Alan Lindsay
Alan Lindsay asked:

This looks intriguing. Where does it go awry?

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Barbara IMO the only problem is the extra length - there is so much repetition it's ridiculous. You have 2 or 3 points of view of an event and he will write a whole chapter of the same event from each perspective. But they are pretty much the same so there's no need to do that. And how many times does one character repeat a line another character just said?
'Bob says to John "You must close the door".
"I must close the door" replies John.'
If it were about 1/3 as long as it is it would have been an excellent book.
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