Bill > Bill's Quotes

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  • #1
    Terry Pratchett
    “No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
    "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
    "What?"
    "Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
    Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

  • #2
    Terry Pratchett
    “I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?"
    Death thought about it.
    CATS, he said eventually. CATS ARE NICE.”
    Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

  • #3
    Terry Pratchett
    “It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?”
    Terry Pratchett, Mort

  • #4
    Terry Pratchett
    “And what would humans be without love?"
    RARE, said Death.”
    Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

  • #5
    Terry Pratchett
    “Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”
    Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

  • #6
    Terry Pratchett
    “Albert grunted. "Do you know what happens to lads who ask too many questions?"
    Mort thought for a moment.
    "No," he said eventually, "what?"
    There was silence.
    Then Albert straightened up and said, "Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve 'em right.”
    Terry Pratchett, Mort

  • #7
    Terry Pratchett
    “All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."

    REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

    "Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—"

    YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

    "So we can believe the big ones?"

    YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.

    "They're not the same at all!"

    YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

    "Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"

    MY POINT EXACTLY.”
    Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

  • #8
    Terry Pratchett
    “Blessings be on this house," Granny said, perfunctorily. It was always a good opening remark for a witch. It concentrated people's minds on what other things might be on this house.”
    Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad

  • #9
    Terry Pratchett
    “You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons.”
    Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Bomb

  • #10
    Terry Pratchett
    “There's a door."
    "Where does it go?"
    "It stays where it is, I think.”
    Terry Pratchett, Eric

  • #11
    Terry Pratchett
    “Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."
    Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.”
    Terry Pratchett

  • #12
    Terry Pratchett
    “Whut's the plan, Rob?" said one of them.
    "Okay, lads, this is what we'll do. As soon as we see somethin', we'll attack it. Right?"
    This caused a cheer.
    "Ach, 'tis a good plan," said Daft Wullie.”
    Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men
    tags: plan

  • #13
    Terry Pratchett
    “YOU FEAR TO DIE?
    "It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break...”
    Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

  • #14
    Terry Pratchett
    “I don't want unnecessary violence, sergeant," said Blouse.
    "Right you are, sir!" said the sergeant. "Carborundum! First man comes through that door runnin', I want him nailed to the wall!" He caught the lieutenant's eye, and added: "But not too hard!”
    Terry Pratchett, Monstrous Regiment

  • #15
    Terry Pratchett
    “You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes.
    "You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly.
    "Not where I'm aiming, sir.”
    Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

  • #16
    Terry Pratchett
    “It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed', although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.”
    Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

  • #17
    Terry Pratchett
    “Heaven has no taste."
    "Now-"
    "And not one single sushi restaurant."
    A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face.”
    Terry Pratchett, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

  • #18
    Terry Pratchett
    “Lessee...he'd gone off after the funeral and gotten drunk. No, not drunk, another word, ended with "er." Drunker. that was it.”
    Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

  • #19
    Terry Pratchett
    “This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts...”
    Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

  • #20
    Terry Pratchett
    “Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos were lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armor and shouting 'All Gods are bastards.”
    Terry Pratchett
    tags: chaos

  • #21
    Terry Pratchett
    “We're dealing here," said Vimes, "With a twisted mind."
    "Oh, no! You think so?"
    "Yes."
    "But... no... you can't be right. Because Nobby was with us all the time."
    "Not Nobby," said Vimes testily. "Whatever he might do to a dragon, I doubt if he'd make it explode. There's stranger people in this world than Corporal Nobbs, my lad."
    Carrot's expression slid into a rictus of intrigued horror.
    "Gosh," he said.”
    Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms: The Play

  • #22
    Terry Pratchett
    “Money doesn't buy happiness, Gytha."
    "I only wanted to rent it for a few weeks!”
    Terry Pratchett

  • #23
    Terry Pratchett
    “You'll see! We're going to the palace. Fetch Angua. We might need her. And bring the search warrant.
    You mean the sledgehammer, sir?
    Yes.”
    Terry Pratchett
    tags: humor

  • #24
    Terry Pratchett
    “Zoology, eh? That's a big word, isn't it."

    "No, actually it isn't," said Tiffany. "Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite short.”
    Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men

  • #25
    Terry Pratchett
    “The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord."
    Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.”
    Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

  • #26
    Terry Pratchett
    “Silverfish looked down.
    "Oh. Are you a dwarf?"
    Cuddy gave him a blank stare.
    "Are you a giant?" He said.
    "Me? Of course not!"
    "Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes.”
    Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms: The Play

  • #27
    Terry Pratchett
    “It was the way he wore the place. You expected him any moment to break into the kind of song that has suspicious rhymes and phrases like "my kind of town" and "I wanna be a part of it" in it; the kind of song where people dance in the street and give the singer apples and join in and a dozen lowly matchgirls suddenly show amazing choreographical ability and everyone acts like cheery lovable citizens instead of the murderous, evil-minded, self-centered people they suspect themselves to be. But the point was that if Carrot had erupted into a song, people WOULD have joined in. Carrot could have jollied up a circle of standing stones to form up behind him and do a rumba.”
    Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms: The Play

  • #28
    Terry Pratchett
    “William: "I'm sure we can all pull together, sir."
    Vetinari: "Oh, I do hope not. Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions.”
    Terry Pratchett, The Truth

  • #29
    Terry Pratchett
    “I know about people who talk about suffering for the common good. It's never bloody them! When you hear a man shouting "Forward, brave comrades!" you'll see he's the one behind the bloody big rock and the wearing the only really arrow-proof helmet!”
    Terry Pratchett

  • #30
    Terry Pratchett
    “Listen, Peaches, trickery is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them.”
    Terry Pratchett, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents



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