Quotes About Humor

Quotes tagged as "humor" (showing 211-240 of 3,000)
J.K. Rowling
“Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

J.K. Rowling
“Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

J.K. Rowling
“An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can’t have.... Are you sure?"
"Yes I’m sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?"
"Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow..."
"I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

George Carlin
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
George Carlin

Mark Twain
“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
Mark Twain

J.K. Rowling
“I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Cassandra Clare
“Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?"
Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”
Pat Monahan

Cassandra Clare
“Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it."
Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?"
"I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it."
"But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin.”
Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

Oscar Wilde
“I have nothing to declare except my genius.”
Oscar Wilde

Richelle Mead
“What's up?" I asked.

You tell me," he said. "You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian."

It was an experiment," I said. "It was part of my therapy."

What the hell kind of therapy are you in?”
Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

Candace Bushnell
“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with.”
Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City

Bill Watterson
“I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
Bill Watterson

Erma Bombeck
“When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

Can it think?"

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

What's it for?"

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”
Erma Bombeck, When God Created Mothers

Sheng Wang
“Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”
Sheng Wang

Terry Pratchett
“DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”
Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

Rick Riordan
“You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.”
Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

Charlotte Brontë
“No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"

"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.

"And what is hell? Can you tell me that?"

"A pit full of fire."

"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"

"No, sir."

"What must you do to avoid it?"

I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die.”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Julie Kagawa
“Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?”
Julie Kagawa, The Iron King

Rick Riordan
“Can you surf really well, then?"
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”
Rick Riordan

Zig Ziglar
“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”
Zig Ziglar, Raising Positive Kids in a Negative World

Rick Riordan
“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”
Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

J.K. Rowling
“Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred.
"Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?"
"Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn’t you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig’s tail, and tell me I was a wizard?"
"I forge’ the details," Hagrid chortled.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Mae West
“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”
Mae West

Veronica Roth
“Moths," repeats Will. "You're afraid of moths?"

"Not just a cloud of moths," she says, "like...a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and..." She shudders and shakes her head.

"Terrifying," Will says with mock seriousness. "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls."

"Oh, Shut up.”
Veronica Roth, Divergent

Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

Suzanne Collins
“It crosses my mind that Cinna's calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.”
Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

Cassandra Clare
“We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now."
"I was going to watch Project Runway.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

Ellen DeGeneres
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.”
Ellen DeGeneres

Groucho Marx
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
Groucho Marx

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