hayden's Reviews > Hades

Hades by Alexandra Adornetto
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Dear World,
Please do not question my sanity. I promise I have not lost it. I am reading this for the freaking lulz AND THAT'S IT.
Sincerely, Me.

While I'm writing my review, you may entertain yourselves by reading my 46 status updates below. Thank you, come again.

Also, notice the addition of three stars. That means my review is coming
REAL SOON, I promise!

Review: 1.5 stars
First impressions are deceiving.
I have fourteen years’ worth of anecdotal proof that this theory is true, but the one example I want to give you is Alexandra Adornetto’s first book, HALO (which I’m sure everyone and their mom has read or at least seen).

Back when I was an innocent little thirteen-year-old, I was wandering the bottom floor of my Barnes & Noble, looking at the new releases and such, molesting the Nooks, blahblah. Bored of my futile search (I’d never been much of an adult reader, and the bottom floor was where all the mainstream adult books were kept at the time), I headed over toward the escalator that took you to the top floor, with the children’s section; the adult PNR section; the board games section; and the teen/YA section. YA had proved to be a friendly companion in my recent years of extremely frequent reading, and I was itching to get to the top and find some more to read.

When I reached the top of the escalator, I saw a six-shelf display of HALO, and I nearly jizzed my pants.

It was beautiful.

I almost couldn’t tolerate not owning it.

When I was an adult and I was rich and famous and I branched out into the publishing world, I had to get that cover designer on board with me to design my book.

I wouldn’t live if I didn’t.

I stood there for a good minute or so just marveling at the beautiful wonder that was the cover of HALO before I finally couldn’t stand it any longer and I had to touch it. When I picked it up, I could almost hear the angels singing “Alleluia” in my ears (no pun intended, folks). I knew I had to buy it.

And I did. I bought the hell out of it.

I wish I could tell you right now that the contents of that book were as beautiful as the cover was. I wish I could tell you I gave it a no-brainer five stars and recommended it to every single person on the face of the earth, YA fan or not. I wish I could tell you I honed my sculpting skills and made a statue of Adornetto, which I proudly displayed as a centerpiece in my living room. Alas, I cannot tell you any one of those things, because not one of them is true. In fact, they’re pretty much the farthest things from true.

HALO had so many problems: it was waaaaaay too long; the main character was so blatantly dumb, she was deserving of being high-fived in the face with a frying pan, not to mention she was Mary-Sue-perfect; the prose was more purple than my face was while I was reading it; the plot was progressing at the speed of something really slow… That’s only some of its seemingly perpetual list of problems I found. Regardless, I found some moments in the book to be cute and/or funny and/or worthwhile, so I gave it two stars on Goodreads. It’s actually more deserving of one-and-a-half, but who really cares about the semantics?

The gorgeous and wondrous cover of HALO is reason number one I can prove that theory that first impressions are deceiving.

The second one is my first impression of HALO carrying over to its much shorter and frankly much better sequel, HADES. HALO was my first impression of Adornetto’s lack of talent, and honestly I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than have to re-read it. HADES is a major step-up from HALO, because while sometimes the plot is shrouded in the shadows of overtly-dumb characters, at least it’s existent. The concept of Hell that Adornetto creates is, to say the least, an epic fail. [image error]

I mean, seriously, Adornetto. Hell is filled to the brim with clubs non-stop partygoers and fancy hotels? Everything I’ve heard about it describes it as a place of eternal torture and suffering, not a place of fun.

The way she describes the devil is laugh-worthy, and I don’t mean a chuckle, I mean a [image error] kind of laugh. This is what she says to describe him:

”He wore a white linen suit with a red silk tie and his feet were encased in white cowboy boots. He held an ivory-topped cane that he tapped softly on the cement floor... His skin was tanned and leathery and his eyes were a pellucid blue but devoid of any expression. He was immaculately groomed and wore his silver hair tied back loosely with a gilded clasp."


Yes. I am 100% serious. I am not pranking you. You are not being punk’d (which Bethie made a reference to).

This brings me to a whole new point . . . Beth.

Oh, dear Lord, Beth, you are one of the most childish and inexperienced heroines I’ve ever read. You aren’t as bad in this installment as you were in the last one (view spoiler), but you’re still extremely stupid.

You made so many poor decisions over the course of these books, I’m almost tempted to not read the next book.
My first clue you were completely retarded:

"I could never do the "'sup nod”—it made me feel as if I were in one of those music videos Molly watched on MTV where men in hoods rapped about “homies” and something called “bling.”


And believe me, people. It only gets worse.

The only reason I say she’s not as bad in this book as she was in HALO is because in this installment, when she’s trapped in Hell, she offers to help two people she’d met there escape when she gets her opportunity to. (view spoiler)

One thing that completely surprised me about this book is when *kind of SPOILERS, but not really??* Molly declares her love for Gabriel. I SERIOUSLY did not expect that to happen. His reaction is what was really surprising to me. You’re just going to have to read it to get more on that.

HADES starts off roughly. On one account, the first thirty-five pages has excessive infodump to the point where one of my progress points was solidly

INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP.


I am not exaggerating.

When Jake introduced the concept of projecting (she could “project” her soul to watch her “loved ones” on Earth while her physical form was still in Hell), I did this:

Seriously. I did. It was such a BLATANTLY INTRODUCED plot device, I had no other options.

Not to mention (view spoiler)'s deus ex machina ending.
The cliffhanger at the end had me a bit confused. It was only over the span of one sentence. I have no idea what was going on. Hopefully, HEAVEN (book #3, for those uninformed) will explain what’s goin’ on and what I obviously don’t understand.

Big improvement from HALO, but there were some . . . obvious . . . problems.
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Reading Progress

September 5, 2010 – Shelved
September 2, 2011 – Started Reading
September 2, 2011 –
page 4
0.94% "Dear Ally Grace (the author's real name), Have you ever heard of the term "infodump?""
September 2, 2011 –
page 5
1.18% "Wait . . . are you guys making out while you're driving? Or am I confused?"
September 2, 2011 –
page 6
1.41% "Awkward phrasing Awkward Phrasing AWKWARD PHRASING AWKWARD PHRASING AWKWARD PHRASING!!!!"
September 2, 2011 –
page 7
1.65% ""She reminded me of a mythical creature who had somehow found herself unceremoniously plonked in a world that made no sense to her." Um, probably because THAT'S WHAT SHE IS?"
September 2, 2011 –
page 9
2.12% "Wow. They have a REALLY AWKWARD FAMILY."
September 2, 2011 –
page 10
2.35% "Oh, yeah. I kind of forgot <spoiler>Taylah died. She</spoiler> was my favorite character."
September 2, 2011 –
page 11
2.59% "Wow. Really? Semicolon fail? What are you, five? Are you to young and inexperienced to be respectfully established in the young adult paranormal romance genre? Oh, yeah. I learned this with HALO/"
September 2, 2011 –
page 11
2.59% "Oh, yeah. I forgot. What kind of a name is Taylah?! Has anyone ever heard that name before these books?"
September 2, 2011 –
page 13
3.06% "INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP INFODUMP."
September 2, 2011 –
page 15
3.53% "Bethany needs to have her next period in a shark tank."
September 2, 2011 –
page 22
5.18% "Holy SHIT We get it! They make out a lot. You don't have to repeat it every five sentences."
September 2, 2011 –
page 22
5.18% ""Must the two or you embody every cliché in the book?" Yes. That is EXACTLY right."
September 2, 2011 –
page 25
5.88% "Soooooooooooooooo bored...."
September 2, 2011 –
page 30
7.06% "Still bored..."
September 3, 2011 –
page 48
11.29% "Wow. That was retarded."
September 3, 2011 –
page 78
18.35% "Whoa. Some scenes that were actually interesting."
September 3, 2011 –
page 78
18.35% "HA! They call Satan "Big Daddy." Hahahahahaha."
September 3, 2011 –
page 85
20.0% "HA! They call Satan "Big Daddy." Hahahahahaha."
September 3, 2011 –
page 145
34.12% "You're fucking joking. There's no way I can actually be liking this."
September 3, 2011 –
page 147
34.59% "This Tucker dude freaking rocks."
September 3, 2011 –
page 250
58.82% "Bethany may be a dumb bitch sometimes, but the fact that she's offering to help these people trapped in Hell (Hades, as it's called in this book) gives her some sort of depth to me."
September 3, 2011 –
page 157
36.94% "Whoa. Chapter title: Speak of the Devil. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
September 3, 2011 –
page 157
36.94% "Dear Adornetto, Why are you writing Bethany so pretentiously? I'm pretty sure the average teenager doesn't use the word "paraphernalia" on a regular basis."
September 3, 2011 –
page 169
39.76% "Bethany needs to put her big-girl panties on and GTFO."
September 3, 2011 –
page 198
46.59% "This is a good book. There, I said it."
September 3, 2011 –
page 201
47.29% "DAMN. I can taste the testosterone in the air!"
September 4, 2011 –
page 244
57.41% "Wow. Really? You failed to escape when you were RIGHT THERE? You're really fucking stupid, no offense. Actually, yes offense. Yes offense to the max."
September 4, 2011 –
page 246
57.88% "WHY the hell is she not being a jerk to Jake? He literally DRAGGED HER TO HELL and she's acting like his friend."
September 4, 2011 –
page 250
58.82% ""Despite the heat, I felt my blood run cold, as though someone had injected shards of ice directly into my bloodstream." Wow, really? Are you serious right now, Addy?"
September 4, 2011 –
page 253
59.53% "As soon as he did, A FLASH OF LIGHTNING ILLUMINATED THE RED SKY . . . Look at the cover. *Magic!"
September 4, 2011 –
page 255
60.0% "Dafuck? A butterfly?"
September 4, 2011 –
page 258
60.71% "Calling Little Bethie a bitch, are yeh? Big 'n' Tuff Guy Jakie Thorn will MESS YOU DA FUQ UP!"
September 4, 2011 –
page 260
61.18% ""Beth. Hate me as much as you like, [I inserted that comma on my own accord] but trust me . . . tonight I'm on your side." Yeah. You expect her to trust you, Big 'n' Tuff Guy Jakie Thorn? I wouldn't. In fact, I'd most likely give you a high five. In the face. With a chair."
September 4, 2011 –
page 262
61.65% "Are. You. Fucking. SERIOUS. This is the legendary and horrific Big Daddy: "He wore a white linen suit with a red silk tie and his feet were encased in white cowboy boots. Although his face was still in shadow, I was sure . . . [blahblahblah] He held an ivory-topped cane that he tapped softly on the cement floor, as if he were already bored." Really? That's supposed to scare me? Worse than PASSION."
September 4, 2011 –
page 266
62.59% "I honestly think it was scarier when Ivy predicted it than when Satan (I can't bring myself to call him Big Daddy) confirmed it. Just sayin'."
September 4, 2011 –
page 270
63.53% "HAHAHAH. The angels are on the A-Team. Satan is AWESOME! (And not in the way it first seems.)"
September 4, 2011 –
page 278
65.41% "Oh, lordy. Molly and Gabriel? Molly+Gabriel=Rose+Dimka"
September 4, 2011 –
page 284
66.82% "So now Jake is trying to help her?"
September 4, 2011 –
page 291
68.47% "Oh yeah. I forgot her last name was Church. *snickers*"
September 4, 2011 –
page 308
72.47% "How has she been watching these guys for so long?"
September 5, 2011 –
page 344
80.94% "[image error]"
September 5, 2011 –
page 344
80.94% ""
September 5, 2011 –
page 347
81.65% ""Being kept in a cage doesn't do much for the complexion." You are SO cool right now, Bethie-Lou."
September 5, 2011 –
page 350
82.35% "Jakie-Lou wants to put a fucking LEASH on her! BWAHAHA! This is amazing."
September 5, 2011 –
page 389
91.53% "BAHAHAHAHAHA! *SPOILER* "I just always imagined it would be with him," I murmured almost to myself. [Jake made her a deal that he'd save Xavier if she slept with him] "I know," Jake said, his voice drenched with exaggerated sympathy. "And usually I'd be more than open to the prospect of a threesome, but under such circumstances I think it might be a little awkward." Jake, you are a badass."
September 5, 2011 –
page 424
99.76% "Dafuck?"
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: awkward
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: deathly-long-descriptions
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: doesnt-deserve-the-goodreads-rating
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: ending-sucked
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: friends-hate-it
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: just-bought
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: main-character-deserves-death
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: mega-awesome-cover
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: started-slow
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: this-series-just-got-way-better
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: wish-it-was-a-standalone
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: wish-series-was-shorter
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: ★★★
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: plot-devices-gone-awry
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: deus-ex-machina-alert
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: prose-is-purple-as-barney
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: purple-prose
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: amateur-author
September 5, 2011 – Shelved as: editor-quit-halfway-through
September 5, 2011 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-11 of 11 (11 new)

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hayden Why can't you edit status updates?
*too young
*HALO.


message 2: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert *awaits review*


message 3: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert ”He wore a white linen suit with a red silk tie and his feet were encased in white cowboy boots. He held an ivory-topped cane that he tapped softly on the cement floor... His skin was tanned and leathery and his eyes were a pellucid blue but devoid of any expression. He was immaculately groomed and wore his silver hair tied back loosely with a gilded clasp."

AHAHAHAHAHA! What the hell? He sounds like a...okay, there isn't much to describe what he sounds like. The leathery skin part is really what threw me out of balance. Such a fail description...

Awesome review Hayden!


hayden Mello wrote: "”He wore a white linen suit with a red silk tie and his feet were encased in white cowboy boots. He held an ivory-topped cane that he tapped softly on the cement floor... His skin was tanned and le..."

Thanks!
Yeah. I could barely contain myself from full-on laughter. It was that bad.


message 5: by Cait (new) - rated it 1 star

Cait @Mello, I know, right? That's part of the reason why, when I read that section, that I immediately thought of Colonel Sanders from KFC with that and the white suit. She should have said his skin was white and smooth, or tan and smooth, not all wrinkly. People don't have wrinkly skin when they're only (according to Bethany) 35-40! God.


message 6: by John (new) - rated it 1 star

John Egbert AHAHA! Colonel Sanders! Devil's chicken anyone? What do you mean no? Who can refuse a free 6 piece (16 piece? I have no idea how or why they call it that...), from hell or not?


message 7: by Cait (new) - rated it 1 star

Cait Hahaha ayah I know right!?! That's what I put in my review for Hades! She made him so un scary it's hilarious. Pfffttt I sure as he'll ( ha ha pun ) can't!!! 16 pics of devil's chicken, dayyyummmmmm!


hayden Dreamer wrote: "It sounds like the Devil looks a bit like Doug Dimmadome from The Fairly Odd Parents."

:O


hayden Dreamer wrote: "It sounds like the Devil looks a bit like Doug Dimmadome from The Fairly Odd Parents."

:O :O :O :O :O YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT!


message 10: by [deleted user] (new)

Jake=MAJOR badass.
And yeah! I love Vampire Academy, but Romitri SUCKS!


Emokin Skywanker Aww, I thought the confused line about "bling" and "homies" was cute, and fitting to what Beth's character was supposed to be, but the rest is A+.

Christian mythology is such an interesting subject with so much writing potential, but angsty conservative teenagers need to keep their angst out of it.


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