“Grieving was like trying to hug a vapor, a ghost. In loneliness I realized I grieved the idealized dream. The dream of all I’d been promised so many years before. Stay pure and wait for God’s best to find you, they’d said. These rules lead to happiness and heaven. I’d never been enough. Never submissive enough, never sweet enough, never serving enough. I grieved failure and the years I’d lost. I grieved the magic God who blessed rule keepers. I grieved who I might have been.”