Comedy Humor Quotes

Quotes tagged as "comedy-humor" Showing 1-30 of 97
Ellen DeGeneres
“Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others. ”
Ellen DeGeneres

Bill Cosby
“Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.”
Bill Cosby

Julie Kagawa
“The Wolf snarled, tensing his muscles, as if he wished he could climb the tree after the feline. "One day I will catch you on the ground, cat," he said through bared teeth. "And you won't even know I'm there until I tear your head off." "You have been saying that since before humans had fire, dog," Grimalkin replied, completely undisturbed. "You'll have to forgive me if I don't hold my breath."
- The Big Bad Wolf and Grimalkin”
Julie Kagawa, The Iron Knight

Jim C. Hines
“I like big books and I cannot lie.
You other readers can’t deny
That when a kid walks in with The Name of the Wind
Like a hardbound brick of win.
Story bling.
Wanna swipe that thing
Cause you see that boy is speeding
Right through the book he’s reading.
I’m hooked and I can’t stop pleading.
Wanna curl up with that for ages,
All thousand pages.
Reviewers tried to warn me.
But with that plot you hooked
Me like Bradley.
Ooh, crack that fat spine.
You know I wanna make you mine.
This book is stella ’cause it ain’t some quick novella.”
Jim C. Hines

“One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.”
Carroll Bryant

Lucille Ball
“I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways.”
Lucille Ball

“Today I feel like I did tomorrow.”
Carroll Bryant

Benjamin R.  Smith
“WARD: I’ll be home in time for dinner, honey.
JUNE: Alright—I’m pregnant—Have a fine day at work, dear.

WARD exits… WARD reenters.

JUNE: Did you forget something, dear?

WARD: What did you say?
JUNE: I asked if you’d forgotten anything—”
Benjamin R. Smith, June Cleaver Sexual Deviant

“Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.”
Carroll Bryant

Rachel Caine
“You're sure he's not a vampire?' Claire said.'I've seen movies. They're sneaky.' She was kidding. Eve didn't smile.”
Rachel Caine

Julia Quinn
“Blake looked around and gulped. He'd forgotten about the mess on the floor. Chamber pot shards, his
shaving kit, a towel or two...
"I... ah..." It seemed to him that it was far easier
to lie for the sake of national security than it was to his
older sister.
"Is that a bar of soap stuck to the wall?" Penelope asked.
"Um... yes, it appears to be.”
Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

Alyssa Ahle
“DESIRE: Trust me, if you reject love long enough you’ll forget how to accept it.”
Alyssa Ahle, Lost and Found: a stage play

Kage Baker
“If you ordered up a whore here, you'd probably get a theater major doing Joan Crawford as Sadie Thompson. I wonder what would happen if I ordered up a Hershey bar?" His eyes lit up for a moment. "I wonder what would happen if I ordered up a whore and a Hershey bar?”
Kage Baker, The Graveyard Game

Pete Sortwell
“A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.”
Pete Sortwell, The Village Idiot Reviews

Nicole Schubert
“My excitement about Sunday is unbridled. My heart constantly pounding. I dyed my hair pink. Then saw Leo’s face. Dyed it back. Borrowed Sadie’s lime-green-and-pink dress with orange trim. I feel a need to be bright and colorful and noticeable. Yet classy.”
Nicole Schubert, Saoirse Berger's Bookish Lens In La La Land

“One day, scientists will overtake LIGHT and crash into the DARKNESS.”
Paul McDermott

Alyssa Ahle
“UNREQUITED LOVE: Look, you see me, a lonely girl having a drink. What do you do?
LOST: Avoid eye contact at all costs?
UNREQUITED LOVE: Oh come on, don’t you ever randomly flirt and find yourself falling in love with attractive young women?
LOST: I’ve forgotten how.
UNREQUITED LOVE: How peculiar.
LOST: (Struggles, trying to find the right words.) No…I mean I did once, but I’ve forgotten most things about love I guess. It just comes with the territory of losing your heart.
UNREQUITED LOVE: Wait. (Beat.) You lost your heart?
LOST: Yeah um...I lost my heart about a year ago. Filed a police report and everything, but they haven’t had any luck finding it.
UNREQUITED LOVE: But without a heart, how can you-
LOST: Love? I can’t.
UNREQUITED LOVE: Can you remember what love feels like?
LOST: (Shrugs.) Vaguely, but for the most part I don’t remember much about it. Like when couples hold hands, I don’t understand why they do that.
UNREQUITED LOVE: Must make for some lonely nights.”
Alyssa Ahle, Lost and Found: a stage play

Alyssa Ahle
“UNREQUITED LOVE: Some days my body feels empty and I feel like an idiot. To care for someone with every inch of your soul, and then find out they couldn’t care less about you... It’s like being slowly stabbed in the chest by someone who enjoys murdering the innocent.
LOST: But you always seem so happy.
UNREQUITED LOVE: There’s only so much you can’t feel.”
Alyssa Ahle, Lost and Found: a stage play

Justin Alcala
“A Dead End Job is what happens when the tentacle-arm monkeys living in my brain get filtered into an urban fantasy novel.”
Justin Alcala, A Dead End Job

Dan Simmons
“And then Robinson Crusoe stripped naked, swam out to his ship, filled his pockets with biscuits, and swam back to shore...."

"What?" I said, hefting my pack and frowning at the child.

"Nothing," she said, getting to her feet. "Just an old preHegira book that Uncle Martin used to read to me. He used to say that proofreaders have always been incompetent assholes-even 1400 years ago.”
Dan Simmons, Endymion

Michael Bassey Johnson
“There is no reason to hate anybody, because we came into existence, not by hate-making, but through love-making.”
Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover

“I imagine bugs and girls have adim perception of the cruel trick nature played on them, but lack the intelligence to comprehend the magnitude of it.”
Calvin & Hobbes

Bing Fraser
“Everything I touched seemed to be cursed—the next person who came in contact with that sunbed probably contracted HIV and died of a stubbed toe.”
Bing Fraser, Unprotected Treks: The Politically Incorrect Blueprint for World Travel

Lauren Landish
“I’m a bit of a pessimist, someone who doesn’t expect the zombie apocalypse, but at the same time, I’ve got a bugout bag ready in my SUV . . . just in case.”
Lauren Landish, The Blind Date

Leonid Andreyev
“Either you are all asses, or I am an ass,” he would declare seriously and even angrily. And all his friends as seriously declared: “You are an ass. We can tell by your voice.”
Leonid Andreyev, Seven Who Were Hanged

Lucian Vicovan
“God’s grace is infinite, my son.”
“Thank you! What a positive way to start the day,” I said as I clapped my hands together and stood up.”
Lucian Vicovan, Another fall from grace

Lucian Vicovan
“The tram almost ran me over when I tried to cross the street. The exhilaration made me remember the vials of Jägermesiter I had bought exactly for a moment like this.”
Lucian Vicovan, Another fall from grace

Lucian Vicovan
“But as I said, one day only has so many hours and I cannot do it all at once. Besides, the alcohol was already bought and paid for. It would be a sin to let it go to waste.”
Lucian Vicovan, Another fall from grace

Lucian Vicovan
“I thought I was on the track for something good. And you know, the day has only so many hours. One can’t fit everything they want to do in one day.”
Lucian Vicovan, Another dance in the flames

Dina Husseini
“Up the nazle, down the tal3a, you know the tabbe, Laura Bejjani?”
Dina Husseini

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