Shonlaws > Shonlaws's Quotes

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  • #1
    Steven Wright
    “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
    Steven Wright

  • #2
    Steven Wright
    “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
    Steven Wright

  • #3
    Steven Wright
    “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
    Steven Wright

  • #4
    Steven Wright
    “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
    Steven Wright

  • #5
    Steven Wright
    “If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
    Steven Wright

  • #6
    Steven Wright
    “If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
    steven wright

  • #7
    Steven Wright
    “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
    Steven Wright

  • #8
    Steven Wright
    “What's another word for thesaurus?”
    Steven Wright

  • #9
    Steven Wright
    “The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
    Steven Wright

  • #10
    Steven Wright
    “If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”
    Steven Wright

  • #11
    Steven Wright
    “There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
    Steven Wright

  • #12
    Steven Wright
    “When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”
    Steven Wright

  • #13
    Steven Wright
    “Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
    Steven Wright

  • #14
    Steven Wright
    “When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”
    Steven Wright

  • #15
    Steven Wright
    “I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
    Steven Wright

  • #16
    Steven Wright
    “I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
    Steven Wright

  • #17
    Steven Wright
    “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
    Steven Wright

  • #18
    Steven Wright
    “If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
    Steven Wright

  • #19
    Steven Wright
    “I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”
    Steven Wright

  • #20
    Steven Wright
    “Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”
    Steven Wright

  • #21
    Steven Wright
    “I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
    Steven Wright

  • #22
    Steven Wright
    “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”
    Steven Wright

  • #23
    Steven Wright
    “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
    Steven Wright

  • #24
    Steven Wright
    “I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”
    Steven Wright

  • #25
    Steven Wright
    “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”
    Steven Wright

  • #26
    Steven Wright
    “The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”
    Steven Wright

  • #27
    Steven Wright
    “You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”
    Steven Wright

  • #28
    Steven Wright
    “Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”
    Steven Wright

  • #29
    Steven Wright
    “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
    Steven Wright

  • #30
    Steven Wright
    “I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
    Steven Wright



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