this book was an intriguing look into what is typically looked at as multiple personality disorder; i'd never learned much about it aside from passingthis book was an intriguing look into what is typically looked at as multiple personality disorder; i'd never learned much about it aside from passing (and mostly negative) commentary in the form of judgments and derision from someone calling someone 'psycho.' this author, though, clearly has a great grasp on the psychology of the disorder, and it was evident she also had a history with hollywood, at least in a voiceover capacity. or if she didn't, she really did her research. the story-- despite its ups and downs and hooks back through time and loops through the entertainment industry, to say nothing of the five separate characters living in holly's head-- felt very natural. it flowed rather well, and while the substory of her romance with peter felt a bit hackneyed, i understood its importance as a parallel to show how holly's life and priorities changed. the writing was beautiful, the details wonderful, and the ending quite satisfying. i enjoyed this story immensely and would recommend it to anyone looking for a not terribly difficult but not-too-fluffy read. perfect fare for a relaxed reader with a brain intact....more
**spoiler alert** alright stephenie meyer, sack up. look at me. LOOK AT ME. look and listen, you cerebellum-crushing trollop, for i have had it up to**spoiler alert** alright stephenie meyer, sack up. look at me. LOOK AT ME. look and listen, you cerebellum-crushing trollop, for i have had it up to HERE with you, and i'm 5'10" so that's a lot of here to have. you and me? we are so over. sure, i came into this relationship knowing you've been around and i didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of your literary hobaggin'. i mean if the library bookshelves were a town, you would totally be its bicycle. by which i mean slut. by which i mean every single tweenage to thirty-something woman in as many countries as is allowable has gobbled your goods and demanded more and you've primped and preened on your throne, typos, flimsy characters and plot holes be damned. what i'm trying to say is you are a hoor and you totally don't care about my opinion because you have made eleventy billion dollars off your sparkly franchise, but i've got news for you, lady: i am not enthralled. that's right. i'm leaving. nevermind the fact that you hoodwinked me and i gave you the best weeks of my life slaving through these books for you, it shall be NO MORE.
seriously, woman. have you no shame? no honor? no thesaurus? the only way i could stand to read these things was to pirate the audiobook format and listen to them at work so that i was at least getting *paid* to have my brain systematically siphoned out of my head, bit by squishy bit. i gagged through twilight. i bitched through new moon. i even facepalmed through eclipse. and then came the finale of breaking dawn, wherein i hit the brick wall like a crash test dummy at a car plant that's no longer in service because this economy sucks so really, stop hoarding your shiny vampire money and give something to charity or whatever because you're a twit and i hate your books and there are people who need houses and things like that.
ANYWAY, i just...words have failed me. i think the only person who can save me is the dramallama herself. here we go bella, take it away.
zomg hi guys it's bella. don't pull a jake and freak on me here, i'm just surrounding my story in squiggly sideways words to act as a ~shield~ to protect myself from outside sources who just don't understand. i'll ttly explain later k? k.
so anyway, my luv edward is gonna marry me, right? and to protect me before he does, he got me this super expensive sports car that is really boss but i hate it because it's amazing and a symbol of his protection over me and i hate amazing things except for edward's face because it's so amazing and i haven't mentioned its amazing contours and cheekbones and sparkles in awhile, but it's totally awesome. but this car is stupid and i hate it, and my wedding dress is beautiful and alice totally barbie-dolls me and my mom and dad are totally down with me getting married which is weird, considering they were totally against me doing stupid things a few books ago but whatevs. so i get married and i'm gorgeous and i *hate* it and eddie has to drag me to dance because ugh, who wants to look happy and have a good time on the happiest day of her life, am i right? then jake shows back up from running around canada as a wolf after i told him i was marrying the vampire and he goes all dramarama at my fricking wedding and like tries to kill my husband, or something. idk. whatev. so eddie and i are finally hubby wifey and we jetset off to this island of perfection and i hate it because it's so perfect and there's french lingerie in my luggage and i'm going to KILL ALICE for packing this stuff because the *last* thing i need on my honeymoon in tropical paradise with my hot as holy fudge boyfriend is SEXUAL NEGLIGES. jeez. i am totally shielding you from this part because our secks life is not for your eyes, mortals. gtfo.
sooooo then i totally conceive a vampire child and i'm not sure but i think the convo kinda went, 'hey edward, remember how i've never wanted kids ever at all in the 1500 pages of these books and gave up the idea of having them to be with you?' and he's all 'yeah what of it' and i'm all 'well i think i'm pregnant with one' and he's all 'are you shitting me' and i'm all 'did you just use a curse word?' and he goes 'sorry you just said you're pregnant with a demonseed' and i'm like 'well glory be it's not MY fault you didn't use a condom' and he's all 'yeah vampires aren't allergic to sunlight or garlic but holy frig we hate latex, it's awful' and i had to snap my fingers a bit and be like, 'FOCUS, GUY, this is about a kid and not your p33n,' so he's all 'shit, i guess i'd better call my dad so we can get that thing extracted from you because a vampire baby is the culmination of all evil, like, way to go with your human uterus that can apparently foster my devilsperm' and i'm all 'but i love my baby thing' and he's like 'are you for sure' and i'm like 'totally' and he goes 'oh jesus christ okay fine the honeymoon's over let's go home' and so we do. ~*~*~*~shieldshieldshieldshield~*~*~*~
uh, okay. hi. jacob black here. a third of this story is mine, so, i'll just go over the basics: i love bella and i run around a lot breaking my pants when i turn into a wolf because i am angsty. i'm totally ready to kill the cullen family for turning bella into a vampire and i want to wage war on them when my pack doesn't want to and then they say they're going to kill her and her demonbaby thing and i'm all woah now hold up ain't nobody killing my woman and werewolves are SO ANNOYING when they remind you that she's not your woman so i'm like screw you guys, i'm going home. and due to some mumbo jumbo blibbety blobbity bloop i can create my own pack because i'm a werewolf ninja zenmaster, and i decide to warn the cullens and edward says the baby is going to kill bella and could i please have sex with her to give her wolf cub babies so she doesn't die. neither of us seem to glom onto the fact that the woman we love is a complete and total batshit moron. i ask why they don't just feed the baby blood, because duh, and somehow, this whole clan of vampires INCLUDING A DOCTOR missed that point. so bella, who way back when freaked out at the mere smell of blood in biology, starts drinking gallons of blood like kool-aid and all is well and good and then when we're unsupervised she knocks over a cup because her klutziness is what moves the plot forward nine times out of ten, and she kicks the baby into labor or something and starts dying and then edward and i have to play like it's a game of operation which sucks because i hated that game and always lost the pieces. yadda yadda baby breaks her ribs and spine, edward tears into her stomach with his teeth, veins popping everywhere, eyes glazing over, terrorizing vampire child that bites its mothers neck and gets named motherfuck RENESEMEE, because it's just stupid enough to fit, blah blah blah, edward bites her, i must kill the child that has killed the love of my life and it has bella's eyes and oh my god i'm in love with it and i've imprinted on nessie the monsterbaby and bella's probably gonna kill me but i don't care because she's busy at the moment so whatever.
~*~*~shieldshieldshieldshield~*~*~ hi guys it's bella again. i thought i'd check in while i'm lying on this table in the most agonizing pain EVER, EVER EVER EVER EVER but remind me not to move or make a sound because it might upset edward who has agreed to damn me to heck or make me pretty and an eternal vampire, or whatever it is. anyway, he's all having existental crises over turning me or whatever but hello, um, OW this hurts. burn burn burn, pain pain pain, burn and pain and burn and pain and burn and pain for like 50 pages or something and then time slowed and the world revealed itself to me and i opened my eyes and the lights in which my retinas bathed were the sharpest of crystalline HD and my edward was more beautiful than any mortal could recognize, and i did a backflip summersault triple saucow off the table and into some stiletto heals. all of this happened in a fraction of a piece of a second and the world i lived in was full of wonder at my beauty, at my marvel of self-control, and of my blue silk gown in which i went hunting because my rare vampiric gift is that of self-restraint and it turns out i don't have to sacrifice anything as a vampire. i have the wonderful sex and i love my family and i spend time with my father, my child and my best friend who loves her and will be my son in law but i am angry about that for one eighty-fourth of a nano second because character challenges and obstacles are not becoming to newborn vampires who are supposed to be insatiable monsters craving naught but blood and carniage. all of this happened in one sixtieth of a second, mind you, and without a single stumble or faceplant. there was some hullabaloo over the vulturi coming to destroy my dear nessie, but my family rounded up some vampires from all corners of the globe to testify that my daughter is not the antichrist, i learned how to activate my mental shield to protect all of us from their vulturi powers, and they went away and nothing happened and we all lived happily ever after, because nothing spells happiness like being a mother to a child named after a sea monster for eternity. ~*~*~shield~*~*~
so in essence, piss off, stephenie meyer. you have toyed with my heart for the last time. BE GONE WITH YE. and in case you were wondering, you only clamped that extra star out of me because a third of the book was from jacob's point of view but that's no compliment because seriously, what the fuck. the end....more
**spoiler alert** oh, eclipse. i hereby don thee with a heaping dollop of 'mehhhhhh' garnished with 'uh, srsly?' while saying this book was not as hei**spoiler alert** oh, eclipse. i hereby don thee with a heaping dollop of 'mehhhhhh' garnished with 'uh, srsly?' while saying this book was not as heinous as the last two in its quartet of vampiric high school dramz is basically tantamount to saying i enjoyed getting my toenails pulled out slightly more than i enjoyed cleaving my arms off with a saw blade, i will allow that there was somewhat less edward admiration and/or jacob waffle in this portion. but that's not saying much. why? because there was still a shitton of both and added to the froth was a new component: bella's GUILT over things that were SO NOT HER FAULT OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHY. this is interesting, because honestly, though this is a first person narrative, three books in we barely know beautiful ugly duckling i mean bella swan. let us visit her hypothetical diary entries that she may have had time to hash out between cooking dinner for her ungrateful absentee father and waiting by the windows for her her stalktastic vampire boyfriend and/or even stalktastickier werewolf best friend, shall we? oh, let's. and then let's shoot ourselves up with dr cullen's morphine to make us forget we ever did.
'dear diary which might be schoolbook margins bc i don't do anything at home except cook and clean and do nothing at school except stare at edward's perfect pretty so in the end who knows where i'm writing this,
so, omg i am bella swan i will vaguely mention there have been some total murders in seattle but more importantly i am STILL HUMAN WTF. i am counting down the days to graduation bc then i get turned into a vampire by my eddiepoo but apparently i am not counting hard enough bc when eddiekins and his sis alice point out that i graduate in mere weeks i'm all ARE YOU KIDDING ME OH MY LAWDS and while i'm here at school, has anybody seen a teacher because apparently i'm caught in a love triangle but i don't know what a triangle is bc i get no edjumacation during this book and does anybody know what angles add up to 180 so i can get out of this thing. srsly, i'm all hanging with the jacob and the werewolves learning about their life stories like it's the olympics of tall tales or something, and then alice is holding me hostage bc i wanted to visit the werewolves who are all bitchy towards the vampires and then edward is all 'well maybe you can visit after all' and i'm all 'omg you couldn't have told me that AFTER you followed me on the road like a stalker' and he doesn't even have to apologize bc he is too beautiful and sparkly for that human nonsense, and anyway i learn from the werewolves that i totally love jake bc even though he's a dramarama he keeps kissraping me and apparently when you get frenched enough you figure out you love somebody, which is srsly not fair bc jacob said he'd kill himself if i didn't kiss him and edward laughed about it just like when my dad laughed when i broke my hand punching jacob after he kiss-raped me *before*, like, THANKS ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE. also diary, did you know vampires can still get into heaven if they don't have sex before marriage? i learned that from my wonderful edward who knows everything. turns out it doesn't matter that he's killed people and bought my way into dartmouth or whatever, if he touches me in my pajingo before we're all hubby-wifey, he'll go to HECK. so that's bad.
ANYWAY, at some point during 600 pages i was forced to listen to edward's siblings and how they wish they were human bc they totes got turned vampy against their beautiful debutante/soldier-type wills, but i'm all 'whatevs, I WANT TO BE IMMORTAL with a skin temperature that would keep caviar fresh thx' and even though ed's bro emmet was totally in the army back in the day, he totally misses the fact that the murders happening in seattle is an army of vampires led by my ARCH NEMESIS VICTORIA who sent in a flunky to STEAL MY CLOTHES WHICH IS SO NOT COOL. so plot device i mean alice sees 200 pages into the future to plant us on some dumb mountain covered in snow to fight the newbie vampires and it's SO COLD at night in my stupid tent that it requires jacob 'the space heater' to get all naked with me in a sleeping bag WHILE EDWARD WATCHES, OMG I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY OWN DRAMA) and then everybody fucks up in battle bc victoria shows up all 'um, yeah, i sent my army of vampires as a diversion, DUH' which i guess we should have seen coming, ALICE. anyway, we and the werewolf brat pack kill the vampires anyway and the vultures from italy are all 'well you did our job for us' and dakota fanning who swears she's named jane looked particularly upset about it but that's what *happens* when you show up late. and then i had to go break jake's heart by telling him i'm marrying edward because he won't not talk about it ever and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get some action, and so he turns into a wolf and scampers away forevar. oh and i graduated high school somewhere in there. now when do i get to have sex and become immortal darnit? man, life is hard.
xoxoxoow i just papercut myself, bella cullen, bitchez'
...and just like before, you know i'm reading the next one. i hear there's some demonic child-baring action so at least we know edward can get it up....more
a friend at work loaned this to me some time ago, and when i finally got around to reading it i wish i'd done sooner. it's very cute, very charming, aa friend at work loaned this to me some time ago, and when i finally got around to reading it i wish i'd done sooner. it's very cute, very charming, and a very accessible look at what's being called western taoism, as it were. i'm in that navel-gazing self-searching phase of my 20's wherein i try to figure out just what ism i subscribe to, if any, and this book was a cute and functional way to further my studies. the creatures 100 acre wood are by their very nature archetypal, but seeing them laid out within the framework of chaung-tse was enlightening in its way. i particularly enjoyed viewing pooh as an uncarved block, or rather, someone who is unfettered by expectations or anxiety. he just is, and therefore he is content. also, it amused me to read about the bisy backson's, or rather those who are so focused on doing and accomplishing that they have no time to enjoy life as it sits before them.
it's not a life-changing read, but it's charming and a good way to break into philosophy if you like it wrapped in a bit of honey and bear wisdom....more
i freaking loved this book when i was a kid. no joke. summer camp, or at any rate, weeks spent away from home in a bunk, tent, or dorm setting was thei freaking loved this book when i was a kid. no joke. summer camp, or at any rate, weeks spent away from home in a bunk, tent, or dorm setting was the highlight of my year from when i was in second grade through the summer before i went to college. this book captured camp, real sleep-away, woodsy, all-out camp fantastically. my daycare had a battered copy of this in their bookshelves and i'd go back to it routinely, probably two or three times a year at the very least. it was just plain good to read. ...more
i absolutely adored this book when we read it in 5th grade; i tore through it in about three days when we were supposed to read it installments over ai absolutely adored this book when we read it in 5th grade; i tore through it in about three days when we were supposed to read it installments over a month. this is the first book that ever made me cry, and taught me that stories don't always end happily or go smoothly. it is by rights, though, a gorgeous story....more