18: by Lyndsey (new)

Lyndsey Hobbiton?! LMAO. Peter Jackson really is such a hobbit!!

Vinaya Hey, don't diss Jackson, it's a hard hobbit to break!

Okay, I'll shut up now.

Maja (The Nocturnal Library) No, please don't shut up! Pretty please! You're on a roll!

message 21: by Lyndsey (new)

Lyndsey Ahahha! Lol, Vinaya. I dunno. I'm not sure he would consider it a diss.

In fact, he'd probably say: "Oh yeah, baby. Call me Hobbit AGAIN!!"

message 22: by Jared (new) - added it

Jared Rowcliffe Bravo on that review that is not a review at all but very amusing

Jonathan I have accomplished my goal to uninform.

message 24: by Colleen (new) - added it

Colleen that was absolutely freaking hysterical. i loved it. my favorite part was when you renamed the fellowship "Loose Association of People Who Share Common Beliefs or Activities…of the Ring".

message 25: by AH (new) - rated it 5 stars

AH Sauron, the Destroyer of Nacho Party Platters


Frodo. That little prick. I'd rather not discuss how my quest for utter dominion was defeated by something I could poop out unnoticed.

That was hilarious. Thanks for a good morning laugh.

message 26: by Amber (new)

Amber two words...Freakin Awesome!!!

Siobhan Brilliant, had such a good laugh reading this.

Shane So do all who live to see such times.

Jonathan Was Sauron spotted at the local grocery store or something? Why did my review get like 30 simultaneous likes yesterday? A Valentine's thing...? Nobody added anything to my reviews of the other two volumes of LOTR so I'm suspicious.

message 30: by AH (new) - rated it 5 stars

AH It showed up as a top review for Canada this week. Made me laugh, so I clicked the like button.

Shane Somehow it got onto Facebook also.

message 32: by mark (new)

mark monday "I use that one in my band"

Michael Chantry I'm the 70th like!!! Sweet!

Kayla I don't know if your funny or weird.

Jonathan The answer is : handsome

message 36: by Maya (new) - rated it 5 stars

Maya Hilarious review.

message 37: by Zee (new) - rated it 4 stars

Zee Brilliant, thank you for the comic relief... after reading half of the book, which mostly seems to resemble a ridiculous musical on paper, I sorely needed a laugh.

message 38: by [deleted user] (new)

I showed this to my brother, and he still hasn't stopped laughing :):):)

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