Marriage Humor Quotes

Quotes tagged as "marriage-humor" (showing 1-30 of 60)
Pawan Mishra
“A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it.”
Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy

Hank Moody
“The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some.”
Hank Moody

Pawan Mishra
“Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.”
Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy

David Sedaris
“Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.”
David Sedaris

Luke Rhinehart
“We got married: society's solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.”
Luke Rhinehart, The Dice Man

Elizabeth Gaskell
“If Miss Beresford had not been in such a hurry to marry a poor country clergyman, there was no knowing what she might not have become. But Dixon was too loyal to desert her in her affliction and downfall (alias her married life).”
Elizabeth Gaskell, North and South

E.A. Bucchianeri
“While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.”
E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly,

Trisha Ashley
“Tish, help me! I’ve cut my wrist on the damned glass – it’s pouring blood – probably an artery! Let me in before I bleed to death!’
‘Go and bleed over the rose bushes, they’re supposed to thrive on it,’ I suggested heartlessly. He was by now directly underneath me and I couldn’t see any sign of draining arteries.
‘You heartless bitch!’ he raged, which was more like the James I’d come to know and didn’t love.”
Trisha Ashley, Good Husband Material

Amit Abraham
“Marriage is a necessary evil”
Amit Abraham

Oliver Markus
“Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.”
Oliver Markus, Why Men And Women Can't Be Friends

“The more she turned right the more I turned wrong.”
Mark W Boyer

William Shakespeare
“Such a mad marriage never was before.”
William Shakespeare, The Taming of the Shrew

Lindsey Rietzsch
“As a society, let's all strive to make "old fashioned" the "new fashion". Husbands make it clear to your wives that you are on a mission to become her knight in shining armor.”
Lindsey Rietzsch, Successful Failures: Recognizing the Divine Role That Opposition Plays in Life's Quest for Success

Lailah Gifty Akita
“A joyful soul, a grateful spirit full of love and light!”
Lailah Gifty Akita, Pearls of Wisdom: Great mind

Georgette Heyer
“No, but on the other hand you don't enact me Cheltenham tragedies when I've barely swallowed my breakfast.”
Georgette Heyer, A Civil Contract

Ellen Hopkins
“Tying the know means slipping a noose around love and choking it to death.”
Ellen Hopkins, Perfect

أنيس منصور
“الزواج معناه أن المرأة التى تراها ليلا : تراها كل صباح”
أنيس منصور, قالوا

Lailah Gifty Akita
“O Lord, grant my dearest husband, Jeremiah Nii Mama Akita, the spirit of prayer and the grace to read thy word.”
Lailah Gifty Akita, Pearls of Wisdom: Great mind

Lailah Gifty Akita
“Love protects and preserves in all times.”
Lailah Gifty Akita

Bill Maher
“First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :

Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feelings are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.

I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'.

Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.”
Bill Maher

Bill Maher
“First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :

Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.

I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'.

Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.”
Bill Maher

Trisha Ashley
“He let me go so suddenly I staggered. ‘So you settled for respectable dullness, Angel, while I settled for—’
‘Disreputable excitement!’ I finished for him, rather tartly. ‘And I don’t know why you think my life is dull – especially since we moved here.’ (That was true at least!) ‘Anyway, I’d rather have dullness than be a hanger-on on the fringes of the sort of life you lead.’
‘You know nothing about the sort of life I lead.”
Trisha Ashley, Good Husband Material

Pawan Mishra
“You need to be my wife to win with me.”
Pawan Mishra, Coinman: An Untold Conspiracy

Edith Wharton
“Once or twice, in the first days of his marriage, he had asked himself with a slight shiver what would happen if Susy should begin to bore him. The thing had happened to him with other women as to whom his first emotions had not differed in intensity from those she inspired.”
Edith Wharton

Seth Adam Smith
“Darling, I would follow you through the blackest midnight—just not without my trousers!”
Seth Adam Smith, Rip Van Winkle and the Pumpkin Lantern

Julieanne O'Connor
“Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.”
Julieanne O'Connor, Spelling It Out for Your Man

“So, do you not owe it to yourself to bend Andrew’s will to be your own? To make him lose himself to you, so you are one? Is that not why we marry one another? To be one mind, one flesh? -- Mistress Malena Darke”
JR Scott, Remote Control Volume I: Owned From Afar

Amit Abraham
“Marriage is like an exam - it has all types of 'Means' - fair and unfair and you pass or fail or even reappear but many a times you earn many 'degrees' of pleasure, pain or mental torture and finally you pass into the other world to be reborn and admitted back to 'PLAY SCHOOL'
Why marry at all.”
Amit Abraham

“No two dogs are alike. And yet, all dogs have something in common that makes them dogs, and makes them different from cats. The same goes for men and women. The trouble starts when cats don't realize that dogs are different. Dogs think differently, and perceive the world differently, than cats do. I'm a dog. You're a cat. And a dog knows better what it's like to be a dog than a cat does.”
Oliver Markus Malloy, Why Men And Women Can't Be Friends: Honest Relationship Advice for Women

Anthony Trollope
“He never quarreled with his wife, but he never talked to her;--he never had time to talk, he was so taken up with speaking.”
Anthony Trollope, The Warden

« previous 1