Bridget Jones Quotes

“When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary

“One minute you're closer to someone than anyone in the whole world, next minute they need only to say the words 'time apart', 'serious talk' or 'maybe you...' and you're never going to see them again and will have to spend the next six months having imaginary conversations in which they beg to come back, and bursting into tears at the sight of their toothbrush.”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

“You see, things being good has nothing to do with how you feel outside, it is all to do with how you are inside.”
― Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy

“When he's hot, he's hot; when he's not, he's not. But at least there is always food”
― Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy

“The basis of my own addiction, I know, is my simple human need for Darcy to get off with Elizabeth. Tom says football guru Nick Hornby says in his book that men's obsession with football is not vicarious. The testosterone-crazed fans do not wish themselves on the pitch, claims Hornby, instead seeing their team as their chosen representatives, rather like parliament. That is precisely my feeling about Darcy and Elizabeth. They are my chosen representatives in the field of shagging, or, rather, courtship. I do not, however, wish to see any actual goals. I would hate to see Darcy and Elizabeth in bed, smoking a cigarette afterwards. That would be unnatural and wrong and I would quickly lose interest.”
― Helen Fielding

“I mean, I haven't rushed to the answerphone once to see if anyone's aware of my existence in the world!”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

“HARHARBLOODY HAR. Put that in your pipe hole and smoke it, society!”
― Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy

“It's all chop-change chop-change with you. Either go out with me and treat me nicely, or leave me alone. As I say, I am not interested in fuckwittage.”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones's Diary

“Bridget. Sleeping with a twenty-nine year old off Twitter on the second date is not 'rather like in Jane Austen's day'." (Talitha)”
― Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy

“Clearly in textbook terms, the gentleman should text the lady first after intercourse, but perhaps the whole socio-etiquettical system breaks down when an insect plague is involved.”
― Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy

“However, on glimpsing in shop window realized outfit insane. Now am on bus, remember also that corset-ike nature of dress is torture when sitting down. One's rolls of fat are squezzed together like dough being kneaded in a food processor.”
― Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy

“Age of rationing ended some time ago and is now space rather than possessions which is in short supply.”
― Helen Fielding, Mad About the Boy

“I always enjoy the day after a hangover. Each time it happens, it’s my own little victory over the demon drink.”
― Dougie Brimson, Billy's Log. The Hilarious Diary of One Man's Struggle With Life, Lager and the Female Race

“To be fair, her expected hatred of all things male has not materialised because it is clear that she simply dislikes everyone. I suspect that this is an attempt to remain aloof from the minions but it has backfired badly. The women, who were looking upon her as a potential saviour, now regard her as a traitor to her sex.

The blokes are just relieved.”
― Dougie Brimson, Billy's Log. The Hilarious Diary of One Man's Struggle With Life, Lager and the Female Race

“A very worrying development at lunchtime. As we were walking down the Charing Cross Road, Emma put her arm through mine. Not even Liz has ever done that and it’s fair to say that it was a bit of a shock. Because as far as I’m concerned, walking along arm in arm with a bird means that you’re a couple. And although she’s nice and all that, I don’t think of us in those terms at all.”
― Dougie Brimson, Billy's Log. The Hilarious Diary of One Man's Struggle With Life, Lager and the Female Race

“I take great comfort in the fact that they might kill me before things actually get worse.”
― Bridget Jones

“Bridget Jones can kiss my spotty arse.”
― Jolie Booth, The Girl Who'll Rule the World

“And that was it. Right there. Right there, that was the moment . . . I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine and I'd finally die, fat and alone, and be found three weeks later half-eaten by Alsatians, or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.”
― Helen Fielding (author)