Humorous Philosophy Quotes

“Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?”
― Carroll Bryant

“Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

“And if anyone asks, you're Chinese. The boy had nodded. "Chinese," he whispered. "I'm Chinese." "And I," said the girl, "am the Queen of Spain." "In your dreams," said the boy. "In my dreams," said the girl, "I'm the King.”
― Julie Otsuka, When the Emperor Was Divine

“Smoking will probably kill me, but so will natural selection.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.”
― Jacob M. Appel, Einstein's Beach House

“Walking through life, we spend most of our energy choosing the right shoes.”
― Ljupka Cvetanova, The New Land

“Hindsight is usually more tragic than helpful.”
― Linda S. Godfrey, God Johnson The Unforgiven Diary of the Disciple of a Lesser God

“She has a particular penchant for mentally noting how much I drink, how much I eat, how much exercise I get, and the like. These specifics all fall within her purview. So in truth, I don’t remember how much I drink; it's not my job.”
― Jack Flanagan, The Third Murderer

“This was Montana, and, frankly, the man on the mountain had a point.”
― D.K. King, Living The Big Sky Life: Urban Tales Of My Tortured Tenure In "The Last Best Place"

“You have to be careful to kill a fly that is perched on your scrotum.”
― Ghana

“No matter how hot your anger may be, it cannot cook.”
― Lesotho

“you can't say "if this didn't happen then that would have happened" because you don't know everything that might have happened.You might think something'd be good, but for all you know, it could have turned out horrible. You can't say "If only I'd ..." because you could be wishing for anything. The point is, you'll never know. You've gone past. So there's no use thinking about it. So I don't”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

“A goat’s frown cannot stop it from being taken to the market.”
― Nigeria

“It is okay for a child to play with the mother’s breasts, but not the father’s testicles.”
― Guinea

“There's always room for a unicorn in my life.

(i.e. fantasy and imagination)”
― Renata Ammazzini, Nora & het bloemenelfje

“Humor is a silent and polite dynamite which enables you to blow your own way of life sky-high every time you have had enough of it, yet with the maximum discretion and without making a mess.”
― Romain Gary, The Roots of Heaven

“The only thing you owe yourself is happiness.”
― Tolu Fapohunda

“Those of us who carry notepads to the bedroom or scribble down thoughts during our morning constitutional have tools to abandon self-delusions.
Or develop them.”
― Nolan Yuma

“The pursuit of historical revelance is an under appreciated endeavor.”
― Michael Dwinnell

“One acronym to live by: PDADP, meaning Personal Displays of Affection Disturb People.”
― Michelle A. Lammers

“God of blind believers is most likely to be cock-eyed.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas

“So, am I too, like all other humans, just a rogue? Sure! Just a notch less than those rascals wearing godly robes.”
― Fakeer Ishavardas