Toilet Quotes

“Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –"
"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."
"Great idea though, thanks, Mum.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

“No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it— it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said.”
― J.K. Rowling , Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

“The miracle of modern science. The LEP pours millions into your department, Foaly, and all you can do is send Mud Boys to the toilet.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl...there's a little voice that say, 'I wonder where he would go...'...if it hadn't been for his head...”
― Bill Cosby

“I was also sick of my neighbors, as most Parisians are. I now knew every second of the morning routine of the family upstairs. At 7:00 am alarm goes off, boom, Madame gets out of bed, puts on her deep-sea divers’ boots, and stomps across my ceiling to megaphone the kids awake. The kids drop bags of cannonballs onto the floor, then, apparently dragging several sledgehammers each, stampede into the kitchen. They grab their chunks of baguette and go and sit in front of the TV, which is always showing a cartoon about people who do nothing but scream at each other and explode. Every minute, one of the kids cartwheels (while bouncing cannonballs) back into the kitchen for seconds, then returns (bringing with it a family of excitable kangaroos) to the TV. Meanwhile the toilet is flushed, on average, fifty times per drop of urine expelled. Finally, there is a ten-minute period of intensive yelling, and at 8:15 on the dot they all howl and crash their way out of the apartment to school.” (p.137)”
― Stephen Clarke, A Year in the Merde

“The flush toilet, more than any single invention, has 'civilized' us in a way that religion and law could never accomplish.”
― Thomas Lynch, The Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade

“We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.'
'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use.”
― Adam Rex, The True Meaning of Smekday

“The trail of lime trees outside our building is still a public loo. …where else are they supposed to go to the toilet in a city where public toilets are about as common as UFO sightings?” (pp.281-82)”
― Sarah Turnbull, Almost French: Love and a New Life in Paris

“Toilet paper, disinfecting wipes and bottled water all became COVID-19 gold.”
― Steven Magee

“The COVID-19 pandemic has made abstaining from butt wiping fashionable.”
― Steven Magee

“I got stuck in a toilet.”
― Gary Paulsen, Gone to the Woods: Surviving a Lost Childhood

“Does Gary have to come too?"
"You know as well as I do that Gary doesn't like to be alone after dark," Duncan said. "He says the toilet whispers.”
― Katherine Heiny, Early Morning Riser

“The French solved the problem of toilet paper shortages a long time ago and called it the ‘Bidet’.”
― Steven Magee

“A toilet paper manufacturer’s worst fear is that the masses will learn how to abstain from toilet paper use during the COVID-19 pandemic.”
― Steven Magee

“The USA has cloned Russia’s toilet paper business model!”
― Steven Magee

“Abstaining from butt wiping is the solution to the COVID-19 toilet paper crisis!”
― Steven Magee

“2020 was the year America rationed toilet rolls.”
― Steven Magee

“He opened his laptop and showed me a picture of a “cozy” Greenwich Village apartment he’d found online. My dad, a born New Yorker, had told me stories of the Village, a lively network of cobblestone streets and jazz dives, coffee houses and folk clubs with no cover fee—and I felt a surge of light-headed ambition. “Though it’s kind of strange,” Justin continued, “there is no bathroom inside. Our toilet would be down a public hallway.”
― Aspen Matis, Your Blue Is Not My Blue: A Missing Person Memoir

“Toilet paper, masks and disinfectant hand wipes were the COVID-19 essentials.”
― Steven Magee

“Six thirty and I could hear the gulls coming and going over the cliff and the now familiar early-morning battle with boots and tent flaps took far too long. As soon as I stood up I was overwhelmed. Not only by the desire to sit on a white, shiny, flushing toilet, but mainly by a wave of vertigo. Somehow in the dark and fog of the night before we had pitched the tent two meters from the edge of the cliff. Tent, path, scrap of grass, hundred-meter-drop. I regained my balance and looked for somewhere slightly disguised. All I could see was an open hillside with a small clump of gorse bushes. There was no waiting; it would have to do. I frantically tried to dig a hole with the heel of my boot - we hadn't carried a trowel for this, far too much weight and anyway we'd always find a public toilet. My thumb ripped through the waist of my leggings in the rush as I squatted behind the spikey sharp gorse with as much relief as Renton in 'Trainspotting'...
'Morning. You found somewhere to camp then?”
― Raynor Winn, The Salt Path

“No matter how busy and important you think you are, you cannot reject nature’s call.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover

“Sometimes I have to ask myself why the toilet is so empty when it is so full of shit.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“One Politburo meeting had an important topic to discuss, but before the meeting began, Jiang Qing raised a fuss, saying, 'Premier, you need to solve a serious problem for me, otherwise there will be real trouble!' Zhou Enlai asked, 'Comrade Jiang Qing, what is this serious problem?' Jiang Qing said, 'The toilet im my quarters is so cold that I can't use it in chilly weather - I'll catch the flu the moment I sit on it, and once I catch the flu, I can't go to see Chairman Mao for fear he'll catch it. Isn't this a serious matter?' Zhou Enlai said, 'How shall we deal with this? Shall I send someone to have a look at it after the meeting?' Jiang Qing found this unacceptable, saying, 'Premier, you lack class sentiment toward me; the class enemies are just waiting for me to die as soon as possible!' Zhou Enlai had no choice but to cancel the meeting and take us all over to Jiang Qing's quarters. Zhou Enlai looked at Jiang Qing's toilet and rubbed his chin thoughtfully without coming up with a solution. Finally he said, 'Comrade Jiang Qing, how about this: We don't have the technology to heat this toilet, but we could wrap the seat with insulating material, and also pad it with soft cloth, and that should solve the problem temporarily.' Jiang Qing agreed to this, and Zhou Enlai immediately told the Central Committee Secretariat to send someone over to deal with it.”
― Yang Jisheng, The World Turned Upside Down: A History of the Chinese Cultural Revolution

“It’s when we start shitting out plastic bags that we will start to realize that we have got a problem with our environment.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“Don't think you're alone in the toilet because I'm with you there in spirit.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“Never keep your piranhas in the toilet because all you get are bad memories.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“Remember: Shit will always flow at its own pace.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“The toilet is full. It's time to change it.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

“Sage advice: No one should disturb a man while he's on the shitter. It's his personal time.”
― Erika M. Weinert, Cursing with Style: A Dicktionary of Expletives

“Oor my eerste boek, Confessions oor kerkwees, het ’n dominee in die Kaap gesê: “Dit lees lekker op die toilet.” My gebed is dat dit ook so sal wees met hierdie boek.”
― Jaco Strydom, Alle sondaars welkom: Gedagtes oor God en die grense van mense