Funny Quotes

Quotes tagged as "funny" (showing 181-210 of 3,000)
Gena Showalter
“To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.”
Gena Showalter, Heart of Darkness

Cassandra Clare
“I can't believe he didn't have the dignity and presence of mind just to get drunk and pass out in some gutter," said Jace. "I must say, I'm disappointed in the little fellow.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. ”
Wendell Johnson

Jeaniene Frost
“Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.”
Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave

Kelley Armstrong
“Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?”
“No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve been using her as a human shield against those guys with guns, and I was just about to strangle her and leave her body here to throw them off my trail. But then you showed up and foiled my evil plans. Lucky for you, though. You get to rescue poor little Chloe again and win her undying gratitude.”
“Undying gratitude?” Simon looked at me. “Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my eggs sunnyside up.”
I smiled. “I’ll remember that.”

***

“Oh, right. You must be starving.” Simon reached into his pockets. “I can offer one bruised apple and one brown banana. Convenience stores aren’t the place to buy fruit, as I keep telling someone.”
“Better than these. For you, anyway, Simon.” Derek passed a bar to Tori.
“Because you aren’t supposed to have those, are you?” I said. “Which reminds me…” I took out the insulin. “Derek said it’s your backup.”
“So my dark secret is out.”
“I didn’t know it was a secret.”
“Not really. Just not something I advertise.”
...
“Backup?” Tori said. “You mean he didn’t need that?”
“Apparently not,” I murmured.
Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. “You guys thought…”
“That if you didn’t get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you’d be dead?” I said. “Not exactly, but close. You know, the old ‘upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication’ twist. Apparently, it still works.”
“Kind of a letdown, then, huh?”
“No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping.”
“All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two.”
He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly.
“Chloe? Is that you?” He coughed. “Do you have my insulin?”
I placed it in his outstretched hand.
“You saved my life,” he said. “How can I ever repay you?”
“Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled.”
He held up a piece of fruit. “Would you settle for a bruised apple?”
I laughed.”
Kelley Armstrong, The Awakening

Cassandra Clare
“Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic?

"Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that.”
Cassandra Clare

Rick Riordan
“She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.”
Rick Riordan, The House of Hades

George Carlin
“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.”
George Carlin

Bret Easton Ellis
“I have to return some videotapes”
Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho

Charlaine Harris
“Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.”
Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World

J.K. Rowling
“Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?'
'No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

J.K. Rowling
“Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Sarah J. Maas
“Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?"

"Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?"

That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats."

Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh.

"I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre."

I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat.

"I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said.

A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed.”
Sarah J. Maas, A Court of Thorns and Roses

Franklin D. Roosevelt
“I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Tina Fey
“Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.”
Tina Fey, Bossypants

Isaac Marion
“My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.”
Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

Shannon Hale
“If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.”
Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl

Laurell K. Hamilton
“One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.”
Laurell K. Hamilton, Bloody Bones

“Of course you know, this means war.”
Joe Adamson, Bugs Bunny Fifty Years And Only One Grey Hare

John Green
“I mean, we're ninjas."

"Well maybe you're a ninja," I said

"You're just a really loud, awkward ninja," Margo said, "but we are both ninjas.”
John Green, Paper Towns

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this."
My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

Michael Thomas Ford
“I didn't realize there was a ranking." I said. "Sadie frowned. "What do you mean?" "A ranking," I said. "You know, what's crazier than what." "Oh, sure there is," Sadie said. She sat back in her chair. "First you have your generic depressives. They're a dime a dozen and usually pretty boring. Then you've got the bulimics and the anorexics. They're slightly more interesting, although usually they're just girls with nothing better to do. Then you start getting into the good stuff: the arsonists, the schizophrenics, the manic-depressives. You can never quite tell what those will do. And then you've got the junkies. They're completely tragic, because chances are they're just going to go right back on the stuff when they're out of here." "So junkies are at the top of the crazy chain," I said. Sadie shook her head. "Uh-uh," she said. "Suicides are." I looked at her. "Why?" "Anyone can be crazy," she answered. "That's usually just because there's something screwed up in your wiring, you know? But suicide is a whole different thing. I mean, how much do you have to hate yourself to want to just wipe yourself out?”
Michael Thomas Ford

Richelle Mead
“What's that?" he asked, when I stood beside him again.

"Halos," I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us."

"That might be a stretch.”
Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

Dark Jar Tin Zoo
“I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.”
Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo
“Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.
”
Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

Dora J. Arod
“I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up.”
Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo
“She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.”
Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

Dora J. Arod
“My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.”
Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo
“If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal.
”
Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.

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