leynes's Reviews > King Lear

King Lear by William Shakespeare
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Read 2 times. Last read March 26, 2018 to March 27, 2018.

King Lear, a modern reimagination by yours truly.

LEAR: Gather 'round daughters, ya daddy is old af and wants to retire. Whoever kisses my sweet ass the most will get the largest part of my kingdom.
GONERIL: Daddy, I love you so so so so so so much.
REGAN: Daddy, I love you even moooooooooooore.
LEAR: (squeals happily) Ah, there's nothing like family. Cordelia, how about you?
CORDELIA: (shifts awkwardly) I have nothing, my lord.
LEAR: Nothing?
CORDELIA: ...
description
LEAR: BITCH, THE DOOR! (the door being France)
KENT: For real? This decision will bite you in the ass one day.
LEAR: Kent, you know what, while we're at it, you can fuck off too.

*

EDMUND: Honey, you should see me in a crown. I might not be as honorable of a bastard as Jon Snow but I will sit on that goddamn throne. (screams) DAAAAAD?
GLOUCESTER: I told you not to call me that in public, you little shit.
EDMUND: Edgar, your honorable, loyal and rightful heir, is plotting to kill you. Yeah, I'm totally not making that up to steal his place.
GLOUCESTR: Fair enough. (screams) EDGAAAAR?
EDGAR: Yes, O my beloved father?
GLOUCESTER: Piss off.
EDGAR: (shrugs) Well, then, guess I'm going to live naked in the woods now. Walden has nothing on me.

*

LEAR: (slowly descending into madness upon realizing that Regan and Goneril are fake hoes who want to get rid of his sorry ass) Zeus, you hear me? I need some thunder and lightning to fit my mood.
ZEUS:
description
(The biggest storm ever hits. Shakespeare in the back taking notes for The Tempest.)
LEAR: (dancing in the rain) CASH ME OUTSIDE HOWBOW DAH?

GLOUCESTER: Umm... guys, don't you wanna do something? Your father's 'bout to catch a cold.
GONERIL: You're 'bout to catch those hands. (stabs his eyes out)
REGAN: (tosses Gloucester's blind ass to the streets) Well done, sis.
GONERIL: And they say women are weak.
REGAN: (looks around savagely) Now who's gonna help us kill our father next?
EDMUND: I'm in.
REGAN: (leers at Edmund) That's one fine ass.
GONERIL: (giving Regan a side-eye) This D is mine. I will poison her ass.
ALBANY: (looking at Goneril, is shooketh) My wife's a ho.

*

Meanwhile...
CORDELIA: (marching on Britain with her French army) Yee-haa!
EDGAR: (returning from the woods after having saved his father from committing suicide) Yee-haaa!
KENT: (donning costume) Bitches, I'm back!
LEAR: (embracing Cordelia) Everything is going to be alright now.
ALBANY: (stepping onto the scene)
description
REGAN: (dies from poisoning; off-stage of course because no one cares about women)
GONERIL: (kills herself; off-stage, that goes without saying)
CORDELIA: (gets fucking hanged; OFF-STAGE)
EDMUND: (gets killed off-stage)
LEAR: FML. (dies)
ALBANY:
description
EDGAR: Guess, I'll be King now.
ALBANY: The Quarto says I will be King.
EDGAR: Fuck the Quarto, the Folio is on my side.
ME: (as the curtains close)
description
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Reading Progress

October 6, 2015 – Shelved
August 13, 2016 – Started Reading
August 13, 2016 –
page 73
21.22% "This is good but I have a massive headache"
August 13, 2016 –
page 119
34.59%
August 14, 2016 – Finished Reading
March 26, 2018 – Started Reading
March 27, 2018 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-9 of 9 (9 new)

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message 1: by Jewel (new) - added it

Jewel That was amazing.


leynes Jewel wrote: "That was amazing."

Thank you. :D


Miss Morningstar Die memes 👌🏼 ich weine fast 😂


Marie S. Haha, I read the play twice and twice I was wondering what Shakespeare was on when he wrote it. Seriously, you can't just kill the entire cast. But it was funnier the second time around because I knew about all the OTT drama and I was in for that.


leynes @Miss Morningstar: Die Memes herauszusuchen war das beste am ganzen Schreibprozess. :D

@Marie: Yes, it was a reread for me as well and it definitely improved. I absolutely hated the play the first time around... but even now, it's a little too absurd for me to really like it. ;)


message 6: by Heather (new) - added it

Heather "BITCH< THE DOOR! (The door being France)" I love your "translation of the text here. I may have to steal this one. From now on when people annoy me, I'll say "oh, go to France."


leynes Heather wrote: ""BITCH< THE DOOR! (The door being France)" I love your "translation of the text here. I may have to steal this one. From now on when people annoy me, I'll say "oh, go to France.""

Haha, keeping it classy with the insults. :D


Salam Almahi I mean... This is better than the actual play!
I demand it being made into a book. I'd buy that in a heartbeat.


leynes Salam wrote: "I mean... This is better than the actual play!
I demand it being made into a book. I'd buy that in a heartbeat."


Haha, if everything else fails, I will go into publishing trashy version of Shakespeare plays.


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