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| B07V6FQ8Y8
| 3.00
| 3
| unknown
| Jul 09, 2019
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the discovery of this book's existence has made me realize that i have been away from the world of monsterotica for far too long. so many monsterporn
the discovery of this book's existence has made me realize that i have been away from the world of monsterotica for far too long. so many monsterporn trees falling in the monsterporn forest, unheard by me. this ends now.
...more
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none
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0
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not set
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not set
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Jul 14, 2019
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Kindle Edition
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| B07K5XMYMN
| 3.47
| 17
| unknown
| Nov 03, 2018
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my monsterporn read of the month. i am a little bit late. unlike the arrival of christmas decorations. i am also much less sexxy than the unexpectedly
my monsterporn read of the month. i am a little bit late. unlike the arrival of christmas decorations. i am also much less sexxy than the unexpectedly early arrival of christmas decorations. merry tingleverse. ...more |
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1
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Dec 27, 2018
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Dec 27, 2018
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Dec 27, 2018
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| B00AU8XC3Y
| 3.44
| 43
| Dec 21, 2012
| Dec 28, 2012
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my monsterporn read for november, cutting it pretty close this month. i still haven't reviewed the last couple of months' offerings. i need to be more my monsterporn read for november, cutting it pretty close this month. i still haven't reviewed the last couple of months' offerings. i need to be more disciplined! meant as an adjective, not a verb. please do not send any tentacles my way. ...more |
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Nov 30, 2018
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Nov 30, 2018
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Nov 30, 2018
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ebook
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| B00K9X8ML2
| 2.50
| 2
| May 11, 2014
| May 11, 2014
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my monsterporm read of the month [image] REVIEW TO COME! |
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Oct 21, 2018
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Oct 22, 2018
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Oct 21, 2018
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| Jan 14, 2015
| Jan 14, 2015
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[image] this is a story about a girl who has sex with ten scarecrows. not in the ordinary way, where she’s done some self-reflection and realized that [image] this is a story about a girl who has sex with ten scarecrows. not in the ordinary way, where she’s done some self-reflection and realized that her personal sexual preferences skew towards men filled with straw and her dating life reflects this pattern thereafter. [image] [image] no, this is a welcome to monsterporn. [image] here’s the setup, because backstory is what separates man booker winning monsterporn from run of the mill monsterporn. it begins like a traditional new england ghost story: Every small town has its legends, whether it’s alligators in the sewers or a headless horseman on the old bridge. Our little corner of the world is no exception. and in this corner of the world, the local legend is old man morgan - a man who has been known as old man morgan, who has been an old man as long as anyone can remember. or at least, as long as mckenzie, a toned twenty-one-year old woman, can remember. which we know because she says: I’ve been hearing about Old Man Morgan for as long as I can remember… in other words, ‘for somewhat less than twenty-one years.’ not that long in the grand scheme of things, but she also says she remembers her grandfather telling stories about old man morgan, and in those stories, he was also old. so - clearly some supernatural shit going on here. we don’t know the nature of these stories, presumably they were just “that guy is old.” [image] anyway, so mckenzie lives next door to old man morgan, whose biiiiig spooooky deal seems to be that he rarely leaves his property, sits on the porch a lot, and has unkempt crops. clearly there is something…elderly going on here. so mckenzie is used to seeing old man morgan sitting on his front porch, being all ruminative and shit, but she’s seeing even more of him now that she’s had to walk to work every day, since her license was revoked due to a recent bout of speeding tickets. what we know from these facts: 1) she is fast 2) she doesn’t follow the rules 3) she’s a 21 year old hottie and NO ONE will drive her to work? 4) she lives within walking distance to work which makes her kind of an asshole for driving there in the first place. but back to old man morgan. Now that I’ve been walking, however, I see him literally every evening. It’s kind of terrifying how familiar the two of us have gotten, sharing a distant nod and wave as I pass by his property every day and night. oh, man - if you think THAT is too familiar, if you think THAT is terrifying, well, you’ve got some surprises in store for you tonight, girl. [image] And, of course, there’s also the scarecrows. [image] now we’re talking… because, mister perpetual geezer has a lot of scarecrows on his property. and he seems to be very involved with these scarecrows. …his apparent addiction to both placing, and moving, various scarecrows about his property is more than a little odd. I’ve never personally seen him move the straw men himself, but they seem to end up anywhere and everywhere, sometimes out by the road and sometimes back near the porch, right next to Morgan’s rocking chair. There was one morning where I even awoke to find a scarecrow planted right on the edge of Old Man Morgan’s cornfield, looking directly into the window of my bedroom. I laughed it off, but I have to admit that I was more than a little unsettled by the strange discovery. [image] mckenzie gets it into her head that she’s going to get to the bottom of the great morgan mystery and one night after work she wanders on over. The sun has just made it’s final exit as I saunter along the old country road towards home if you thought i was calling that sentence out to make fun of its misplaced apostrophe, this must be your first monsterporn review. no, i am calling it out because apparently THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD AND GOODBYE SUN FOREVER. [image] Second’s later, I begin to make my way up the driveway towards him. [image] what we learn from this paragraph: 1) that - yeah, sometimes, even in a monsterporn, imma call out a misplaced apostrophe. 2) that her name is mckenzie, and i apologize for revealing that fact earlier without an omg spoilers warning 3) that his name is john morgan!!! [image] (somewhere, two people laugh) 4) they are reciprocal stalkers - she knows he doesn’t get a lot of visitors, he knows exactly how old she is. this is unusual for people who have only recently developed a “waving hello” relationship. 4a) it also establishes that she is of age for boning, which is another omg spoiler fact i prematurely ejaculated onto this review. apologies all around. It becomes immediately clear that John may be mysterious, but he’s nowhere near the monster that everyone else tries to make him out to be. Sitting up here in the still of the night and looking out of the fields of corn, I’m shocked at how natural it all feels. This life seems to be one of ease and comfort, and I like it. no one’s actually said he’s a monster, though. one of her co-workers at the diner said they thought he was a vampire, but since we know he sits on his front porch all day, her friend at the diner seems to not know how vampires work. [image] mckenzie's “shock” over how “natural” it feels to, what - sit on a porch? is as bonkers as her ‘i have sat here for two minutes and have already drawn a conclusion about what this life is and how i feel about it.’ she proves herself to be a master of the small talk: “You sit out here a lot.” I observe. John nods. “I sure do, not a lot else for me to do after all this time.” which provides her with the perfect opening to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF OLD MAN MORGAN’S DEAL! (omg spoiler - later on, she will herself provide the perfect opening and others will get to her bottom and her deal) [image] but BEFORE ALL THAT, she comes right out and asks him how old he is and he makes her guess and go through all this blahblah that is keeping readers from their scarecrow porn and eventually he confesses he is “around” 200 years old, as far as he can remember, not blessed with eternal youth, but cursed with eternal life. and then she asks about the scarecrows and then he tells her about the scarecrows [image] to info dump so we can get to the scarecrow gangbang already (omg spoiler alert #4? #5? who’s keeping track?) once upon a time, back when he had a wife and a reasonable lifespan, “the devil stopped by.” naturally the devil was in the form of a woman, and she wanted to buy john morgan’s land. [image] and why? because apparently old man morgan’s property was maaaaagical, or in the extremely specific wording of the devil/old man morgan’s recollections of the devil: She said it was some kind of supernatural place that she needed for some reason or another. devil always did have a silver tongue. so, she offered him “all the money I could ever ask for,” and morgan said NO, because he didn’t want to make a deal with the devil. [image] but this is the DEVIL after all, and the devil will fuck you with or without your consent, so for NOT making a deal with the devil, morgan is cursed: ”She told me that if I was so attached to the land then I could just stay here forever with nobody but the scarecrows to keep me company.” [image] translation: morgan would never age a day. his wife died, he lived on, "…stuck sitting here staring at these god damn scarecrows” year after year and yadda. but, it’s still immortality, right? it’s not the worst deal. i’m holding the story to its own facts when it said he was “rarely” seen off his property, so clearly he can leave it. sure, immortality would get lonesome, but look - he’s lured a nubile girl to his porch, he can read all the books, wisdom-drenched mckenzie’s already proclaimed it to be a life of ease and comfort, what are you complaining about, old man morgan?? oh, you wish you had a way to get out of this curse? because there IS a way to get out of this curse. and it’s fucking bonkers. brace yourself for monsterporn logic. SO - the scarecrows on his property are… alive and… imbued…with a powerful, magical lust. so what does that mean for old man morgan? well... “The only way to release me from this endless drudgery is to have sex with each and every one of those scarecrows. The devil made it that way because she knew that I could never be with someone other than my wife, even if they are made of straw.” that’s a rare kind of loyalty that can keep a man faithful hundreds of years after the death of his wife, and ironically, a loyalty that is preventing him from joining her in the afterlife, if you believe in that kind of thing. which i expect old man morgan does. SO, after that bizarre, uncomfortable infodump, john goes to bed and mckenzie cuts through the corn to get home, not believing morgan’s account that the scarecrows are living, horny beings, not when she can save like two minutes by walking through the corn, right? [image] but she probably should have believed him, ‘cuz when she trips over a stalk and falls down, she is suddenly surrounded by a collection of ten scarecrows, all of them dressed to the nines in old fashioned farming attire. no one said there would be math! even worse than math, I quickly realize that, to my horror, none of the scarecrows are propped up with the help of anything other than their own two legs and, scarier still, they seem to be swaying back and forth with some sort of supernatural life force. In other words, the scarecrows are walking on their own. IN OTHER WORDS, maybe that’s what the old man was going on about with the living scarecrows and the curse and all. ya think? she doesn’t think. not yet. but then, The scarecrows simply stand, silent but at full attention. It’s only then that I notice what else is at full attention, their massive scarecrow cocks. the scarecrows standing and walking on their own, that could just be a coincidence, but the COCKS? now i believes the coot! I now realize that the scarecrows are waiting for my cue, not with aggression but with patience.They’ve been here for years, decades even, yearning for someone to come along and release them from a curse of their own.The strangest thing about all of this, though, is that fact that these animated scarecrow bodies actually kind of turn me on. but don’t worry, it’s not that mckenzie is crazy. she’s not turned on by the scarecrows, per se, but by the fact that they must be so god damn horny by now, forever waiting for someone to come along and provide them with that aching release. by that reasoning, you would think there'd be any number of involuntarily celibate individuals she could have hooked up with long before resorting to scarecrows. but not, i suppose, in this particular cornfield. she begins to interview the straw-filled gents in a rather damningly leading line of questioning: “What is it?”I stammer, looking up at the scarecrows as I sit up onto my knees.“Do you… want me?” The scarecrows nod slightly, their eyes black and vacant. [image] “Do you want to all fuck me at the same time?”I coo, enjoying the tension.“Do you want to take me in every hole?” they do not answer - they’re scarecrows after all, silly, and nobody likes a thirsty bitch. [image] so mckenzie takes the initiative, grabbing a scarecrow dong in each hand and going nuts, using the excuse that all monsterotica heroines fall back on, all wide-eyed with plausible deniability: I’m too overwhelmingly horny to think, completely consumed by my arousal. yeah, yeah, yeah. Somewhere deep down inside, a voice is yelling for me to stop and think about what I’m doing, but it’s too faint and at this point I’m not really interested in listening. does no still mean no when it’s your own no? [image] but back to the straw hogs. back in 2013, when i reviewed Taken By the Scarecrow, i shared my feelings about straw in an erotic context. poky. ouchie. no one’s having any fun with that. [image] but mckenzie's her own escalating sexual circus act: two handies becoming two handies and a blowie, becoming two handies and two simultaneous blowies and how is blood not being drawn? she’s a generous lover, if nothing else, making sure everyone gets a little action, rotating, burning the candle at both ends, as it were. Lost in a sea of frantic nymphomania, I take one of the scarecrow dicks and shove it down my throat as far as I can, gag reflex be damned. Somehow, I manage to loosen up enough to take the creature all the way into the depths of my neck, his entire length consumed as his balls hang on my chin and his abs press hard against my face. what we have learned from these two sentences: 1) it seems like it is time once again to dust off the old throat v. neck lesson. think of it this way. it is a turtleneck, not a turtlethroat. you can’t deepneck someone. [image] 2) it is hard enough for me to visualize what a penis made of straw looks like. but why do these scarecrows have balls and abs? BALLS AND ABS, PEOPLE! [image] anyway, banging commences. so much banging. so many “graceful slams.” [image] and then this: I’m propelled backwards onto the other creatures shaft, back and forth between them like a good old-fashioned game of Cornhole. apparently (and i had to look this up) this is the game of cornhole: [image] which means i have been playing it wrong my whole life. then more bang bang bang, go the scarecrows, everyone taking turns for politeness, and mckenzie leans into feminist backsliding. I submit to the monsters completely, satisfied with my position as a pretty young fuck toy for these strange, paranormal creatures as they take turns swapping in and out of my holes. [image] oh, mckenzie… [image] Moments later, though, another one of the strange beasts positions himself behind me, causing me to freeze up with apprehensive concern. [image] really, mckenzie? this is your line in the sand? you’ve just greenlit ten different scarecrows into your wonderland of a body, spreadeagled in a devil-cursed field, buggy cornhusks rucked up beneath you, soil in your crevices, and this is where you pause because dirty? in any case, it’s a real short pause and then DUAL SHAFT INVASION!! just not orally this time. [image][image] then all ten of them stand in a circle over her and jerk off, covering her face and body with jizz. [image] and immediately, immediately, while she’s still trying to wipe the cornballery out of her eyes, they vanish, never to return. [image] which is either unforgivably rude or a huge relief, because that was gonna be some awkward pillow talk. and then, AND THEN!! the next day, john morgan dies, having had his curse lifted by proxy, i suppose but JEEZ LOUISE, i understand him being all ‘no homo, scarecrows’ because fucking a scarecrow is dumb, but how embarrassed must he be now in this afterlife with his wife to not have realized that someone else could have banged his scarecrows all this time. [image] AND THAT WAS AUGUST'S MONSTERPORN! [image]come to my blog! ...more |
Notes are private!
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none
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1
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Aug 15, 2018
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Aug 15, 2018
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Aug 15, 2018
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Kindle Edition
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| B01NATXDGF
| 3.50
| 14
| unknown
| Jan 15, 2017
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FLOATS ARE GOOD FOR SHARKWEEKS AND VALENTINES!!!! *********************************************** HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating FLOATS ARE GOOD FOR SHARKWEEKS AND VALENTINES!!!! *********************************************** HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "romance week." hey, beasts - bring on the romance! *********************************************** [image] it’s always a good sign when the first word of a book is a typo. followed shortly thereafter by another typo: A haven’t talked with Cort in ages, and it’s certainly good to see his face against as we stare at one another across the table… all quotes in this book are [sic]. but not “sick” because love is love, even betwixt man and ancient monstershark [image] morn and cort are two old buds catching up over some chocolate milk, which as you know, is an intoxicant in the tingleverse. cort is embittered, finding no pleasure in life, and morn - inebriated and impatient, calls him out on this negativity: ”I’m not negative,” counters Cort. “I’m just realistic. We can’t all be like you and just blindly believe that everything is great. Things are getting worse. Love is not real.” this upsets morn and he storms off in a huff ”Where are you going?” Cort stammers, chasing after me. “To prove love is real,” I tell him. “I’m going for a swim!” whether or not this would beget ironclad proof of love’s existence, i don’t know. logic is a little screwy in monsterotica. but morn thinks it’s a sensible plan, and off he runs to see it through, only we don’t know how this grand romantic gesture panned out because morn is, after all, five chocolate milks to the wind [image] and there’s a lacuna in the text that resumes with him waking up on his couch, bleary-eyed, memory foggy, confronted by a breaking news story about a shark who has been jumped. a handsome, prehistoric shark who lives in the bay nearby. reporters are horrified, witnesses dismayed, but that’s no reason not to drop some wikipedia-flavored factoids, tingle-style: ”I think he should go to jail for what he’s done, jumping that handsome Carcharodon Megalodon like that. That ancient shark measuring up to fifty nine feet in length never hurt nobody!” you know what else never hurt nobody? a little bit of winky meta-commentary: “You know I thought it was funny at first, but it’s just the same jump over and over again!” [image] but now we gotta get serious because shark jumping is serious bizzness indeed, with serious penalties, as we learn when morn wonders aloud Could I really have been trying to prove love so hard that I jumped the shark? and does a bing search (A BING SEARCH!!!) inquiring, What is the punishment for jumping sharks? only to learn - The punishment for jumping sharks, prehistoric or otherwise, is complete and utter exile from all civilization, banished to a life of wandering meaninglessly through the desert wasteland. [image] in order to avoid prosecution, he heads back to the scene of the crime in order to apologize to the handsome ancient shark, but when he finds him, there don’t seem to be any hard feelings. BUT BE PATIENT - HARD FEELINGS WILL SOON BE HARD speaking of patient, that’s actually who the megalodon is waiting for, there in the middle of the bay ”Are you the ambulance boat?” the prehistoric shark asks, gnashing his rows of seemingly endless, razor-sharp teeth....more |
Notes are private!
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none
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1
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Jul 22, 2018
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Jul 22, 2018
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Jul 22, 2018
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Kindle Edition
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| B00QZGR88A
| 3.31
| 51
| Dec 12, 2014
| Dec 12, 2014
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Despite his cheery smile and cookie buttons, despite his iconic status, this gingerbread man was no mere cookie brought to life. She had created a mon
Despite his cheery smile and cookie buttons, despite his iconic status, this gingerbread man was no mere cookie brought to life. She had created a monster, a being of pure, unbridled lust. when it comes to monsterotica, Fannie Tucker is one of the all-time greats. not only did she presage Chuck Tingle in the category of “i can make ANYTHING sexxy, just try me,” with stories such as [image] and [image] she also boldly reversed the natural order of monsterporn by substituting passive for active voice in the title of her seminal work I Fucked the Puppet. although scholars disagree about who is being fucked by whom in the text, there is no question that tucker’s use of the rhyming couplet is the work of a writer at the peak of her climax: - This is the only face I’ve got! I’d like to bury it in your twat! - You dance like a magical fairy! Between those boobs, my face I’ll bury! - Hooray, this blowjob is first class! Put your fingers in my ass! she continues to hone her craft here, with an uplifting holiday tale of a beleaguered small business owner who, overwhelmed by the demands of running a bakery and the prospect of the lonely christmas ahead, makes a wish that comes true and additionally, comes all over her, saving her business and her business with a coating of magical jizz. [image] longtime galpals kara and allison have been running a bakery together for about a year, and are preparing for the winter holiday rush. but kara is undone by math and miscalculates the measurements. by a LOT: ”I thought this seemed like a lot for a hundred cookies. Did we make a double batch?” Kara winced. “No…we made ten times too much.” [image] oh, dear. you would think a proper baker would have noticed that, right? or two bakers? who have been running a bakery together for a whole year? my recipe for gingerbread calls for 1 egg per three dozen cookies, and these damsels thought they were making 100 cookies, which should be about three eggs, if my recipe is the gold standard for gingerbread recipes, and it is. TEN TIMES more than 100 cookies and you’re talking about a significant number of eggs, my friend, [image] enough so a savvy baker would pause for a moment to lick the tip of a pencil and carry some ones. but they’re not very good bakers, or businesswomen: Neither woman had really understood the hard reality of running a small business, and so far they hadn’t accomplished much, unless you counted draining their savings accounts and putting a strain on their friendship. fed up with Kara and The Too-Many Eggs (Baby-Sitters Club Special Edition #45), alison leaves in disgust, abandoning her sister-baker for the snuggly arms of her man at home, and kara is left with a hundred pounds of sticky dough and a cloudlayer of despair, thinking, nobody on earth wanted this much gingerbread. maybe not, kara, maybe not when it is just in a lump on your table, but what if…. struck by a jolt of inspiration, kara decides to make a full-sized gingerbread man for the shop window, just under six feet with a “big round head” and “blocky arms and legs,” [image] but again - measuring is hard and “there was still a bit of dough left, a cylindrical lump several inches long.” when in doubt, make a dong. obviously she’s too much of a pro to leave the gingerdong on when it’s window-displaying time, but as a frisky impulse that anticipates the girlish giggles she and allison will share like some wide-awake slumber party, it’s worth it. after all, they could still display him in the storefront window after they broke the penis off. It would make a good snack while they decorated cookies. [image] so, into the oven goeth her man, and in a mere 15 minutes, he’s hot and ready: Her gingerbread man had plumped a bit as he cooked, and his arms and legs were as thick as a real man’s. The penis she’d grafted onto his body had swollen as well. The pornographic confection stood enormous and erect, its tip almost touching the oven’s ceiling. Somehow, she’d gotten the shape of it just right, from the swell of its head to the slightly curved shaft. When she thought about what Allison might say when she saw it, Kara blushed. She hadn’t mean to make it that big. and yet she HAD, apparently, meant to make it stand straight out perpendickular to the body, instead of in a penis’ more traditional ready position? erections, how do they work? [image] at any rate, kara goes to work, giving him eyes, a mouth, and some “festive trim” around his wrists and ankles [image] and kara looked over all she had made and saw that it was very good. Her eyes lingered on his gingerbread member, and she felt a pang of longing. How long had it been since she’d gotten laid? 1) long enough to forget how erections work, amiright? 2) and long enough that fucking a cookie is looking pretty good right about now. [image] oh shit, should i have said “spoiler alert?” spoiler alert - in this book, kara will be ravaged by the gingerbread man ”I wish you were a real man,” she said, putting her hand on the still-warm gingerbread man’s arm. The gingerbread man just lay there, cock and smile pointed at the ceiling.” that’s a cold thing to say to a still-warm cookie, kara. especially one with some weird-ass half-mast mutant cock you designed so poorly. [image] but then - a christmas miracle!! her gingerbread man comes ALIVE! and… he’s …. well, he’s all ready to be a real boy [image][image] with real boy needs He held a glazed donut in one blocky hand, and as she watched, he stuck it on the end of his big, doughy manhood. His gingerbread hips thrust up into the donut, but she’d made him too thick for the donut hole, and he split it in two as he tried to stick his cock in it. [image] OUCH! you play too rough! fortunately, kara’s vagina is not made out of dough, and even though it’s been a while, the gingerbread man will find her donut hole more accommodating. [image] [image] [image] i need to take a moment aside to grin and giggle about Fannie Tucker’s particular brand of monsterlover. she certainly has a type, and this cookie is eerily reminiscent of dongo, the jolly titular puppet from I Fucked the Puppet: [image] whose romantic patter consisted of those celebrated rhymed couplets delivered in a silly voice and punctuated frequently with the ejaculation, “uh-hoo! uh-hoo!” this gingerbread fella, well he’s cut from the same mold. this is their meet-cute moment, with the crumbs of a fucked-to-death donut still spilling from his fist: Grinning at her with his wide icing mouth, he spoke in a high, cheery voice. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! As much as I can! I need to fuck things, I’m the gingerbread man!” and, because his utterances continue to be really first-rate, i need to share a few more. -”Suck, suck, suck! As hard as you can! You’re gonna blow me, I’m the gingerbread man!” -Strip, strip, strip! Take off those pants! You’re gonna be impaled on my gingerbread lance! -”Fuck, fuck, fuck! As hard as I can! I’m gonna pound you, I’m the gingerbread man!” [image] amazing. just amazing. so, yeah, plenty of cookie sex occurs. kara is confounded by the fact that he has so many working parts she never gave him, like elbows and vocal cords and most importantly, a tongue, which she discovers when “she felt his sticky icing mouth nuzzle her crotch,” which sounds so messy and gross, and the whole sex act with a cookie seems creepy, especially after the afterglow wears off and she sees his little icing eyes are all but smeared away after he rubbed them all over her butt when he was spelunking. [image] but she’s also shaken by her role in creating him - not only did she bring life into this world, but she created a sugary sex addict. ”This can’t be happening, “ Kara said. “You’re not real. I fell asleep or…and why are you so filthy? Gingerbread men are supposed to be sweet and crunchy, not nasty perverts.” “You made me this way, you can lay me this way! You can! You can!” [image] it’s a sobering thing for her, knowing she's responsible for bringing such ick into the world, and she makes a vow: She resolved to be more careful what she wished for in the future. her shame and bewilderment do not last very long at all, with the beautiful simplicity of monsterotica: Kara put aside the absurdity of what was happening and lost herself in the blowjob… and all of the other sensations a cookie can ignite in a lady. “Pleasure swelled inside of her, rising like a perfectly baked soufflé, and she moaned. “Oh god, I’m gonna come, gingerbread man!” maybe she’s a baker after all… but cookiepuss says NO: [image] “No, no, no! Your pussy is wet! But you’re not quite ready for my gingerbread yet!” and then he… uses a rolling pin upon her in a most unsuitable way, committing many health code violations. of course, splayed all over the table as she is, she’s already left that A from the health inspector far behind, especially since this is all happening right in front of that giant picture window like she’s in some gluttonous peep show. [image] what i learned - a rolling pin is a poor lover but so is a man who is also a cookie: She clawed at his back, raking deep furrows in his doughy flesh that left chunks of gingerbread beneath her nails. [image] now who's too rough, kara? another thing i learned which has more to do with the review than the book, but it is a useful tip - never GIS phrases like “magical jizz” or “ginger fucker” or “sex cookie” without ALSO typing in lol. because the things you will see, my friends, they are not right. i need to wash away the memory of them with more cookie pillowtalk “Come, come, come! Fast as you can! I’m fuckin’ you hard, I’m the gingerbread man!” and finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for “Here we go! I’m gonna pop! And you’re gonna swallow every gingerbread drop!” WHAT COMES OUT OF THE “FAT LOAF” OF GINGERBREAD PEEN? The gingerbread man’s cum tasted like cinnamon roll frosting, the richest, creamiest frosting she’d ever tasted. [image] ever the professional, kara risks looking her gift horse in the…mouth, putting business before pleasure. “I’ve never tasted anything like …that.” She gestured toward the gingerbread man’s crotch. “Can I get the recipe?” way to ride the afterglow, kara. and then she’s waking up on the floor of her bakery - no pants, no shoes, “frosting” in her hair, and allison is tarriving with apologies for their fight and praise for the magnificent (clothed, unpeened) gingerbread man in the window and the tousled kara is very excited to tell her all about the new recipe she’s planning on “whipping up,” although the recipe given to her from misterginger sounds exhausting if we’re talking about a holiday rush, i worry that kara might be sucking at math again. Suck, suck suck for ten minutes on high heat. Fuck, fuck, fuck until thoroughly beat. Stroke, stroke, stroke until I come. Recipe makes one cup of delicious frosting. one cup is both an alarming amount of ejaculate and not enough frosting for bakery-running. but i do want make much enthusiastic applause over the fact that she is going to feed her monsterlover's jizz to her customers and that will be what, ultimately, saves the day, health department be damned. [image] i leave you with this: [image] [image] [image] [image] ********************************************** my monsterporn read of the month. [image] review to come. heh. [image]come to my blog! ...more |
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Jun 24, 2018
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Jun 24, 2018
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Kindle Edition
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| 1533050023
| 9781533050021
| 3.82
| 11
| unknown
| May 03, 2016
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my monsterporn read of the month. [image] although i appreciate the novelty of reading a monsterporn in hard (heh) copy, this one was both trying too ha my monsterporn read of the month. [image] although i appreciate the novelty of reading a monsterporn in hard (heh) copy, this one was both trying too hard and missing the point. matt shaw is an author who writes primarily in the extreme horror genre, but discovered monsterporn one day, as we all do, and decided to try his hand at it. as we all do. he began his journey with Fisting Rex: An Erotic Tale 65 Million Years in the Making., which i own but have not read, and followed it up with UniPorn, which he dedicates to the weird folk out there who like things different and no not care what people think of their choices. but then...someone... warns his fans in the “about the author" preface: Talking to Shaw, he doesn’t know whether this will win him new readers or lose him some of his current fanbase. Whilst he hopes not to offend current readers and hopes the barmy nature of the book will be obvious enough to them that they don’t give it a go unless curious - he has never been an author who is put off from writing something because it isn’t the “normal” thing to do. More than once he has written stories which have pushed the boundaries of decency and risked his career. A true belief that, without putting yourself out there, you can never truly achieve your best. Whether dinosaur porn is his best is down to you…One thing is for sure, though…Matt Shaw will keep writing and he hopes you stick with him although - in an erotic book - perhaps a better phrase is required? and shaw further distances himself from what he’s just written at the end before listing some of his other, more typical, works: Remember: Matt Shaw is not known for these books although he is having a blast writing them for you. i'm not so sure someone whose titles include Some Kind of Cu*t and Rotting Dead F*cks needs to be so precious about possibly squicking out his fans with alt-erotica. or worrying that he’s slumming, casting his pearls before swine by dipping into the monsterotica pool. also blurring out the phallus-horn on the cover is pretty lame. [image] i’ve read oodles of monsterotica, and it’s rarely successful when people who aren’t really into the scene but think they get what makes it fun try their hand at writing it. because you can sense the detachment throughout, the way they try too hard to construct a story around the sex, thinking that the appeal is simply the presence of a human and a nonhuman having sex. the creature in his book is not sentient, has no agency or intent, and isn’t choosing to be on camera having sex with human women. [image] it’s not even a proper unicorn. UniPorn was the name given to the majestic animal by the visionary director who found him standing alone in a field that was owned by no one. The director presumed he had wandered off from where he lived, or was wild. The truth was crueller and - actually - no one else wanted the horse due to his deformity. From a distance - and at a glance - he appeared normal but when you got closer, you realised something was very, very different. On his forehead was an unusual appendage shaped very much like a penis but not. It was rigid to the touch, this fleshy appendage. To the innocent eyes it gave him the appearance of a mythological unicorn. To the director though - with a lifetime of pornographic films behind him - it gave him the appearance of an actual dickhead. There’s a market for pretty much everything but the director knew, a film called “dickhead” probably wouldn’t make much of a splash in the already oversaturated market place. And then - just like that - UniPorn was born. [image] it’s not even a proper penis. [image] and in every scene in which he’s brought in to perform on-camera, this unicorn/deformed horse may as well be a stuffed animal with some dildos glued on. it’s all passive voice prop work: UniPorn was put in another contraption - also green so it could be removed in the editing suite. He was put in a seated position which was entirely unnatural for an animal like this. It wasn’t human after all and horses didn’t tend to sit upright and yet…here he was. Proud erection on show. this is not the spirit of monsterporn. this is just a couple of girls in the adult film profession desperately trying to scrape together enough money before aging out of the good roles by having sex with a horse who is probably bewildered and uncomfortable. everyone’s exploited, everything’s a drag. [image] even the sex scenes are dull, and this is coming from someone who thinks all sex scenes are dull, but i’m still able to tell that these are basic AF: She wanted to feel his huge hard-on stretch her well-lubricated pussy. yawn [image] while this story has as many typos and autofill errors as a real-true monsterporn, Scenes with stepdaughters who needed tuition in how to suck their boyfriend’s erect penis…, it’s too concerned with framing the sex acts within a narrative. monsterporn doesn’t need a raison d'être. it doesn’t need an explanation about how this creature was found, how it got from the field to the bedroom, no one needs to know how these films were received, or even that they won awards. no one cares that UniPorn himself won as best stud when he’s not anthropomorphic enough to appreciate any of it. and then, when these multiple award-winning films become illegal, and the porn industry is faced with pushback on ethical standards, it apparently throws up its hands and retreats into the night. where the anthropomorphic manifestation of the porn industry is NOT sexxed-upon by a vampire or an owl or whatever else dwells in darkness awaiting chuck tingle to think about it fucking something. [image] a 12-inch missed opportunity, that. both of thats. it's too detailed about all the wrong things. there are suggestive words scattered in, but film crit is film crit, even when it’s porn: A bedroom set had been made up in the corner of the room. Bright lighting rigs shone down on the scene, lighting it up for the recording cameras - of which there were two. A woman was lying on the bed - naked. Her cunt glistening in the light with the wetness from the lubrication. Given the fact that she was supposed to be disappointed with the lover standing before her, though, Jenna couldn’t help but think this was poor continuity. They should have applied the lubricants before the girl’s next scene - the scene where she is supposed to appear wet and ready. She is there, disappointed and yet she is visibly dripping. [image] all of which makes this not very much fun to review. the back cover claims it was “banned for sale on kindle,” and that might be true, but considering how much dirtydirty smut has not been banned for sale on kindle (including his other erotic title Fisting Rex: An Erotic Tale 65 Million Years in the Making.), there’s something else behind that than just content. matt shaw is british (in case the “barmy” at the beginning didn’t tip you off), so it’s possible this is specific to kindle UK, which i imagine is classier than here in the USofAss. if you’re considering a move into monsterporn from another neighborhood in the bookworld, this may well delight you, but for fans of the genre or for people like me who are fans of writing reviews for the genre, it’s missing the drunksparkling je ne sais quoi of the good stuff. [image] ...more |
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May 24, 2018
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May 24, 2018
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Paperback
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| B00KY0NHH4
| 3.27
| 11
| Jun 11, 2014
| Jun 11, 2014
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "roma HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "romance week." hey, beasts - bring on the romance! *********************************************** [image] (stuffed) animals are dirrrrty!! first, a little monsterotica welcome/advance warning (spoiler-tagged for those of you who want to get right to the good stuff) (view spoiler)[if you’re new to me, welcome. i enjoy reviewing monsterporn. if you are a person offended by adult language, sexual situations, frank discussions of genital possibilities, or sexual congress between humans and entities or sentient/ambulatory objects that are not human, this is not a review you wanna read. if you are a person outraged by encountering “spoilers” in reviews of 12-30 page erotica, this is not a review you wanna read. if you are a person who hates GIFs, this is not a review you wanna read. if you are a person who enjoys monsterporn for its literary merit or sexxiness, without also being able to laugh at its baked-in absurdity, this may not be a review you wanna read. i am not mean-spirited and i’m making no judgments about what folks want to read or write, but i need to get my giggles where i can, and monsterotica has consistently cheered me up. my primary concerns are plausibility/logic (“can that even fit in there?”), hygiene (“should that go in there?”), self-regard/dignity of heroine (“girl, you gonna let that thing put that there?”), etc, but i’m flexible, depending on what the story inspires in me. spoiler alert - it will never be “sexy feelings.” (hide spoiler)] here’s what’s what. anna works r&d for a toy company and she loves her job, ...playing with puzzles, stuffed bears and building blocks. she is several safety years over the age of eighteen, but still filled with youthful verve. and she’s beautiful. and blonde. with a perfect body. facts which make their way to us through anna’s narration, but which should be assumed, because at its core, all monsterotica is just Beauty and the Beast grown up. [image] so, youthful-but-legal anna’s company has just moved to a new building, where additional expansion-construction continues in an adjacent lot, allowing the author to note, with some foreshadowing wordplay, the "excessive drilling sounds that echo through the air like a constant alarm." oh, there's goan be some excessive drilling sounds, my friends. [image] but, less "hunk," more "hunka plastic" [image] stop crying - you were warned about spoilers. the noise isn’t the only downside to the new digs - ever since relocating, there have been hiccups: several of the toys in research and development have started malfunctioning, becoming hard to program and functionally inconsistent. the affected toys have been rounded up and placed in a locked room, including some bears that anna’s workpal garth had been working on. additional foreshadowing wordplay: “As far as I knew we had another two months of funding on that thing and then suddenly they just came in and pulled the plug.” “Pulled the plug?” I ask, brushing a strand of long blonde hair out of my face. “On your bears?” then anna and garth witness something they oughtn’t and garth sums it up in yet ANOTHER phrase dripping with suggestive foreshadowy word choices ”Something shady was going on and now it’s coming back to bite them in the ass.” and what is that something shady, you ask? (provided you have not read the summary of this story that goodreads has supplied above?) Ruby let’s out a long sigh. “After buying this property we quickly went to work investing millions in the foundations of our new Toy Link campus. You can imagine our surprise when, after receiving the deed for this land and breaking ground, we discovered that this location also happens to be the site of an old Native American graveyard.” i’m not sure how “ancient Indian burial ground” is any stronger word choice than “old Native American graveyard;” seems to me it’s just rudimentary thesaurusing, but we’re SO CLOSE to this story’s fifty shades of cray, let’s not even take a moment to pause here, except to note the final moment of dirrrrrty foreshadowing, as anna and garth receive a warning/threat/bribe about not telling anyone else about the We can do this the hard way, where I fire you both and slap you with a lawsuit, or the easy way, which means that you sign a few papers, I give you a bonus, and we never mention this again.” “I prefer the easy way.” I say. soon, anna will be 100% team hard way. [image][image][image][image] so, quickly through plottown - garth uses this knowledge as leverage to get his bears back, bosslady is all “sure, whatever, dude,” and he and anna go to the hazard room to collect the bears, when anna becomes locked inside the room full of “malfunctioning toys,” but also reports the presence of balloons and candy because i guess those things can malfunction, too? [image] but we’re not given too much time to dwell on what any of that means because the toys are very aware of this beautiful, blonde, totally of-age woman locked in their midst (although i’m not sure teddy bears recognize “age of consent” as a guideline. chilling thought, yes?) and here’s where it starts getting saucy, so avert your eyes, chilluns! [image] “Hello Anna.” The bear says in its strange mechanical tone. “Do you want to play?” it’s not the bear’s fault that this phrase is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies, along with its glowing red eyes, the flickering lights in the small room, the way those toys keep inching closer, and being locked in a room with no way out - it is malfunctioning, after all. [image] and it’s not anna’s fault that she’s super turned on when Without warning, a patch of fur starts to rise of from the bear’s stomach. It extends further and further until it unfurls completely and reveals a giant, fleshy cock standing at full attention. how unpredicktable! because apparently the result of building a toy factory on an ancient burial ground, in this world of impeckerable logic, not to bring back to life all that is buried therein, [image] but to turn the malfunctioning toys into malfucktioning ones. and to turn me into a horrible pun factory. and if you think anna’s going to bone a bear and call it a day, you have never read monsterporn. or found the come-hither look in a glassy eye to be irresistible [image] or ridden a toy for so long, you’ve stopped being able to tell where you ended and the toy began [image] or understood what "any port in a storm" meant firsthand [image] this is a straight-up toy orgy. [image] but it is the darndest thing: all the malfunctioning toys are male, and they all have very human-y peens, all “fleshy” and “vein-covered,” and the toy soldier has “plastic balls,” but a “warm and fleshy cock” and a “rigid plastic body.” [image] even the lego man (or, for legal reasons, no doubt, the “creature made entirely of multi-colored blocks”) has a “pink” and “human-like” peen that is not only big, but “enormously large.” she has brief romantic interludes with “an assortment of plastic super heroes” [image] and “an entire zoo full of stuffed animals, each and every one of them more hung than the next.” [image] which for her sake, i hope means “incrementally more hung,” since the very first toy-suitor was “giant.” (same cock later referred to as “massive”) [image] and it never stops being creepy. this reads more like horror than erotica to me: After making my way around the circle, sucking and stroking the toys in a slutty, blissed out trance, the small creatures start to become impatient. They paw at my clothes with their little plastic hands, pulling and tugging at my waistband until finally the whole sea of them overwhelms me and begins dragging me away from the door and towards the center of the room. [image] The rest of the toys are suddenly buzzing and beeping with excitement, immediately beginning to spring up erections of their own. They push forward, some bouncing on springs while others roll on small wheels as they surround me with a forest of dick. a forest of dick sounds pretty menacing to me. [image] the toys are bossy and insistent, and the most selfish of lovers, refusing to allow her to achieve climax - But the toys are ruthless, perfectly content on using me as nothing more than a human sex doll for their depraved desires. The role reversal is not lost on me, and somehow adds to the intense lustful feelings that swim across my brain. let this be a lesson to you. you treat toys like sex slaves [image] they’re gonna want a turn on top. but anna is not in the least bit turned off by this situation. [image] you betcha! and she’s quite vocal in her appreciation “I love the way you fuck me with your toy cocks!” I scream. “Pound that fucking ass and pussy!” until she is forced into silence as effectively as when you take the batteries out of a furby [image] My ranting is suddenly cut short by another dick as it’s plunged down my throat, cutting me off and successfully filling every one of my holes. I’m now completely at their whim, plugged at every end as the toys ravage my body. They slam into me over and over again with complete disregard for anything other than their own pleasure. she is miscounting her holes here, and you would think there would be some plastic army man, smurf figurine, or other size-appropriate fella willing to get all up in her nostrils or ear canals (or even attempt the urethra, despite all the traffic already crowding up that freeway) [image] “I need your cum all over me.” I command, realizing moments later that toys probably don’t have any cum to give. oho, never underestimate the power of the ancient indian burial ground! [image] they more than meet that challenge, leaving anna “glazed” and “laughing at the stark absurdity of this entire situation.” that makes two of us. for the second part. i am resolutely unglazed. but a good time was had by all, even though there's not much time for snuggly bear afterglow [image][image] before garth and the janitor get the door open, treated to the sight of a naked anna covered in toyjizz. they are horrified, she’s casual in her afterglow, the company panics about word of the “unexpected toy fucking” getting out, reparations are made, boners for all! [image] i think the company is just throwing away the opportunity to create the world's first bone-a-bear workshop, but what do i know about business? i do appreciate the graceful details, like how anna’s bear-targeted pronouns transition from “it” to “him” at the first moment of physical contact (i.e. - when she grabs his bear-dong), [image] which i would applaud as being a subtle commentary on intimacy and how we perceive others or achieve identity or mark that moment when someone moves out of the fuzzy background and into our inner circle, if there weren’t so many other moments of snoozy editing: I’m absolutely horrified, yet someone strangely aroused, as if under the influence of a powerful, ghostly aphrodisiac. although some of the ‘errors’ turn out as well as the pronoun one: As I let the stuff bear fuck my face, I reach out and grab another shaft in each hand, stroking expertly as the toys tremble with excitement. that's all i have in me for this one - i just want to ease myself back in the monsterporn-reviewing saddle, and i'd hate to pull something. but i did scatter this review with many opportunities to insert an LGM™ ("like greg's mom," for new friends), so have at it. (LGM) bai for now! [image] ******************************************* testing the theory that 2017 was such a garbage-fire of a year because i strayed from my love of reviewing monsterporn, i'm vowing to review at least one per month in 2018. today, i took the first step. look away, ye faint of heart, because soon there will be utter filth in this space. [image]come to my blog! ...more |
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Jan 09, 2018
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Jan 07, 2018
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Kindle Edition
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| B074RJFCYX
| 3.76
| 29
| unknown
| Aug 11, 2017
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unexpected freebie attached to Pounded In The Butt By The Unexpectedly Early Arrival Of Christmas Decorations!! best self-help book i ever read. review unexpected freebie attached to Pounded In The Butt By The Unexpectedly Early Arrival Of Christmas Decorations!! best self-help book i ever read. review to come. heh. come. ...more |
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Dec 27, 2018
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Jan 07, 2018
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| B00QVGSWHA
| 3.37
| 19
| Dec 10, 2014
| Dec 10, 2014
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2
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Feb 06, 2017
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Feb 11, 2017
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| unknown
| 3.93
| 92
| Oct 09, 2015
| Oct 09, 2015
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it was amazing
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WELCOME TO DECEMBER PROJECT! last year, amy(other amy) tipped me off to this cool thing she was doing: the short story advent calendar, where you sign WELCOME TO DECEMBER PROJECT! last year, amy(other amy) tipped me off to this cool thing she was doing: the short story advent calendar, where you sign up to this thingie here and you get a free story each day. i dropped the ball and by the time i came to my senses, it had already sold out, so for december project, i'm going rogue and just reading a free online story a day of my choosing. this foolhardy endeavor is going to screw up my already-deep-in-the-weeds review backlog, so i don't think i will be reviewing each individual story "properly." i might just do a picture review or - if i am feeling wicked motivated, i will draw something, but i can't be treating each short story like a real book and spending half my day examining and dissecting it, so we'll just see what shape this project takes as we go. and if you know of any particularly good short stories available free online, let me know! i'm no good at finding them myself unless they're on the tor.com site, and i only have enough at this stage of the game to fill half my calendar. <--- that part is no longer true, but i am still interested in getting suggestions! DECEMBER 14 [image] the thing about anonymous craigslist sex parties is that the lights are always off when you get there. good gravy, why did i wait so long to read this, loving julio as i do? and loving monsterporn as i do? and loving, as i do, people who do fun and spontaneous things like respond to challenges and write tentacle porn flash fiction live for an hour on twitter. and then have so much fun that the hour is insufficient for the amount of tent-porn suddenly flowing through a young man's mind and through his keyboard and into ... us! “take me apart,” you whisper. damn fine work. the lack of capital letters is what gets me the hottest. read it for yourself here: https://storify.com/genao/rolling-in-... DECEMBER 1 DECEMBER 2 DECEMBER 3 DECEMBER 4 DECEMBER 5 DECEMBER 6 DECEMBER 7 DECEMBER 8 DECEMBER 9 DECEMBER 10 DECEMBER 11 DECEMBER 12 DECEMBER 13 DECEMBER 15 DECEMBER 16 DECEMBER 17 DECEMBER 18 DECEMBER 19 DECEMBER 20 DECEMBER 21 DECEMBER 22 DECEMBER 23 DECEMBER 24 DECEMBER 25 DECEMBER 26 DECEMBER 27 DECEMBER 28 DECEMBER 29 DECEMBER 30 DECEMBER 31 ...more |
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Dec 14, 2016
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Dec 14, 2016
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ebook
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| 9781311500410
| unknown
| 0.00
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| Aug 13, 2014
| Aug 13, 2014
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Sep 05, 2016
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Sep 05, 2016
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ebook
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| B00Q3OBIEO
| 3.42
| 24
| Nov 24, 2014
| Dec 2014
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liked it
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today is charlotte brontë's birthday! to celebrate, not only did i read this to celebrate, not only did i read this i'm not sure if i can legitimately count this story towards my “read one monsterporn a month” goal. for one thing, it is not dirty enough. much like Jane Eyre. for another, it has been edited and fact-checked, with a numbered list of “scientific disclaimers” at the end correcting the literary liberties taken with both the coexistence of specific dinosaur species and the idea that anyone could be "turned" gay. not to mention the fact that the heroine breaks the unspoken agreement of all monsterporn everywhere, being jejune enough to utter: None of this is biologically possible! true, but more importantly - none of this is in the spirit of monsterporn. and that makes my job here very difficult - if there's no dirrrrrrty stuff to giggle at, and no unintentionally funny editing gaffes, what's the fun in reviewing it? the story itself is fine, enjoyable - an occasionally *intentionally* funny, cute replanting of JE's plot points into dinotimes, but dinoromance is much less fun than smut and it makes me less inclined to go out on the GIF hunt that these reviews generally inspire. [image] this is a good intro to monsterotica for people who are curious but who also think daytime soaps are more than steamy enough. fans of Jane Eyre needn't be scandalized by this, either, as jane is as [insert whatever word you use to describe jane eyre that is likely kinder than what i would choose] as in the source material: At last one night, the moment came when Edwina asked me to be her mate. I was stunned. Yes, she had flirted, but I could not believe that she could be thinking of a serious relationship with a puny mammal such as myself. “Are you mocking me?” I cried. “Do you use my heart as your plaything? I am no compsognathus, and no mighty predator jaws entrap me! I am a warm-blooded mammal with an independent will!” although "rochester" is somewhat different here, and i would say - made more attractive by being a big-ass lizard with ladylizardbits: “Yes, my darling,” crooned Edwina, “You are…” her eyes glazed a bit, “sooo…warm…blooded. Be mine, darling. Be my mate. Only you can bring me happiness. Don’t worry about the fact that my private parts are so huge that you could drive three buses through my lady cave, sideways. What is size and species differential compared to a love like ours? I need you, my love! Be mine!” “Yes, Edwina!” I cried, weeping with joy. “You are not only a T Rex — you are a female! But I can no longer conceal my ardor, despite my previous preference for human men and my considerable confusion about how our parts can ever be compatible. I am yours!” i like Jane Eyre just fine, but i like it despite its characters, not because of them - jane's a wet blanket and rochester's a boring goober whose big romantic move is to dress up like a gypsy. between that and his disproportionate response to a woman's mood swings, he's never been my romantic lead of choice. but a t-rex? pretty awesome. [image] so, regrettably, i didn't get to do a deep-dive monsterporn review this month, but april is the cruelest month and all that, so we endure it and get to may, when all will be set right. as far as monsterporn goes - i make no promises for the world beyond its borders. ...more |
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Apr 21, 2018
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Aug 20, 2016
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| B00U4BSO12
| 3.33
| 6
| Feb 27, 2015
| Feb 27, 2015
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! [image] another monsterporn read with those dirrrrrty machalos, god love 'em. i was late to this pebble party, and having read s HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! [image] another monsterporn read with those dirrrrrty machalos, god love 'em. i was late to this pebble party, and having read sh3lly's review, i know what to expect in terms of this story's… participants, but part of me was still a bit disappointed that this wasn't "true" pebble porn, but rather "statue-peen that becomes body-snatching statue" porn. i'm something of a pebble-porn traditionalist, but i still managed to be entertained by this tale of the love between a woman and an ancient statue-cock haunted by the spirit of its artist taking over the body of a jersey shore douchebag and transforming it into a sexy statue before intercoursing her hard. a tale as old as time itself. [image] so, in this story, we find the lovely camilla walking on the beach of the jersey shore one evening, taking solitary respite in the beauty of nature to distance herself from the hookup scene going on in the nearby clubs. she's already consumed a few mojitos, so when she sees a tiny little pebble rolling about in the wavelets at the water's edge, it makes perfect sense that she would be filled "with an inexplicable dread" at the thought of it getting sucked back into the ocean's secret depths, and feel compelled to snatch it up. (i do not make my word-choices lightly, friends. this is foreshadowing) [image] it's not a particularly striking pebble, just Three inches of smooth, ocean-worn white marble, elongated with a slight curve, but once she has it in her grasp, she feels tingles running all through her, and has a hallucinatory episode in which she is confronted by images of ancient rome, the castration of a statue, and then … herself. [image][image] she hears a whispered voice on the wind, inquiring "Are you really there? Is this a dream?" followed by another voice that is anything but whispered “Camilla! Hey, Cam! Hold up, yo!” startled, camilla is overcome by the impulse to hide the pebble she'd snatched from the surf, and braless as she is, she does the only thing she can think of with her limited imagination. and, yes, it involves more snatching. Without thinking, she lifted the dress’s hem and slipped the pebble into the front of her panties before turning to see who had called her name. [image] this "without thinking" will become something of a pattern for camilla. this second voice belongs to vinnie. you know vinnie, right? he's this guy: [image] His bulging pecs bounced up and down as he jogged toward her, his big stupid grin framed by a goatee. Vinnie was a typical Jersey guy, with skin tanned until it exuded an unhealthy orange glow and bleached spikes jutting out of his head. He had a weightlifter’s body, courtesy of illegal pharmaceuticals, and a simplistic view of what women wanted. he's also this guy: He trotted to a stop in front of her, not even bothering to hide the way he ogled her cleavage. His brown eyes held a dullness, as if sun and steroids and cheap liquor had long ago erased any glimmer of intelligence. “’Ey, babe, we didn’ get a chance to talk. Whaddaya doin’ out here? Dey got dolla longnecks back at the bar.” [image] Camilla desperately wanted to be alone so she could pull the pebble out of her panties and just… stare at it for a while. but vinnie's got more on his mind than just ogling cleavage. and he gets a little grabby. [image] sorry, man, there's a pebble in it right now. and the pebble is becoming as frisky as vinnie Camilla gasped as she felt a pulsing sensation against her pubic mound. The pebble had slipped down toward the crotch, and now it hummed with some otherworldly energy. the pebble-voice is displeased with vinnie's clumsy attempts at seduction. as anyone already occupying a woman's vagina would be. "Who is this… clown? Is he your lover?" Camilla felt an angry buzz between her thighs, a stir of jealousy from the pebble that had somehow worked its way back into the silk crotch of her panties. That buzz didn’t relent, but swelled in its intensity, sending a surge of sensation through her that made it difficult to think straight. Her skin grew flushed and hot, and again she felt a burning need to pull a man’s big, bulging body against hers, to feel his kiss penetrate her lips, to feel his hard… but let's not get ahead of ourselves. camilla is still dealing with the difficulties of carrying on a simultaneous conversation with vinnie and this disembodied voice - who has officially identified himself as pietro trevisani, master of marble - and both of them are attempting to romance her, in their own ways. Camilla pressed her fingers against the front of her dress, trying to shift the pebble upwards. It had slid a little too far down, a little too close to something she wasn’t sure she should let it touch. Even if she wanted to. camilla's trying to talk, avoid orgasm, and also keep vinnie's cray-cray sensors from activating. it's a lot to accomplish for one little dummy. She didn’t like Vinnie, but she didn’t want him going back to her friends and insinuating that she was crazy, shoving rocks in her panties and striking up conversations with Renaissance sculptors. camilla, that's not "insinuating," that's just accurate reportage. [image] eventually, vinnie goes a bit too far for pietro "What does this oaf think he’s doing? How dare he!" In her underwear, Pietro the Magic Pebble raged impotently, nothing but a disembodied voice attached to a rock that could make a woman horny. well, not nothing but a disembodied voice, because once vinnie shoves his hand in camilla's pebble-storage area, as bewildered by what he finds as stephen rea in the crying game, [image] pietro seizes the opportunity to invade vinnie's body, turning it from an overtanned douchebag to a pale and hard statue of a real man. well, a statue-man, but you take my point. [image] and he's eager to invade another body, but in a sexxier way this time 'round. He pushed the straps of her dress off her arms, and Camilla reached back and loosened the zipper. The dress slipped down to puddle on the wet, firm sand. She kicked off her sandals and stood before him, naked but for a pair of purple silk panties. awww, those panties were his home! and pietro's ready for his homecumming, all right! he's no longer just three inches of old statue-peen, now he's all grown up! and up and up and... Smooth and thick, it rose from his groin like a marble column in some ancient ruin, every inch rock-hard in truth. It had the weight of stone, not flesh and blood. and he's got something to declare “Take it,” he told her. “Take it as deep as the ocean that held me for so long.” [image] ooh, nothing is more of a turn-on than suggesting that a woman's vagina is as capacious as the ocean. times have changed since you last talked game to a lady, pietro. but camilla's not turned off by this command/comparison, although she's about to learn that, amorous similes aside, ancient statues aren't the most considerate lovers. Pietro felt her surrender and knew that he had tamed her. She was his to do as he would, and at last he withdrew his manhood. Camilla’s saliva gleamed on the marble rod as it wavered in front of her face, and she gulped a desperate breath of air as she readied herself for the next plunge. Then the next. Again and again, Pietro plumbed her depths, pushing himself into her throat and holding her against his crotch until her body gave out. After a few minutes, a sheen of sweat bathed Camilla’s naked form, and she knelt before him, gasping and broken. was it good for you, baby? Camilla’s knees and hands dug furrows in the beach sand as his forceful thrusting pushed her slowly forward. Each time, Pietro dragged her back, and she sensed his building tension as he worked himself into a frenzy. A vision flashed through her mind - herself as a block of stone, Pietro a mad sculptor, his cock the chisel that he used to shape her into something new. [image] come on, camilla, make with the self-respect! don't let this statue push you around, getting sandburn on your knees... but she's lost in the moment. Her heaving body brought Pietro to his own climax moments later, and she felt his stone cock throb inside her as he let go. Something hot and thick spurted into her, bathing her cervix in rich, heavy gobbets of molten seed. Fleeting questions bounced across the surface of her mind like water droplets on a hot skillet. Was it Vinnie’s semen unraveling inside her, or something entirely different? Could a man of stone make her pregnant? Questions for later. For now, there was no thought, only the sensation of Pietro’s pulsating member as he emptied himself inside her. NO NO NO - these are not questions for later or for now - these are questions for BEFORE, lest you end up with a chute full of gravel and a pile of pebbles to care for. [image] the post-intercourse blather is strong with camilla: “I wouldn’t have, you know, but there was something about how you made me feel. Was it magic? Damn, I feel like an idiot… hey, what are you doing?” what he's doing is returning back to the ocean, having gotten what he came for and not sticking around for breakfast. [image] or, in the NSFW or minors version: (view spoiler)[ yeah, i'm making you work for it, but it's worth it (hide spoiler)] the moral of this story is - don't put shit you find on the beach into your vagina. [image] ...more |
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Jul 03, 2016
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Jul 05, 2016
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| B01GCZXRPQ
| 3.19
| 26
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| May 29, 2016
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VALENTINE!!! BE MINE!!! [image] man, it has been way too long since i have read monsterporn. this book reminded me how much fun it is to roll around in VALENTINE!!! BE MINE!!! [image] man, it has been way too long since i have read monsterporn. this book reminded me how much fun it is to roll around in the bizarre and filthy world of monsterotica, so a huge thank-you to Sh3lly the Dorky DNFer ✨ Bring on the Weird ✨ and her band of machalo pervos for letting me revisit this extraordinary brand of joy once more. this is written by one of my favorite monster-smut authors. i think this is my 6th or 7th fannie tucker story, and she always delivers the freaky goods. any hack can write vampire porn or even ogre porn, but it tales a true master to write grocery porn. if you're wondering what grocery porn is, please, take my hand. ashley dubois is just a regular woman married to a successful lawyer. she lives in new orleans in a gorgeous condo, embracing the pampered lifestyle of a trophy housewife - unencumbered by a career or children and free to spend her time making elaborate meals for her breadwinner-husband, whose job provides her with all the finer things in life, but leaves her alone too frequently, a little restless and unravished. tonight is their anniversary, and ashley is planning to make blake's favorite meal, so she takes a trip to the local piggly wiggly and buys nine bags of groceries. on the way back to her car, sweating in the heat and distracted by an incoming text from dear hubby (who seems to have forgotten their anniversary) informing her he will once again be working late, she bumps into an old woman with her cart. she is mortified, and tries to offer assistance, but is quickly repelled by the stench of the woman, and her disheveled appearance. the woman demands some of ashley's groceries, but ashley refuses, and scurries off as the woman crows after her: “You want them groceries? That’s jes’ fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!” [image] ashley goes home to nurse her disappointment and unease with some wine. she's enjoying the view from her second-story balcony when she hears a noise in the kitchen behind her. startled, she rushes back inside to find her grocery bags tipped over, canned goods scattered, most of the food either missing or tampered with: Creamy white droplets dribbled from an empty carton of yogurt. [image] she freaks out at the thought of an intruder in her house, despite the deadbolted door, grabs a butcher knife from the kitchen and runs to her bedroom, where blake's gun is kept. when she is suitably armed, she turns to see the shape of the intruder in the doorway, and points the gun at him, before realizing this is no ordinary intruder. It was… the groceries [image] you see, all the missing food has fashioned itself into a six-foot-tall, man-shaped creature with a chest of ground beef, eggplant biceps, and most importantly - a big old cucumber cock. [image] that would be scary enough, but for me, this is the true horror. from its iceberg lettuce-head,it gazed at her with black olive eyes that somehow conveyed a disturbing intelligence. [image] yuk, olives. don't look at me, olives. you are gross. naturally, ashley is confused by this spectacle and makes her inquiries of the creature, asking "What are you?" turns out, this grocery-man is none other than a manifestation of zaka - haitian demigod of fertility and the harvest, and these are the kinds of consequences you face in voodoo-riddled new orleans when you bump into an old lady and then refuse to give her any tasty compensation. but what does this creature want with her? something about fertile soil and seeds… some light gardening perhaps? like in tucker's other story Garden Gnome Gangbang [image] or - oh, wait, what is he doing with those baby carrot-fingers?? oh no!! that ain't right! He brought his fingers up, and she saw her own glistening juices on the orange carrot knuckles as his ham-tongue flickered out to taste them. nothing more erotic than a ham-tongue. [image] but ashley is powerless to resist, and frankly, she's pretty turned on by the whole thing, ham tongue and all. and suddenly she's kneeling in front of this grocery-monster, enjoying a cucumber in an unanticipated manner. To think I was going to put this in a salad. zaka is pleased with these ministrations. “Suckle my fruits, woman,” Zaka commanded. “Taste me.” now, here it must be noted that the testicles of this creature were made of nectarines in her first description, but have now become plums. which she suckles accordingly, although perhaps not skillfully, as she describes suckling the smooth, tight skin until she tasted the sweet juices. too hard, ashley! you're not siphoning gas here! but zaka doesn't shriek in pain, so i guess demigods like it rough. and ashley's ready for more: At that moment, she didn’t care if his cock was a cucumber or a zucchini or a fucking watermelon, she wanted it inside her. i understand how sometimes the heat of the moment overtakes a lady and those endorphins roaring through a body can make someone feel invincible, but come on, ashley - a watermelon is not a suitable sexual partner. for a woman, anyway. it's fine for a man, as cormac mccarthy has shown us, but for you, not so much. it's one of those things you think will be sexy at the time, but it's really really not. [image] although ashley does play rough, as evidenced in her forceful plum-suction and in this additional scene of furious produce-lovemaking: Her back arched as she clenched his butt in her fingers, her nails digging into the cantaloupe’s rough skin until sticky juice dribbled out. jeez, ashley, control yourself! [image] but she's in a carnal tizzy, uttering the bedroom commands of one too lust-blind to see the humor in her utterances: “Come on, baby,” she pleaded. “Gimme them groceries! Gimme them fucking groceries!” and the groceries are indeed given. in a variety of ways, and positions, just as that crone in the parking lot had predicted: “You want them groceries? That’s jes’ fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!” and it's all fine and dandy until this one part. now, i have read a lot of monsterporn and NEVER once have i said "ew" out loud. until now: Inside her, Zaka’s cucumber cock swelled like a ripe seedpod ready to burst, and she felt something erupt from its tip in thick, warm gouts. A vague image played across her mind: an empty yogurt container lying on its side in the kitchen. Now she knew where the yogurt had gone. oh, ew. fucking ew. that is a bridge too far. no dairy in the lady garden, please. [image] but i will allow one pun, even though it's something of a metaphor-salad. (and yes, i see what i did there) The thick, hard vegetable inside her pulsated as he emptied the fruit of his loins into her womb. vegetables shooting out fruits?? what a cuntry! it ends with an unexpected twist, giving some insight into blake and the weird things that turn him on, which can be interpreted as either the aftermath of a tantrum or a woman's complete psychotic break. whatever the case, i shudder to think about what it's like to experience a grocery monster's sloppy seconds. “Shut up, Ashley Dubois. I need to make love to you.” i sure hope he likes yogurt. [image][image][image] and am i the only one trying to figure out what blake's favorite meal is? because these are all the items mentioned in the story: canned goods, meat, bread, produce, yogurt, fruits, vegetables, grains, flour, ground beef, eggplant ears of corn, oranges, baby carrots, iceberg lettuce, olives, nectarines/plums, russet potatoes, butternut squash, ham, cantaloupe and unless blake is a stoner or a goat, i'm finding it hard to meld those ingredients into a satisfying meal. especially now that they've been where they've been. [image] regardless, a wonderful 'welcome back to monsterporn'read for me, and the exclamation point in the tittle is KILLING me with delightedness. thank you again, machalos, for taking me under your sleazy wing! [image]come to my blog! ...more |
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Jul 2016
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Jul 2016
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Jun 30, 2016
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| B00QWHLALI
| 3.33
| 46
| Dec 11, 2014
| Dec 11, 2014
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[image] if there's one truism in this world, it's that not all uniporn is created equal, and frankly - this one is unambitious and disappointing, espec [image] if there's one truism in this world, it's that not all uniporn is created equal, and frankly - this one is unambitious and disappointing, especially cumming as it does from the fertile brain of chuck tingle, king of all monsterporn. this is one of his earliest stories, so i can write it off as a necessary learning curve, before he really let loose with the weirdness and let his freak flag fly, but man, is it ever boring. there are a million typos, and not the fun kind, and there's this belabored attempt at coherent storytelling that i find a turnoff in my tingles. it's not without its charms - the unicorn biker is named kirk, for instance, which is pretty adorable, and there's some reasonably cute banter: “You’re pretty cool, you know that?” I say to the unicorn. Kirk cracks a smile and nods to himself. “I suppose I’m alright." and then they cut to the chase: “You ever fucked a unicorn?” Kirk asks me suddenly. I can immediately sense a change in his tone, a new direction in his unicorn mannerisms all the way down to the way the he turns his large beastly head to speak to me. “No, I can’t say that I have.” I explain. “You’re the first one I’ve met.” Kirk nods. “Yep, there’s not a lot of us out there, not a lot of gay one’s either.” “I didn’t even realize you existed.” I confess. Kirk scoffs. “Come on now, that’s just rude." but the sexual acts themselves are pretty vanilla, considering that it is taking place between a man and a majestic unicorn, whose horn does not come into play even once. i mean, why bother writing uniporn if you're not gonna utilize the thing that makes it special and magical? just write horseporn and call it a day. the only other charming thing in this story is this scene that occurs when mario takes kirk to his brother's wedding in vegas: I watch from afar as my father hoots and hollers, riding my new boyfriend around the banquet hall as the rest of the wedding party looks on in amazement. other than that, this story is kind of a bust, and does not even come close to the genius of tingle's later achievements in smut. if you're looking for uniporn, try this one instead. [image] ...more |
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not set
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May 21, 2016
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May 22, 2016
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Kindle Edition
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| B01C2ZZGQ8
| 3.74
| 19
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| Feb 21, 2016
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monsterporn read of the month. nom nom nom [image] review to come |
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Sep 25, 2018
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Sep 25, 2018
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Apr 10, 2016
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| B00ZQBJ18K
| 3.90
| 10
| Jun 15, 2015
| Jun 15, 2015
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it was amazing
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! It was like the space race in my mouth. So many rockets thrusting. [image] through a freak accident combining a horny gay bear, a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! It was like the space race in my mouth. So many rockets thrusting. [image] through a freak accident combining a horny gay bear, a sexy male jogger, a puddle, and an electrical bolt from a transformer? or lightning? or both? or neither, butt instead the consciousness of the Airnet A.I. System downloading its super duper gay way of life into my big old bear brain? the events in this book came to be. it's very confusing and contradictory butt totally worth it. this is only the first part of what promises to be an amaaazing series in which there is some sex: There were so many varieties of hot dogs and bratwursts and summer sausages flopping and being yanked around that my mouth watered with dripping buttt lust. [image] butt even more than sex, there's a lot of weirdness: When the sperms and lady squirts hit the ground, really gay tulips grew in their space. and misunderstandings: They saw me and screamed in terror, not knowing that I was gay and full of rainbows [image] and sweet sweet violence: I then asked her, "Do you like donuts?" And she responded, "Actually, yes I do." "TRY A BEAR CLAW," I roared. this book = killing me and even though arthur already used the book's pictures in his review, they are good enough to make you look at them again, so i did. [image] also, this book has the best occurrence in all literature of turning angry gun-toting christian gang warrior women into passionate lesbians by pretending they are dolls: As they both attacked, I swatted their weapons out of their hands and grabbed them by their necks. oh, and do they ever stop resisting... this book is glorious and i am going to need monsieur loads to hop to it and write more of these and soon. with more excellent photoshopping. thank you for sending this my way, arthur. you sure know how to make the yuletide gay! ...more |
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Dec 21, 2015
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Dec 21, 2015
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Dec 21, 2015
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| unknown
| 4.15
| 106
| Sep 07, 2015
| Sep 2015
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this is a beautiful love story built upon a foundation of reciprocity in which jillian - a human woman, and alf-khalan - an alien male discover that e
this is a beautiful love story built upon a foundation of reciprocity in which jillian - a human woman, and alf-khalan - an alien male discover that each has a need that can be filled by the other in a mutually beneficial arrangement. which is the plot of like 75% of jane austen's books, so you know it's gonna be all hott like her books in which there are amiable alliances of compatible feelings that end up forming agreeable unions. phoar, austen, phoar… alf-khalan needs liquid water to power his ship and save his people. jillian needs a superlong orgasm and to have her various holes plowed. jillian can provide the water because when this story begins, she is masturbating in the shower after working all day at a bikini car wash, which is like three layers of moisture right there. also, as a human being, she is 60% water. also, she has, you know, faucets and stuff. alf-khalan can provide hole-plowing and superlong orgasms because he has a forked tongue, a dick big enough to plug a manhole, saliva whose unique chemical composition leaves human skin hot and tingling and tentacles. so many tentacles. their meet-cute is a bit awkward: jillian: This wasn’t some punk valley girl standing in my house. This was a fucking monstrosity. alf-khalan: In the brief moment before the domicile’s inhabitant rounded the corner, I consulted the data chip in my head for a quick primer on native life forms. The download took less than a second, so by the time the creature came into sight, I was able to identify it as a she-human. One of their females, and of breeding age—but toward the tail end of her fertile time. ooh, maybe don't mention that particular observation to her. she-humans don't consider that acceptable first date conversation. but during this initial moment, each assesses the situation and comes to a realization about how this needs to go down: alf-khalan: It occurred to me then that in order to get the water I desperately needed to survive, I was going to have to make love to her. jillian is a bit more coarse: I knew instantly why the creature was here. Clearly, his race of intergalactic fuck stains needed sex slaves, and they knew that Earth had the best tang in the galaxy—and that I had the best tang on Earth...In order to stay alive, and to save the world from alien invasion, I was going to have to fuck his brains out. on the superficial physical surface, these two do not seem to be a match made in heaven. jillian is "diminutive," with a "hard body rounded out by soft curves," "circles under her eyes," and a "hot pussy." alf-khalan is, at first, 8 feet tall and looked like a triceratops fucked a half-stegosaurus/half-T-Rex bastard. Armored plates ran in a line down its back, and it had massive horns on its head. A giant snout held teeth that would have made a shark shit itself. Its scaly skin was stretched across rippling muscles that bulged and pulsed, veins standing out as it prepared to spring into action. I was wet instantly. but somehow they make it work and lovemaking commences. there is "dinolingus" and penetration, and even though alf-khalan's dehydration prevents his "cocktackle" from achieving its "total erecticity," pleasure is had by all, and besides - the she-human was not built to receive my full glory. It would destroy her. bullet - dodged. somewhere in the middle of all of this, alf-khalan reverts to his true form: a 9- foot-tall human-like creature with mottled brown and green skin, massive muscles, virtually no facial features and the aforementioned dick big enough to plug a manhole. Oh, and tentacles. Dozens of tentacles. Sprouting from his back…his shoulders…his hips…and was there one on his cock?! I couldn’t decide whether to scream in fright or ecstasy. So, I just screamed. and alf-khalan is no longer quite as thirsty. neither is jillian, once she realizes that the "flavor of his issuance" is quite different from a human male: Of course. Of course the monstrous, non-impregnating alien sex god’s cum tastes like mint chocolate. I gasped. It was delicious. I’d have ordered a blow job for dessert at the nicest restaurant I knew if it tasted like this. oh, what does "non-impregnating" mean? well, alf-khalan is as full of surprises as he is mint chocolate spooge: “I am capable of issuing two forms of ejaculate—one that will impregnate you with my seed, or one that will simply suffuse you with an inner warmth for the next several hours and create periodic post-coital orgasms at random intervals. Which shall I use?” silly question, that. it's a real romance for our times - the search for renewable power sources, the breaking down of the racial divide, and a woman who is sexually liberated enough to know what she wants, and to express herself in that timeless combination of lyricism and grace: I screamed as the other half of his tongue slipped inside me, spiraling around to touch every wall of my pussy. I was soaked; the leathery skin on his long snout glistened in the half-light of my living room. Damn. That was almost poetic coming from a woman about to cum all over an alien dinosaur’s forked tongue. will there be more erotic adventures between these two crazy kids? i surely hope so. for now, i will leave you with one more jillianism, because that girl is my new amorous philosopher. I somehow managed to wrap my legs around him, pulling him even deeper. I don’t know where I was putting it, frankly, but it was kind of like Thanksgiving dinner—you’re not quite sure how you’ll manage, and you know you’ll regret it later, but you’re going to keep taking more and more in until you’re so stuffed you feel like you can’t walk. Hell, even that might not be a good comparison—Thanksgiving comes once a year. I’d already cum five times. stay classy, kids! ********************************************** symbiotic relationships are hot! [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] review coming. heh. [image]come to my blog! ...more |
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Jan 21, 2016
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Jan 21, 2016
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Dec 20, 2015
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| unknown
| 3.66
| 29
| Nov 2015
| Nov 2015
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AND NOW IS THE TIME OF YEAR I FLOAT OLD CHRISTMAS REVIEWS TO COUNTDOWN TO BING BONG BING BONG!! there are families who come together at christmas time AND NOW IS THE TIME OF YEAR I FLOAT OLD CHRISTMAS REVIEWS TO COUNTDOWN TO BING BONG BING BONG!! there are families who come together at christmas time to read dickens around the fireplace. and then there are families who come together at christmas time playing with dicks around the fireplace. my work here is done. merry xxxmas [image]come to my blog! ...more |
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Dec 19, 2015
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Dec 19, 2015
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Dec 20, 2015
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| B017Y2JG06
| 3.79
| 19
| unknown
| Nov 12, 2015
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AND NOW IS THE TIME OF YEAR I FLOAT OLD CHRISTMAS REVIEWS TO COUNTDOWN TO BING BONG BING BONG!!!!! [image] this book is definitely more bizarro than ero AND NOW IS THE TIME OF YEAR I FLOAT OLD CHRISTMAS REVIEWS TO COUNTDOWN TO BING BONG BING BONG!!!!! [image] this book is definitely more bizarro than erotica, so if you are looking for a sexxy romance story between a human and a starbucks secular coffee cup in which the participants are (view spoiler)[alive at the end of the book (hide spoiler)], you may want to try Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups. i haven't read his yet, so i don't know where it falls on the tru luv 4-eva spectrum, but i'm playing the odds that it's moar sexxier than this one which doesn't even start being porn until page 30/46 . in the spirit of the season, i am turning this review space into an advent calendar, and at the crack of dawn each day*, you can gather your (18+) children around you and together ceremoniously uncover a meaningful phrase, a sentence, a paragraph from this fine holiday story to hold in the back of your mind as you go about your day, fulfilling your holiday obligations, and just kinda meditating on the words, letting them resonate within you, reminding you of the true meaning of the holiday spirit and the festive possibilities of two balls one cup. december 1 [image] (view spoiler)[ She was full of Starbucks pumpkin spice cum. (hide spoiler)] december 2 [image] (view spoiler)[ The divine coffee cup acted like a slinky with a giant dick. (hide spoiler)] december 3 [image] (view spoiler)[ "She needs her pussy licked. The only way to feel the Gnostic Enlightenment of Lucifer is through oral pleasure; it is why we gave the children candy canes on Krampmas to prepare them to suck cocks and clits." (hide spoiler)] december 4 [image] (view spoiler)[ "God blesses us because your mother and I work hard, and it's important that we enjoy the same things as the WOPS, Kikes, and the WASPS. We are winners like them, and the winners drink Starbucks coffee, while the niggers and SPICS drink their sugar water with that fat red guy running around. What is that drink called?" "Kool-Aid?" "Yeah, Kool-Aid that is it." (hide spoiler)] december 5 [image] (view spoiler)[ The dick acted like a bridge going from her mouth to the cup about to enter the pussy. The sex term was known as the London Broiled Bridge, but he also looked like ancient symbol the gnostic worshippers drew of Krampas the cock god. (hide spoiler)] december 6 [image] (view spoiler)[ "I love Christ and I am disappointed in Starbucks, but I need my Latte or else I will hurt my Jewish in-laws who have a Zionist plot against my peace of mind." (hide spoiler)] december 7 [image] (view spoiler)[ "Yes," the divine cup screamed, "My soul will enter your womb, and your cuckolded husband will have my father's grandson. You will lose your soul, and I will rule your body until my son is born!" (hide spoiler)] december 8 [image] (view spoiler)[ When she researched the Starbucks company, she learned that it was Jewish and secular just like her Asian Anal Sex loving excuse for a husband. (hide spoiler)] december 9 [image] (view spoiler)[ "The coca beans were thrown down to the fiery place because the angels couldn't be trusted to handle coffee." (hide spoiler)] december 10 [image] (view spoiler)[ "My servant, take that impressive Jew cock of yours and prepare for her Krampus cock and coffee." (hide spoiler)] december 11 [image] (view spoiler)[ "Jesus himself always had a bad Christmas." (hide spoiler)] december 12[image] (view spoiler)[ "I love coffee like you do Daddy. I love it as much as Christmas." (hide spoiler)] december 13 [image] (view spoiler)[ "Yogurt was one of the foods the Illuminati ate. To think and reach Gnostic alignment they needed good bowel movements, the probiotics helped keep their rectums and souls in the flow of Gnostic Enlightenment." (hide spoiler)] december 14 [image] (view spoiler)[ The young Macauley Culkin character smiled, petted the spider, and said, "You've been naughty Teresa, you're drinking wine instead of coffee, in a cup that doesn't have Christ on it. Yahweh's son will be mad, and me, Krampus, is very mad too." (hide spoiler)] december 15 [image] (view spoiler)[ If you love Christ and your soul, you won't touch that cup. That mermaid on that cover…she is the fish goddess of hell. She controls the Styx. The Little Mermaid and Starbucks are part of the Zionist plot, to reject Christ and give birth to the anti-Christ. Starbucks is part of the Illuminati agenda to destroy all Christians." (hide spoiler)] december 16 [image] (view spoiler)[ "Oh Jesus, that feels so good," Teresa declared. "It's Krampus! And you haven't experienced anything yet. Casey come here and worship your god. Let's fuck the Christmas spirit out of her." (hide spoiler)] december 17 [image] (view spoiler)[ "BLLLOOOOOOWWW," Teresa screamed with the massive cock going further down her throat but it was too late. (hide spoiler)] december 18 [image] (view spoiler)[ Coffee was the drink of the Luciferian Gnostics for it gave them focus and knowledge, but Jesus gave everyone wine, making them feel emotion instead of logic and gnostic truth. (hide spoiler)] december 19 [image] (view spoiler)[ "NO, YOU MUST PAY WITH YOUR BALLS!" (hide spoiler)] december 20 [image] (view spoiler)[ "No this can't be." "Christ said the same thing while dying on his cross. I offered him my favorite drink, pumpkin spice latte made with the best breast milk of the most beautiful virgins of Israel**, but he wouldn't drink one drop. He shunned flesh and never experienced a nice pair of tits in his face; I believe the modern word call that motorboarding. I don't know where that comes from, but I know I love sucking out human milk through the nipple." (hide spoiler)] december 21 [image] (view spoiler)[ It was past midnight in Israel and Krampus was fucking all who ingested the Starbucks from the red Happy Holidays cup. Krampus could be everywhere. This was how he delivered his presents of anal sex and violence on Krampmas, but he always chose one special person to have vaginal sex with and that person this Krampmas was Teresa. (hide spoiler)] december 22 [image] (view spoiler)[ The coffee company knew it had to take over the world to bring their Gods back into the world. The word 'star' was a celebration and reminder of their God, the Morning Star that was mentioned Isaiah 14 and punished by the adversary Yaweh. 'Bucks' an old term for money was still used today. (hide spoiler)] december 23 [image] (view spoiler)[ "Oh yes, nothing better than Catholic breasts. They ached to be sucked." (hide spoiler)] december 24 [image] (view spoiler)[ He said he would stop their black magick of using pumpkin spice and coffee to make Roman and other gentile women run wild with lust. That pumpkin spice would eventually be for those of calm heart, not for the harlots who worshipped at the altar of Lucifer and Krampus, but instead those who accepted Christ in their hearts and realized his death conquered the sins of Krampus. (hide spoiler)] december 25 [image] (view spoiler)[ Christ and Christmas were superficial and didn't reflect the truth of life, but Krampus, the Coffee cup god of sex and violence had showed her the harsh but beautiful truth of life. (hide spoiler)] * or open them all at once - it's your fucking advent calendar. ** wait, how are virgins producing breast milk? and while we're in editor-mode, why are these "secular jews" requiring a kosher meal? which i am just realizing now makes no sense to those of you who haven't read this since i haven't actually used that part in the calendar - spoiler alert - but are all my jewish friends doing it wrong? isn't jewish christmas why chinese restaurants were invented? why can't you just put the ham in the fridge for, say, tuesday instead of throwing it away? why didn't teresa take her husband's name? am i asking the wrong questions here? [image]come to my blog! ...more |
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! [image] "Hello." Says the bigfoot. "How'd you like a taste, sir?" this book is just as hot as any other book by chuck tingle. wh HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! [image] "Hello." Says the bigfoot. "How'd you like a taste, sir?" this book is just as hot as any other book by chuck tingle. which either means "superscalding" or "not at all," depending on where you stand on the relative sexxiness of first-time same-sex erotic encounters between men and beasts. in this case, the genital-on-genital action/sweet lasting romance blossoms between a human named nick and a bigfoot named torbo gulgot. nick and his buddies pete and jeff are on a "bro's weekend" trip to napa valley for wine tastings and beautiful scenery. nick, the self-identifying "number one poon hound in our frat," is unenthusiastic about this choice of venue, because there are like zero chicks there to bang. SIGH! the other bros are getting a little tired of nick's moaning and groaning (by which i mean his complaining. for now.) "…it's not always about chicks, man!" Pete tells me. "We're always out looking for girls, for once can't we just chill as bros and enjoy some wine." and pete is right. it's not always about chicks. as nick will soon learn. nick is wandering around the place looking for a milf to seduce when he suddenly finds himself in a crowded room struck by a most unexpected sight: Right there in front of me is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on, towering over the others by a good two or three feet. It's bigfoot, covered in fur and sipping leisurely from a glass of deep red wine. and it's love at first sight, "no homo" or no "no homo." The monster is more attractive than any human woman, or man for that matter, that I've ever soon, a perfect specimen of pure, animalistic hotness. nick tries to cling to the vestiges of his familiar and comfortable self-image with his confused I'm completely straight as an arrow nonsense, but ain't nobody straight in a tingler for long, and nick finds himself right up front, under the bigfoot's gaze. torbo gulgot is equally impressed with nick, offering him a wine with a "woody finish" and "aged fifteen years." now, because even monsterporn has rulz, the only thing here aged fifteen years is this wine, but there will certainly be a woody finish for all the consenting adults in this story. and it all starts here, with torbo gulgot's inquiry: "Have you ever considered being the one who is tasted?" and just like that, nick turns from poon hound to gay bigfoot sommelier hound. "Sounds good bro." and the way is paved for caresses and exploration, erotic poses and painful pleasure. …I'm hit with a strange wave of nostalgia, a faint memory of a life that once was. Even though it was just minutes before, my life of chasing women seems like it's an entire decade behind me. Now that I've tasted the succulent flavor of gay bigfoot desire, the thought of anything else, especially human women, seems laughably insufficient. and what does nick's virgin ass taste like? leave the description to a sommelier: "There is a definite high note of rose, with some smooth, buttery lows and a fine nutty finish. This is a delicious asshole." and then there is boning. there is also a moment of hesitation, but nick is nothing if not confident. "Too much to take for a straight boy?" Torbo laughs. I shake my head. "I've got this, bro." nick and torbo unleash the usual tingle-catalog of descriptive phrases in their lovemaking banter; oral sex is "like a beastly jackhammer," eyes are wet with "lustful gay tears," much mention is made of "my bro ass" and "my tasty bro ass," and the mid-coital (verbal) ejaculations are boilerplate tingle: *"Do it!" I scream. "Shove that giant bigfoot dick into my tight little brohole!" *"Tell me you like that big, fat bigfoot sommelier cock." *"Harder!" I scream at Torbo. "Turn me gay!" *"Harder!" I demand again. "Fuck me like the dirty gaybro that I am!" and the classic tingle phrase, a staple i believe is in every tingler ever: as he uses me like a gay human play toy however, there is also this line which, like nick's tight butthole itself, might have been used for the very first time: "Let's blow our loads together, bigfoot bro." and if that ain't romance, i don't know what it is. i really don't. ...more |
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is that an alien in your tummy or are you just happy to see me?? [image] this book is like if arthur c. clarke* wrote monsterporn. i never got the chanc is that an alien in your tummy or are you just happy to see me?? [image] this book is like if arthur c. clarke* wrote monsterporn. i never got the chance to read Debbie Does Monsterland since it is one of those jerkbooks that is kindle-only, so i was grateful-but-apprehensive when someone gifted me a copy of this, the second volume in the F*ck All Monsters trilogy. what if i couldn't follow the plot without the foundation laid (heh) in the first volume? what if there was relevant backstory or foreshadowing that a reader needed to be familiar with in order to enjoy this story? i was only half-serious, because monsterporn, but darn it if this piece of erotica didn't transcend the genre and raise the bar of what monsterotica can grow up to be. there actually IS plot and character and reasoning. she even spells the word "taut" correctly. i needn't have worried about being confused - through surprisingly graceful expository flashbacks and memories we get enough backstory to be comfortable situated in the story, so we can just focus on all the orgies without interrupting with too many questions. before we get to the details (and i PROMISE you there will be MANY FILTHY DETAILS and SO MANY PICTURES) i want to take a second to do a sorta blanket commentary on the strengths of this book and what sets it apart from the crowd. for monsterporn, this is very long, clocking in at 66 pages. also unusual for monsterporn is the author's attention to detail, coherent storyline, and ability to surprise. this is a truly literary version of monsterporn, sure to sweep the monsterporn awards ceremonies whenever they finally decide to make that a real thing. could "emma steele" be a pseudonym for orson scott card??"** not only does the story feature intercourse between a woman and a million different species of aliens, pansexual debbie also intercourses human men and women, black and white, old and young, hot and not, in a ballet of physical and sexual flexibility. and it's funny! it's metaporn - satirical, self-referential, with gentle pokes (and some deep thrusts) directed at the sci-fi and erotica genres both. but it's also very sad. very emotional. sometimes sex gets outta hand, and not all of the human or creature lovers are gonna live through these 60 pages. bottom (heh) line - it is genuinely enjoyable, which is not something i can say for a lot of monsterporn. okay, let's get to the part you all came (heh) here for. so, this story is about nancy "debbie" archer who is, at fifty feet tall, the "giantest person on earth." you may know her from this movie poster: [image] this takes place immediately after the events from Debbie Does Monsterland, in which debbie gets horny, breaks out of her imprisonment in a medical research facility and heads straight for monster island to fuck all its resident monsters, culminating in best sex ever - godzilla. patriarchal america gets mad at this liberated sexual congress and a nuclear warhead blows debbie apart into stardust while she's in the middle of boning that lizard. rude. The billowing tower lifted her up, up, through the highest reaches of the atmosphere - and into outer space - her atoms streaming out like radiation… like a ribbon of etheric jizz, whipping through the emptiness to splatter the distant moon: a cosmic cum shot, with Stardust Debbie as the semen - Debbie as atomic splooge, creaming the face of the moon.. pooling into an empty lunar sea… i mean, already that's far more ambitious than any monsterporn i've read, and it goes on to really make science sexy. you know, for the schoolkids: *** It's small, this wormhole: about the size of a human vagina - a normal human vagina, not a giant one like Debbie's had been. Set into the ground like the mouth of a burrow, the wormhole shimmers and hums, wet with mystery - again, like a vagina. At one point an American flag stood here; it was the planting of the flag, in fact, which opened the wormhole in the first place - the pole's downward stab not only piercing the lunar surface, but poking a hole into space-time itself … a hole which later grew, sucking the Stars and Stripes down into it, until it was about the size, I repeat, of a vagina - at which point it stabilized, in balance with the rock around it. Now here it waits, unknown to man: a hungry throat leading off to exotic dimensions. Just like a vagina. metaphysical and cosmological erotica ensues, and then suddenly debbie finds herself, atomically reconstituted, aboard a spaceship called The Pastrami, humansized, confused, horny, and in the company of both harry dean stanton [image] and tom skerritt, [image] which is all well and good, but debbie is really dismayed by being so small. Debbie looks at herself. One-tenth the woman she used to be. One-tenth the surface area; one-tenth the nerve endings. She looks at her clit, commonplace now, remembering how it had been: the clit of a giantess, as large as a man's hand… packed so full of nerves it might as well have been a brain - a brain built solely to dream of flesh on flesh, wet, hard, tight … its dreams realer than most realities… But now, her clit - so tiny - it's like a raisin, its former glory shriveled. debbie's not giving up, though! she's gotta test-drive this new body, this new clit, and so she totally fucks tom skerritt and harry dean stanton. while stuck all over with acupuncture needles. it's as hot and bloody as a T-bone. (heh) and even though she is used to more magnificent genitals, debbie is a glass half-full kinda girl Debbie's breath catches as she sees their cocks flip out and up, slimy pre-cum already shining on the tips. For an instant she thinks of the last cock she had: Godzilla's. A cock she had lusted for, had fought off tanks and infantry for, swam an ocean for. A Holy Grail of a cock. She feels a twinge of sadness now, faced with these two human dicks. But it's time to move in, she reminds herself - to quest for Grails afresh - and she knows that, just as there's something of the giantess in her, there's something of the King of the Monsters in these men. Something of the lizard in them. She can see it in the way their eyes bore into her, an ancient hunger burning in them like cold fire. Their cocks throbbing with delirious blood. Watching a vein pulse on Tom's shaft, Debbie feels her stomach flutter with excitement. These cocks - these commonplace cocks - they're colossal in their souls. after that fluid-heavy encounter with tom's dick and harry, debbie learns is that it is 1987 and she meets (and has sex with) the other members of the crew (you may have seen this coming but pretend to be surprised): yaphet kotto [image] veronica cartwright [image] ian holm [image] john hurt [image] and sigourney weaver [image] it is a VERY sexxy ship, unencumbered by pesky sexual harassment lawsuits and full of mutual desire and easy-to-unzip coveralls. yaphet kotto and debbie are like butterflies performing a springtime mating dance: Then, to dismiss Debbie, he slaps her on the ass, saying, "Welcome aboard, baby." Debbie grabs the crotch of his coveralls, squeezes. "I already love it here." but that's enough sex for five minutes - let's learn more about The Pastrami and its mission. by which i mean the ship. debbie is given a tour of the ship, including belowdecks. by which i mean the cargo hold. but also of john hurt's genitals. first, he shows her the ship's many cages "This is our cargo," John Hurt says. "We collect aliens - in particular, aliens from popular culture: film, television, comic books." these creatures are put into zoos and admired by all. and just FYI, hurt goes on to assure any entertainment lawyers who may be in the house "Most of these are copyright 20th Century Fox and/or Time Warner and/or Universal Studios, and are presented here for informational and/or entertainment purposes only. later, we are reminded by our om. narr. that these aliens are: All copyrighted, mind you, by their respective parties, and used here without permission for philosophical purposes only) so don't even sweat the copyright violations as these iconic aliens get an eyeful of debbie fucking john hurt. and we learn that it's not just E.T.'s finger that glows, but also his member and also what comes out of his member. and it all just makes debbie very wistful, despite the pages and pages of human sex she has been getting. Still on the floor, the stumpy alien jacks off as it watches Captain Hurt spray Debbie with semen. When the alien cums, what shoots out is glowing red. Like magma. Feeling the lukewarm spittle of human semen ooze down her chest, Debbie imagines it's magma. she's been on the ship for some time, enjoying the sex, but also frustrated - never as satisfied as she had been after godzilla, and with so many questions about her transition and what it all means. fortunately, there's a psychiatrist onboard. and she's really good at her job. Sigourney Weaver starts the balls clacking in a Newton's cradle on her desk. "Debbie, you've still never told me how you became a giant in the first place. It could shed some light on your problem." "It's - difficult - for me … to talk about." "I could hypnotize you. Would you like me to hypnotize you?" She thinks about it. "Sure." Sigourney Weaver hypnotizes her. "Okay, Debbie, you're hypnotized. Now tell me what the fuck happened." Hypnotized, Debbie says, "What the fuck happened was this," and she proceeds to tell her entire life story - which was way more than Sigourney Weaver wanted, but she sits and listens to it anyway, nodding off only occasionally. You have to be careful what you ask for, with hypnosis and after that impressive display of doctoring, sigourney weaver drops some science-hypotheses about why debbie is only just regular-sized now, and it actually makes sense. inasmuch as science has ever made sense to anyone. but "I feel like we've been in this office an awful long time. None of this is really forwarding the story's action. Shouldn't we get out of here already? It's been too long since there's been a sex scene." and debbie's right. so she has sex with veronica cartwright. and also sigourney weaver. then circum(heh)stances … change for debbie. i'm done mapping out the storyline - you need to read this thing for yourselves and all, but i promised some pictures and i'm going to deliver on that promise. all you need to know is that debbie and her genitals make some allies in the cargo hold. and i wish to god i knew how to make those boxy things that the new adult kids do and that mark rants about in his review here because i would make the most epic one ever, kitties be damned! for now, i guess i'll just add photos in the only shitty way i know how. to that end - here are the nonhuman participants in debbie's adventures in lovemaking, whether one-on-one romance or straight-up gangbang: E.T. [image] Debbie's abdomen glows a warm red, the luminous tips of cock and finger shining out through the flesh … like putting a flashlight in your mouth… ALF [image] ALF, as you know, loves eating pussy. and "I wish you could fuck me, ALF" is a sentence i never thought i would ever read. the predator [image] who is, apparently, "kind of an asshole." jabba the hutt [image] debbie engages in anal sex with his three-inch cock. and it is pretty much as disgusting as you would think: Jabba the Hutt laughs as his stunted tool spurts a dribble of rotten semen into Debbie's large intestine xenomorph [image] xenomorph has acidic semen and a trick dick The glans of the penis resembles the alien's cranium - elongated and smooth. As it swells tighter and tighter, there emerges from within its urethral opening a second penis: a lesser shaft gliding out through the meatus, the nested cocks throbbing as bubbly pre-cum leaks from the tip of the inner dick. like this, only lower: [image] the gorn [image] The Gorn ejaculates on Debbie's face, hissing murderously, just like it did in that episode of Star Trek where it was coming after Captain Kirk to kill him. the following are creatures mentioned in passing as participating, but without alluring excerpts for me to share. but you can still enjoy the mental image of debbie intercoursing with these beloved characters: marvin the martian [image] MAC from mac and me**** [image] [image] [image] [image] the great gazoo [image] mork [image] the monolith from 2001 [image] i love this book. it's genuinely funny and violent and bloody and crazy and there's just wall-to-wall sex and some ingenious solutions to unusual problems. there is also philosophy, physics, and so much cheekiness: "I thought The Pastrami's mission was to collect fictional characters in general, not just fictional aliens. What gives? Could I get some exposition on this?" and true romance She begs mentally for it to hurry up; she needs its terrifying penis now and either your worst fucking nightmare or one bitchin' tattoo. Then, at last, the Predator and the Xenomorph close on her. They mount her like two demonic stallions from some incomprehensible hell. and it all ends on one helluva cliffhanger/promise. it is quite simply the most impressive and surprising book i have ever read in which a woman has sex with the entire cast of a movie from the eighties. i need part three. and also part one. and probably some other parts. *name chosen at random from mental list of "generally respected sci-fi novelists i have never read." so, if arthur c. clarke did, in fact, write monsterporn, swap his name out for a different generally respected sci-fi novelist who never did. OR, if arthur c. clarke was some kind of homophobe or he spree-killed a bunch of hobos or has some other sort of attendant negative connotations unknown to me, feel free to swap his name out for someone who writes good and doesn't spree-kill. basically, all you need to know is that this is some damn well-written and intentionally funny sci-fi monsterporn. ** dear lawsuit - emma steele is NOT a pseudonym for orson scott card *** do not use this story to teach science to schoolkids. **** which - i have never seen this movie, so i need someone to tell me if it is as fucking bonkers as it appears from these pictures. seriously - why why a thousand times why? [image]come to my blog! ...more |
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Aug 20, 2015
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| Aug 18, 2015
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Sep 14, 2015
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! okay, so i have finally reviewed this "properly." i hope it clears up any confusion!! so, this is another one of those bizarro- HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!! okay, so i have finally reviewed this "properly." i hope it clears up any confusion!! so, this is another one of those bizarro-erotica stories that is heavier on the bizarro than the erotica. in fact, if i heard that anyone actually used this in a one-handed reading capacity, i would be deeply disturbed. with most of the monsterporn, i can understand objectively why some people find it sexxy, even if i myself do not, but this - it takes a special kind of person to get off on tater tots. and vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo is that special person (and can i just take a minute to thank the lord for copy and paste? bow your heads!) round-tummied vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo has only been in the united states for a few months, hailing from an eastern european land of frozen tundra and packs of wolves and criminals and fascist government that keeps all the food and last remaining sexy ladies for themselves. he is gainfully employed in a slaughterhouse and is learning the english from books. he has come to this country for ladies and riches, but is not finding much of either. the sexy American ladies, they all laughs at me when I try to talk to them on street and at the disco dances. Sometimes they even say mean words to me. They says things like “Fucks you, dudes!” and “Fucks offs!” and “Go kills yourselves, fatsos!” unfortunately, along with ladies and wealth, he also loves tater tots. which ordinarily wouldn't be a problem, but now that the tater tots have become sentient and incredibly wealthy, it's illegal to eat them. oh, you don't know about this?? well, it happened, and you should be aware of it, because if you eat a tater tot now, you will totally go to jail. they are powerful. and all male. and gay. but only for human men. how do you not know this?? get a newspaper, jeeeez. so vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo is finding it hard to get ANY satisfaction in his new home. if only, if only…. Yes, if I could eat my favorite comfort food—the tots of the potato with the ketchup—then when I comes home every night from my miserable, shit-splattered, blood-soaked, 14-hour workday at the slaughterhouse, then maybes I would not be so sad and lonely and want to kill self. but he has a master plan. since he can't buy and consume tater tots, he will have to make his own! genius! [image] but that statement is completely backwards - the tater tots are not so easily fooled, and there will be reprisals. you know, from the tater tot protection agency. which is comprised of tater tots with attitude. and they get all up in vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo's fat face, causing him much distress. “Oh, no’s!” I says, crawling up to my knees. I cries like little baby. I was—how you say in America . . . crying like the little basic bitches? but they are willing to offer him a deal and leniency if he is willing to become the tots' lover. fat balki misunderstands “Lover? How you mean? I do love tots. Tots have always been my favorite foods!” yeah, because that's what they want. and after much hemming and hawing and many homophobic comments, eventually vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo caves in the face of a handsome bribe. by a handsome tot. [image] LET THE TATERFUCKING BEGIN!!! sex with tater tots is… weird. i know that's unexpected and possibly racist, but it IS! i don't want to spoil what tot-erections are like, or which household condiment makes for good lube, or what happens when a tater tot "ejacuvates," but i will say that tater tots are not into cuddling, and they are no one's bottom. [image] and, as promised, one is indeed juggalo. and his name is faygo freddy. whoop, whoop! and that's when shit really starts to get weird. what's great is that i am finally getting around to watching oz, and the big climactic (heh) scene in this is completely relevant to something that happens in episode one of season two. you know, the one called "the tip." (view spoiler)[[image] do NOT go sticking things into people's mouths that you don't want to have bitten off. both beecher and vladislav yevtushenko-zhernakovshmirnovo get a little chompy (hide spoiler)] and in other tales of synchronicity, i recently learned that this restaurant exists: potatopia and the island-city where the tater tots have gathered and prospered in so, please, read this story to learn about all the stuff i left out. and when you do read the last line, you will discover the extent of my persuasive powers used for eeeeeeevil. happy readings!! muah hahaaaaaaaa ********************************************************** [image] Though the thought of making sexy time with the boy tots is very gross to me, I know I cannot turn down such incredible offer. “Okays,” I says. I looks down at the kitchenette floor in deep, deep shame as I make announcement. “I . . . I . . . I fucks the tots.” The tots, they all cheers, “Hurrah!” watch your back, tingle!! there's a new kid in town. review to come. tater tots already did. [image]come to my blog! ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Aug 03, 2015
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Aug 03, 2015
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Kindle Edition
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| B00WQCWSE6
| 3.60
| 25
| Apr 26, 2015
| Apr 26, 2015
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i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "romance week." hey, beasts - brin
i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "romance week." hey, beasts - bring on the romance! *********************************************** [image] dessert in the desert!! i expect when chuck tingle finally releases his memoir detailing his writing process, it will be revealed to be made up of a combination of bong hits and mad libs. and when someone else finally gets it into their heads to write the definitive biography of mr. tingle, i think they will note that this book marks the turning point where mr. tingle lost his fucking mind. because unicorns, dinosaurs, bigfoot - those are all pretty standard in the monsterpornverse. but after he exhausted all of the usual suspects and started exploiting things that should never be considered as suitable love interests for humans - a dress, a train, a diner, donuts, one's own genetically modified ass - this is where he either transcended ordinary human limitations into genius territory, or became a slavering madman howling out his cave into the night. and this one…. this one is sublime. chocolate milk cowboys. chocolate. milk. cowboys. giant glasses of chocolate milk with guns and … guns capable of spilling out of their containers in order to have gay intercourse with a cowboy. [image] welcome to tingletown because if that's not on the same level as the invention of the wheel, i don't know what you people expect outta a man. in the unspecified wild west, our hero billy brucko is tasked with delivering a package coming straight from the white house into the hands of albert einstein in california. he is instructed not to look inside the package under any circumstances, and he is to receive two bricks of gold for his troubles. billy is an honorable cowboy, so up he hops on the back of his trusty steed (named the dangler), and he's on his way. he is just drifting off to sleep after the first day of his journey when he is awoken by a delicious scent on the wind. Slowly, I look up and see the barrel of my own weapon pointed straight down at me. Holding it steady is a large glass of chocolate milk. [image] who then sloshes some of himself out of the glass, and each drop that hits the ground forms an additional chocolate milk man, forming "a chocolate milk gang." and they very much want what's in billy's box. but billy's not about to give up his box to the first outlaw who demands it. shooting commences. billy is hit, but fortunately, while he is bleeding out onto the ground, our hero has the presence of mind to read the note attached to the in-demand package and learns that it contains a device with magical properties: Upon pressing the button, the user will travel back in time ten minutes, finding themselves in a universe parallel to this one. It is a place that we have come to know as the Tingleverse. Use with great caution, the Tingleverse is a strange and erotic place, but if we can find a way to harness its power, we could soon find true utopia. so billy pushes that button. and recent history repeats itself, as he is awoken by a glass of chocolate milk. but things are a little different this time around I look at him, staring deep into his soul and realizing suddenly that this version of events isn't exactly the same, after all. Unlike the last encounter, this cup of chocolate milk has a certain twinkle in his eye, a relaxed and suave nature that simply wasn't there the first time around. This universe is the same but different; a little more flirty, a little more exciting... a little more gay. and then the thing that happens in the tingleverse begins to happen here: I fully submit to their gay power. what follows is a copious amount of intercourse between billy and the chocolate milk men, who are referred to in a variety of imaginative ways: [image] -the domineering beverage -the handsome chocolate milk -the milk blob bandits -the muscular beverage -this liquid gang -the gang of rough and tumble dairies -the chocolate milk gang -this chocolaty bandit -the handsome dessert beverage -the cocoa bandit -the delicious dairy treat -the milky beings [image] whose genitals and other physical attributes are described thusly: -sweet dessert cock -erect chocolate dick -massive chocolate shaft -sweet bandit abs -liquid balls -their sugary strength -smooth sugary flavor and who delight our hero with their -sweet and sugary fullness [image] [image] and cover him in -massive loads of warm cocoa -pearly brown glaze -a fountain of milky, chocolate spunk [image] and cause him to utter such loving cries as: -"Yes!" I urge them on, "More milk! Cover my face!" -"Give me those milky cowboy cocks." -"Cover me in your milk!" I command. "Shoot those fucking loads all over this bad, bad cowboy!" -"God damn, these chocolate milk dicks are so fucking good." I confess. "Do you like that fat dairy dick?" The chocolate milk asks me in his deep, soulful voice. "Do you love it up your tight gay asshole?" "Yes, I love that fat chococock in my tight ass! I wish I had more to fuck!" I scream, lost in the moment. [image] and billy is equally appreciated by the chocolate milk men: -"Not bad, cowboy!" Gargles one of the blobs. it's an unconventional love story, but it is full of mutual admiration and a ton of calcium. and the best ending to anything ever (typos aside): (view spoiler)[ I press the button again, and again, and again; each time walking up in a word more erotic than the last until eventually all matter and light begins to decay and warp. All of existence transforms and melts away until even the button itself no longer exists, simply the thought of its click permeating through all space and time forever. I cum harder than any being ever has, or ever will, and then literally become the universe, which is now made of abs. (hide spoiler)] she does not approve [image] but this ain't your momma's chocolate milk, anyway but it might be my favorite tingle so far. [image]come to my blog! ...more |
Notes are private!
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none
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1
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not set
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Jun 17, 2015
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Jun 17, 2015
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Kindle Edition
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| B00UE8KCW4
| 3.43
| 28
| Mar 07, 2015
| Mar 07, 2015
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "roma HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "romance week." hey, beasts - bring on the romance! *********************************************** [image] I'm violated by the living junk food you might say - "karen, don't you know a donut is not a monster?! why is this book on your monsters-are-dirrrrrrrty shelf instead of just on your books-are-dirrrrrrty shelf?? well, not all monsters are scary (and i'm learning that very few of them are sexxy), and i figure the difference between the two shelves is that the books-are-dirrrrrrty. shelf contains all the silly eroticas i read, but the monsters-are-dirrrrrrrty shelf is reserved for the stuff you probably can't do at home. to that end: have sex with a rock troll?? monsters are dirty. have sex with your amish cousin?? books are dirty. have sex with a giant slug? monsters are dirty. have sex with a hipster slave boy? books are dirty. have sex with gigantic talking gay donuts?? i'm gonna call "monster" on this one. [image] so here we have three dudes, fresh outta high school, going on a pre-college road trip from their native ohio to southern california, having a gay old time. but they soon realize that despite the change of scenery, nothing is really different, and they have only tans to show for their journey, not lasting memories. our group is coming face to face with the fact that, deep down, we might just be really boring gay men. mike is not going to waste another moment of this vacation - he's gonna make sure to do something amazing before he has to head back to ohio. but what?? We had heard tales about the utterly depraved donut scene in San Diego, but deep down I had always considered the idea of living, talking, gay pastries to be a purely European thing. living, talking, gay pastries? sounds like the perfect way to salvage a disappointing vacation! and san diego! here's a little backstory, since you will not remember the pastry fucking act of 2016, unless you have a time machine and are using it in a very specific way: Once the promiscuous nature of these living baked goods was completely exposed, human/donut fucking was entirely outlawed; gay, straight, all of it. The ruling led to a whole slew of human rights arguments, but despite the fact that living donuts could talk, think, and even love, they were still not considered to be legally human and therefore not afforded the same basic privileges. (so i was right - monsters!!!) after searching around town for the hobo signs indicating where friends of the donuts could be found, mike makes some masterfully coded inquiries of a donut purveyor: "Apple fritter? Maple bar?" I hesitate for a moment, not quite sure how to go about this. "Do you have anything a little… gayer?" [image] and he manages to get the secret password to a donut speakeasy. inside, it's all very exciting and hot, with men everywhere drinking tall glasses of milk, and then mike sees a sign for something called "the big glaze." and we get some exposition "This is a gay donut bar as you can see. Most of the gay donuts packed up and moved to Europe when they were outlawed, which is straight up unconstitutional if you ask me, but a few of them stayed behind. Now they live in hiding, but the donut community has found a way to let them work under the table, providing a particular service that is commonly referred to as glazing. mike innocently asks him to elaborate about this "glazing" practice. "It means that one man is going to suck off a whole dozen gay donuts, and then they are going to glaze his face in hot, sugary cum." oh! well that sounds lovely!! and that will certainly be a memory for the vacation scrapbook! and to beat the current record, all he has to do is pleasure 16 giant gay donuts of all varieties: chocolate, coconut, rainbow sprinkles - whatever comes his way. [image] mike is ready to go onstage and give those sweet sugary donut cocks his all. or take their all. i'm not really sure which is more precise. but so what do gay donuts look like, really? [image] The next thing I know, a handsome, floating donut is approaching me from either side. The pastries are absolutely gorgeous, muscular and toned with massive dicks hanging down from their frosted, circular bodies. and how does a 16-donut on one man encounter work?? well, there's some sweet dirty talk "Yeah, suck that sprinkled cock." and "Cover my fucking face with your sugary frosting." I beg, starting to get into it now. "Use me as your gay donut cum dumpster." [image] and some very inventive imagery that bridges the gap between hungry and horny -hot, steamy frosting -cum frosting -my eyes are now completely caked shut with sugary semen. -I'm utterly glazed with donut semen. because yeah - spoiler alert -mike does indeed get glazed. [image] Now that I've got four loads to contend with, I'm finally starting to feel the jizz blend together and form a thin sheen of glazed icing across my face. It's like wearing a mask at the spa, only warmer and many times more explicit. he is glazed by maple bars with their syrupy balls, by the pink-frosted, and the besprinkled, and these hotties: Two floating donuts approach me with their cocks in their tiny baked hands, beating off and looking down at my fit body as it lies contorted below them. One of them is covered in dark brown chocolate sprinkles while the other sports an incredibly arousing coat of coconut shavings. i mean, coconut…phoar. [image] and at the end of it all, both the donuts: The living confectionary starts to moan from his single, circular opening and mike: I have never been so horny in my entire life, consumed by the taboo nature of this human on pastry encounter. have a wonderful time. [image] HOWEVER, as a budding chuck tingle scholar, i have to wonder - there is such an emphasis on these donuts being gay and there are lines like this: The donut plows into me, pumping up and down and using me like a gay human sex toy and yet in tingle's masterpiece Space Raptor Butt Invasion we have this exchange: "I mean, it's not gay if it's a dude raptor and a dude human, right?" I ask. "Totally not gay." Says the dinosaur. is this "no homo" rule only applied to men and space dinosaurs? are donuts closer to humans in their DNA? what will this discovery do towards upholding the gay pastry act of 2016? guess we'll just have to wait and see [image]come to my blog! ...more |
Notes are private!
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none
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1
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not set
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Jun 08, 2015
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Jun 08, 2015
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Kindle Edition
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| B00S4B95RQ
| 3.59
| 228
| Jan 11, 2015
| Jan 11, 2015
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deaf to my topless pleas to stop being so kindle-exclusive and come on over to my nook, i thought i would never get to read a chuck tingle story. [ima deaf to my topless pleas to stop being so kindle-exclusive and come on over to my nook, i thought i would never get to read a chuck tingle story. [image] no?? no tinglers for me? but thanks to an angel of the internet, who i will gladly name if given the go-ahead, i was FINALLY able to read a book by this chuck tingle fella who has taken the monsterporn world by storm. from all the articles and interviews i have read, and from his phenomenal high-definition but lazily photoshopped book covers and magnetic poetry style titles, i thought this was going to be the ne plus ultra of monsterotica. and yet… i don't understand. from all the excerpts, i thought this was going to be the funniest, most over-the-top thing i would ever read. but it's the normcore of monsterporn. it's like he just wrote a story and then had some dinosaur sex in it at the end. there's … detail and set-building and character development. step off, raymond carver - this isn't how it's done!! where are my typos?? where is all the weird, silly fun that is the The entire wall is translucent, showing off a truly breathtaking view of a hilly grey landscape beyond where two separate moons hang brilliantly in the dark sky. If I hadn't seen this view every morning for far longer than I'd care to remember, I might even be moved to tears by the sight, a real manifestation of mankind's commitment to science and space travel. [image] less asimov, more ass-imov, please! but don't worry, it's coming. so our hero is all alone in the barren landscape of space. ooooor iiiiiis he? no, he isn't. there's also a velociraptor in a spacesuit named orion who thought he was all alone in the "empty solar system," sent to explore the universe from his home planet… earth two. orion is very articulate for a lizard, overcoming his anatomy to achieve all kinds of glottal and labiodental sounds: …I'm assuming that back on Earth One you were taught that my people died in some kind of ice age? Something like that?" but - boy, is it lonely. emosaur [image] fortunately, now they are together and they can play ping-pong and talk late into the night, and if their friendship turns into something more… well, that's just natural, right?? …after a long night of ping pong and chowing down on astronaut ice cream, me and Orion find ourselves lounging on the couch and looking out over the grey hills together. and it's ON! but despite a few hilarious moments "You're gonna take that dinosaur dick and you're gonna like it." Orion tells me, taking me by the head and thrusting me down again. "You should have known better than to test me. My people have been fucking for billions of years before you humans we were even around." and despite the little glitches like that additional "we" there, it just feels too polished for monsterporn. and not like the polishing of the raptor rod. it's almost missing the spirit of monsterporn by focusing on the story. and that's not what i expected. i thought this was going to be the dirrrrrtiest, most coked-up hilarious version of monsterporn. but it's almost trying too hard. the ratio of story to sex scenes falls strongly on the side of story. which is a weird complaint for me to make, since i have gone on record time and again saying that i skim the sex scenes. but it's just not as much fun as others of its kind. it's more of a monster romance novel, where they get together in the end for a single steamy, filthy scene. i swear it's not just sour grapes for not making his stories more accessible to nookies like me, and i want to read all of them nonetheless. i just think that the covers and the titles are so so so good, i wish this story had lived up to the potential. maybe the one about the man who has sex with his own butt will be better. i still want you on my nook, tingle!! i will leave you with this "You've been a very bad astronaut." Orion tells me, his raptor face pressed hard against mine as we pump together in sweaty unison. "So you're gonna take my Jurassic load up your asshole and you're gonna like it." a chuck tingle cover gallery: [image][image][image] [image][image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image] [image][image] which i have to point out, is the same cover model from Monsters Made Me Gay: Yeti Gangbang [image][image][image][image][image][image][image][image][image] and the most meta of them all: [image] ...more |
Notes are private!
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none
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1
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not set
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May 04, 2015
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May 04, 2015
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Kindle Edition
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| B00UYC1ASU
| 3.83
| 234
| Mar 19, 2015
| Mar 19, 2015
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HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "roma HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY WEEK!! i'm going to be floating some of my favorite monsterporn reviews until thursday, since goodreads informs me this is "romance week." hey, beasts - bring on the romance! *********************************************** [image] thanks to eddie for making many of my tingles come true! without going into too much detail because you'll want to save some surprises when you read it, in this book we have a guy named kirk who uses science to combine DNA from his brain, his ass, and a hawk. the result? a flying butt with all of his memories and personality traits. [image] he takes his ass to dinner [image] and they totally make out [image] ...and more... [image] it's a fairytale romance, tingle style!!! **************************************************** SERIOUSLY!!!! someone needs to either let me borrow their kindle or give this guy my home address. i don't think i am exaggerating when i say IF I DON'T READ ALL OF HIS BOOKS, I AM GOING TO DIE. [image]come to my blog! ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Jun 08, 2015
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Mar 24, 2015
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Kindle Edition
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my rating |
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| 3.00
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not set
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Jul 14, 2019
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| 3.47
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Dec 27, 2018
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Dec 27, 2018
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| 3.44
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Nov 30, 2018
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Nov 30, 2018
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| 2.50
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Oct 22, 2018
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Oct 21, 2018
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| 3.00
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Aug 15, 2018
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Aug 15, 2018
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| 3.50
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Jul 22, 2018
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Jul 22, 2018
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| 3.31
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Jun 24, 2018
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Jun 24, 2018
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| 3.82
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May 24, 2018
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May 24, 2018
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| 3.27
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Jan 09, 2018
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Jan 07, 2018
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| 3.76
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Dec 27, 2018
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Jan 07, 2018
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| 3.37
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Feb 06, 2017
not set
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Feb 11, 2017
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| 3.93
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it was amazing
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Dec 14, 2016
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Dec 14, 2016
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| 0.00
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Sep 05, 2016
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Sep 05, 2016
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| 3.42
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liked it
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Apr 21, 2018
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Aug 20, 2016
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| 3.33
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Jul 03, 2016
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Jul 05, 2016
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| 3.19
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Jul 2016
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Jun 30, 2016
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| 3.33
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May 21, 2016
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May 22, 2016
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| 3.74
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Sep 25, 2018
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Apr 10, 2016
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| 3.90
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it was amazing
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Dec 21, 2015
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Dec 21, 2015
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| 4.15
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Jan 21, 2016
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Dec 20, 2015
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| 3.66
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Dec 19, 2015
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Dec 20, 2015
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| 3.79
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Nov 21, 2015
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Nov 22, 2015
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| 3.41
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Aug 20, 2015
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Aug 20, 2015
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| 4.00
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Aug 20, 2015
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Aug 20, 2015
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| 4.12
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Sep 14, 2015
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Aug 20, 2015
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| 4.33
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Aug 03, 2015
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Aug 03, 2015
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| 3.60
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Jun 17, 2015
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Jun 17, 2015
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| 3.43
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Jun 08, 2015
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Jun 08, 2015
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| 3.59
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May 04, 2015
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May 04, 2015
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| 3.83
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Jun 08, 2015
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Mar 24, 2015
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