Quotes About Funny And Random

Quotes tagged as "funny-and-random" (showing 31-60 of 295)
Christy Leigh Stewart
“You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists.”
Christy Leigh Stewart

Regina Griffin
“Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?”
Regina Griffin

Ilona Andrews
“[...] The alpha-wolf has hurt himself [...]."
"What happened to the alpha-wolf?"
"LEGOs."
"Legos?" It sounded Greek but I couldn't recall anything mythological with that name. Wasnt it an island?
"He was carrying a load of laundry into the basement and tripped on the old set of LEGOs his kids left on the stairs. Broke two ribs and an ankle. He'll be out of comission for two weeks." Curran shook his head.”
Ilona Andrews, Magic Bites

Rick Riordan
“Do yourself a favor,' I said. "Forget it. Forget you ever saw me."
"Forget that you tried to kill me too?"
"Yeah. That, too."
"But who are you?"
"Percy-" I started to say. Then the skeletons turned around. "Gotta go!"
"What kind of name is Percy Gotta-go?"
I bolted for the exit.”
Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse

Hilary McKay
“Is this your holiday homework?" asked Sarah. "Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous to give eight-year-olds homework. You will, won't you, Eve?"
"I could never spell 'iniquitous,' Sarah darling!"
"Hot concrete," said Rose mournfully, prodding her porridge.
"Write this," ordered Saffron. "'The ancient Egyptians are all dead. Their days are very quiet.' Porridge is meant to look like hot concrete. Eat it up.... Read the next question!"...
"What would you say if you bumped into Tutankhamen in the street?"
"'Sorry!'" said Sarah at once. "Put that."
"We have to answer in proper sentences."
"'Sorry, but it was your fault! You were walking sideways!”
Hilary McKay, Indigo's Star

Douglas Adams
“The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering.

It is built on the fragmented remains of an eventually ruined planet which is (wioll haven be) enclosed in a vast time bubble and projected forward in time to the precise moment of the End of the Universe.

This is, many would say, impossible.

In it, guests take (willan on-take) their places at table and eat (willan on eat) sumptuous meals while watching (willing watchen) the whole of creation explode around them.

This, many would say, is equally impossible.

You can arrive (mayan arrivan on-when) for any sitting you like without prior (late fore-when) reservation because you can book retrospectively, as it were, when you return to your own time (you can have on-book haventa forewhen presooning returningwenta retrohome).

This is, many would now insist, absolutely impossible.

At the Restaurant you can meet and dine with (mayan meetan con with dinan on when) a fascinating cross-section of the entire population of space and time.

This, it can be explained patiently, is also impossible.

You can visit it as many times as you like (mayan on-visit re onvisiting ... and so on – for further tense correction consult Dr. Streetmentioner's book) and be sure of never meeting yourself, because of the embarrassment this usually causes.”
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Sarah Rees Brennan
“And they all lived happily ever after (barring death, divorce, arrest for tax fraud, that incident with the pool boy...)”
Sarah Rees Brennan, The Demon's Surrender

Hilary McKay
“The house had a name. The Banana House. It was carved onto a piece of sandstone above the front door. It made no sense to anyone.”
Hilary McKay, Saffy's Angel

Nenia Campbell
“When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.”
Nenia Campbell, Bound to Accept

L.A. Witt
“I rolled my eyes. “Do all narcotics officers lack basic human
compassion, or were you just not hugged enough as a child?”
Trust Me”
L.A. Witt

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi
“so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.”
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Rachel Vincent
“Not that I don't appreciate the rescue," Holt said. "But I'm forced to ask, in the interest of self-preservation ... exactly how well armed are you right now?”
Rachel Vincent, Shadow Bound

Santosh Kalwar
“There is no logic in logics except an illogical logic.”
Santosh Kalwar

Elizabeth Gaskell
“She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny.”
Elizabeth Gaskell, North and South

Hilary McKay
“Darling Daddy,
This is Rose.
So flames went all up the kitchen wall. Saffron called the fire brigade and the police came too to see if it was a trick and the police woman said to Saffron Here You Are Again because of when I got lost having my glasses checked. But I was with Tom whose grandmother is a witch on top of the highest place in town.
Love, Rose.”
Hilary McKay, Indigo's Star

Christy Leigh Stewart
“Do animals understand the concept of dreams or do they think they enter another dimension when they get tired?”
Christy Leigh Stewart

Nicole Peeler
“I do know you're nothing like him. But you're still....still a lot. A lot to handle. I don't mean your junk, obviously, as we've not gotten to the fondling-bits stage yet. And I can't believe I just talked about your junk.”
Nicole Peeler, Eye of the Tempest

Holly Hood
“Is that a rule? Do you have a rule that you can’t kiss people in the morning?”
Holly Hood

Stieg Larsson
“Martin was dafter than a syphilitic polecat - where do I get these metaphors from?”
Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Hilary McKay
“Darling Daddy,
This is Rose.
Very good news. Caddy is going to marry Micheal. In case you have forgotten because you have not been home for so long he is the one with the ponytail and the earring that you do not like. And Caddy says she will have a white lace dress and three bridesmaids, Saffron and Sarah and me, and a big party for everyone, all her old boyfriends too. Fireworks. A band. A big tent called a marquee. But where will we put it? Carriages with white horses for us all to go to the church. Afterward Caddy and Micheal will go for a holiday to Australia to visit the Great Barrier Reef. Caddy has it all worked out and Mummy says Yes She Can Of Course You Can Darling Of Course You Must Do That. Saffron said That Will Cost a Few Weeks Housekeeping and Mummy said Yes But We Do Not Need to Worry About That. DADDY WILL PAY.
Love, Rose.”
Hilary McKay, Indigo's Star

Carrie Vaughn
“You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch”
Carrie Vaughn, Kitty and the Silver Bullet

Sherrilyn Kenyon
“I’ve got to get my body back. While I like wearing you, I’d rather wear you as a blanket on top of me and not the skin I’m walking around in. It has this whole Hannibal Lecter aspect that’s really creeping me out.”Jo
“Hannibal Lecter?” Cadegan
“It’s a TV show and book character. Not really important. Like a wombat in a blender.” Jo
“I’m not sure what this blender is, but I think I should be feeling bad for that poor wombat.” Cadegan”
Sherrilyn Kenyon, Son of No One

Hannah Moskowitz
“I'm happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here.
'I told you I could do it :)' Lio IMs me. I want to rip out that smiley's eyes.”
Hannah Moskowitz, Gone, Gone, Gone

Hilary McKay
“Darling Daddy,
This is Rose.
Saffy says everyone says it is Indigo's fault that their Head has two black eyes and a swelled-up nose.
Love from Rose.
P.S. Sarah who is here says to tell you love from wheelchair woman too.

Rose's father telephoned especially to tell Rose not to call Sarah Wheelchair Woman.

"That's what she called herself," protested Rose. "She thought of it! Aren't you worried about what I told you about Indigo and the Head?"

"What?" asked Bill. "Oh that! Two black eyes and a swollen nose! I don't think I can believe that one, Rose darling!”
Hilary McKay, Indigo's Star

Molly Harper
“I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks.”
Molly Harper, The Art of Seducing a Naked Werewolf

Christy Leigh Stewart
“Does anyone else day dream about what it would be like if specific age groups just dropped dead all across the world?”
Christy Leigh Stewart

Hilary McKay
“Darling Daddy,
Poor Saffy. She had a big fight in the boys toilets on Monday, did you know? A very big fight and Sarah helped and it was terrifying. Said a boy in my class who has a brother who was there.
Saffy washed her hands and said Never Ever Never Dare You Touch My Brother. (Indigo). And the plug holes were blocked with hair.
Love from Rose.
-Sarah's mother has given us soup. Soup soup soup and then it was all gone.
L.F.R.”
Hilary McKay, Indigo's Star

Casey Scieszka
“Dear Fly,

I love you. If you are a mouse I am cheese. If you are a cat I am a mouse. You are a fly, so I want to be shit.”
Casey Scieszka, To Timbuktu: Nine Countries, Two People, One True Story

Molly Wizenberg
“Even the Thanksgiving when her parents had just divorced, Hoosier Pie made the cut. ...They also, incidentally, made a pumpkin pie, but it fell on the floor, a classic example of survival of the fittest”
Molly Wizenberg, A Homemade Life: Stories and Recipes from My Kitchen Table

Mark Twain
“He done his level best.

Was he a mining on the flat..
He done it with a zest..
Was he a leading of the choir..
He done his level best.

If he'd a reg'lar task to do,
He never took no rest..
Or if 'twas off and on the same..
He done his level best.

If he was preachin' on his beat,
He'd tramp from east to west,
And north to south ..in cold and heat..
He done his level best.

He'd Yank a sinner outen (Hades),
And land him with the blest;
Then snatch a prayer'n waltz in again,
And do his level best.

He'd cuss and sing and howl and pray,
And dance and drink and jest,
He done his level best.

Whate'er this man was sot to do
He done it with a zest;
No matter what his contract was,
He'd do his level best...”
Mark Twain, The Complete Humorous Sketches and Tales of Mark Twain

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