Comedian Quotes

Quotes tagged as "comedian" (showing 1-30 of 53)
Louis C.K.
“Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you.”
Louis C.K.

Criss Jami
“Every job from the heart is, ultimately, of equal value. The nurse injects the syringe; the writer slides the pen; the farmer plows the dirt; the comedian draws the laughter. Monetary income is the perfect deceiver of a man's true worth.”
Criss Jami, Killosophy

Louis C.K.
“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”
Louis C.K.

Demetri Martin
“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!”
Demetri Martin

“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?
Peanut: Yes we had a great day!
Jose: No we did not.
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No we did not have a good day.
Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!
What?
Jeff: Did you have a good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: A good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.
Peanut: I took him to the spa!
Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”
Jeff Dunham

Demetri Martin
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
Demetri Martin

Criss Jami
“To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.”
Criss Jami, Killosophy

“A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?”
Bill Bailey

Steven Wright
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
Steven Wright

John Oliver
“Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.”
John Oliver

Chelsea Handler
“I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Criss Jami
“The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.”
Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Am I bothered? Am I bothered though. I ain't doing nothing cause I ain't bothered.”
Catherine Tate

John Updike
“The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.”
John Updike, Rabbit, Run

Chelsea Handler
“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”
Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
Doug Stanhope

Brian T. Shirley
“My ship came in,then it sank!”
Brian T. Shirley

“European fascism changed comedy in America. Jack Benny explained, 'During World War II, attitudes changed. Hitler’s ideology of Aryan supremacy put all ethnic humor in a bad light. When the black man’s fight for equal rights and fair play became an issue after the War, I would no longer allow Rochester to say or do anything that an audience would consider degrading.' Benny’s attitude toward race relations was enlightened. Starting in 1940 he refused to play any segregated venue. In the 1960s when his agent scheduled a world tour, Benny chastised him for booking a gig in apartheid South Africa and refused to appear.”
Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy

“The mark of a poor comedian is not making the other person laugh. The mark of a worse comedian is asking if the person got it.”
Weike Wang, Chemistry

Sidney Sheldon
“But a comedian is naked. His only weapon was his wit.”
Sidney Sheldon, A Stranger in the Mirror

“Burlesque had stock routines and it was no big deal if one comic had the same act as another. But no one expected interchangeable burlesque routines to find a home on a national broadcast. Other comedy teams like Wheeler & Woolsey and Howard & George had done versions of “Who’s on First?” prior to Bud and Lou, but Abbott & Costello now got all the credit.”
Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy

Jack Paar took a vacation at the end of May 1958 and Johnny Carson filled in, hosting The Tonight Show for the very first time. It was a historical moment that at the time was dismissed. 'With Carson navigating, it was wholesome, intelligent and mostly dull,' wrote Variety. 'The experience of his helmship will never go down as memorable either for a Carson appearance or for an edition of the show.”
Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy

Frank Fay [...] became renowned as the first of the great comic emcees—and in many minds the first stand-up comedian.”
Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Criss Jami
“Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.”
Criss Jami, Healology

Deyth Banger
“...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... . he isn't like this writer or actor or comedian... - YOU FUCKING LIAR.”
Deyth Banger, Notes Of A Dead Man Sequel

“People always ask me how I got funny. The short answer is: I had to figure out a way to be liked. The long answer is more complicated because humor also developed as a survival mechanism to protect myself and disarm or intimidate people when I didn’t feel safe, to make fun of myself before other people could, to avoid having to feel sadness, or to mitigate the gravity of a situation because laughter was my anesthetic for pain. Also, my last name is Cummings, so as you can probably imagine, I had to learn to defend myself from insults pretty early on in life.”
Whitney Cummings, I'm Fine...and Other Lies

“He hit the circuit in 1917 as 'Frank Fay, Nut Monologist,' and resistance was immediate. Variety critically stated, 'Fay needs a good straight man, as before, to feed his eccentric comedy.' A comedian standing alone onstage? Unheard of. Doesn’t this guy know anything about showbiz? To stand still and tell jokes was a foreign move. To perform without some kind of gimmick was considered amateurish.”
Kliph Nesteroff, The Comedians: Drunks, Thieves, Scoundrels, and the History of American Comedy

Wallace Stevens
“Was he to bray this in profoundest brass
Arointing his dreams with fugal requiems?
Was he to company vastest things defunct
With a blubber of tom-toms harrowing the sky?
Scrawl a tragedian's testament? Prolong
His active force in an inactive dirge,
Which, let the tall musicians call and call,
Should merely call him dead? Pronounce amen
Through choirs infolded to the outmost clouds?
Because he built a cabin who once planned
Loquacious columns by the ructive sea?
Because he turned to salad-beds again?”
Wallace Stevens, Harmonium

“Can you fail and still be strong, Can you not fit in and accept yourself, Can you lose everything and still keep searching, Can you be in the dark and still believe in the light.”
Kevin Hart - I Can't Make This Up

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