“What’s the difference between a private library and a book hoarder?”
Now for the question of the day – can Kelly .gif up a non-fiction review?????
This book has received mixed reviews from my friends, but after seeing Debbie's reaction I figured it was worth me rolling the dice. It totally was too and really my only complaint was this was supposed to be a BI.O.GRA.PHY. People who write books like these are only supposed to be telling you about the person they are writing about. They aren’t supposed to show their obvious raging boner of a crush on their subject or interject their own sob story into the mix. Me no likey that bit.
Now on to the part I can see being a peeve for many others. Most of the trips on the way-back machine to Sandra Pankhurst’s history can be reacted to like such . . . .
Her memory fails her in many of the places where it counts the most which makes her a very unreliable narrator for the remainder. It also makes non-fiction read like fiction which is waaaaaaaaaaaaay beneficial to achieving a high score on the Kelly and Mitchell entertainment scale. Really, the only issue I have with the way Pankhurst’s history is presented is that a certain type of people (who wouldn’t ever even read this book to begin with, but certainly would have no problem bashing it) will use it to say that gender identity is a mental disorder brought on by a person’s upbringing – and that makes me barf. But fuck those people, right?
The other thing I kept thinking while reading was “why didn’t James Frey do this when he wrote his “memoir”?????” Remember James Frey and his million little pieces that made Oprah all . . . .
Hindsight is 20/20 for that fella!
But anywho, if you aren’t a big non-fiction reader and looooooooooooooooooove shows like this . . . .
(Nothing makes me clean house quicker than a Hoarders marathon, knowwhatI’msayin’???)
You might find this to be a winner for you too. ...more
EDIT: Because it was this book's birthday yesterday and when a book finally gets released that will EASILY make your Best of 2018 list, you float it . . . .
Oh Mr. Joy, how I’ve missed you.
Perhaps the most ironic thing of all when it comes to this author is his name. If you were ever curious where the “Black As Mitchell’s Heart” moniker came from – David Joy’s stories are about as bleak as one brain could ever conjure. As my Bookwife stated over on her review, we pretty much have a Google Alert set for anything new in David Joy’s world, up to and including I now read what he tells me to (thanks again for turning me on to Larry Brown). We most definitely were in full-fledged “This Is America and We Want It Now” mode while waiting to be approved for The Line That Held Us and I am so happy to say that once again David Joy delivered the misery in spades – just the way I like it.
The story here is pretty simple – Darl Moody has been chasing after a dream buck for ages and has tracked him down to Coon Coward’s private property. What ol’ Coon don’t know won’t hurt him, though, so Darl waits until he’s out of town and sets about in the wee hours to do some poaching. The only thing he wasn’t expecting? Carol Brewer to be doing some poaching of his own – digging ginseng to be exact. Rather than face the crazy which is Carol's brother Dwayne, Darl does the only other thing he can think of – enlist his best friend Calvin’s help and bury the body . . . .
That might possibly be the best thing about David Joy’s books. You know there is not going to be a happy ending or that the characters will magically escape the superbadawful they have set themselves up for. I love how his stories are all different, but touch on similar themes of love, loyalty, family, friendship and religion (in the most shuddery way possible). He blurs the lines between what is right and what is wrong effortlessly. Not to mention, he really makes you feel like you are truly in the heart of the south . . . .
When it comes to hick lit, he’s the bees knees. Every Star.
Many thanks to NetGalley for approving me for this one before I stormed your offices!...more
Caitlin Hendrix’s childhood was almost ruined by a serial killer. Her father was the lead detective on the case that featured . . . .
“Eleven murders, all unsolved. An UNSUB: the unknown subject who would come to be called the Prophet. He made women stay home instead of going out alone. He made parents bring their children in before it got dark, and keep them inside. For five years, one of the biggest metropolitan areas in the country lived in fear, dreading the next news bulletin. Waiting for the Prophet’s next victim. Until he disappeared.”
Caitlin’s father nearly lost his sanity as he was consumed by it. Now it’s twenty-five years later and Caitlin has followed in her father’s footsteps when it comes to her choice of career. Maybe more than even she bargained for . . . .
“All these years you thought I was gone. But hell and heaven turn and turn again. Angels fall, the messenger descends, your insolence is harrowed, defiance ends. You wail in fury, but the Equinox delivers pain. It batters like a hurricane. Tremble now—you cannot hide.”
This was a mixed bag when it came to friends' ratings so it kept getting pushed to the backburner. As you can see from my placeholder "review," the only thing that forced me into it was the library message which was the equivalent of a triple-dog dare. When it comes to mysteries, there are two types that I enjoy. These . . . .
(So much so that I call it the “S7ven Scale”)
Or these . . . .
Don’t judge me.
I will say I was a bit leery at the start when an “amateur sleuth” of sorts was introduced since this story obviously wasn’t trying to go in the Hallmark Mystery Channel direction. Luckily said sleuth wasn’t immediately deputized, but she did provide believable info that many people with too much spare time on their hands might find themselves trying to obtain so I quickly accepted her character. UNSUB lands at a solid 4 on the S7ven scale and was well on the way to a full 5 until the ending. Those endings – they can be tricky. You can either do a “WHAT’S IN THE BOX” last minute twist that makes everything oh so much better or you can do one like this . . . .
Still, a great story that I never once wanted to put down.
And now for a couple of public service announcements rants since I’m suffering a severe Case of the Mondays:
#1 Dear Goodreads: NO ONE wants a book automatically marked as “read” as soon as they turn the last page or the library takes it back. NO ONE. Stop the effing madness. Especially when it said I finished reading this THIS MORNING and the entire point of me even getting motivated to read the dang blasted thing was I only had Saturday, the 2nd, in which to start AND finish it . . . .
#2 Random Strangers on Social Media: It is December and several different “bookish” places are posting statuses (statii????) about Yearly Reading Challenges along with the magical goal of 100 books. NO ONE forces you to participate in them or that 100 books is a mandatory challenge goal, so take your “but I have a life” or “but I work all day and then am superparent to my minivan full of children and don’t have time to sit around doing nothing but read” and . . . .
Just because YOU don’t want to spend your spare time reading or participate in a challenge for fun doesn’t mean you need to put others who do on blast. You’re probably the first to rant about being “bullied” on social media too. Hypocrites. And on that note, this is my 200th book of the year. Challenge complete . . . .
The Fourth Monkey popped up on my radar months ago after a friend 5-Starred it. However, due to the fact that I’m well aware that my friends are much kinder and way less judgey than me, I didn’t bother requesting an ARC. Then more 5s started appearing, including one from a certain someone who is judgey like me . . . but who also has a well-known love for evil monkeys so I still wasn’t 100% sold. It was also too late to request a reader copy so I had to put myself on hold at the library. It seemed another friend was doling out alllllllll the Stars daily by the time my turn came up Saturday night . . . .
Ouch. But sticks and stones because it turns out I wasn’t the one to poop the party! Who will the honor go to???? (Spoiler Alert: Probably Ron 2.0.)
Our story escalates pretty quickly when the local serial killer has an unfortunate run-in on his way to mail a package . . . .
Detectives Porter and Nash have been working the “Four Monkey Killer” case for the past five years ever since the first white package was delivered. Those packages have arrived fairly regularly ever since . . . .
Well, seven really, but the whole story here is finding the eighth before she croaks since the perp can’t really tell anyone where she’s being held.
This thing was just flat out awesome. I’m a hard sell when it comes to thrillers, because they ALWAYS crap the bed somehow. And while this one wasn’t exactly perfect when it came to the big reveal (if you want to talk in spoilers in the comments below, I’m more than happy to because maybe I just missed something), in the end it didn’t really matter.
The bad guy was amazingly bad . . . .
The brutality of the murders was deliciously squicky. And while there was an obvious comparison to “What’s In The Box?!?!?!?!,” the fact that it was acknowledged made it all A-Okay . . . .
“Open it up, Nash.”
“Maybe we should flip for it. I had to open the last one.”
“No, I insist. I saw Seven – if Gwyneth’s head is in there, the image will be stuck in my mind for months. This is all you. Be a man.”
^^^Great, right? Which brings me to the humorous undertone that was present throughout . . . .
“Are you escaping?”
“You’re wearing scrubs and you look a little rough to be on staff.”
“No, nothing like that. [SPOILER OMMITTED] stabbed me in the leg with a kitchen knife, then left me for dead in my kitchen. I couldn’t find my clothes, so I took these.”
Porter and Nash were excellent leads, but the real magic came from the surrounding cast of characters. Especially Kloz, the computer programmer turned detective who wasn’t afraid to engage in some questionable activity in order to find what he was looking for.
Not to mention the clues that were presented were so minor, and yet all made such sense in the end . . . .
“Some change, a dry cleaner receipt, a fedora, the pocket watch . . . . what does it all mean?”
“Puzzle it out.”
Oh, and it’s not what you might be thinking . . . .
There was even an awesome soundtrack provided that had a kickass explanation . . . .
I’m not a girl who likes a kitchen sink thrown in to the mix at the end of a whodunit, but even an exception for that has to be made here because dat lil’ summin’ summin’ more?????
Okay, really my reaction was probably more like . . . .
Recommend to ANYONE who likes a bit of the stabby stabby....more
Allow me to introduce you to my new boyfriend, Lester Ballard . . . .
Ha! Just kidding. There’s apparently even a limit to how weird I like ‘em. However, just in case you think Mitchell and I are slipping, please note that this title was added to the TBR once we discovered it was about a necrophile, which is basically our literary equivalent to . . . .
As I said before, the story here is about a man named Lester Ballard . . . .
“A child of God much like yourself perhaps.”
^ That simple little phrase might end up being one of the most thought-provoking ones I’ll ever read.
Much like other experiences with Cormac McCarthy, we readers are kind of plunked down in the middle of the goings on. With right at 200 pages, you don’t get a lot of Lester’s history. You know his mother left when he was a boy and that his father hung himself. Child of God picks up as Lester’s family home is being auctioned off – complete with the old noose still swinging in the background. To say things go downhill for Lester from there would be the understatement of the century because by Part II . . . .
The more you get into the story, the more you get acquainted with Lester’s neighbor, the dumpkeeper, and his bevy of female children and you get to meet some of Lester’s gal pals as well. Let’s just leave it with those girls are . . . .
If you don’t enjoy McCarthy’s style of writing, the shock and awe factor won’t be enough to turn you into a fan because it is still sparse and he is still allergic to quotation marks. Really, even if you do enjoy McCarthy’s style of writing, the sheer amount of shock and awe factor contained in this one might turn your stomach and turn you away from picking up his stuff in the future. As for me? I have to say McCarthy did a pretty freaking stellar job writing Lester Ballard, since I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him at times. I'm also haunted by the question that begs to be answered – was the man born a monster or was it man who turned him into a monster?
I’d normally be inclined to give this one 3 Stars but I’m going ahead and rounding it up to 4 simply for the fact that McCarthy is so ready to embrace the muses and go wherever they lead him – no matter how vile the subject matter. ...more
When my buddy Dan’s review popped up and I saw there was a story out there about ghost sharks I was IN. I L.O.V.E.D. Ghost Shark . . . .
Then I found out it was really about . . . .
“Chimaera. According to Webster’s, the word is based on a creature of mythology, an amalgam of different species in one terrifying beast. Or, in the current vernacular, one ugly fucker.”
The story here is about a surfer-dude-looking, wise-cracking, functioning alcoholic/marine biologist named Whit who ends up partnered with his climatologist ex-wife Suzanne when a methane-filled fissure under the ocean gives way, releasing a shitton of prehistoric mammoth-sized chimaera from its depths. It’s up to the two to (1) survive and (2) come up with a way to send these killers back to the hell from whence they came.
The couple of my friends who have read They Rise both gave it a 3 Star rating. To them I ask . . . .
Just kidding. I’m giving it all 5 because it ended up being EXACTLY what I hoped it would be. Even though some soon-to-be-chum character dared to say . . . .
“This is not a B-movie, Suzanne.”
That dumbshit was 100% wrong. This was ABSOLUTELY a B-movie and that’s why I loved it. They Rise had everything you could ever want in a cheesy horror flick book:
1. Monsters from the deep
2. Sexy leading characters with a love/hate history
3. Awesome one-liner type of humor such as:
“ “If we survive this, I’m calling you Dr. Jones from now on.” “But I’m not afraid of snakes.”
4. High body count with plenty of guts and gore as well as some decent shock and awe like in . . . .
The only thing that could have made things better would have been if someone told me I could eat a unicorn fart. And then I discovered I could eat a unicorn fart!!!!!!
This sumbitch was an absolute delight and made my day exponentially more enjoyable. Endless thanks to Dan for using his lending feature in order to put this gem in my reading repertoire . . . . .
If you’re looking forward to a rant to go along with this rating, you’re going to have to look elsewhere. Let me state for the record that I am a firm believer that porn is 100% fantasy and if a certain type of storyline works out for you (or even better for both you and your significant other), well then you should read whatever the hell you want. That being said, now that I’ve read a handful of Alexa Riley novellas as well as this full-length feature I can officially state that AR’s fantasies are not mine.
To begin with, this is about a stalker who gets the girl. Now, I have totally loved a story like that before, but it didn’t make me wanna jizz in my pants. It made me think that I probably should create a GoFundMe page in order to get the psychiatric help I obviously need. Buuuuuuuuuuuut, when the leading dude’s name is Miles and he looks like this . . .
It’s apparently A-Okay to want to bang him even if he’s a creepy mah fah who has been the puppetmaster of your life since you were back in high school. Unfortunately for me, I couldn’t get on board and kept hollering stuff like this at my Kindle . . . .
I don’t want to waste a whole lot more of my life on this book, so let’s run through the tired out tropes that Riley can’t get enough of real quick. Dude’s not only a super creeper, but also a millionaire. This time he owns a company called “Osbourne Corporation” and if that isn’t a clue he’s going to be kind of fucked in the head, than you haven’t watched enough Spiderman movies . . . .
The leading lady has curves in all the right places and enjoys fancy underwears because they give her “the sense of being a superhero.” Ahhhhh yes, much like my underpants do for me . . . .
He has a signature scent. This time it’s “warm amber and honey” . . . .
She’s a virgin, she rarely sits in her own chair because his lap is so readily available and they also conserve water by only eating off one plate/using one fork at any time (and OF COURSE he feeds her because her arms must be broken or something) which are things that make me go . . . .
Allllllllllllllllllllllll of which led up to the ultimate Kelly and Mitchell dealbreaker that is the “fill me up with you” talk . . . .
If this is your idea of a fantasy, more power to you, but it dried my ladygarden out like the mothereffing Sahara so I think it’s about time I call it quits when it comes to Alexa Riley. To all my friends who love her stories . . . .
EDIT: Because I literally JUST typed I was breaking up with AR and then discovered Paige's story might be the next book and YES I WILL TOTALLY READ THAT BECAUSE AM A SHAMELESS WHORE : (...more
“Nothing’s wrong with being bad. It’s like being honest or crying at the end of a sad movie. Sometimes it just happens.”
I was attempting to avoid human contact yesterday by reading this on the elevator on the way to work when a co-worker (one of the few I don’t want to punch in the throat and one who is an avid reader as well) asked what was I reading. Of course, the title wasn’t enough info for her and I found myself stumped at what Delicate Monsters should be shelved as. I couldn’t really call it anything other than Young Adult, but even uttering those words had me thinking . . . .
The story here claims to be about Sadie Su who has returned to her hometown after being gone for years . . .
“Why are you here?”
“I got kicked out of boarding school. Third one in four years. Only thing left is the public alternative.”
“I tried to kill somebody.”
I know what you’re thinking . . . .
That’s what I was thinking too. Especially when I was introduced to Emerson who knew Sadie from when he was a kid and appeared to be more than a bit shell-shocked when he heard she was back in town. But then I got to know Emerson better . . . .
I also got to meet his brother Miles and his mother who had been accused of Munchausen by Proxy and Sadie’s mother and by the time I was done I wanted to call the author on the phone in order to ask . . . .
I’m going on record and saying I recommend this to NO ONE. Wait, that’s a lie. I recommended it to one person already (bet you’ll never guess who). She’s the only exception, though, because . . . . .
This book has everything you’d never want to read about: mean girls and bullying to the point of attempted suicide, actual suicide, mental illness, sexual assault, and on and on and on. I’m not going to be responsible for anyone getting triggered, so don’t read it. As for me and Mitchell? This was our idea of a good time. But we also know how to tackle books like this . . . .
If you're asking yourself "where does she find shit like this?!?!?!?!" the answer this time is the 100 Must-Read Books With Unlikeable Women (or in this case "Unlikeable Everyones"). I've already had much luck with many on that list and I will definitely keep reading more of these in the future.
“I’d stay out of those woods if I were you. There’s something out there, and I can tell you it’s not a cougar or any of the nonsense the police keep trying to sell.”
A wise man once said . . . .
Such is the case when Jude goes missing after exploring the woods behind his house in Oregon only to show up several days later without being able to provide many answers as to where he’s been. As Jude’s behavior becomes more odd, only his cousin Stevie questions what really happened to him while he was gone . . . .
“Something was wrong with Jude. Really really wrong.”
I was all over The Devil Crept In like stink on shit as soon as I saw it due to my previous Ania Ahlborn experience. However, since I’m a moron I failed to review it after I finished until 11811(Eleven)’s review jogged my memory. Do you know Eleven? You should. Mainly because he looks like he could do . . . .
But I digress. Once I finished cleaning up after peeing myself over my friend's opening line about his potential for fathering an heir like Otto I started yakking this little bit of nothing out.
As I said, I snatched this up as quickly as my fat little fingers could pretty much knowing that . . . .
(^^^^That’s middle-aged white man speak for “DIS GUN B GUUD”)
My assumption was correct. Ahlborn spins a good yarn and I was forced to read this only when other humans were present in my house due to the fact that . . . .
The entire story delivered that goosepimply, hair-raised-on-the-back-of-your-neck uneasiness. This author has definitely earned herself a fan and I will be seeking out more of her stuff in the future . . . . but I’ll make sure to only admire her from afar as Eleven has already claimed her as his celebrity crush.
ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley! ...more
(A request before I begin, if you will humor me for a moment. If you’re gonna troll me for reading this wrong at least come up with a quotable quote my friends can berate me with for eternity. I’m looking at you, “You Suck Turtles” lady – you done good.)
Now on with the show. In case you aren’t already aware, I are quite horrible . . . .
I truly don’t intend to be contrary to popular opinion and, believe it or not, often go with the flow and fall right in line with the masses when it comes to reading things rightly or wrongly. This time, however? I am forced to go against even my fave lil’ witch. I was secretly hoping for this kind of reaction to the news that I downstarred one of her recommendations . . .
If only so I could throw the nervous pisser dog at her and lock the door pronto, but alas she is not of the butthurt variety and didn’t even get annoyed. (She is obviously turrrrrrible at this interweb thing and should probably read the handbook on how to act a dumbass.)
Alright, so about this book I didn’t like. Trapped is the story of a camping trip from hell. A group of six juvies and their court-appointed guardians have gone to be one with nature and experience some group therapy. It doesn’t take long before you find out the kids ain’t alright . . . .
And for them to meet the locals . . . . .
If you’re looking for gross, this one delivers in spades. It’s gory and there’s also some of this for the iron-stomached . . . . .
This is a true blue “B-Movie” grade slasher tale in written format designed to make you cringe while reading . . . . .
So what was my problem? Well, the author decided to (1) give these future murder victims backstories which I could have given a shit about (I mean really, does anyone care about the home lives of people in films like I Know What You Did Last Summer or Wrong Turn???? Hell no, we just want to see them get the stabby stabby); and (2) he made them all speak ebonics. Now, I am not one who minds reading slang or accents, but this was obviously the whitest human in America (aside from Richard Spencer, of course) who was trying to be real “down” with how the urban youths speak today. And it was super annoying.
Anyway, everyone else loved this so read it. You’ll probably like it just like all my friends did. Don't want to roll the dice, but still want to read about a camping trip you'll never forget (without years of psychotherapy that is)???? Opt for The Troop....more
Okay, this was definitely not the book for me. I asked Jesus to take the wheel and write a review, but he told me he was too wrapped up in the Melania plagiarism scandal from last night’s Republican Convention (#votecthulhu) so I should just go eff myself. Lucky for all of you Mitchell volunteered as tribute. (Allow me to apologize for what you are about to read in advance.)
Noelle gets ran out of Eden for committing the baddest of all the sins . . .
Her day gets worse when she’s roofied (or whatever the street name is in dystopia) and followed by a creeper who wants to make the sexyslavetimes with her. Lucky for everyone Jasper and his band of brothers from The Broken Circle arrive just in time to save the day and take her back to Old Town errrr Sector 4. It’s there, under the watchful eye of Lex . . .
That Noelle learns how to embrace her inner freak and get down with pert near errrrrrrybody . . . but especially with Jasper . . .
Ahhhhh yes, not only do the two experience much of the insta but they also provide allllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the . . . .
Kelly didn’t enjoy it, but I was like . . .
Especially the end when Noelle embraced her inner whore wholeheartedly!!!!!
(Do not even think about getting angry about me “slut shaming” – Noelle was an awesome slut and I loved her. I also sharpened my tusks so watch out crybabies.)
Alright, so there you have it. Here’s the problem(s) I had. This book was supposed to be all about consent and how the women were in charge and learning to embrace your smexy side and blahblahblah. HOWEVER, bitch clearly didn’t know anything at all about sex and “consenting” only to feel humiliated and nasty about yourself isn’t really doing it right. Now I realize these books should only be read by adults, but I fear the stoopids will get ahold of stuff like this and be even more confused about what is taking ownership of your naughtybits. Not to mention that the sex, although there was a TON of it, really wasn’t very sexy. The dirty talk and whatnot didn’t bother me in the least this go ‘round, it just seemed to . . . . . go off track (????) with the explaining to dumbass Noelle about the how-tos and also she passed out every time she made an O-face so that was a little off and she probably should have seen a doctor about it. I don’t know if I’ll ever give this series another chance, but I will admit I’m intrigued by Six’s story so if she has a book I might sneak a peek one day.
It was actually commentary between this pervert and this pervert that made me request Beyond Shame. Mitchell is now officially in love with you girls. Best get a restraining order pronto!
Friend ratings run the gamut, but the one thing they all agree on is that this is nothing but pure smut. Bring it : )
In 1967 a group of young men were brought together courtesy of Uncle Sam. They became killing machines and part of an elite task force known as the Magnificent Seven . . .
Five made it out of the jungle and went on with life . . . or whatever semblance of one they could make for themselves. Fast forward 20 years to the five men each receiving a letter along with a check in the amount of $50,000 if they attend a meeting – where a promise of an additional $1,000,000 paycheck is offered if they are willing to team up once again and participate in a rescue mission somewhere in the Northwest Territory known as “The Preserve.”
Where to start? Man this IS NOT a book I can recommend to just anyone. Mitchell told me to stop being such a little bitch and let him do this review, but to be 100% honest once he read the following . . .
“Then the thing turned to face us and its eyes, oh Christ those eyes, and its head bluntly misshapen, snouted, with the features of a boar . . .”
Yeah, he was gonzo and declared an automatic 5 Star rating should be given no matter what the remaining 3/4 of the book brought to the table.
So what did the other 3/4 of this book bring to the table? Well, aside from a repeat performance by my breakfast, lunch and dinner it brought one hell of a trip that I won’t soon forget . . . .
The Preserve might not truly be worthy of all of the Stars for most readers, but it’s getting all of them from me. I will forewarn you, you REALLY have to dig war speak. Luckily for me I was raised in a testosterone-driven family and cut my teeth on movies like Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now and Platoon. The characters, the battles, and the atrocities all brought memories of those films to mind. As I hinted about above, you also need to have an iron stomach. This is by far the goriest book I’ve ever read. Nary a page went by without something unthinkable being described in great detail.
I decided to pick this book up because I am a giant pussy and am terrified to write up how much one of my favorite author’s soon-to-be-released novels failed to wow me. However, “Patrick Lestewka” was able to deliver everything I have come to expect from Nick Cutter. Man I love those crazy kanucks . . .
I picked The Preserve up a year or so ago due to the Cutter angle mentioned above (and also due to the $2.99 Kindle price tag). I decided to read it now both because of the Little Heaven fail and because Charlene’s review called it “fun.” Only Charlene would call this fun. She is my go-to gal for all things horror and the best kind of sicko! ...more
What’s that? We should all go to NetGalley and request alllllllll the pornos, you say? Sure! I’m right behind yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . . .
Once again, it didn’t take much more than the title to get me to press the ol’ clickity click. You do realize what is being talked about in a book like this with a title like Meat, right?????
And when I found out it was about a dominating alpha male in the form of a chef????
Don’t tell me you haven’t fantasized about Gordo calling you a “bloody donkey” in the best way possible too. But then I actually read the book and I was all . . .
So many problems. To begin with, this was short. I mean REALLY short. I’d let you know the exact length, but unfortunately it’s not referenced anywhere. I can assure you, however, that it is waaaaaay shorter than Rex’s wang which was the equivalent of a baby’s arm with an apple plum at the top. Now, short is not necessarily the worst thing in the world, but to try and cram a full plot into this was like playing a record on the wrong speed. Bet I lost half of you there. A record? What a dinosaur I am! Translation is this puppy was on fast-forward so there was a LOT happening (like the meet/cute to the one-nighter when they couldn’t even slow down to put on a rubber to the second (not so) meet/cute to the luuuuuuuurv to the dun dun dunnnnnnnnn to the big reveal to the high speed finish), but not much of it was really talked about. Except the sex. That was talked about. A lot. Using words like . . .
“slick petals” and “thick corona” and “back passage” and “suckle” . . .
And also . . .
“His big tongue glided over her again, enthusiastic and thorough.”
I’d say I learned my lesson, but today I logged back on again and found I had a “wish granted” for a different porno that I had completely forgot I even requested. I have a shame . . .
ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!
Kathleen is the porn pusher this go 'round. She hasn't even finished this one yet so I don't know if she liked it or hated it, but I covered my ass by shoving her back over to NetGalley and not letting her leave until she requested another porn in order to balance it all out. She's also the person whose review got me to "wish" for the other book I forgot about so you'll be seeing her name quite frequently. She's the worst best ; ) ...more
“How many of us truly know the beat of our hidden hearts?”
What happened??????? Maybe I don’t speak Canadian . . . .
I pulled a real Ron 2.0 and read this over a month ago without ever summing up my feelings. I thought dragging my feet would work to my benefit, but I’m still the first effing person to post a review. Now I realize it’s time to rip off the Band-Aid and just puke it all out here.
I was soooooooooooooooooooooooo excited when I saw a new release from Nick Cutter. Once I finish welding the customized chain and shackles for him in my basement I’ll be just like Stepheny I’m pretty sure I’m his number one fan. (Trudi would probably say otherwise, but I’ll whip her ass in a cage match if I have to in order to prove it.)
The basics of the story are that three people with quite a sordid past are hired to work together in order to check up on a kid who may have been kidnapped by Tom Cruise be living in a cult in New Mexico – but there ends up being so much more to the Black Rock location than meets the eye.
Sounds decent, right? Well, it wasn’t really. It took until about the 20% mark to figure out what the hell was even going on due to it beginning with the main characters’ backstories (which eventually made sense and were 100% necessary, but while reading had me wondering when the hell the awesome culty stuff was ever going to start). And then we got to the cult . . .
Now I understand that David Miscavige only a handful of people come to mind when the term “religious cult” is mentioned, but seriously with this bullshit???? I mean all the way down to the pompadour and aviators . . .
And the story itself? Sadly it wasn’t fresh either . . . .
But enough with the bad. Let’s talk about some good. To begin with, other than Jim Jones Reverend Amos, I dug the characters and they had pretty awesome chemistry with each other too . . .
“You better make that fuckin’ phone call!” Minerva shouted over the engine.
“I’ll miss you most of all!” he shouted back to her.
Next, while things seemed to kind of churn around in one place for too long with nothing really going on, the ending wound up being pretty satisfactory.
And finally, no one does gross like Cutter does gross. We’re talking a real barf-o-rama with this one . . .
Why thank you Jonah Hill. If I were rating only for the puke factor this would get all the stars. Unfortunately that’s not the case, so 2 Stars it must be. Little Heaven just couldn’t hold a candle to Cutter’s other stuff. But don’t take my word for it – read it for yourself. After all . . . .
ARC provided by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. Thank you, NetGalley!
Ha! Not really (the bored part, not the appreciating Canada part). I definitely appreciate Nick Cutter. Almost to an unhealthy degree. Almost . . . .
When I first saw this over on NetGalley about 124 years ago, I reeeeaaaallllyyyyy wanted it – mainly because the title made me think it was going to be this type of story . . . .
Per usual, I was late to the party and by the time I went to request a copy it had gone poof in the night. Then a couple of my friends read it and not only proved that my brain is a complete and utter failure because this was most def NOT a Mr. and Mrs. Smith revamp, but that there also included an unreadable part featuring a garden vegetable. But I ain’t skeered. I’m just like this cat . . . .
And now that I finished????
Ha! I keed. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to cucumbers now.
Seriously though. I kinda almost want to give this 5 Stars . . . .
I mean, it was just soooooo bad that it was good. From “slurpy” oral sex to awful smexytalk like such . . . .
“I want to make you orgasm over and over again just to see the look on your face.”
This was a trainwreck I couldn’t pry my eyes from and my reading experience was pretty much the equivalent of . . . . . .
Aside from cucumber double penetration and really bad dialogue, you’re probably wondering what War and Peace was even about. Well, pull up a chair and get comfy ‘cause it was pretty much about ERRRRRYTHING and I’m going to SPOIL THE CRAP OUT OF IT FOR YOU. Still here? Okay, let’s do this.
It all starts with Baylee getting some slurp done on her hoo by her boyfriend who can’t seem to locate the little man in the boat (probably because he’s so drooly) when a masked man barges in the room, knocks ol’ Moral Oral out and snatches (hehehe snatch) Baylee off to a cabin in the woods. Once unmasked, she discovers the kidnapper is none other than the neighbor fella she has always thought was kinda hot. Neighbor fella thinks the same of Baylee, but he also needs some money so he plans on selling Baylee to a sex ring and then kidnapping her back. But first (!!!!) he has to “train” her . . . . .
And don’t you know that ho has one of those daggum “traitorous bodies” that makes her have an O-Face even when she’s getting pounded like a nail by a super raper. Soon her two weeks of schooling end and she finds herself auctioned off to the highest bidder . . . .
“You are never allowed to touch me. Ever. Are we clear?”
And I was like: OH HEY THERE WEIRDO!!!!
Apparently he just wants a companion and Baylee is willing to stay if “War” will help grease some palms and get her momma a new kidney on the black market or whatever means is necessary to keep her from croaking. But you know they is going to road trip to pound town too!
(Oh, and in case you’re wondering “War” isn’t some post-zombie-apocalypse name or some shit. It’s just short for Warren – which if you are cool at all you will automatically associate with . . . . .
Back to our story. So Baylee and War finally do the bang bang, we find out the superbadawful that turned him into a superfreak, Cucumber Fan No. 1 shows back up right when I’m pretty sure (view spoiler)[Baylee’s about ready to discover she’s preggers with his bebe kid (hide spoiler)] and then he (view spoiler)[ TOTALLY SHOOTS WARREN!!!! (hide spoiler)]. Fade to black. Cliffy ending. BWAHAHAHAHA SO LAME! I LOVE IT!
By the end I was totally channeling my inner Dino Jess . . . . .
There aren’t enough thank yous in the world to offer up to my book fairy for this one. YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!
Fuck it. I’m giving it 5 Stars. Suck it, haters.
"Human trafficking, dubious consent, and strong sexual themes"
I’m struggling with how to approach this “review” (a/k/a picturebook) so I’m going to start with a little summin’ summin’ ‘splaining what the stories were about and then maybe write some words and stuff about how I felt at the end. Here goes nothin’ . . .
OF BADGERS AND PORN DWARVES
Our first charming little tale is about a fella named Rummy . . .
A few years ago he was the toast of Tinseltown – okay, maybe more like the toast of the back alleyways of Tinseltown, but nonetheless he was cashing in on the gift the good Lord gave him and making hand over various orifices fist as an adult film star. Nowadays, ol’ Rummy ain’t so lucky . . .
Even a little blue pill can’t charm his trouser snake back to life and he’s in debt up to his eyeballs. Faced with the choice of being blowtorched to death or doing a favor for his bookie, Rummy takes door number two. And that’s where his bad day begins. An ill-timed car wreck along with a run-in with a territorial badger leads Rummy to come face to face with his worst nightmare . . .
Once again, Rummy is forced to nut up or shut up – this time the shutting up will be courtesy of a shotgun blast to the face. Although his anaconda most assuredly does not want none, like all good actors Rummy knows the show must go on . . .
“You got any rubbers or something?”
“Don’t worry, she’s clean. Me n’ Fuller can vouch for that. You’re good to raw dog her.”
We’re talking ‘bout . . .
Here’s a reaction shot of the way the rest of the story went for Mitchell and myself . . .
Obviously he is of the stronger constitution in our relationship.
JESUS IN A DOG’S ASS
You can probably guess what this one is about just from the title. Hank had big plans for the video camera he picked up at the local pawn shop. He was getting his cinematography skills all primed and ready by taking short films of Scooter the dog’s daily deuces when his wife discovered something miraculous – an image of Jesu Christi surrounding the dog’s dirty balloon knot . . . .
“The Lord sure does work in mysterious ways.”
With the recent arson of the local church, Scooter (or more specifically, his butt) has become a place of worship and also something Hootie and Poke figure can make them quite the mint if they dognap him for ransom . . . .
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, everyone knows you should never work with dogs or children . . . .
FRANK, THE SNAKE, & THE SNAKE
Frankie “The Tin Man” Piscopo used to run a chop-shop for the local mob boss. When things hit the fan, Frank became Phil and hightailed his butt down to Florida . . .
Via the Witness Protection Program. Things haven’t been great for Frank . . . errrrr Phil, but he’s avoided getting whacked. Everything could change, though, once he meets local wannabe Mafioso Stevie . . .
“Don’t you get what this is yet, Mr. P? I’m making you an offer you can’t refuse.”
Frank has an important decision to make – run one “errand” with Stevie or have his identity and whereabouts snitched to the mob boss’ kid. Little does Frank know what he’s getting into when he says yes to Frankie’s deal . . .
THE MAD BUTCHER OF PLAINFIELD'S CHARIOT OF DEATH
The final selection is a real super shorty about a carnie who looks a lil’ something like this . . .
(Creepy enough already, right?)
Who buys The Mad Butcher of Plainfield - Eddie Gein’s old car at auction hoping to snag some dollars from the easy marks who will stop by his tent for a little taboo thrill. And what a thrill it will be . . . .
Okay, so there’s the stories contained in this collection, kids. Now let’s talk about how they made me feel. Once the nausea passed I had to admit this was one hell of a good time. I discovered Adam Howe back with Gator Bait and for some reason he was unlike a good chunk of Goodreads users and didn’t want to bitch about all my giffifying under the guise of a “review,” but instead offered me a chance to read more of his stuff for free. I wolfed down the remainder of Die Dog or Eat the Hatchet and knew Mr. Howe had earned himself a fan. However, since I’m kind of the worst fan any author should want to have I promptly forget about also owning this book. I should kick my own ass for it too. Adam Howe, you can write, son! While both collections featured a high supply of gore and ewwww, I found Mojo to be on the lighter side of things and had an absolute ball. Of course, I buddy-read this with a dead pig head so take that into consideration when you’re looking for something “light” to read. Oh, and if you don’t know why a snake named Plissken is maybe the best thing in the history of ever you might wanna go ahead and unfriend me. A solid 4+ Stars for every story except the last – and hey that was a “bonus” story anyway so I’m not even going to waste any time complaining about it. I can’t wait to see what your twisted self comes up with next.
Copy provided by the author in exchange for an honest review. If you think I wouldn’t be honest just because I scored a freebie, we obviously haven’t met. I’m pretty much an unapologetic dickhead when it comes to talking about what I like and don’t like. ...more
Send your hate mail to Val, she's gotta be used to it by now. As for me, I thought I had unleashed the beast and was able to tackle any kind of porno, but apparently that is not the case. *sadly shoves freak flag in the back of dresser drawer where it belongs*
She's Too Young is not your typical girl-meets-boy tale. That's because the girl in this story isn't quite 18 yet . . .
When Ramsey Beckett first lays eyes on Lolita Veda he feels alive for the first time in years. And Ramsey is not used to being denied what he wants. So, in typical billionaire fashion he makes Veda's daddy an offer he can't refuse wherein Ramsey will become Veda's legal guardian until she turns 18. I know what you're thinking. Oh goody, an uber controlling movie star good looks type of 30-year old billionaire leading male. That's such a fresh concept!!!!
Although Veda is not yet legal, she's most defo a cocktease who makes it impossible for Ramsey's huge wang to stop thinking about her so he's all . . .
SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE!!!! (See how old I am? I'm referencing effing WARRANT songs FFS. No wonder I couldn't just let loose and roll with this plotline.)
Alright, so the underage thing made me feel like I should turn my Kindle over to the Feds, and facials aren't my idea of quality sexytimes, but there was something about this damn story that made me sit and read the whole thing while letting my coffee go cold. Ramsey's narration had a "porny noir" vibe that kept me on the hook and there's obviously A LOT we haven't learned about Veda. I mean really the only thing I know for sure are the ins and outs of what her kitty cat looks, feels and tastes like. I'm intrigued by where this story will go and if it's zero dollars I'll probably read the second book.
For now I'll be taking a Crying Game shower if anyone is looking for me . . .
Since Stella’s mother died she’s been doing everything she can to keep her family’s ranch while her father falls into a deeper pit of drinking and gambling. Now in debt up to her eyeballs, Stella has been left with only one choice – to put herself up on the block at the latest Mistress Auction and sell her virginity to the highest bidder during a 30-day contract. Little does she know the bidder (or in this case bidders) in question have plans for Stella for waaaaaay longer than the one month contract she believes she's signing up for . . .
Thanks to another terminal case of “traitorous body” Stella is down for some brotherly lovin’. If you’ve read any Alexa Riley previously you are probably well aware of where it goes from this point. First, our female lead gets a pet name. In this case “Lucky” since her vajay is oh so magically delicious and all that . . .
And then there’s A LOT of talk about the need to fill ‘er up . . .
Which results in something kind of like this . . .
Since this is a two-for-the-price-of-one storyline, there’s also the matter of figuring out which tab goes into which hole (Spoiler Alert: EVERY tab goes in EVERY hole). Three stars because yeah, I am just not a fan of all the wheezing of the juice that Riley likes to go on and on about and also because everyone knows you NEVER cross streams!
Many thanks to the most perverted of all book fairies (you know who you are) who keeps me in smut when work is super cray and my car is being an asshole. ...more
Joe Lansdale was barely a blip on my radar until a few months ago when it seemed errrrryone started reading his stuff. Since I am an idiot, I had no idea WTF Hap and Leonard even was or that it was a soon-to-be television program. I just knew that Real Dan and Kemper were reading the crap out of these stories and everybody else seemed to be reading Lansdale too. Then during one of our bitch sessions highly intellectual conversations, Shelby reminded me the show had premiered. It sounded like something my husband would TOTALLY dig so I cued it up for him and planned to get back to my regularly scheduled porno Pulitzer winner. But then Omar appeared on my screen and my hubs was like “are you seriously going to watch T.V. and not read right now??!?!?!?!” and I was like . . .
Alright, so there’s the backstory of why I’m so late to this party. My apologies for the couple minutes of your life you just wasted and will never get back. Now let’s get on with the show.
Hap and Leonard are just a couple of good ol’ boys – never meaning no harm. They’ve been makin’ their way the only way they know how, but then Leonard’s ex-wife shows up with her magic poonany and reveals a scheme that’s just a little bit more than the law will allow . . .
“One hundred thousand dollars for each of us.”
“Shit. What we got to do, shoot someone?”
“Nope. We have to swim for it.”
If the paraphrased lyrics above don’t ring a bell or if you are a millennial, there’s a good chance Hap & Leonard probably aren’t the guys you want to spend time with. However, if you’re not easily offended by foul language or some pretty gnarly asskicking and want to read the best dialogue of your life - Lansdale will provide. I may have shown up way more than fashionably late for this party, but I’m most definitely here to stay . . . .
3.5 Stars rounded up because I need some wiggle room as I continue the series and also because the final action sequence went on just a wee bit too long for my liking. I blame the waning of my attention during that part on my lack of penis. Happy belated International Women’s Day ; ) ...more
Up to this point when I’ve received an unsolicited review request from an author I have not heard of before I have immediately throw them in the spam-is-not-real-meat folder and never look back. But when this author messaged me (and began with “sorry to bother you” rather than READMYSPECIALSNOWFLAKENOW!) comparing her latest release to that of the Trailer Park Virgin and then I read what may be the best blurb in the history of ever I knew that there’s a first time for everything and rules were meant to be broken and yada yada yada. Don’t like it????
The “plot” (term used as lightly as possible) of Hung is that Jill and Josh’s parents married a year or so ago. Due to the high rent in NYC and the fact that Josh’s dad is kind of a loser the two have been forced to share a room which has led to . . .
“I kinda wanna fuck my stepbrother.”
Yes please. Oh spare me your holier than thou. Don’t tell me you’ve never been turned on by stepbrother bangery . . . .
That’s what I thought. Alright, so up until this point our girl Jill has waited until Josh went to sleep before digging her best friend out from behind the mattress and easing her stress – or at least that’s what she thought. However, it only takes one wardrobe malfunction for the two to explore a night of Netflix and Chill and then wooooooooooo doggy . . .
Jill is hot to trot and is up for anything. I mean we’re talking AN.Y.THANG. . . .
And that’s the part where it lost me. Bedposts are for decoration only. Zoinks!
Many thanks to the author for providing a copy in exchange for an honest review. You are a filthy pervert and I love it . . . Just not enough to fuck my own bed ; ) ...more
WARNING: MITCHELL WAS IN CHARGE OF GIFS TODAY SO THINGS MIGHT GO A LITTLE PEAR SHAPED
“Beware the jaws that bite, the claws that snatch . . .”
Confession time: I hateAlice in WonderlandandThrough the Looking Glassand allllll of the movies that have been made from cartoon to Helena Bonham-Carter musey magic. It’s just never been my thing (save your anger – I’ll probably post something more offensive before this review is even over). That being stated, Alice probably would have remained on my TBR indefinitely were it not for the awesomeness of my Elf on the Shelf wonderfully wicked book fairy this Christmas.
Once I started reading Alice I was all “I gotta feeling (wooooo hoooo) that tonight’s gonna be a good night” . . . .
Ooooooh doggie. This ain’t yo grandmomma’s Lewis Carroll! Truly a fresh take that was inspired by the original. In this version, Alice is a resident of Old City’s nuthouse. Her only companionship comes from Hatcher, someone she can talk to/catch glimpses of through a mouse hole near the floor and who didn’t get his nickname over a hat . . . .
Alice didn’t always live in Old City, though. Nooooooo, once upon a time Alice was a fair-haired beauty from the right side of the tracks – a/k/a New City. But Alice wanted to experience a little taste of the dark side of life. Boy did she *shudder*.
Fastforward back to the present where Alice and Hatcher have a chance to escape the hospital. However, their only chance of survival is to kill the Jaberwocky . . .
No, Mitchell, not the dance troupe. An even more terrifying creation.
In order to come face-to-face with the darkest of all evils, Alice and Hatcher must deal with the various local crime bosses, including Cheshire . . .
the Caterpillar . . .
the Walrus . . .
(Alrighty then. Coo coo ca choo to you too, Mitchell.)
And last, but most certainly not least, the Rabbit . . .
Things are even more treacherous than they appear (and they already appear pretty crappy, right?) as Alice must make her way through the seedy underbelly of a city whose criminals earn their money via kidnapping young girls and forcing them into the sex trade.
This story was D.A.R.K. and oh so very stabby. Do not say I didn’t warn you. If you’re looking for a cuddly cartoon version of Alice, you should most definitely look elsewhere. On the other hand, if you’re like me and are looking for something more like this . . .
I highly recommend Christina Henry’s spin on things. All the Stars. Many thanks to my friend Christopher for putting this on the radar for me.
This selection was chosen as part of the Winter Reading Challenge my library puts on each year. Four more books and the limited edition coffee mug will be MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!
“Why are you here? You’re not OneOfUs. You don’t have a pony.”
Our story begins a little something like this . . .
Okay, maybe not - but sorta. TopGirl is having a pony party and she has invited Tina Barbara to come. Barbara LOVES playing ponies and her pony is just as excited to be invited to go play with TheOtherGirls' ponies. Barbara and her pony know what is expected in order to attend . . .
But realize it's well worth it in order to be friends with all of TheOtherGirls and are sure it's going to be a magical fun time . . .
And it is!!!!
Well, for a little while.
Ponies has the "trainwreck" factor which means EVERYONE has read or is planning on reading it. At 10 pages and me with 15 minutes to kill it was the perfect choice. I'd normally give something like this 3 Stars due to my own issues with not enjoying the super short shorts, but I dreamed about ponies last night *shudder* so it gets 4. Thanks Shelby for providing me with nightmares my brain never could have conjured up on its own.
"You feed me and I feed you and that’s what makes the world go round . . ."
The Coliseum. Man oh man. There are so few words. Luckily the interwebs are full of tons of pictures! Let me begin by recommending this charming little tale of prison life be read directly before a huge meal . . .
No, not really. In fact, I don’t recommend reading this at all. There’s a very exclusive section of society who would find this book enjoyable. They are known as Trudi and Mitchell.
Welcome to The Coliseum - the newest type of supermax prison. With the death penalty off the table, a group of lobbyists get approval for a former hockey arena to be . . . . renovated in order to keep the worst of the worst type of humans off the streets. Once you enter the Coliseum, it’s every man for himself. The guards are on the outside, the food is dropped from the sky. The only bright side is the neverending loop of that wonderful Huey Lewis and the News tune “Hip to be Square” . . .
This is the story of what happens when Albert, a man who probably shouldn’t have bought himself that present . . .
offs the wrong guy who was banging his wife. It’s also about Jackson, the charming religious zealot who Jim Jones’d his followers . . .
And last, but certainly not least, it’s about Harlan . . .
a fella who wasn’t ever quite the same after his run-in with “Groundskeeper Willie” as a child. (Sidenote to anyone who gives a poop: Harlan will go down as one of my fave characters this year.)
Speaking of poop . . .
There’s a lot of poop in this story. And entrails. So many entrails. As I stated right from the jump, this one isn’t for everybody. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, if you are of sound mind and rock-solid stomach, you should go for it. Ain’t nothing like discovering one of my favorite authors had an even darker persona than the one I’ve already experienced . . .
Many thanks once again to Trudi. Without her review I wouldn’t even know this book (or pen-name) existed. Wait, what you got there, Trudi????
Whew! Just some more Kool-Aid? I’d loooooooooooove another cup. ...more
This has a 4.40 rating among my friends. My honorary man card????
I just don’t think my penis was big enough to truly enjoy this one.
Donnybrook is quite possibly the most brutal thing I’ve ever read. It’s the tale of a mash-up of about a billion characters, all thinly connected who converge at . . . you guessed it – THE DONNYBROOK. What is the Donnybrook, you ask? Well, it’s kind of like this . . .
(Get you some, Jared Leto)
But unlike the picture above, you can most definitely talk about this fight club. The fight is just a blip on the radar when it comes to this story, though. First you have to meet the ensemble. Folks like Jarhead Johnny Earl who is just trying to do whatever it takes to support his family . . .
(I’m about 147% certain ol’ Jarhead didn’t look like that, but I am a disgusting pervert so it was really easy to convince myself he did.)
Then you have Angus – a real entrepreneur . . .
And his high-class sister, Liz . . .
I can’t forget Fu . . .
Even a man of the law gets in the mix on this one . . .
As I said, after an infinite number of introductions have been made all of whom then have various run-ins, shoot ‘em ups, beat ‘em ups and about everything else you can imagine that might possibly draw blood, the story ties together in a bloodbath of epic proportions.
So obviously I read this wrong (goes without saying at this point, right?). I’m going to blame it on the timing. Having just come off Miriam Black with only a couple of pornos highly intellectual novels in between my brain wanted to compare this apple with that somewhat similar apple. For me Donnybrook lacked a bit in the plot/character development department. However, if you are looking for a high body count, a soundtrack featuring Johnny Cash and some pretty freaking quotable quotes . . .
“Is that spite or disrespect? You making a threat?”
Angus told him, “I don’t make threats. I offer moments to reconcile one’s shitty choices.”
Then look no further. I’ll definitely be keeping Frank Bill on my radar in order to see what his twisted brain can come up with next.
Many thanks to Ron 2.0for forcing this down my throat politely telling me I should read this book. I almost even agreed with you! Mitchell says thanks too. He found this highly educational. He also requests if you're ever in our neck of the woods you stop by (preferably while I'm at work) and drop off some Sudafed and empty Mountain Dew two liters. He wouldn't tell me why he needed them, though *shrug*. ...more
"When Hell is full, the dead shall walk the Earth. I’m pretty sure it’s a quote from the Bible. Maybe not word for word, but something similar. And if not then it is definitely a quote from a George A. Romero film and - right now – those films should be our new Bible.”
You might think Rotting Dead F*cks to be yet another standard zombie fare. Things in the world were going along swimmingly when . . .
Zombie apocalypse. Per usual there’s no explanation why. Poop simply hit the fan. This is the story of several non-brain-nommers and their efforts to keep said brains un-nommed during the immediate aftermath of the zombie breakout. Of course, since this is a Matt Shaw story it takes things to a totally new level of discomfort. What begins with . . .
Quickly morphs into . . .
and then . . .
(Just replace that newspaper with a Kindle.)
Thar be triggers. Consider yourself warned.
If you can stomach the really-not-okay parts of the storyline, you’ll find yourself reading a real adrenaline rush of a novella. I read pretty fast, but this one left me cursing myself because there was no way for me to go faster, leaving me hyperventilating and nothing but a bundle of nerves ready to lash out at anyone who dared pull me away from my reading trance.
Good thing Shaw knows to keep his stuff short. He also continues to impress me with his horrifying brand of debauchery. Mitchell has already requested my assistance in making friendship bracelets for them to share . . .
Probably a good thing you live across the pond, Mr. Shaw. Just sayin’ ...more
“What is it they say? You never forget your first love.”
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, this book blurb started spreading around the Goodreadsphere earlier this week. It became crystal clear there were only two camps – on one side of the room sat the normies who didn’t want anything to do with it and on the other side . . . .
Yeah, all of us freaks pre-ordered this sum bitch en masse.
For me I’ll admit as soon as I saw the title I may have let out a bit of a squee and offered up a tiny prayer to whatever freaky book god would deliver me a book about Sweetbreads and Sweet Nothings. When the blurb confirmed this story would be about cannibalism Mitchell practically knocked me out of the way to get it pre-ordered. We were both expecting something very particular in this “romance” . . . .
Mitchell was less-than-thrilled when it turned out there was less ewww in the form of the nomnomnom and more ewww in the form of the fact that it seemed like we were reading the equivalent of a Sam Smith record playing on an endless loop . . .
Now, if you are of the weak-stomached variety, you’ll probably still barf. However, if you’re like me (a/k/a totally normal) you’ll look past the potential gross-out factor and see this novella for what it is – how to find closure and move on with your life after you’ve lost a partner. Imagine if you could sit across the table from someone you loved who decided to take his own life . . . or if you could speak to cancer or heart disease or whatever else took your love away. If you could release all of your hatred, if you could be provided an explanation of why, if you could find peace. This story is obviously not for everyone and it’s most definitely not perfect (probably around 3 Stars as far as writing/character development/etc. and negative 1,000 Stars for that fug cover), but I’m giving it 3.5 Stars for originality and for the fact that I thought I was just reading something for a cheap October thrill and ended up experiencing something much deeper.
Okay, the review portion is over – now I’m going to hop on my soapbox for a second. This week I’ve seen lots of posts (about this and another story) saying “this is subject matter that should NEVER be written about” or “shame on the author.” Everyone has the right to opt not to read a book, to 1 Star it because you hated it, to rage review it because you found it offensive – but be careful throwing around those “NEVERS.” You may regret it someday if you find your right to speak freely taken away . . .
Alright, stepping of soapbox. Now on to the mad props for all my homies who jumped right into the fire with me on this one . . .
Die Dog or Eat the Hatchet is a collection of three novellas. I’ll be *cough* “reviewing” *cough* each separately. As always, this is giffed to the max so read at the risk of burning all your data in one go.
DAMN DIRTY APES
“The greatest trick the skunk ape ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn’t exist.”
Reggie Levine used to be a hot shit prizefighter – that is until he came across one Boar Hog Brannon. (Mitchell has been impossible to live with since reading those words. No, Mitchell, we aren’t giving this an automatic 5 Star. DO. NOT. ASK. AGAIN.)
Anyway, old Reg retired his boxing gloves and retired his ass to a permanent spot at the local uhhhhhhh, “watering hole” . . . .
It’s there Reggie drinks his breakfast, lunch, and dinner and serves as a bouncer for the proprietor, Old Walt . . .
Sidenote: I’m just gonna go ahead and leave the following here for me to come back later when I need some “inspiration” . . . .
When a couple of locals decide to delve in to the world of adult film . . .
Nope. I’m talking about some fetish porn in the form of a dude wearing a mascot costume that smelled like a fart in an elevator. It’s right before the big finish *wink wink* when the movie crew finds themselves abruptly interrupted by a surprise guest . . . .
(Can’t tell which is Bigfoot and which is Clay Matthews.)
Anyway, I digress. With the starring male now MIA and a local Skunk Ape hunter hot on the trail, Reggie finds himself recruited to save the day.
This was a ton of fun. Action-packed with plenty of humor. 17 Stars from Mitchell, but 3.5 (rounded up) for me since I knew where it was going the whole time. I don’t post spoilers, but if you follow my reviews enough you’ll notice I seem to fixate on certain characters and pop culture icons (not Goldblum this time Jeff, so STFU). That's not to say I still didn't have a superfuntime : )
DIE DOG OR EAT THE HATCHET
Y’all ready for this?????
So much ewwwwww. Me likey.
Die Dog or Eat the Hatchet is a charming little tale of Terrence Hingle a/k/a “The Sorority Slayer.” Terrence found himself residing in the nuthouse after an . . . “encounter” with five members of Kappa Pi . . . .
(Note to all men: Yes. This is exactly what women do whenever we get together.)
After biding his time Terrence makes his grand escape. Things are going along swimmingly until he makes a stop for gas and meets brothers Dwight and Dwayne . . .
and Terrence finds that despite all his rage, he is still just a rat in a cage.
This book is seriously f’d up. It gets a billion stars from both Mitchell and me. Now, if you’ll excuse me . . .
“’It’s a delicate operation I’m running here. Any man rocks the boat, he’s going overboard.’ Or below deck, I thought.”
An . . . uhhhhhhh unfortunate incident . . .
forced our MC to hightail it out of the city with no money to his name and minus a couple of fingers to boot. Ending up in a “backwater tonk in the willywags” it’s soon discovered that he can play a right fine pianey which earns him a job and the moniker “Smitty Three Fingers.”
Home of some world famous hooch and bare-it-all coochie gals, The Grinnin’ Gator is quite the destination. Smitty discovers he’s landed himself a pretty sweet gig. He has a roof over his head, is earning pert near city dollars even though he’s back in the stix, and he’s been lucky enough to stay on the owner’s good side so he’s not too worried about a close encounter with the resident badass, Big George . . .
Everything will remain gravy as long as he remembers he has “sworn off dames for life” . . . .
When I saw the title Gator Bait my mind immediately went in one direction . . .
Which, of course, morphed into something else . . .
Which led to . . . .
Which is pretty much the same as saying . . .
or #sploosh since I don’t have a peen and all that.
Even though I bought it awhile back, I finally heard enough to get off my dumper and read the dang thing. At under 100 pages I really have zero excuse for being tardy to this party. If you’re a fan of the ewwwww as well as some seriously developed characters and story all wrapped up in a tight little bundle, this one’s for you. And the noir tone? Yummmmmmmm. Just like icing on the cake. Unfortunately Mitchell came across this quote . . .
“Big George’s diet consisted mostly of chickens and rabbits . . . and once a PRIZED BOAR HOG . . . “
So he was out. He also demanded that I give it 1 Star, but I just shoved a sock in his mouth and found a replacement buddy to finish the read with me . . .
Frank Engator says 7 Stars (he’s new at this reviewing stuff and how the Goodreads rating system works) so we have to cap it at 5. He also sympathizes with ol’ Smitty and his lack of digits since he suffers the same affliction. Should’ve kept your damn paws out of the honey pot, Frank!
This ARC was provided to me by the author after he saw my review of Gator Bait (a story which I PAID FOR, thank you very little). Adam Howe writes stuff I want to read. It doesn’t matter if we’re “friendly” on Goodreads – it’s hard to find someone who writes stories that are simultaneously twisted and yet oh-so-very-entertaining. He also delivers novellas of the perfect length with just enough mindf*ckery to keep me on the edge of my seat, but not enough to make me run away from them screaming. ...more
I actually read this several weeks go, but never got around to reviewing it because I knew I had to get prepared for the backlash first . . . .
Apparently I read it wrong. But guess what?????
The premise here was a good one – Dwight and his friends Slim and Rusty see flyers all over town advertising a “Traveling Vampire Show.” The hint of danger and an “18 and over” requirement are enough to lead the trio into temptation and the remainder of the story is what takes place during one day leading up to the big shebang and their chance to meet the mysterious Valeria . . . .
Here’s the problem. The first 50 pages or so were flying right by. Many of you know I have a kid who is required to read, but hates to read. We’ve had some luck with contemporary fiction and I thought if things didn’t get too stabby this might be okay for him (please note I had read ZERO reviews/knew nothing of this book except people liked it). The three kids wandering from one side of town to another for an adventure is pretty much my kid’s bucket list of a dream Saturday. But then I got to the part where there was a bit of danger and the MC Dwight decided to go borrow a truck and I was like . . . .
The story immediately stopped working. Even with the “gather around children and let me tell you a story from when I was a kid and why don’t you have some Werther’s Originals while you’re listening” narration style I just couldn’t wrap my brain around these being sixteen year old children. I was thinking they were 12-14 max.
And then there was the non-stop boner talk. I realize that teenage boys often pitch tents in their pants, but the story became so hypersexual with more focus on premature ejaculation than plot that there was no charm left to any of the characters. Especially Rusty . . . .
Which all led up to a pervert's wet dream of an ending I knew was coming and a reading experience I couldn’t wait to be over.
I know I've really gone against the grain here, but save your breath if you plan on telling me I’m not allowed to have a differing opinion. Also, I’m already in my bag of shame so I won’t be able to see the comments anyway . . . .