I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. - Neil Gaiman I feel that adequately sums up the gist of this book.
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II think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. - Neil Gaiman I feel that adequately sums up the gist of this book.
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If you don't already know, this tells the story of a young woman who had an adulterous affair with a man she refused to name which resulted in a child. It's not hard to for the reader to figure out who he is, and when her husband comes back to town he also figures it out, then sets about mentally torturing him for years. Meanwhile, because the woman committed the crime/sin of adultery, she is sentenced to wear a piece of cloth with the letter A emblazoned on it. In scarlet. <--in case you hadn't guessed that part.
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I have to give a mention to the "introduction". Now, I read this book back in high school for my English class. And this time around I re-read it with my daughter who is also reading it for her high school English class - except now they call it Language Arts, I think. Anyway, her teacher told her they could skip the introduction. But being a full-grown adult, I decided to read the whole thing. And I did, but damn my mind wandered. There was a lot of nonsense just to say that our anonymous narrator found a scarlet cloth with the letter A on it, and a short explanation about Hester Prynne which inspired him to write a story about her. I said all that to say this, maybe my kid's teacher had the right idea.
This is not the easiest book to read thanks to Hawthorne's penchant for using twenty words when one would do, so it's not the most interesting thing to hand to high school kids. Honestly, I don't know why they continue to make children suffer through so many of these classics and then wonder why kids don't like to read anymore, but there you go.
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Alright. I don't know if the ending is supposed to sound hopeful, but it makes me ill to think that someone might have actually felt that way about it. The townspeople respect her when it's all said and done with because she persevered and took her lumps like a boss. But who cares if you win the respect of sanctimonious assholes? She should have stayed with the then-grown Pearl, wherever she was. Why not enjoy your daughter? Why not find someone new? Or better yet, just find something new to do? Move on, goddammit. But she couldn't let go of that guilt. And the thing is, most guilt is relative to a belief system, not to any reality. I mean, would she feel so oppressively guilty now? No. She would have gotten a divorce from her husband, or not married him at all. And I'm betting he would have just simply decided that women were the pits & gone back to his research. Who knows, she & Arthur might even have lasted for a few years before she decided he was a douchy waste of space. At which point, they would have parted ways and he and Hester would have shared custody of Pearl. The end.
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This book is a lot of things, and you can take so much away from reading it. A look at the old Puritanical New England, an expose on women being punished more severely than men when it comes to sexual morality, or even the hypocrisy that allows someone to preach against the thing that they themselves are guilty of doing in the dark. For me personally, my main takeaway is that wasting your life feeling guilty is maybe the biggest sin out there. You have to forgive yourself and move on. If not, you'll end up just like Hester. Alone on the outskirts of town, sitting in a cottage giving (probably terrible) advice to young women who are in trouble, hoping that it will eventually be enough penance to earn you a place in Heaven.
You get what anybody gets - you get a lifetime. - Also Neil Gaiman
This book embodies the term swashbuckling. As in, Don Diego de la Vega swashes and buckles better than anyone who has ever held a sword and loved a womThis book embodies the term swashbuckling. As in, Don Diego de la Vega swashes and buckles better than anyone who has ever held a sword and loved a woman.
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I still can't make up my mind if it was great or awful but I enjoyed it either way. Zorro sings, winks at his friends, taunts his enemies, steals romantic kisses from his betrothed, and generally is just the best at everything right up to the last page. Is it at all realistic? No. But dammit, it's exactly what we want to see!
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The Further Adventures continues with a character we thought was dead at the end of the last book, the evil Caption Ramon, rising up from the grave to haunt Zorro and his soon-to-be bride, the lovely senorita Lolita. McCulley doesn't bother to explain why Ramon isn't still dead, he just flitters past it with a quick little - he recovered from getting run through with a sword and lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood for god knows how long before someone must have realized he was still alive and took him to the ER, where I'm sure they performed cutting edge surgery that saved his life, and now he's up and running about as though nothing happened - kind of explanation. In other words, Captain Ramon rises from the ashes like a phoenix because that first Zorro movie was a hit and now we're making a sequel.
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On the flip side, the somewhat morally ambiguous Sgt. Gonzales makes a complete turnaround and is now solidly on the side of angels. And Zorro's friends the bold caballeros, who honestly seem like a bunch of chivalrous frat boys, also play a bigger role in this book.
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Bill Homewood was perfect because he read this in an even more OTT way than anyone could have possibly asked him to do. I visualized the villain's twirling mustache, I saw Zorro skipping along the ship's rigging singing, and I felt faint as Senorita Lolita Pulido swooned. I should have been rolling my eyes but I was in love with his rendition of these characters.
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So prepare yourself, Random Goodreader. Pirates may make our hero walk the plank, but the power of friendship, shoddy rope-tying practices, and true love will eventually save the day! Recommended....more
Top to bottom, this was great. As an adventure story, this has it all - swordfights, near escapes, secret identities, romance, anSo. Much. Fun.
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Top to bottom, this was great. As an adventure story, this has it all - swordfights, near escapes, secret identities, romance, and deliciously colorful villains! Normally when I hear that something was serialized, I just assume it's going to be a bit too long and full of unnecessary filler that the author was using to pad out his word count. Not this time. McCulley wrote this in 5 easy installments, each one chock full of nothing but pulpy goodness.
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The story is seemingly set in the late 1700s to early 1800s when California was still under Spanish rule. Although, I'm not an expert and I believe some of the movies depict the time period as under Mexican rule. Point is, this was before California was a part of the United States and the West was still wild. Our hero, Don Diego Vega, is rich and handsome but pretends to be a lifeless dud so no one will suspect that he is actually the swashbuckling hero Zorro - righter of wrongs and defender of innocents!
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Fun Facts: In Spanish zorro means fox, so if you're wondering what all the references to the fox are about in this thing, there's your answer. Also, this was originally titled The Curse of Capistrano when it came out in 1919, but after the popularity of the silent film The Mark of Zorro, the book was re-released in 1924 with the same name.
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I wasn’t expecting to like it as much as The Scarlet Pimpernel, but I did. If I had to pick between the two of them it would be tough, and Orczy’s adventure tale has been my go-to for a classic that is actually fun to read for years. Highly Recommended!...more
The Mirror Crack'd A really good Christie mystery for Marple fans. The victim, Heather Babcock, is one of those idiots that get on everyone's nerves. You know, a pushy do-gooder that forces their help on everyone? It's not sad when she bites it.
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A Caribbean Mystery The magical Miss Marple does it again! Only this time she does it on a tropical vacation.
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Unlike quite a few of the Marple mysteries, this one heavily features everyone's favorite little old spinster. As in, she's not just a side character in her own story. I personally just love the way her inner mind works. So proper and sweet...but not really.
Nemesis Agatha isn't known for her sequels, but that's almost exactly what Nemisis is...in a way. Remember A Caribbean Mystery?! No? Yeah, well it was somewhat forgettable. But for whatever reason, Christie decided to use one of those characters that Jane teamed up with to kick start this mystery. And while most of them have absolutely nothing to do with her current Nemesis, you do get a tiny peek at what some of those guys are up to now. <--kinda cool
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What Mrs. McGillicuddy Saw! This story is also known as 4:50 from Paddington. Lucy Eyelesbarrow is the best thing about this book. Loved her. Why is she not in more books? She and Miss Marple were just an unbeatable team!
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The Body in the Library I figured it out! I knew whodunnit! I was smugly chuckling and congratulating myself on finally beating Agatha Christie at her own game as I listened to the end of the book drawing near, knowing that I had beaten the Queen of Mystery.
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Goddammit. She fooled me again. I was all like, wait...whatthefuckjusthappened?! - as I listened to the actual murderer get hauled off to the pokey. sighs
This one isn't a paranormal story at all but it does have that psychological The Pit and the Pendulum feel to it, especially at the end.
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BasicalThis one isn't a paranormal story at all but it does have that psychological The Pit and the Pendulum feel to it, especially at the end.
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Basically, a baby-faced idiot falls for a very bad woman that he thinks needs rescuing. You can see it coming from a mile away, but that makes it even more fun to watch. I mean, who doesn't like a good train wreck? And watching some youthful Romeo make an ass out of himself over a married woman is the kind of thing that ignites itself into just the best kind of flaming wreckage, imho.
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The ending was a nail-biter and I thought Le Fanu did a great job of stringing out the tension! Recommended....more
OH-KAY. Yes. This was spooky. This story comes from a friend of a friend of a friend who knows someone's third cousin who has heard alllll about the haOH-KAY. Yes. This was spooky. This story comes from a friend of a friend of a friend who knows someone's third cousin who has heard alllll about the haunted house that used to be occupied by Justice Harbottle from their brother-in-law. I know I'm not the only one who loves this type of wacky storytelling.
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Justice Harbottle is a smarmy judge who uses his power and influence to get innocent men and women sent to the gallows. The case that finally does him in is the husband of Harbottle's housekeeper, who he has brought up on trumped-up forgery charges and then sentenced to death, so he can keep sleeping with her.
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A little while later his ghost and all of Harbottle's old victims return and hold their own Night Court to pass judgment on him. The sentence? Death. They even give him an execution date. Ooooooooooh! How's this gonna go down?! <--I wondered
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Ok, fair warning, there was a little weird thing at the beginning where Harbottle and this supposed informant have a meeting, and it honestly doesn't do anything for the ghost story. I don't know why Le Fanu even put it in there unless he was getting paid by the word. BUT. The rest of this short was pretty great, and the narrator did a fabulous job. I listened to this as part of the collection In a Glass Darkly. Recommended....more
Pee-yew! My second stinker in a row from Le Fanu. I didn't think he could write anything could be more boring than Green Tea but he managed it. This timPee-yew! My second stinker in a row from Le Fanu. I didn't think he could write anything could be more boring than Green Tea but he managed it. This time around, our main character is stalked by a small man. Yes, you read that right.
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Ok. So it starts with this guy, Captain Barton, a retired navy man who gets engaged to this pretty young woman. On the way home from her house one night, he gets stalked by someone invisible, then finds a sinister note the next day warning him to stay off of that street. I should mention that he's an atheist. So. Yeah. Now, he's going to learn the hard way that the spiritual stuff is REAL.
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Things escalate when he sees this sinister looking small man a few days later while he's out with friends. He freaks out and goes home and everyone is all, what just happened, duuude?, but they assume he'll be fine. He is not fine, as it turns out. The small man is some sort of supernatural stalker.
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Obviously, he's wronged someone (probably the small man) and this is his punishment. Unfortunately, the spirit stalker never really does anything. He just kind of shows up every now and then. His old acquaintance and maybe someday father-in-law tries to help him, but everywhere they go this little guy pops up...and lurks. And that's the part that I don't get. THIS DUDE NEVER DOES ANYTHING THAT WOULD FRIGHTEN A READER.
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I understand that it would be freaky as hell if you were literally being followed by a dead guy you had fucked over. But that doesn't make for a scary story. Small Man needed to reach out with his icy fingers and touch the back of Barton's neck while he was in a spooky house by himself. Or something! It's just not all that chilling when this ghost dude goes and says things like “Monsieur is walking too fast; he will lose his sick comrade in the throng, for, by my faith, the poor gentleman seems to be fainting.” to the father-in-law. What is he? The Spirit of Helpfulness? Uuuuuugh. There was never a moment where I was interested in any part of this tale. In case you're wondering, the moral of the story is that the guy learns to believe in God.
Weird and extremely boring. I was listening to the audiobook and I must have had to rewind about a thousand times because I'd just space out due to thWeird and extremely boring. I was listening to the audiobook and I must have had to rewind about a thousand times because I'd just space out due to the terrible quality of the storytelling.
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The gist is that this dude drinks Green Tea while studying ancient religions. Too much Green Tea later will open your third eye. Apparently. Because the next thing you know, he's on a bus and suddenly this demon monkey appears to him. He sees it all the time and it drives him crazy. He appeals to a non-practicing doctor who believes in the spiritual side of things in the hopes that this guy can help him.
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This was bad. Just from start to finish. Green tea and a demon monkey? Getthefuckoutofhere....more
Oh...kay. So this was the last book in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That second book tricked me into thinking this last one was going to be, I don't Oh...kay. So this was the last book in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That second book tricked me into thinking this last one was going to be, I don't know, fast-paced & action-y? Not so much. It was actually quite long. In fact, I didn't think it was ever going to end. And then once it did end and that ring got dumped off into a volcano and they beat Sauron back? It kept going. I shit you not, there is an entire fake history lesson written into the back of the book.
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Alright. The best way I can describe the last TWO HOURS of the audiobook version of this is to say that it reminded me of those books in the Bible where so-n-so begat so-n-so. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, so two fucking hours of made-up names of kings and their made-up kingdoms and a snippet of something these people did. I HONESTLY COULD NOT HAVE CARED ANY LESS. By the end of it, I really felt like I could have used a Sam to drag my ass across the finish line.
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But I didn't have a brave little Hobbit who loved me, so I just had to put my head down and plow through this shit. PS - all of you who told me there was some awesome love story between Aragorn and Arwen? Fuck you guys. That was awful and I can't believe I was looking forward to reading that. What is wrong with you people?! Legolas and Gimli had a better love story with a much happier ending. And the thing is, I really thought I'd like Sam & Frodo more, but they were both just too weepy for my taste. As far as buddies went, I was team Gimli & Legolas all the way.
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A big part of my frustration with this last book is that there were just so. many. unnecessary. conversations. That time Aragorn had a 30 minute discussion about herbs with the healers who didn't know what that herb was that he needed to heal all the people with the black shadow sickness. The scene went on and on and on as he talked to one old lady nay, me lord! I didn't know whatthefuckever herb was good for healing! and then he talks to the top healer dude who says we only use whatthefuckever to occasionally to make sick rooms smell better, sire. and then he has to shake his head sadly and then and get people to run around looking for it and then they find some of it but it's a few weeks old and it turns out that 3 week old whatthefuckever is still good enough to heal the folks... And then he makes a joke about how silly all the healers were later. <--Ahahahahaha! Yes. It was hilarious that you wasted all that time talking about an insignificant herb! Move it along, sir.
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Good stuff? 1) The friendships. There was a lot more hugging and kissing and crying than I thought there would be in a tale about a bunch of dudes. It was sweet. And it was nice to see such deep feelings expressed between men (and elves and dwarves and Ents and horses). 2) Eowyn. She was cool and badass and all the things. If the whole book had been about her, I think I would have liked it a lot more. 3) Really it was just Eowyn. Sorry.
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I wanted to love this, and I went into book 3 with the best of intentions. I swear. I didn't read it just to dump on the world's most beloved fantasy novel. I still respect the hell out of the entire trilogy even though I really can't say that I liked it or enjoyed it much. And I definitely don't regret finally finishing this and ticking it off of my bucket list. Well worth it to know the story that spawned a thousand more stories. Recommended for people who like this stuff....more
Not one tower, but TWO towers. You are definitely getting your money's worth here, my friend.
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Also, less singing here than in the 1st book. But stNot one tower, but TWO towers. You are definitely getting your money's worth here, my friend.
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Also, less singing here than in the 1st book. But still plenty of singing. <--don't you worry your crusty Hobbit feet about it if that was your jam last time around.
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Ok, so this one surprised me. I thought it was going to be an absolute chore to get through. Boring walks, long-ass songs, and nothing much in the way of forward plot movement. <--is what I thought this whole book would be like. But NO! Once this thing got going it really got going. There were all kinds of battles and shit! People popping up from the dead! Big fuckin' trees walking all around!
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And there was some actually before-his-time girl power here! Honestly, I'm not used to reading shit like that coming out of a female character's mouth from a book that was written at the same time James Bond was talking about the sweet tang of rape in Casino Royale. You get an extra fucking star from me for that one line, Mr. Tolkien.
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Alright. Just so you don't think I've turned over an entirely new leaf and can now somehow get excited over books that ramble, this one definitely had its moments. Moments that tested my patience. Like the part where we've just been on a whole long walking adventure with Pippin, Merry, and the Ents, and then they meet up with all the other LotR dudes. You would think all that would be necessary would be a line about how Merry & Pippin told the other dudes what they had been through. And Lo! Merry and Pippin caught everyone up on the shenanigans with the Ents. And yet...they gave a full recap.
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But this was such (for me) an easier read than the 1st book. I'm (dare I say it?) almost looking forward to The Return of the King! Recommended!...more
As far as I can tell this looks to be exactly what it says it is, so if you're looking for all of Miss Marple's shorts, this wouldn't be a bad purchasAs far as I can tell this looks to be exactly what it says it is, so if you're looking for all of Miss Marple's shorts, this wouldn't be a bad purchase. Each story is linked to a slightly longer review for anyone interested in a particular one.
The Tuesday Night Club The Origin of The Marple! Yes, this is the first Miss Marple story, and I don't really think you can call yourself a superfan if you haven't read this one. #loser
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The Idol House of Astarte The beautiful young socialite, Diana Ashley, convinces the other guests to play dress up and go out to the supposedly sacred grove of Astarte (on the property) that had a small temple/house there. It's all fun and games till the owner of the house, Sir Richard, falls over dead with a stab wound and there's no knife to be found. How did this toga party go so wrong?!
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Ingots of Gold Once again the Tuesday Night Club meets up, and this time it's Miss Marple's own nephew, writer Raymond West, who tells a story. He hopes that the group (well, actually Miss Marple) can figure out what happened when his friend, John Newman, was kidnapped while his salvage ship was robbed of its treasure.
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The Bloodstained Pavement This time when the Tuesday Night Club meets, Joyce (Raymond West's future wife) tells the story of her time painting in the small coastal village of Rathole. She witnesses a husband and wife go off on a bathing trip with a woman they ran into when they got to the hotel. Without realizing what she was doing, Joyce painted blood stains onto her painting. When the wife drowns a few weeks later, Joyce wonders if she had some sort of a premonition.
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Motive v. Opportunity What is it with so many of Christie's characters getting taken in by spiritualists all the time!? I'm guessing that was probably a very talked-about THING back in the day. Ooooh! Did you hear about Gertrude? She's been seeing that Madame Zartan on the regular since her husband died, and I'm pretty sure that wacky bitch is bleeding her dry. I'll bet her kids won't inherit a pot to piss in by the time she's done. Or something along those lines. Point is, vulnerable people have always existed to become the prey of unscrupulous snake oil salesmen.
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The Thumb Mark of St Peter This is a good one for 2 reasons. 1) Miss Marple takes her turn and tells the Tuesday Night Club of a murder that she helped solve. 2) In an adorable twist, Ramond West teases his Aunt jane that there is at least one thing she doesn't know. But she pops back and shocks him by telling him that she does know he proposed to Joyce (the artist in the group) that very evening.
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The Blue Geranium When Arthur & Dolly Bantry ask Sir Henry Clithering who he would like to invite over as a dinner guest to round out their house party, he shocks them by asking for Miss Marple to be included. When he tells Dolly about the uncanny way the elderly spinster solved the mysteries of the Tuesday Night Club the year before, she starts to think maybe Miss Marple could help her solve a seemingly paranormal murder mystery.
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The Companion Miss Marple solves the case of the lady's companion who drowned off the shore of Gran Canaria island. How? She noticed a bit of weight gain for what it was.
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The Four Suspects Sir Henry Clithering, a member of the Tuesday Night Club, takes his turn and tells a story. The title refers to a running theme in Agatha Christie's mysteries, where the goal of solving a murder isn't just to punish the guilty but to free the other parties who might be suspects from the suspicion of their friends, neighbors, and loved ones.
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A Christmas Tragedy Miss Marple knows a murdering husband when she sees one. Even if she can't prove it right away. Jane Marple recounts the time she couldn't save an adoring wife from her treacherous spouse. Without any proof and only her intuition to go on, she couldn't convince the young woman that her husband was eyeballing the windfall he would receive upon her death.
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The Herb of Death It's Mrs. Bantry's turn to tell a story to the Tuesday Night Club and she's not at all sure she can make her's sound interesting. And to be fair, she hems and haws and does a fantastic job of messing it up. It's a case of (gasp!) poisoning where everyone got sick but only one person died. Was it an accident that there was foxglove in the sage, or did something more nefarious happen?
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The Affair at the Bungalow This is the last mystery told by a member of the Tuesday Night Club, and this time around it's the ditzy but beautiful actress, Jane Helier, who offers up a crime for the group to solve. It seems as though a local bungalow was burgled and the man in custody for the robbery has a crazy story to tell...
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Death by Drowning A local girl, rumored to be pregnant by an out-of-town architect, is found drowned. The locals assume it was suicide because her father is known to be an unreasonable man.
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Miss Marple Tells a Story I loved the way Miss Marple narrated the story in a hilarious humblebrag kind of way. When a lawyer brings his client to Jane and asks her to listen to the story of the events leading up to him finding his wife dead in their hotel room, the client in question thinks it's a waste of time. However, just as her lawyer friend hoped, the fluffy old lady manages to see a few things that everyone else missed and ends up saving his bacon.
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Strange Jest Ho-ly shit. Joan Hickson's accent is TERRIBLE in this particular story. I couldn't make out half of what she was lisping out of her mouth and had to go back and re-listen to parts of this one over and over again. She's narrated several of the Miss Marple stories that I've listened to but for whatever reason, in this one, she was incredibly hard to understand.
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Tape-Measure Murder Not my favorite Marple. And yet, is any Marple a bad Marple? So. This one deals with a woman whose husband is the main suspect in her murder, mainly because he isn't showing the appropriate amount of emotion.
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The Case of the Caretaker Miss Marple, recovered from a bad bout of the flu, was feeling depressed. I guess that's a thing? Anyway, it took a lot out of her and she'd started to fall into a funk. So her good friend and physician, Doctor Haydock, brings her a file with a case he recently had so she can solve the whodunnit.
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The Case of the Perfect Maid Miss Marple knows. She's like Santa Clause or something when it comes to who has been bad or good, and her friends and neighbors would do well to listen to her advice when it comes to the hiring and firing of servants. Or employees as we call them these days.
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Sanctuary A man dies from a gunshot wound in the parson's wife's arms, whispering the word sanctuary with his dying breath. A little dramatic, no?
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Greenshaw's Folly Raymond West, Miss Marple's lovable nephew, brings home a mystery to his Aunt Jane. While trying to entertain a friend from the city with the local sight of an oddly built local house, he stumbles into a family drama and a murder-to-be decades in the making.
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I've read all of these stories in different collections but it's nice to see them all gathered in one place....more
Bluebeard gets an ass beating! Alix Martin comes into a bit of money and a whirlwind romance at the same time. Her long-time man-friend, Dick, is actinBluebeard gets an ass beating! Alix Martin comes into a bit of money and a whirlwind romance at the same time. Her long-time man-friend, Dick, is acting weird after she inherits a bit of cash from a relative and they have a falling out. Meanwhile, she runs into the handsome Geral and they fall in love and get married, against Dick's warnings that she doesn't know him well enough.
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The newlyweds buy a picturesque (but isolated) house in the country called Philomel Cottage and all is right with the world. Sort of. On the heels of a nightmare wherein Dick kills Gerald, Dick calls to let Alix know he's in town. She's a bit confused as to how she feels about that. And then gets even more confused when the gardener tells her that Gerald informed him that she would be leaving town for a while and he wasn't sure when she would return. AND that the cost of the cottage was less than what Gerald told her it was. She starts snooping and finds out that Gerald has written down everything meticulously in his diary including some mysterious task he plans to perform at 9 pm! When she confronts him, he warns her off digging into his past.
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RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Girl, that is every Lifetime movie ever made and you should definitely run. She doesn't. What she does do is go through his shit and find out that (view spoiler)[this guy has totally killed off another woman he had married for her money! (hide spoiler)] BITCH, I TOLD YOU TO RUN! Ok, but she does manage to send a coded message to Dick in the hopes that he will understand she's in BIG trouble and needs his help. So I thought Dick would ride to the rescue and save her stupid ass. No! In an incredible twist (view spoiler)[she convinces Gerald that SHE has murdered several husbands by poisoning them. YES! He's got her down in the cellar and he's got a menacing spade in his hand just ready to dig her grave, when she pops out with this whole story that she's managed to kill more than once and get away with it! And he's so scared that he starts thinking his coffee tasted bitter and (this is silly but...ok) DIES OF FRIGHT.
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And that's when Dick and the cops show up, my friend (hide spoiler)] So. There you go. This is definitely one of my top 10 Agatha Christie shorts. Highly recommended. Read it!
BEFORE STOKER'S DRACULA. But after Polidori's Vampyre. There was Le Fanu's Carmilla! So. Kind of like the middle child of vampire tales.
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This one wBEFORE STOKER'S DRACULA. But after Polidori's Vampyre. There was Le Fanu's Carmilla! So. Kind of like the middle child of vampire tales.
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This one was much shorter and much creepier than Dracula, in my opinion. Carmilla was a scary bitch. And part of that was because she was this ethereally beautiful creature that charmed her way into the family's hearts, not some zombie dirt-muncher that was mindlessly roaming the moors looking for the odd sleepwalker. Although she did like a bit of light snacking in between the main meal, as a lot of peasants in the area surrounding Laura's home fell ill and died from some unknown wasting sickness.
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Oh, and little Carmilla has a bit of a crush on the naive Laura. “I have never been in love with no one, and never shall," she whispered, "unless it should be with you.” That was interesting. Apparently, Stephanie Meyer wasn't the first author to write a creepy watching you sleep scene, either. Only Carmilla liked to stab a fang in Laura's tit every now and then. So. Unbelievably, the point goes to Edward for being a gentleman and keeping his canines to himself whilst he sat in the corner of Bella's room.
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There were actually a lot of creepy scenes in this. Starting with the opening scene where Laura describes meeting Carmilla for the first time when she was just a little child. She just pops out from under her bed like the boogeyman and proceeds to do her vampiric worst, then slithers back under there and disappears until Laura is a young woman. Talk about the long-term stalking game.
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When they find an old portrait of someone who looks a helluva lot like Carmilla in the attic... Whaaaaaat?! I swear to god, I've read so many books like this that if I find a hundred year old painting that resembles someone I know, I'm 100% going to just stake them on the spot. They are definitely a vampire. You know it, I know it, and there's no court of law that will convict me because everyone in that jury box will have read some shit like this before and be nodding along with me. They were undead. Nothing to be done but run a bitch through. NOT GUILTY.
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Ok, I can feel myself going off the rails a bit, so let me just end this by saying that this is my top old-timey vampire story. Highly Recommended!...more
Poe's Petrifying Pit & the Pendulum! It's been 20-plus years since I'd read this one and I had forgotten how this one ended. Very cool.
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Our belePoe's Petrifying Pit & the Pendulum! It's been 20-plus years since I'd read this one and I had forgotten how this one ended. Very cool.
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Our beleaguered narrator has already been through some shit at the hands of those damn dirty monks, but this story starts with him being sentenced to death by some higher-ups in Ye Olde Inquisition. He swoons. As you do in situations like that. He wakes up in total darkness with only drugged food and the rats that want to eat it first for company. Feeling around, he discovers a hole in the floor. Why is there a hole in the floor? Oh, and is the picture on the ceiling moving?! Wait. That's not a fucking picture.
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The psychological horror in this is as terrifying as the very real horror of bodily harm the main character faces. It was scary and awful and just all the things you would imagine. Makes you wonder what happened to those monks.
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Definitely worth a read (or a listen) if you're in the mood for something by Poe.
Alex Wilson - Narrator Publisher: Telltale Weekly Edition: Unabridged...more
A good group of Christie's shorts that seemingly contain a bit of a paranormal twist. Or do they? There are links to a slightly longer review for each oA good group of Christie's shorts that seemingly contain a bit of a paranormal twist. Or do they? There are links to a slightly longer review for each of the short stories if anyone is interested in a particular one.
S.O.S. Mortimer Cleveland is a paranormal researcher. When his car breaks down, he stops and knocks on the door of a nearby house that belongs to the Dinsmeads. It doesn't take him long to sense that something is wrong, but he can't put his finger on what exactlyit is. Is there something supernaturally sinister about this home or is the evil a little more human in nature? Can it possibly be a little bit of both? Sure. Why not.
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The Call of Wings A morality tale. And not a terribly good one. I've always found those the rich must give away their money to find true happiness stories a bag of bullshit. Should you do good things for others if you have more? Yes. If you are in a position to help, then help. I don't think that means you need to feel guilty for having money, though. Unless you are unscrupulous and are harming people to get it, then you're just a lucky bastard and you should enjoy.
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The Fourth Man This one was an incredibly inaccurate portrayal of dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities) AND hypnotism but it was so entertaining! Bananas plot about a woman with DID that killed herself. Or was she actually killing someone else? A wacky must-read.
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The Gipsy Fate, fortunetelling, reincarnation, and true love. Dickie Carpenter is terrified of gypsies. Why? He's been having dreams since he was a child of a gypsy that frightens him. When he runs into her in his waking hours as an adult, it changes the course of his life.
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The Hound of Death It was a bit convoluted at times as it revolved around a priestess of an ancient religion who was reincarnated as a nun. She blew some shit up to save her convent from the Nazis. However, when an unscrupulous doctor tries to harness her power, things go a bit awry for him.
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The Lamp A widow moves into a haunted house with her father and young son. The price is right and Mrs. Lancaster doesn't believe in ghosts, so why not?
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Her father isn't so sure. The story is that a little boy died of starvation waiting for his father who was arrested when he went to town to come back for him. And when he hears a child's footsteps following his grandson, he knows the stories are true.
The Last Séance A medium and her fiance are bullied by a grieving mother into something they will both regret.
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Simone is the real deal when it comes to mediums. Her fiance & manager, Raoul, is very proud of how talented she is, but he knows that her talent comes with a price and so the client today will be her last. *cue the sinister music*
The Mystery of the Blue Jar Young Jack Hartington investigates the supernatural. It all starts as he passes by a cottage and hears a cry of Help! Murder! and runs to check it out. When he gets closer he sees a beautiful girl just...weeding the flower bed or some such shit. No murderer. No one in need of his aid. Every day for 3 days he passes the cottage and hears the same thing. And every time he runs to help. And every time the beautiful girl looks at him like he's crazy. So what's actually going on?
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The Red Signal What is a Red Signal? Dermot West tries to explain the concept to a group of people at a dinner party as a premonition he sometimes feels before he's in danger. When one of the guests, Sir Arlington, tells him it's all hogwash, Raymond tells of the time his Red Signal warned him before he was almost killed in Mesopotamia. However, he doesn't tell anyone that he's actually felt that same warning sign before he came there tonight.
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The Strange Case of Sir Arthur Carmichael WEIRD. But I'm not gonna lie, I kind of dug it. This time around when Christie did supernatural, she DID supernatural. Like, you need to suspend disbelief for this one. Ok, so this doctor gets called in by his friend to check out this case of amnesia. Or something. This dude not only completely forgot who he was, but he also isn't even acting like a human anymore.
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The Witness for the Prosecution LOVE THE ENDING! This one is juicy. A rich old lady is found dead and all signs point toward Leonard Vole, a young man who has been paying her special attention, as she had apparently changed her will and he stands to inherit a good deal of money. Did he kill her? All signs point to yes. But his attorney, Mr. Mayhew, isn't convinced that he's actually guilty. Especially once he pays a visit to Leonard's wife, Romaine. <--yes, like the lettuce
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Wireless An older woman with a heart problem is persuaded to buy a wireless radio by her favorite nephew and finds she really enjoys listening to the programs in the evening. As we all do.
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The odd thing is, Mary Harter keeps hearing her dead husband's voice coming through the airwaves. He's coming for her, apparently. As dead husbands do. So, Mary does the sensible thing and decides to get her will in order. There's a faithful servant that she wants to make sure gets an extra bit of money, you see. Once that's all taken care of, she can just wait for dear old Mr. Harter to collect her from the Great Beyond. And that's exactly what happens. Or is it?
I think this is a pretty good collection that would be fun to read around Halloween. Recommended for fans of Agatha Christie....more
WHAT IS THIS?! Can something be amazing and batshit? I think so.
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In the last book, Diamonds Are Forever, it seemed as though Bond was going soft.WHAT IS THIS?! Can something be amazing and batshit? I think so.
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In the last book, Diamonds Are Forever, it seemed as though Bond was going soft. His little heart was growing just like The Grinch as he and Tiffany Case sauntered off into the sunset. And I guess by extension, I thought Ian Fleming was getting softer. Growing as a man. Showing us his vulnerable underbelly and...
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All women want to be swept off their feet. In their dreams they long to be slung over a man’s shoulder and taken into a cave and raped. Ok. Never mind, sir.
These were actually words of wisdom from Bond's new BFF, Darko Kerim. Who actually does in fact tell the story of one of the women he carried off to his cave. Then his mom dropped by and slapped him around a bit and made a scene. Poor Darko. But I'll bet most of us can think back to that time our mom embarrassed us in front of our friends while we were hanging out at our rape cave. #relatable
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There's also an unintentionally funny moment when Bond's love interest, the double-agent Tatiana Romanov (now smitten with James) asks him to beat her if she eats too much and gets fat. Well, well, well.
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But those antiquated and wholly ridiculous ideas about men and women are a big part of why I keep reading these Bond books. When I hear something like that it just makes me gurgle-laugh. I mean, you don't get to see stuff like that anymore!
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Anyway, the gist of this one is that the Russians are trying to destroy the morale of their enemies, so they send this hot young officer in to seduce James. And he's ripe for the picking because his little heart has been broken by Tiffany and her crummy American lover. Did I mention Flemming said she looked like a young Greta Garbo? You've got great taste, Ian.
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The Russians think that if Bond were to be disgraced then MI6 would be disgraced. You know, now that I think about it I never really understood the plan fully.
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He was going to be taken in by this smoking hot defector, and then I guess they were going smear him and the agency with this torrid sex scandal after he had been killed. FOOLS! That's never gonna work because there isn't a woman alive that can resist the manly scent wafting off of Bond, James Bond.
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This really has all the things that make Bond books that particular brand of wacky/delicious. Including the unforgettable Rosa Klebb! An aging Russian officer who revels in torture as an art form, and if that's not bad enough, is also a bisexual who tries to seduce our poor Miss Romanova. Unbelievably, Flemming doesn't take this opportunity to write a hot lesbian scene. Then again, this is Bond's world, so it wouldn't make sense to have anyone else horning in on the sexytimes.
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Anyway, Klebb is a saggy crone. So after she bluntly informs Titana that she'll be responsible for shagging the state secrets out of a British intelligence officer, she takes sexual harassment in the workplace up to ten. She disappears for a minute and then pops back into the room in a see-through negligee, and tells the nubile young Tatiana to flip off the light. She does. Right before she scurries out of the room as though her ass were on fire. The scene made me laugh, even though I'm not sure that was the intention. I think it was supposed to make the reader feel uncomfortable, but I just kept picturing this:
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Oh! And I haven't even gotten to Donovan "Red" Grant yet. This guy was some kind of unhinged werewolf that would lose control and kill on every full moon. Not by turning into a hairy hybrid of man and beast and tearing someone apart with his supernatural teeth. No, he'd just sneak out of the house and choke a hobo or something. But on a full moon. He's so evil that he defected to Russia and begged to work for SMERSH as their hatchet man.
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Ok, so those are the main players that get mixed together in this spy-soup thriller. But as they all combine and combust the plot gets crazier and the stakes get higher. And that ending? WHAT? From Russia With Love is arguably the most famous Bond book Flemming wrote, and I can see why.
Exactly how important is it to be Earnest? If you've read, listened to, or watched this play then you know the answer to that question is very importanExactly how important is it to be Earnest? If you've read, listened to, or watched this play then you know the answer to that question is very important.
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The gist is that two young(ish) gentlemen both have aliases. Both of those aliases are Earnest and both of them use said aliases to escape from responsibilities. And now they've both fallen in love. Each of these women met them while they were Earnest, and (in a twist that could only happen in a rom-com) both women feel that they could only love a man whose name is Earnest. It's a whole thing, trust me.
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Wilde's story pokes fun at the society of the day, skewering the emphasis that was put on having the correct parentage. But it's also just an excellent comedy in that you have two lying men in love with two women with unreasonable expectations. And that's why this is probably my favorite classic play. I can read/listen/watch this thing all day long. <--but not really. Because you'd have to be a helluva lot crazier than I am to do some shit like that. Highly Recommended....more
That Helena is a bitch. I know the big draw for this play is all the fairy goings-on, but upon re-reading/re-listening to it for the umpteenth time, I That Helena is a bitch. I know the big draw for this play is all the fairy goings-on, but upon re-reading/re-listening to it for the umpteenth time, I was more interested in the insane inner workings of Helena's mind.
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Ok. Get this. Hermia and Lysander are in love. But Hermia's dad wants her to marry Demetrius, and you know how dads can be about that sort of thing. For example, my husband really liked this boy that my oldest daughter dated several years ago. For the purposes of this review, we'll call him Kevin. In his eyes, Kevin was the best boyfriend his little girl could choose. My daughter didn't feel the same. As you may already know, daughters rarely like the guy their fathers want them to like. And now, because he's petty as hell, he refers to every poor boy that she brings home as Not-Kevin. Sometimes to their face.
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Now. Demetrius is determined to marry Hermia even though she obviously loathes him. Because some men find rejection sexy. And Helena is obsessed with Demetrius and follows him around like a puppy. Even though he obviously doesn't want her. Because some women find rejection sexy, too.
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You're probably wondering why Hermia and Lysander don't just give her father a bit of time to cool off with all this Demetrius stuff, right? Well, because if Hermia doesn't agree to marry Demetrius quick-like, her dad is going to send her to a convent (of Diana b/c this is set in Greece) or have her killed, which is his right under the law...but probably just the convent. Harsh, right? This guy makes my husband look tactful, and as you may realize from the above-mentioned story, that's not an easy thing to do. So, Hermia and Lysander make plans to meet in the woods, run off to the big city, get hitched, and live happily ever after.
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Remember how I said Helena is a bitch? Well, this is where Helena proves she is a level 10 clinger that will do anything for a scrap of attention. She rats her best friend Hermia's escape plan out to Demetrius! In the hopes that he...? What? Finds Hermia in time to stop her from marrying someone else so Demetrius will have to look elsewhere for matrimonial prospects? Helena is just shooting herself in the dick by telling him that her rival for his love is sneaking off to get married. Who does that?!
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She's an idiot. And if Demetrius weren't such a douchebag, I probably would have felt a little sorry for him getting saddled with such an obvious crazypants for the rest of his life.
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Ok. Enter the fairies. They have their own problems. The biggest of which is that Oberon is apparently jealous of how much time Titania spends doting on the son of her (now dead) human friend. God, men are so weird!
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So what happens? Lots of bickering, lots of crying, lots of fairy dust getting thrown around on the wrong people, lots of mistaken love, and of course a dude with an asshead. Sounds freakishly similar to my early twenties.
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I'm sure you know the story. I think most everyone has seen or heard this story in one form or another in their life. And if you haven't read the original play and want to, it's pretty easy to get into. I've read it a few times, but this time around I listened to the full cast audio version. It's excellent. And I'd suggest that as an option to anyone who is interested. After all, this was supposed to be acted out, so it works well when you have voice actors doing their thing to bring Shakespeare's story to life. Highly Recommended....more
The Vampyre! Whilst Dracula drones on and on and on and on like a paranormal travelogue, this one just gets right to the point. This makes it vastly eaThe Vampyre! Whilst Dracula drones on and on and on and on like a paranormal travelogue, this one just gets right to the point. This makes it vastly easier for a peasant like myself to get through. Also, published in 1819 this version of the modern vampire is considered one of the first in English literature, so you're able to say you're reading a classic.
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Alright, there's a lot of history behind this one. And it's almost as interesting as the story itself. The idea for it was cooked up on that famous night when all of those poetical artsy-fartsy folks got together and had the writing contest that gave the world monsters like Frankenstein. Byron apparently came up with the idea for a vampire story but abandoned it, and Polidori (his physician) decided to run with the idea and created this. Very cool.
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As for me? It might not surprise you to know I was first introduced to Lord Ruthven via Marvel comics (Vampire Tales (1973-1975) #1, if you're interested), and that is actually what got me interested in reading Polidori's book.
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The gist of this blessedly short tale is that there's this Lord Ruthven dude roaming free in the upper echelons of English society. He doesn't smile. Or something like that. Basically, he acts like nothing interests him and everyone falls all over themselves to invite him to their parties. There are rumors that he's up to no good with the ladies, as well. Oooooooh.
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So there's this young man, a nice kid, named Aubrey. His parents are dead and he has good guardians who have taken very great care of him and his little sister (she becomes important later), but now he wants to roam around a bit and do his tour. And guess who he wants to tour with. EXACTLY. He has fallen under the spell of this douchebag and wants to know more about him because he's so cool and aloof.
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Naturally, shit goes sideways. BIG TIME. (view spoiler)[ Ruthven eats Aubrey's girlfriend. And not in the way that meant she at least had a good time.
Alright. So, this next part is something that makes ZERO sense now, but I've run across it time and time again in classics. The hero gives his word about something and then can't break it. Like, to the detriment of himself or others. In this case, Aubrey swears he won't say anything bad about Ruthven (view spoiler)[, or tell anyone that he is dead because this promise happens on Ruthven's "deathbed", (hide spoiler)] for one year. Due to those somewhat spoilery circumstances, Aubrey doesn't see the harm in his promise. BUT THEN SHIT GETS REAL FREAKY.
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Alright, I knew how this was going to turn out from the get-go. I read the comic, remember? But even if I hadn't, I think most readers today would see how failure to speak up was going to come back and bite Aubrey in the ass. (view spoiler)[However, I don't care what kind of promise I made to a vampire, if he suddenly popped back up out of the gave and started dating my sister, I'm going to say something. And if that same vampire still managed to worm his way into her affections and "ruin" her, I'm not going to throw my hands up in the air as though her only recourse is to go ahead and marry him. BITCH, NO. HE WILL KILL YOU. And EVEN IF alllll that shit happened, and I waited till exactly one year after I made my promise to tell people, I'm not going to just die from the strain. These guys back in the day with their fainting and dying all the time because shit gets hard. Pfffft. Stop it. (hide spoiler)] Get past all of that and you've got one hell of a fun classic.
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In the audiobook version I read, there was the inclusion of some letters by (it never says who) an apologist and fan of Byron who apparently is traveling around to places he has been and picking up the local stories about him. All of them are along the lines of, He was a great chap! Bought our daughter a piano! Tips well!, kind of stuff. I have no feelings about Lord Byron one way or another as I have yet to read anything he wrote, and that's mostly because I don't enjoy reading poetry. Which probably tells a lot of you all you need to know about me.
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I said all of that to say this, I wouldn't recommend this particular audiobook because of that. I was confused for the entirety of the reading and had to go search out another reading of the story (on YouTube of all places) to decipher what the actual story was. The letters blended into this one and I couldn't tell at first if they were part of the original story Polidori wrote or what? In the end, I don't know what they were doing there (other than the story's connection to Byron) because all I wanted was The Vampyre story. If anyone knows the answer, please feel free to chime in because I already know I'm a dumbass and might be missing something that's fairly obvious to someone else.
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But I do think this is an excellent book and I'd recommend it to anyone who wants to bone up on their vampyre lore. I mean, this is short. I appreciate that, sir.
Audiobook version B7 Media read by Gary Turner English 1h 29m Part 7 of the Victorian Horror series...more
Oh. My. God. What even was this? There was a level of crazy that I just WAS NOT expecting here. I thought this priest was going to try and cast out a dOh. My. God. What even was this? There was a level of crazy that I just WAS NOT expecting here. I thought this priest was going to try and cast out a demon and a little girl was going to cough chunks of puke on him. I had no idea what sort of layers of insanity I was dealing with here.
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Ok, ok, ok. Did anyone else think it was fucknuts that all these psychiatrists just assume all tween & teen kids are like the X-men and might possibly develop psychic and telekinetic powers? What the hell?! Was this an ACTUAL thing in the 70s? Like, oh it's all normal that she can read my mind and toss shit across the room, which is apparently COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from demon possession. She is literally levitating the bed across the room like a magic carpet while spewing vomit and speaking in an entirely different voice, and Father Karrass is over there with his finger on her pulse talking about how her heartbeat is steady so it must just be NORMAL PSYCHIC PHENOMENA. omgthatisnotathing! No, sir. What you have there is 100% some freaky demon shit.
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I also thought Father Karrass was boring. I was so tired of hearing about his inner struggle with his faith. I'm not religious and I understand why someone may struggle with it, so I sympathized to an extent. But either you jump on that train or you don't. And by the end of it, I was practically screaming at him to shit or get off the pot because I couldn't get behind his glee every time he thought for a second that the Regan was really demon-possessed. I guess in his mind if there was a devil, there had to be a God. Dude! There has to be a better time to work out your crisis of faith!
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And oh god. This was gross. Some of the shit the demon made the little girl do was horribly disturbing. I was quite literally cringing while listening to it. (view spoiler)[The scene where she's terrified and crying and then the demon takes over and has her stab herself in the vagina with that crucifix? I feel queasy even now. I don't see how that scene was necessary as anything other than vile shock value. (hide spoiler)] There were quite a few icky masturbation scenes and incredibly nasty adult things that it said that got the point across that the demon was horrendous without that level of nastiness. Fuck! Just awful.
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I don't know. I was bored with the religious stuff, sickened by all the gross descriptions, and yet still rooted to the spot like a gawker watching a train wreck. I'm glad I read this one and I doubt I'll ever forget it. It. Is. Something. Good? Bad? Like I said, I don't know! BUT IT IS SOMETHING.
The audio version I listened to was published by HarperAudio and was read by the author, William Peter Blatty. Dude had one of those menacing voices that you wouldn't want to hear in a dark alley....more
Honestly, I didn't like Draculaenough to try and seek out more stuff by Stoker. I'm glad I finally read it, but it was kind of a dull book overall. HoHonestly, I didn't like Draculaenough to try and seek out more stuff by Stoker. I'm glad I finally read it, but it was kind of a dull book overall. However, when this audiobook of short stories popped up as a free borrow from Hoopla, I decided to take advantage of it. Because why not?
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Dracula's Guest 4 stars
Unbelievably, this was a scene cut from Dracula. I say unbelievably because this one scene was far more interesting than ANYTHING in the book. Granted, it was a wacky scene and far too much of it was spent with the unnamed Englishman (presumably Harker) arguing with the local driver about going towards the one place everyone is telling him not to go. But then he gets lost in a hailstorm and ends up in a cemetery for suicides (I think?). Taking refuge in the doorway of a crypt, he sees a vampire bitch rises from the grave and catch on fire. Still not sure why. Naturally, he makes a run for it! A chase scene ensues before a big wolf sits on Harker to keep him safe from zombie vampires - or something like that. It was a bananas story. Still, if the rest of Dracula had as much pizzazz as this did, it would have made for a more interesting read.
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The Judge's House 4 stars
Scary ghost story about a student who doesn't believe in the supernatural. A creepy rat, a creepier picture, and a judge who kept the hangman's noose in his house make up the frightening elements of this tale.
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The Squaw 4 stars
A cat gets a gruesome vengeance on the man who killed her kitten. The guy didn't really mean to kill the kitten, but he's such a douchecanoe that he seals his own fate in a way that pretty much ensures you don't even feel very sorry for him.
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The Secret of the Growing Gold 4 stars
A murderer gets done in by his lover's hair. It's a weird story and it meanders a bit for no reason. The beginning is about this feud between the woman, her brother, and her lover that ultimately didn't make any difference to the story. But it was sufficiently spooky in the end for me to enjoy it.
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The Gypsy Prophecy 3.5 stars
A self-fulling prophecy? A terrible prediction comes true for a couple who are deeply in love, but not in the way they think it will. PS - Stoker apparently thought women fainted all the damn time. Seriously. Every woman in every story seemed to fall over from the shock of something. By the time I got to this story, it was starting to get funny.
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The Coming of Abel Behenna 2 stars
Goofy story about 2 young men who go after the same awful young woman. She's incredibly obnoxious and they both should have known better. They all got what they deserved, and it was hard to feel any real horror for the characters since they were all equally unlikeable.
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The Burial of the Rats 2 stars
Really drawn-out story about a tourist who escapes from old soldiers who have turned to crime in a poor section of Paris. Rats eat dead bodies quickly enough to get rid of the evidence, apparently.
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A Dream of Red Hands 3 stars
A repentant murderer has nightmares of being locked out of heaven. The narrator gives the man encouragement and finds out that the man's last act in life is one of incredible self-sacrifice. His heroism earns his redemption and washes his bloody hands clean.
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Crooked Sands 4 stars
A rich old English gentleman decides to dress in authentic Highland garb and looks like an idiot. He is warned to stop being foolish and vain by a supposed 'seer' but ignores the advice until he almost dies. He has a religious experience that changes his outlook on life, but there's a funny twist at the end of this book at bumped it up from 3 to 4 stars for me.
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Overall a pretty darn good set of old-timey short stories for a horror fan.
All this time, I thought she had to kiss the damn frog! Nope. All this (somewhat petulant) princess had to do was let this frog eat off of her plate anAll this time, I thought she had to kiss the damn frog! Nope. All this (somewhat petulant) princess had to do was let this frog eat off of her plate and sleep in her bed. <--platonically, get your mind out of the gutter, perv.
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So, this nameless princess is bouncing her golden ball. As you do. It bounces right into the water and this talking frog offers to get it for her if only she'll let him sleep in her bed and eat off of her plate. She agrees and he retrieves her ball.
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Then this little asshole just leaves him there. IT'S A TALKING FROG. ARE YOU NOT THE LEAST BIT CURIOUS, BITCH?
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When the frog inevitably shows up at her castle right around dinnertime, her dad makes her keep her word to this poor amphibian. Because apparently, he's not a douchebag. He's just related to one. 3 days of eating off her plate. 3 nights sleeping with a frog on her pillow. Day 4? BOOM! There's no frog in the room. Just a hot prince who inexplicably wants to marry the cunt salad who left him in the water. There's really no accounting for taste.
Once again, I'm shocked by the original tale. Only this time it's a good shock.
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Remember this?
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Didn't happen. In fact, he asked if she minOnce again, I'm shocked by the original tale. Only this time it's a good shock.
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Remember this?
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Didn't happen. In fact, he asked if she minded if he sat with her while she ate but added that if she didn't want him there, he'd just leave. So. In the original, Beast was actually concerned with what Beauty wanted and willing to listen to her needs. You know, besides the whole keeping her prisoner thing.
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And just how did she become a prisoner? Well, that went pretty much like you'd think. Her dad got lost, found a magic castle, picked a rose, and almost got himself eaten by a beast. On the upside, her father wasn't willing to let any of his daughters take his place and only agreed to go back home so that he could say goodbye. Yes, you read that right. Daughters. Plural. Beauty, who was sweet, self-sacrificing, & hard working. Her brothers, who were actually pretty nice, but were always on the periphery of the story. And then 2 spoiled a-hole sisters who hated her guts because she was humble and treated everyone with kindness. So naturally, everyone loved her. Meanwhile, they were both lazy golddiggers. Bottom line was that Beauty was a good kid, and when she found out it was her rose that cost her father his freedom, she forced the issue and followed her father back to the castle to insist the Beast let her swap.
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Oh, and the rose with all the petals falling?! Remember when the last rose petal fell and your 10-year-old self got all choked up because you just knew it was all too late, and she had waited too long to tell him she loved him, and you kind of hated her for a minute?
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There was no rose other than the one her father took. And there was no time limit for her to fall in love with him. Plus! As if it wasn't bad enough that he looks like a fugly animal, he also has to pretend to be kind of dull-witted for some reason. Every night he would ask her to marry him, and every night she would friend zone him.
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Mostly, he took it on the chin like a champ. Then one night he was feeling especially needy and he asked her to never leave him. But she said she couldn't promise that because she really needed to go see her father. And he said he'd rather die than cause her pain! And she said she couldn't bear to cause him pain, either! And it was just the cutest thing because we all know where this is headed. Then in true melodramatic fashion, he told her he would send her via a magic ring to her father's house, but that he would most certainly die from grieving if she didn't come back to him in a week.
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All would have been great but her two assy sisters were so enraged with jealously over all the beautiful things Beast sent along with Beauty, that they went nuts. They plotted to keep her an extra week by being nice to her for once in their lives in the hopes that Beast would eat her in a fit of anger. Wow. Just wow. Family, amirite?
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So. She stayed an extra week due to the evil machinations of her d-bag sisters. But eventually, she remembered her promise to Beast, freaked out, magicked herself back to his castle, and found him crumpled in a heap! OMG. What sort of magic was as work to cause this?!
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None. It was because the big dumbass went on a hunger strike and tried to starve himself to death. Get up and eat a sandwich, Romeo. You'll be fine.
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Of course, this is where the nooo! don't die! I looove you! I'll marry you! thing happens. This? This is a great example of the pity screw from a hot girl trope that has been responsible for a pipe dream doofy guys have held on to down through the ages.
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Alright. To be fair, this is also a great example of how we ladies think we can fix a man. In this version, the fairy pops up and changes him from a smelly beast to a perfect man as soon a Beauty says she'll marry him. Ohmygod! He's HOT. He's a PRINCE. And he's a sparkling conversationalist to boot. Things are coming up roses for Beauty and her Beast.
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Beauty's cunty sisters didn't fare quite as well. As punishment, the fairy turned them into sentient statues who would be forced to watch their little sister's happiness for all eternity. Or until they learned to not be assholes. But the fairy didn't hold out much hope for that. Legend has it that in the distant future, these sisters went on to famously terrorize a Time Lord and his friends.
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And speaking of curses, why did she curse the prince to start with? Was he an asshole who refused to help an old woman? Was he proud and vain? Did he not agree with vaccine mandates? No. There's no actual explanation for the curse in this version. Fairies gotta be fairies, I guess.
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Ok, while Jeanne Marie Le Prince de Beaumont's 1756 version of this tale is the most popular, a longer story was originally penned by Gabrielle-Suzanne de Villeneuve in 1740. There are more variants out there, including Andrew Lang's similar version that appeared in The Blue Fairy Book. I'm not an expert and I'm sure most countries have a tale like this, but I believe the French get the trophy for the most popular. I'm not claiming to be any sort of expert on B&B, and this is all just info that I've gotten from quickie internet searches because I was curious about my favorite fairytale.
A fun romp with an over the top gentleman burglar.
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The thing that may turn some people off is that Lupin is quite full of himself in a stereotyA fun romp with an over the top gentleman burglar.
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The thing that may turn some people off is that Lupin is quite full of himself in a stereotypically French hoh hon hon way. His powers of foresight and deduction rival that Sherlock Holmes - who he actually meets in the last story. It's a bit much. However, I mostly found him to be a roguishly charming character that I was rooting for while he escaped the authorities and attempted to get the girl. <--I'm still hoping he gets that girl someday.
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The book is made up of interconnected short stories about Arsène that move backward and forward showing him at different times in his life. Some stories were better than others but they all served to give a complete (ish) picture of the man and his life.
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I fell into this book by accident when it was offered up as a Hoopla Bonus Borrow, I'm assuming because of the somewhat recent Netflix show based on the character. I was actually surprised by how much I ended up liking this. There's something fun about the simplicity of the stories and the cheekiness of Lupin. I also thought the translation was very well done, and the audiobook version I listened to was great. I'm definitely going to try to read more of these. Recommended....more
Tonight at 9: The ugly truth behind backroom mermaid deals!
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This didn't go down like you might think. I'd like to blame it on youth but frankly,Tonight at 9: The ugly truth behind backroom mermaid deals!
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This didn't go down like you might think. I'd like to blame it on youth but frankly, The Little Mermaid's decision-making skills were just complete shit. Even for a teenager.
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The story opens as our unnamed and underage mermaid goes on a sanctioned trek to see what the humans world is like. <--because this is what 15 year old fish-girls do. She comes across the prince's ship and then proceeds to spy on him for an hour or so before bad weather sinks his boat. At which point, she tows him to shore. Which was quite nice and very helpful of her. But then, she feels things and just kind of decides she must marry him. Which seems like a bit of shark jumping if I'm being honest. He might have a girlfriend. Or a scat fetish. Girl, you don't know!
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At the very least you should stalk him for a bit longer before you decide whether or not this is the one. Is this really the guy you want to spend the rest of your nights...creeping into his bedroom to watch him sleep? Or gently caressing whilst he's lying unconscious? That sort of commitment shouldn't be entered into lightly.
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But this is a fairytale! So in the absence of anything that remotely resembles common sense, she runs to a sea witch and makes a bargain. The world's worst bargain. In exchange for her voice - and not just you can have it back if you win the prince's heart, but in the witch keeps your voice forever and you're mute for a lifetime - our mergirl will trade in her fins for a snazzy set of feet.
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BUT EVERY STEP SHE TAKES WILL BE LIKE WALKING ON KNIVES AND GLASS. Annnnnd that's where 99.9% of everyone would back slowly out of the cave and go hang out at the MerMall with their friends. But not her. She's in it to win it. And part of me respects a set of balls that big, you know? And yet. She's lost her voice forever and will be basically crippled for the rest of her life. <--which is now considerably shortened by a few hundred years because mermaids live to 300ish and humans live to what...80? And all for some guy you've never spoken to?
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Wait. There's more! IF her prince marries anyone but her, she'll turn into foamy sea bubbles. A LIFETIME OF SILENCE AND PAIN. OR FOAM. OMG. Where can I sign up for this?!
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Needless to say, things don't work out for her. That she turned into foam at the end was just natural selection at work, my friend. They didn't need that level of stupid making its way back into the gene pool back in Mermaidland.
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I really can't overstate how much I love reading these old fairytales. Now, I can't say for certain what the moral of this particular story is, but I do believe we're definitely looking at a cautionary tale here. Perhaps it's a warning about jumping into life-changing things without consulting the people who love you? Or the pitfalls of dating outside of your species? Or signing contracts without a lawyer present? We can only guess.
I didn't find it listed but this was the edition I listened to: Publisher: AudioGO Ltd Edition: Unabridged Anne-Marie Duff - Narrator...more
Ho-ly shit, you are terrible at your job, Mr. Bond.
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I wondered if Casino Royale was some sort of Batman Year One kind of thing and James would Ho-ly shit, you are terrible at your job, Mr. Bond.
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I wondered if Casino Royale was some sort of Batman Year One kind of thing and James would begin to progress as an agent with each book. No. No, he has not. It's as though Mr. Bean were given a license to kill and set loose on the world.
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Once again, Bond is caught completely unawares over and over again. He not only fails to notice fairly obvious traps, but in a spectacularly stupid move he also blatantly ignores the bad feeling his clairvoyant love interest has in being left alone. Insisting she will be fine when he leaves her alone. Just lock the door, babe. He then has the gall to be shocked when she immediately gets kidnapped by the villain.
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He's also off sniffing his farts as his friend (the American agent Felix Leiter) gets parts of himself literally EATEN OFF BY A SHARK. And survives! Because he is a badass, and I'll admit that was kind of a cool twist.
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Though, unlike in the 1st book, Bond plays an active role in taking out the bad guys by planting some underwater bombs. Oh, he still gets captured. And it's still pure luck that he and Solitare survive, but at least this time around he can say he took out some of the agents. Agents of arguably the dumbest acronym to say out loud. SMASH, you say? No, SMERSH.
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Now, if you've read this one you'll know what I'm talking about when I say it's filled to the brim with hyper-cringy backhanded compliments towards black people. And of course, he wouldn't be Bond if he didn't think women were like toilet paper - soft, necessary, and ultimately flushable. It's an awkward ride. And believe me, you will feel every moment of it.
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The absolute best part of the book is when they end up in the Tampa/St Pete area surrounded by a plethora of retirees. Felix and James roll their eyes at the decrepit oldsters and decide death is better than retiring to Florida to play shuffleboard. But I think they'll both change their minds someday. Because on top of fantastic weather, Florida has the best pony rides!
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While it may not sound like it, I'm actually quite enjoying these books. Yes, it's interesting to read the origins of the greatest secret agent in pop culture, but there's also the added bonus that these books are an incredible amount of fun in a so-bad-its-good sort of way. You're a trainwreck, James. And I can't look away....more
While I agree with everyone who says the book is important, I also think it could have been chopped down by about 300 pages. The story is about how livWhile I agree with everyone who says the book is important, I also think it could have been chopped down by about 300 pages. The story is about how lives are ruined when the wrong people are put in charge, why war isn't some grand adventure, and the ridiculous nature of bureaucracy in general. It's not so much funny as it is satirical, and the joke wears thin as it spins in circles with nonsensical stories that add very little to the overall reading experience. My opinion, of course.
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I am extremely glad I read this because most people know what you mean when you say Catch-22, but maybe not everyone knows it originated from this book.
Yossarian looked at him soberly and tried another approach. "Is Orr crazy?" "He sure is," Doc Daneeka said. "Can you ground him?" "I sure can. But first he has to ask me to. That's part of the rule." "Then why doesn't he ask you to?" "Because he's crazy," Doc Daneeka said. "He has to be crazy to keep flying combat missions after all the close calls he's had. Sure, I can ground Orr. But first he has to ask me to." "That's all he has to do to be grounded?" "That's all. Let him ask me." "And then you can ground him?" Yossarian asked. "No. Then I can't ground him." "You mean there's a catch?" "Sure there's a catch," Doc Daneeka replied. "Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy." There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle. "That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed. "It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.
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I appreciate learning more about the source material for stuff like this. But the story doesn't go anywhere but in a sideways circle, so I was absolutely gagging for this to be over with after a relatively short time. And this is not a relatively short book. By the end of it, I had exhausted all of my patience and was annoyed by everything from the dialogue to the character themselves.
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If you're a reader like me who needs things to kind of go somewhere in a somewhat concise time period, then you may need to temper your expectations with this one. Still, I'm not sorry I ticked this one off the bucket list....more
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